If Only I Had Known...

Tomorrow will be the 10 month anniversary of losing our son. It will also be exactly one year since we watched him graduate from high school. Such an odd combination...
One year ago, I was bickering with my 18 year old (bull headed) son about what he was wearing under his cap and gown. I thought he should dress up, and he wanted to wear shorts and a t-shirt. I remember him telling me that no one would be dressed up, since they had their senior overnight party following. I still pushed for at least pants and nicer shoes. I lost. He ended up being right, and almost all the kids were very casually dressed, so he didn't stick out like the sore thumb I'd assumed he would. 
I remember watching our little boy, who had somehow grown into a man overnight, walk across that stage with his big grin. I remember thinking "Wasn't he just starting kindergarten?" I remember crying like a baby when they called his name, and the pride I felt at seeing him sport his Cum Laude  tassels, and holding that diploma. I remember every moment of that day like it was yesterday. I also remember thinking that we had such a long future ahead of us. College, a career, marriage, kids, etc. This was the beginning of so many amazing things. If only I had known the truth... Two incredibly short months later, we held his hand in a hospital and said our goodbyes. In a matter of seconds, his life was gone, and ours was changed forever. 
If I could go back one year, I wouldn't argue about shoes and dress pants. I wouldn't fuss over his hair. I would just hug him longer. I would tell him again how unbelievably proud of him I was. I would tease him, just to see his smile one more time. I would make him laugh, so I could hear that magical sound again. I would tell him all the things I wish I could tell him now. I would tell him I loved him a thousand more times. I would take hundreds more photos, to try and capture every second that I could. I would pause time, and hold on to my little family for as long as I could. If only I'd known then what I know now...

A random moment between my son & I, captured by a family member after the ceremony. I love this photo so much. 

                                                   My little family... Just one year ago...