The Blame Game

Let me start by saying that the horrible and unimaginable event that took place in Newton, CT is a human tragedy, plain and simple. The lives of countless people have been forever changed. As a parent who has very recently lost my only child, my heart aches for those who went home with empty arms and empty souls. There is NO loss like that of a child. There is no pain more intense and unending. If I could reach out and hold each of them, I would. But since there are no words that can ease the pain they feel, I will merely say that I am keeping them in my thoughts and sending them my love.

That being said, I just cannot sit idly by any longer and read post after post, and tweet after endless tweet where people are laying blame and pointing fingers. 
This is not a political issue. The political party that the man (I refuse to give him any notoriety by using his name.) who did this affiliates with is not responsible for his actions. Heinous crimes are committed every day by people from every class, creed, sex and political affiliation. So let's move on.
This is also not a gun issue. Whether you are pro or anti gun, there is an argument to be made either way. To those who think more guns are the answer, to that I say this: Where does it end? If teachers need guns, then what happens when a teacher freaks out and shoots their students? Do we then give all students guns to protect themselves as well? What happened in CT was in an elementary school. The majority of victims were under 8 years old. That is an illogical and irrational attitude. I for one do not want to live in a world where teachers need to carry arms. I cannot help but picture war torn countries and terrified children, and this is not what I want for my America. So you probably think this means that I want no guns. In an ideal world, we would never need guns. This is not an ideal world. Guns are a very real part of our existence. The idea that we can ever live in a world without them is idiotic. I grew up in a family of hunters, and my husband is a registered hand gun owner. Do we need it? No. Has he ever used it? No. It was passed on from his grandfather, and it is locked safely away where it will probably remain until he decides to get rid of it. I am not pro or anti gun. I can see both sides of the picture. But let's be real honest here. Guns were invented to kill. Plain and simple. So we should not be surprised when they do. I am 100% for better and more strict gun laws across the board. Though they will not keep all of the guns out of the hands of people who intend to use them for harm, they MAY keep some out, and if that means saving just one innocent life, then how could I NOT support it. But banning all guns is not a realistic attitude in this day and age. Period. Do I think your Joe Average needs a military grade, assault rifle? Not in the least. But that is a subject for another time. The bottom line is that a gun did not walk into that school and kill those people. A human being did. And as we all know, it doesn't require a gun to kill people. Bombs, knives and various tools have been used throughout history to do just that. So let's not make this a discussion about gun control, because that is another topic altogether. 
I would also like to point out that this is not a religious issue either. Whether you believe God belongs in schools or not, it is NOT the reason this twisted individual did what he did. Period. GOD can never be banned from schools. If you believe that God is a part of you, and that he is with you always, at all times, than he can never be banned from anything. If you think your children need more God, feel free to send them to a religious school, or attend regular church. That is the beauty of living in a free society. You have the RIGHT to practice any religion you choose. As does everyone else. Prayer was banned from schools in America in the early 60's. I personally grew up in the public school system, religion free. As did nearly everyone I know. I have never, ever even considered committing such an unbelievable act. Have you? Probably not. Is this because you were or weren't allowed to pray in school? Doubtful. It's more likely that you grew up in a home where you were taught right from wrong. You were taught that there are consequences to your actions. And you had the love and support of a good family. The world is indeed changing, and not entirely for the better. Speaking only for myself, I do not practice any religion. Nor does my husband. So obviously my son did not either. Yet somehow, he still managed to grow into a kind, loving, respectful and generous person. God had nothing to do with it. 
And God had nothing to do with the actions of the sick and twisted individual who, of his own free will, shot his sleeping mother in the face and then walked into an elementary school and killed 26 innocent people. 
It is high time that we start placing blame where it belongs. On the individual responsible. A lack of responsibility for our own actions is the biggest issue facing us in the world today. We want to point fingers and make excuses. Well, I find that disgusting. If you get drunk, get behind the wheel and kill 3 people, it is NOT the alcohol or the car's fault. It is yours. If you smoke two packs a day, and get cancer, it is not the cigarette's fault. It is yours. Start owning up people. You have free will, and you make your own choices. It is time to start accepting the consequences for those choices. There is only one person responsible for what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School. All the finger pointing and blaming and excuse making in the world will not change that fact. 
I know that in times like this we want answers. We need to know why. But does it really matter? Would knowing why bring those lives back? Is there ANY reason or explanation that would be good enough? The answer is no. 
So maybe instead of looking for answers to unanswerable questions, let's instead focus on things we can control. Look around you. Take a good hard look at the people you know. Start making honest assessments and paying attention. Someone doesn't generally become a mass murderer overnight. If you see a child, or an adult that seems to fit a certain profile, reach out and do something. Parents, PLEASE start being proactive. Wouldn't you rather be the parent of a child in therapy than the parent of a murderer? Mental illness is a very real thing, and it can be helped. Do your research. Ask questions. Be involved. At every stage of your children's lives. There is no shame in asking for help. Let's take all this energy expelled at pointing fingers and making excuses, and use it towards preventing another heartbreaking tragedy. No matter what your personal beliefs, I'm certain we can all agree on one thing. It is a heart wrenching blow to our human spirit that we will never forget. 

Pain...

Today I ran errands. I looked around at the cars I passed on the street, and the people in line at the store. They all were just going about with their lives. Listening to the radio, buying groceries, being normal. I wondered if I looked that way to them. I didn't feel that way. I felt like a ghost. A shadow just passing through other people's lives. I passed an old cemetery on the way home, so I stopped. I just walked around the graves. Somehow I felt more at home there. Just another lost soul. It was oddly peaceful. For just a little while, I didn't have to pretend. I didn't have to put on a fake smile or hide my emotions for the sake of others. 
Tomorrow would be my son's 19th birthday. I should be baking his cake, picking up last minute supplies and wrapping his gifts. 
Instead it will be the 4 month anniversary of his passing...
There is no cake. No balloons. No gifts this year. There is nothing. When I wake up tomorrow, I will remember that he is gone, and that his special day will be just another incredibly painful reminder of that. As if each day isn't hard enough already. 
I keep thinking that we should do something. Celebrate for him somehow. But it's just too hard. I tried to buy a cake mix today. My hand shook when I picked up the box, and it took everything I had not to break down in the aisle. So I put it back. It's just a stupid cake, but I couldn't do it. Just seeing the candles and birthday decorations made me sick to my stomach. How can I celebrate when he's gone? Just thinking about it nearly drops me to my knees. 
I just want to pinch myself and wake up from this nightmare. I want my family back. I want my life back. I want to see my son celebrate his 19th birthday. And his 21st, his 30th, his 50th... I want this pain to stop. I want to hug my boy and tell him I love him. Is that really so much to ask for?