I'm Just So Tired...

You know what no one ever tells you about Grief? It's exhausting. Emotions have a way of sucking your energy, and leaving you zombie like.
Since losing our son, Grief has become a way of life. Losing a child is a loss like no other you can experience, and you don't ever get over it, or move past it. It becomes part of who you are, and effects every single thing you do. You learn to deal, and function, but the Grief is always there. I like to think of it as Functioning Grief. You go about your "normal" life as best you can, but everything is a struggle. From getting out of bed, to going to work, to dealing with people, to simply relaxing. Nothing you do is exempt from this struggle. And it is exhausting. Maintaining the Mask of normalcy is tiring in itself. To go about your day, smile, be polite, run errands, work, etc, all while fighting to not lose it... well it's flat out taxing. Emotional triggers are everywhere, non stop. The battle to not succumb to them, and to keep going will wear you out. And you know what happens when you lose the battle? Your emotions bubble to the surface, and overwhelm you. And when this happens, it is downright debilitating.
Since losing our son, I have felt tired constantly. And my normal insomnia has raged out of control. What precious few hours of sleep I might have gotten are now riddled with dreams, waking nightmares, emotional breakdowns, and more. I can't decide what's worse, sleeping or being awake. And it goes on, day after day, after day, after day. Just when I think I can't possibly feel any more weary... I do. And this winter has been such a harsh one, so add to this my standard case of Winter Blues, and suddenly zombies are looking like cheerleaders in comparison.
So what do you do? This isn't the kind of exhaustion that energy drinks or vitamins can fix. It's a mental, physical, emotional, heart & soul weariness that drains you, and leaves you wondering how a person can survive it.
I hear people complain about being tired, or needing a nap, and I think to myself "I remember those days." And I do. I remember feeling sapped after a good workout, or drained after an extra long work day. And I remember the feeling of waking up after a good night's sleep, and feeling refreshed and ready to attack the day. That feeling no longer exists for me. At least not now. Maybe someday I'll wake up to the sun shining, the birds chirping, and feel excited about the day ahead, instead of waking up only to remember that my child is gone, and that I have to make it through yet another day without him.
But for now, I'm just tired. So... very... tired...