The Joys of Crafting...

I've talked about my craft addiction before. I've told you how much I enjoy having a constant outlet for my creative juices. (They tend to get out of hand if you don't direct them at something.) But I don't think I've ever talked about the true joys of crafting. Let me elaborate...
When you get a brilliant idea for a craft at 3:30 in the morning, and cannot fall asleep because your mind won't stop running through all the supplies, etc. Craft joy.
When you think you have everything you need to complete an awesome project, only to realize half way through that you are missing one thing. Craft joy.
When you run the vacuum three times, but still can't get the glitter out of your carpet. Craft joy.
When you burn yourself 18 times with your glue gun, on one thing. Craft joy.
When you see an awesome craft on Pinterest and grab your purse and keys to run to Hobby Lobby to get everything you'll need. Then realize it's Sunday. Craft joy.
When you have paint on every item of clothing you own. Craft joy.
When every single person you know thinks you are their personal crafter for every random project they can think of, or have seen on TV or pinterest. Craft joy.
When people tell you "better ways" to do a project that you have been making for years. Craft joy.
When you find glitter, paint, glue, etc. in strange places, and have no logical explanation for how it got there. Like your underwear, or inside the freezer. Craft joy.
When you're selling your crafts at a show and people talk about how "they could make that" right in front of you. And then proceed to ask you exactly how you made it. Craft joy.
When all available space in closets, cabinets, etc. in your home is taken up with supplies or finished projects, but you're still crafting. Craft joy.
But the biggest one of all. When you go through all of the above, but you still get excited to make crafts. That is real, genuine CRAFT JOY. That is when you know you've got it bad...

Grief: Season 2

I get asked "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" a great deal these days. And as much as I am so very grateful for the care and concern behind the question, I honestly don't know how to answer it. To most people, I say "Fine." or "Doing ok." because that is the easiest response, and generally what people want to hear. To the ones who I think honestly want to know, I have no answer. Or at least not one that can easily be put into words. The real answer is that I am a mess. I may look put together on the outside, but inside is an entirely different story. I have learned to fake being normal quite well. For the most part, I can go about my business and do everyday things while keeping my emotions in check. 'For the most part' being the key phrase there. But the truth is, I feel anything but normal. To be honest, I am not even sure what normal is anymore, and I doubt I will ever feel normal again. So what do I feel? I feel.... like a shell. My body looks the same as it always did, but now it is just a mask. A costume of me. I am merely an actress playing the part of Teena. At least that's how it feels most of the time. The pain is all consuming. There is nothing that I see or do that doesn't bring up thoughts of my son. And even the happy thoughts and memories are accompanied by pain. I am constantly torn between wanting to remember and trying to forget. I want to remember him as he was, and forget that he is gone. I want to see his smile, and forget how he looked in the hospital. I want to recall all the good, and forget the bad. I want to live in denial of the fact that he isn't coming home, but I can't. I want to scream to the Heavens and beg for him back, though I know that it will do no good. This is my constant internal struggle. I want to honor my promise to him, and try and find the joy in life again, but it is so hard. So I get up, and go with the motions. I may even laugh or smile and joke, but I don't feel it. Not really. I just feel empty.
Next week is Thanksgiving. A day to give thanks for all that we have, for the blessings in our lives. I don't feel very grateful these days. I'm sure I should. I still have a lot to be thankful for, but I don't care about any of it. Thanksgiving is also the official start to the holiday season. A reminder that Christmas is right around the corner. I am not celebrating it this year. I just can't. It's too painful. December is probably going to be the hardest month yet. Zachary would've been 19 on December 4th. Instead we will mark the 4 month anniversary of his passing. Not exactly cause for celebration. There won't be balloons and cake. No singing Happy Birthday and teasing him about being old enough to drink in Canada now. Nothing. Just a never ending sadness. Follow that up with Christmas? No thanks. Just being in the stores and seeing all the decorations and stuff is incredibly difficult. I don't want to hear the music. I don't want to see the lights. My list to Santa is short. I only want one thing. I want my son back. Nothing else matters. So I plan on skipping it this year. And maybe every year from now on.
So if you are reading this, I apologize in advance for my lack of cheer and jolliness. If you come to our house, don't expect to see a tree, or festive decor. You won't be getting a card from us either. We still love you, and hope that you have a wonderful holiday, but you'll just have to forgive us if we don't seem real into it. Please just be understanding, and try not to think too harshly of us if we choose to skip your dinner or party, as well. I will try to keep my feelings to myself, but if they slip out from time to time, try not to judge me.

My Boy Child and I in our ugly sweaters. Christmas 2011. Our last Christmas together...

A New Day

It's Wednesday morning, the day after the election. I open my facebook newsfeed to see endless negativity and hate. All because one man beat another man in a popularity contest. Is this high school or America?? 
This isn't about who has the better hair, who looks better on camera, or even who is right or wrong. Elections have become a giant pissing contest. Instead of talking about what they plan to do for our nation, they end up focusing on slandering each other. Debates are arm wrestling matches between two giant children. Political ads are catering to idiots with ugly lies and half truths. This needs to end. Democrat or Republican, I don't care. We are all on the same team. This is America. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing. Health, happiness, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, the comfort of knowing we are safe in our own homes, job security, a good, solid education for ourselves and our children and freedom. Does that about cover the basics? Rich, poor, christian, atheist, gay, straight, black, white, male or female. We all want the same things. Are we really so selfish that we cannot see that? Is it honestly acceptable to think that one group of people deserves more or better than another? Because I'm pretty sure Hitler thought the same thing. Are we striving to be like him? Our ancestors came to this land and started this country on the idea that everyone deserves to be equal. That freedom meant you wouldn't be persecuted for your individual beliefs. That a nation could be run not by a religious group, or a rich king, but by the people. We are those people. We fought long and hard for these rights, yet we forget what they really mean. We are in this together. We are a team. And there is no I in team. Remember in school, when you were taught that it's not about winning or losing, that it's how you play the game? That afterwards, you shook hands with the other team and said "Good game." and you meant it. That was being gracious. A term that we are growing very unfamiliar with in this country. And don't get me started on teamwork. Even Michael Jordan knew when to pass the ball. In almost every team sport there is offense and defense. They have two different jobs, they do very different things, but they are on the same team. They work towards the same goal. Is this concept so insane? Why can't political parties do the same thing? Aren't we all working towards the same goal? Don't we all want those same things I mentioned before? Then why are we fighting each other? There is this thing called compromise. Maybe some of you are familiar with it. It's where two groups work together to come up with a plan that works towards the benefit of everyone. Yes, everyone. Not just a few. Is this really so hard? Maybe if we stopped fighting each other so much and spent less time worried about who is right or wrong, and winning or losing, and more time compromising, things would actually get accomplished. That's crazy talk, I know. Instead of trying to convince the world that your beliefs/views are the ONLY ones, how about focusing on the bigger picture. If you think having good and affordable medical care is the bottom line, then stop bickering over whether or not it covers birth control or abortions and make it happen. Leave the rest up to the people. Don't believe in abortion? Great, then don't get one. It doesn't mean it can't or shouldn't be an option. You don't see the blind lady bitching that her insurance covers glasses, do you? No, because it doesn't affect her, so why should she care? Basic wants and needs are universal. Marriage is the legal commitment of ones love. That's the bottom line. Oh, so your personal religion believes that marriage is only between a man and a woman? Then don't hold gay weddings at your church. Simple as that. But withholding another human's rights based on your personal beliefs is exactly what we came to this country to avoid, is it not? Then why are we still even talking about these things? Your personal beliefs, religious affiliations, and sexual preferences are your own to sort out. Not mine, or anyone else's. They should never even be brought into debate on a public scale. Doing this makes us no better than the men who burned women at the stake for being witches because they bled when they were stabbed. And it makes just about as much sense. Government cannot control everything, nor should it. There is fact and opinion. Politics should deal in facts. Period. Are you entitled to your opinion? Yes. But, guess what. So is everyone else. Are we going to agree on everything? Not a fat chance. But that's the beauty of it. We don't have to. But we do have to live together. So why not do it in peace? Why not compromise and give everyone the chance at having a good and happy life? Why can't we agree to disagree on the unnecessary details, and just do what is best? Is this really so hard? Stop and take a second to examine your life. Are all your friends the same sex as you? Are they all the same religion? Do you all make the same amount of money? No? Well fancy that. You have different views and lifestyles, yet you are still friends. You probably argue from time to time, but you still love each other. You agree to disagree. You compromise. See! We ARE capable of this. If we can do it on a small scale, then it is really so hard to do it on a large one? 
"Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." It's as simple and basic as that.