Dear Friends and Loved Ones....

It happened again today. It happens often, as a matter of fact. I said my son's name and was greeted with the awkwardness that has become very familiar to me. 

We lost our son in August of 2012, and since then, I have discovered that very few people know how to deal with our Grief. In the early days, they send cards, attend the service, maybe even bring food. As time goes on, the calls to check in stop, and inevitably, people move on. I get that, I'm fine with that. The part that I'm not so fine with is the lack of understanding on how to deal with parents of child loss as they continue their journey of Grief. Unfortunately, that's not their fault, since there is little out there by way of education on this subject. Friends and family have no idea how to help us, and sadly, we aren't in a place to tell them what we need for a long time, if ever, because we don't know what we need. We know what we want. We want our child back. So how can our loved ones help us deal with the fact that that isn't going to happen? 

How can they comfort us through not just the early days, but for the eternity that lies ahead without our child? 

First and foremost, you need to understand that losing a child is like no other form of Grief. It isn't like losing a parent, a sibling, a friend, or a pet. And yes, I've had people compare it to all of the above. For us, we lost our only child. In one instant, we lost everything. There are no more family photos, no weddings or grandchildren to look forward to. We will have no one to sit with us when we are old, and no one to pass on cherished heirlooms and memories to. We look around our home at the photos of our smiling son, and think about what will happen when we are gone. We wonder who will carry on our legacy, and who will make sure our child isn't forgotten. 

That is one of the hardest parts of losing a child. You worry constantly that everyone but you has forgotten your amazing child. This life that was so celebrated at birth, and through milestone after milestone... but there are no more celebrations now. No more milestones. Only memories. 

At the beginning of this post, I said that awkwardness has become familiar to me. Let me explain...

We lost our son when he was 18. We watched him grow from a helpless child, into a capable young man. We have stories and memories we enjoy sharing, just like any parents. But something happens after you lose a child. Suddenly people don't know how to talk about them. Are afraid or uncomfortable saying or hearing their name. Picture this: You're sitting in a group of your friends. Everyone is laughing and sharing funny stories of their children learning to ride a bike or tie their shoes. So, like any parent, you join in. You share a favorite memory of your child to a group of people you know and trust, and you are greeted with silence, or an immediate change of subject. The people around you no longer make eye contact, some even get up and walk away. 

Sounds unpleasant, right? Well it happens A LOT. And I would consider that experience one of the better ones. 

Since losing Zachary, I have parted ways with many loved ones. They just couldn't deal with it. Being around me was apparently too hard for them. I've also been left out of MANY family gatherings, and had a surprising number of invitations get "lost in the mail". I get it. It's weird. You don't know what to say, or IF you should say anything. You really just want things to go back to how they were before.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but once you've lost a child, you NEVER go back to the person you were before. When you've held your child's hand and watched them take their final breath... you're never the same again. No matter how much those around you might wish you would be. 

Also, we're going to talk about our child. Just as you talk about yours. We're going to share stories, and maybe even get emotional from time to time. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but it's not exactly a tea party for me either. And for those of you who are worried about mentioning our son's name, because you don't want to "remind us" of our loss.... Did you think we had forgotten? Because, trust me when I say this, we haven't. There isn't a minute that goes by in any day that we aren't thinking about and missing our son. One of the few things that actually gives us comfort is knowing that you remember him too. We're never going to get to make new memories with him, but when you share your stories and memories, it's almost like we're getting to. Do you have any idea how big of a gift that is to us? Sure, we're probably going to cry, but those aren't tears of sadness. Not entirely anyway. They're tears of gratitude to you, for reminding us that you haven't forgotten our child. That you think of him too.
So please don't feel awkward. Don't walk away when we share. Don't leave us out of special events and celebrations. Laugh with us, cry with us, share with us. Don't make us feel guilty or shameful for doing what any loving parent does. And if you aren't sure what to say... ASK. It's ok. Our loss isn't a secret. We don't hide it. If you want to know about our son, we'll be more than happy to tell you about him. 

Zach with his first car.