The End is Near???

According to the Mayan calendar, we are just a little less than two months away from the end of time. December 21, 2012. 
For some, this is nothing but hogwash, but for others, they have been preparing and planning for this for years. Shelters, food stashes, weapons, etc. 
Me, I'm not sure what I believe...
I've done a bit of research into it and found some interesting information. According to some believers, the end will be brought on by an onslaught from Mother Nature. Earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, fires and more will wreak havoc on the land until there is nothing left. This makes me a tad nervous...
Natural disasters are at a record high. Even as I type this, a hurricane of unknown proportions is headed toward the east coast. California is on alert for wildfires and there are earthquakes in Canada, just to name a few. I'd love to just shake my head and say "Bah! Those crazies are always yelling apocalypse!" But the last thing I want to hear whilst being attacked by zombies is "I told ya so." So maybe, just maybe, we should consider the possibility. I mean, is it so insane to have a well stocked first aid kit and a full tank of gas?? And maybe some granola bars and bottled water, too? Don't be silly, that's just common sense. But let's say I wanted to be even more prepared... you know, hypothetically speaking, of course. What would a gal do? I'm not even sure of the best things to have in an apocalyptic situation. Lots of toilet paper would be a good thing, I imagine. Just for kicks, I Googled 'emergency preparedness'. I found kits for hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, wilderness and on the go. But nothing for zombie attacks or end of times. You would think this would give me some comfort. If there are no kits, then no one must really be taking this seriously, right? Or maybe I'm not the only one who doesn't know what to pack. I find this upsetting. Normally, I am a great packer. Prepared for anything. But this is different. Will the end be cold or hot? I certainly won't need formal wear, but what shoes do I bring? Lipgloss is a must, but I suppose the hair dryer is overkill. Extra socks and undies of course, boy shorts, not thongs. And what about food? Canned goods and peanut butter of course, but how do I choose what snacks I want? I mean, zombie killing is quite the workout, so high energy foods are important. But after a long day of building shelters and hunting dinner, don't I deserve a nice treat? Skittles don't take up that much space. And what about creature comforts? Is there room for my iPod? A few books? How will I sleep with only one pillow?? 
Toothbrush, feminine hygiene and a razor are musts. And let's not forget tools. Tools for cooking, building, repairs and more. 
This is too stressful. I suppose if you forget something, you can always raid abandoned homes or stores, right? It's not stealing, it's survival, don't judge. And is it better to work in groups, or go solo? More people means more brain power and problem solving, but it also means more supplies used, and I am NOT sharing my Skittles. Probably selective teams is best. At least until things get more stabilized. Maybe I am over thinking this. But better safe than sorry. At least if it happens, we won't have to celebrate Christmas...

Time

I've always thought about time as a measurement of where we are in a given space. Are we 3 hours into a day? Or maybe 3 days into a month? Three months into a year? And so on... But since August 3rd, time has taken on new meaning to me. 
I now look at time as a distance. Am I closer to the end or the beginning? Now sometimes, this is a general thing, like am I closer to the end of the day or week, but more often than not, it is a reflection on life itself. My son was so close to the beginning of his life when it was ripped from him. 18 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Which begs the question, where am I in the grand scheme? Is 33 closer to the beginning or the end of my time? A few months ago, I would've instantly said the beginning. Now, I am just not so sure. Some days it feels closer to the end. Or maybe it's really that some days I just WANT it to be. Once my son became a part of my life, I never even thought of the possibility that he wouldn't be in it. Now, I have this unknown and possibly long future ahead of me, and it feels wrong. Why am I allowed 33+ years, and he wasn't? Why did I get to fall in love and share my life with someone and he didn't? Each thing I do now is overshadowed by the thought that my son will never get to do it. How does one get past that? DOES one get past that? 
Time is a funny thing. I look outside and see the seasons changing. I see kids growing up and adults growing old. I know time is passing. But in a lot of ways for me, time stopped on August 3rd. When I walked in that hospital room and saw my son, I knew life was forever changed. Logically, I know that time has passed. But emotionally, I feel trapped in a time warp. Every time I close my eyes at night, I see his face. I relive that night. Each morning when I wake up, I remember he is gone. It's like an endless loop. The days pass, but I'm just not sure I really notice. They all seem the same to me now. Yes, some are better or worse than others, but that's about it. I find myself saying "What day was that?" a lot now. I've missed loved ones birthdays and anniversaries. Holidays mean nothing anymore. Time is passing all around me, but I feel left behind. My friends and family are great, and they have been endlessly supportive, but at some point, they too will move on. They will go back to their normal routines and their lives. I no longer have a normal routine or life. Now I am the crazy woman crying in her car at a stoplight. Or the weirdo getting emotional at the grocery store over a bag of cheese balls. This is my new routine. I go through life one minute at a time now. Each day is a test of my will. Can I make it through this without breaking down? What will trigger me today? What will I say if someone asks me if I have kids? This is my new life. There is the me that everyone sees. She laughs, she jokes, she goes about her business. She seems fine. Then there is the real me. The one who is fighting just to get out of bed each day. The one who struggles with things like making pancakes because it reminds her too much of him. The one who talks aloud to her dead son and begs him to come to her in her dreams. 

Time is a funny thing, because no matter what each of us is going through, time doesn't care. It still keeps moving on. The clock keeps spinning, the days and years will pass whether we want them to or not. And maybe, in time, I will find some kind of peace. I guess only time will tell...

                                                                 (My son, Zachary.)

Ahhh....Fall.

Fall. My favorite time of the year. There is just something magical about it. From the ever changing colors, to the scent in the air, it is filled with beauty.
I have always preferred fall to other seasons. Spring is great. It offers a welcome reprieve from the bleakness of winter, and the rebirth of plants is always nice. Summer is awesome. I love the heat and the fun of summer. Long days and warm nights make for so much fun. Winter sucks. Sorry, but you can preach about the frozen beauty and holidays all you want, they do nothing for me. I loathe being cold and winter is simply too much work. From getting up early to scrape, shovel and defrost, to all the obnoxious bundles of clothes to simply keep  your teeth from chattering. Winter can suck it. But Fall... Oh joyous Fall. YOU are the season of my heart. The colors are beyond belief. I have lived in Michigan all my life, and I NEVER tire of seeing this magic happen. The palette of fall is rich with reds, oranges and yellows. It is breathtaking in its glory. And it changes literally day to day. It's like waking up to a whole new world. I love it. I now live in an apartment, so I don't get to rake, but I miss it. No really, I do. Mostly, I miss raking the gorgeous leaves into giant piles and jumping in. (Oh yes, I still do this.) It brings back the kid in me, and I doubt I will ever not enjoy this simple pleasure.
Fall is pure magic. The weather is perfect for being outside. Jeans, a comfy hoodie and your favorite boots are the preferred outfit. Days spent at cider mills enjoying warm cider and caramel apples. Nights in front of a cozy fire. There is nothing bad about fall. And let's not forget Halloween. The BEST holiday of all time. Yeah, I said it. The best. You can take Christmas and its overdone, wasteful, commercialized "joy" and stick it where the sun don't shine. (Oh that's right, it's during winter, so that could be anywhere.) Halloween is where it's at. Let's just hit a few key points:
1. There's candy. And lots of it.
2. The decorations are a hoot.
3. You get to dress up. This means you can be anything or anyone you want. Seriously... how great is that?!
4. Did I mention there's candy?

So yes, I ADORE Fall. I love it. I would marry it and have its red, orange and yellow babies. I wish it could last longer, but alas... that is all part of the allure. You have to enjoy it while you can, because it WILL be gone quickly. And then it's winter.... Gross.