I Fail at Being a Female

So often I see and hear comments about things that women do, and I find myself thinking "But I don't do that, and I'm a woman."
I've spent some time thinking about why that is, and while I have no solid answers, I have to assume it has something to do with being surrounded by men most of my life. I have four brothers, and those four brothers have countless friends, so growing up I spent 98% of my time in the company of guys. While I do have a sister, there is a substantial age gap between us, so we weren't living in the same house for most of my formative years. Which means that when most girls were learning about fashion and hairstyles, I was putting on camo face paint, and playing guns in the woods.

 I've never fit the traditional "girl mold", which could explain why the celebrity crush poster in my bedroom as a teenager was Laetitia Casta, and not Jared Leto. Seriously... just look at her. I don't care if you're straight or gay, if you don't want to tap that, something is wrong with you.
Moving on...
So anyway, my point is, that out of 100 female stereotypes, I maybe fit 5. Maybe. I do love make-up and fabulous shoes, and my attitude towards glitter is: the more, the better. I'm also a sucker for a set of rock hard abs, and a man that knows his way around a tool box. So I'm not a COMPLETE failure as a girl, I suppose. But just for fun, and since we all love stereotypes, here is a list of 25 ways I DO fail as a female:

1. I don't own a single pair of yoga pants. (Or sweat pants) Nope, not one pair.
2. I shave every single day. 365 days a year. No, I don't take winter off, that's disgusting.
3. I hate chick flicks. I can tolerate the occasional romantic comedy (more comedy, less romance preferably) but it better have at least one nude scene.
4. I hate drama. Sure, it happens sometimes, but I never go in search of it. As a matter of fact, I avoid it, and people who create it.
5. I don't understand jealousy. I'm actually about 99% sure that I don't have an envious bone in my body.
6. I find emotions annoying. At times they are unavoidable, but they should be kept private. PDE (public displays of emotion) is SO not my thing.
7. I love porn. No really, I do.
8. I love strip clubs. And not the ones aimed at ladies.
9. I LOVE cars. (Except Camaros. I don't love those.)
10. I'm not passive. Or passive aggressive.
11. I don't understand women. I'm pretty sure I say "Bitches are crazy." more than most of the men I know.
12. I've never had a pedicure, facial, massage, or been to a spa. I've only ever had a professional manicure once, and I hated it. (I prefer to do my own.)
13. I don't find Ryan Gosling, Adam Levine, or George Clooney the least bit attractive.
14. I'm the farthest thing from indecisive. I know exactly what I want.
15. I don't think anyone has ever described me as sensitive. Ever.
16. I loathe feminists.
17. I hate little dogs. If it's no bigger than a cat, just get a damn cat. Oh, and dogs NEVER belong in purses. Never.
18. I love sexy underwear. You won't catch me in "granny panties", not even during that time of the month.
19. I think Valentine's Day & Sweetest Day are the dumbest holidays ever.
20. I'm not into traditional romance. If a guy ever wrote me a love poem, I'd probably respond with "Is your vagina ok?"
21. I don't watch reality TV, awards shows, Oprah or Dr. Phil.
22. I don't suffer from PMS or have mood swings.
23. I'd choose beer over wine or champagne every single time.
24. If you gave me the option of camping or a 5 star hotel, I'd grab my camping gear in a heartbeat.
25. I own exactly 3 hair products. Shampoo, conditioner, and hairspray. Though there might be an ancient bottle of something else floating around under the sink, so let's be safe and say I own 4 hair products.

Now I am fully aware that these are stereotypes, but it's safe to say that many of them are true for many women. And there's nothing wrong with that. To each their own. It's just not who I am. But you know what? I'm proud to be a female. I get to enjoy the best of both worlds. I can dress up and go to a fancy party, or dress down and play in the woods, and be perfectly happy either way. My cowboy boots and stilettos can sit side by side in the closet, and I will kick some ass in either pair. So while I might fail at being a girl sometimes, I am pretty damn successful at just being myself.

What "Being a girl" means to me.

Growing up the baby of 6, with 4 brothers, the word "girl" was often used as an insult. As in "You throw like a girl." or "You hit like a girl." or "Quit acting like a little girl." Clearly it never occured to them that I was in fact, a girl. Sometimes this came in handy, like when I wanted to join the all boys secret club, but other times, I found it offensive.
Being surrounded by men can be great, don't get me wrong. I can fix a toilet, do minor car repairs, throw a mean football and cuss & drink like an Irish sailor. But sometimes, being a girl in a house full of men can be torture. Like when your brothers and their friends find your feminine products or your first training bra. Most of the time, I wanted nothing more than to follow my big brothers around and do what they did. But there were times when all I wanted was to play dress up and practice my hair styling skills on something other than my dolls. I did get lucky, and occasionally my brothers felt sorry for me, and would play GirlTalk or Sweet Valley High with me. (Though they would kill me for saying so.) I always thought that having sisters would be the greatest thing in the world. Someone to share clothes with, someone to stay up late at night and talk about cute boys with. A life long friend and partner in crime.
Looking back, I think of all the ways having been surrounded by men made me who I am. I wonder how different I would be if I had had 4 big sisters instead. And the funny thing is... I wouldn't change a thing. I still know how to be a girl. I cross my legs when I sit, I can do a killer manicure & smokey eye, I love to rock a wicked pair of heels and I enjoy accessories just as much as the next gal. But I also love cars, camping, getting dirty, and a good action flick. I can appreciate a sexy, sensual female body, and hate being catty and gossipy. So maybe all the bumps & bruises were worth it in the long run. Or maybe I have just accepted that "Being a girl" means different things to different people. To me it means being tough but knowing when to offer a hug. It means driving 120 mph while singing show tunes at the top of my lungs. It means that my cowboy boots are just as comfortable as my stillettos. And above all else, it means being me. As eccentric and mixed up as that may be.
 So to all you guys out there, next time you call someone a "girl" remember, you are paying them quite the compliment.