Relationship Realness

Let me start by stating that I have been in a happily committed relationship for 16 years. Basically, my relationship can now drive. Meaning... I know a thing or two about healthy, long term romance. And I feel like sometimes marriage and commitment get a bad rap. I realize that after some time, the shimmer and new love smell fades, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are numerous perks to being in a relationship for an extended amount of time. So before you weep over your lost bachelorhood, or pine for your swinging singles days, think about these blissful benefits....

1. Your partner can reach all those places you can't. Got that itch you just can't reach? Your spouse can! Or how about that weird growth on your back that you worry may have sprouted a friend. Your mate can take a peek, and tell you if it's time to get it checked out, or give it a name. Whether it's removal of unwanted body hair, needing a pimple popped, or you just like your creepy toes rubbed, your partner has got you covered.

2. No more embarrassment over normal body functions. Sorry to burst your bubble, fellas, but us ladies do occasionally have to burp, fart, and poop. And when nature calls, you can't ignore it for long. Being in a relationship means you can follow where your body takes you. Even if that journey is a mad dash to the can for explosive diarrhea. And you don't even have to pretend you were just powdering your nose. You just turn on the fan, close the door, and keep the air freshener handy in case your partner needs to pop in for a towel, or a bar of soap.

3. No wasted words. If you've been with your spouse for a good amount of time, more than likely, you know what they are often thinking. This means you can have full conversations with very few words actually spoken. Now this may sound useless to some, but if you've ever tried to talk to someone while brushing your teeth, running out the door in a hurry, or half asleep, you know how convenient this actually is.

4. You can be as freaky as you want. While some folks might think that after being together for a long time, the sex gets boring, us relationship people know that the opposite is often true. The longer you're together, the more comfortable you are, which means you can share your deepest, darkest sexual desires with one another. And if your husband doesn't look as sexy in your bra & panties as you'd hoped... no harm no foul. You always know the tried and true ways to please each other. And who doesn't appreciate a well earned high five after a good orgasm??

5. You can spend the day in your pajamas, and unshowered. With zero f*cks given. Now I don't suggest doing this often, I'm a firm believer in putting your best foot forward, even if that foot isn't going any further than the sofa. But we all deserve the occasional pants free day now and again. And who better to spend it with than the person who knows exactly what snacks to grab you from the kitchen, and thinks you're adorable, even while you're rocking your Elmer's Glue facial mask?

6. Having a fellow passenger on the crazy train. We all have our crazy. Albeit some more than others, but still... Having someone that not only accepts your weirdness, and thinks it's charming, but JOINS you in it. And willingly. Now that is a perk, my friend. Good luck telling that guy on date three that you like to dress up garden gnomes, and give them names and backstories. He'll be gone faster than you can say "Red flag." and you'll go home to cry to your pointy hatted little friends.

7. Endless support. Life is full of drama, bad luck, and bullshit. Some days are just going to suck. And while friends are great, they can't always be there. So having someone to come home to every day, and share in the miseries, and the joys... that's the greatest perk of all. If you are lucky enough to share your life with someone who loves you in spite of all your flaws, stands by you through thick and thin, and can't wait to rip your clothes off of you, even after all this time... be grateful.
So the next time your friend is bragging about the steamy one night stand she had with the sexy bartender from the club, just smile, and know that if she was really lucky, you wouldn't be the one holding her hair back while she puked up all those free appletinis.  

I know I am a lucky gal, because I get to share my life with this amazing man. He truly is my best friend, and my partner in crime, and I don't know where I would be without him.

Photo credit: Photography by Tonya Hauxwell

(check her out here)

Relationship Rules

I have been with my hubs (Dan) for 15 years. We have been through one short lived separation (very early on) three moves, several job changes and raising and losing our son. Just to name a few things... 
People are often telling me that they envy our relationship, and that they want what we have. I get asked for relationship advice regularly, and though I am happy to share my opinions, I don't consider myself an expert by any means. I met and moved in with Dan after two weeks. And though that worked out well for us, I wouldn't exactly suggest it to others. How we are, and what we do, wouldn't work for everyone. But we do have a great relationship, and even after all we've been through, we are pretty damn happy. So maybe I am qualified to offer advice, who knows. But for now, I'll just share some of our rules. These are things we don't compromise on. And in  my opinion, these are a big part of why we are as strong of a couple as we are. Take them as you will... (and these are in no particular order, either)

1. 100% total honesty, all the time. No exceptions. It may not always be easy to say or hear the truth, but it is necessary. We don't sugar coat anything, and we never have. If you can't be totally honest with your partner, you shouldn't be together. Dan and I share everything. The good, the bad and everything in between. There are no secrets. If the shoes weren't on sale, I don't tell him they were. If he thinks the waitress is hot, he doesn't pretend he was just reading her name tag. 
2. Be true to yourself. I have never pretended to be someone I wasn't, and neither has Dan. If I wanted to change him, I shouldn't be with him. If you truly love someone, you love all of them. That's not to say you adore their stinky feet or something, but you accept them as they are. Flaws and all. If you have to hide who you are to please someone else, that's being dishonest. See rule #1. 
3. Sex is CRUCIAL. Couples who don't have sex, scare me. Physical intimacy is SO important to a good relationship. It is how you connect on every level. It shows trust, comfort, passion, desire and so much more. And not only should you be having it (and often) but you should talk about it. Dan and I talk about everything, and sex is no exception. We know each other's likes and dislikes, fantasies and favorites. And we support them. If one of us wants to try something, we try it. Then we talk about it. Nothing is off limits. There is no embarrassment or shame. Why? Because we trust each other completely. And also... See #1.
4. Have fun together. If you can't laugh and have fun with your partner, you're doing something wrong. Dan and I are best friends. As corny as that sounds, it's the truth. We have a blast together. We act goofy and weird and laugh at each other. We wrestle and tease and joke. We find humor wherever we can, and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. 
5. Go to bed at the same time. Now I realize that this can't work for everyone, what with work schedules and such, but this is a big one for us. Falling asleep and waking up together is very important to us. Sometimes this means he naps on the couch for a bit, until I'm tired, and sometimes it means I lie awake for a few. But the comfort of being snuggled up to the one you love, and falling asleep in their warmth makes those occasions totally worth it. 
6. No TV in the bed room. Yup, that's right. In all the years we've been together, we've never had a TV in our room. We watch television in the living room, together. Do we always agree on what to watch? Of course not. But we compromise. And if I'm totally not interested in what he's watching, I play on the computer or read and vice-versa for him. But we are still next to each other, still able to talk and share, still together. That is very important to us. 
7. Share each other's interests. Luckily for us, we share many of the same hobbies and interests. But there are things that one of us may not be totally into. But we still do them together. Dan will craft with me and I help him in the garage. And we BOTH enjoy it. We learn from each other and we make memories. Dan doesn't have or want a "man cave". We don't want to hide from each other. We do things without one another, and that's fine, but we enjoy doing things together as well. And if you don't ever share in your partner's interests, how will you ever experience their joy? I LOVE seeing the look on Dan's face when he's doing something he enjoys. That makes me happy, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
8. Balance each other out. Each person has their strengths and weaknesses. That is just a fact. Instead of holding those weaknesses against the other, Dan and I use them as opportunities to help each other. We aren't perfect, and we understand that. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can figure out the best way to deal with those differences, and make them work. 
9. Communication. This should be a given for any relationship, but sadly I know it isn't for a lot of them. We talk about EVERYTHING. TMI? No such thing. I know that there isn't any subject off limits, and that is a huge comfort to me. No matter how crazy, weird, inappropriate or silly, I know I can talk about it with Dan. And he listens. He may laugh at me, or tell me I'm nuts, but he still listens. And I do the same for him. 
10. Do what works for you. At the end of the day, you are the ones in your relationship, so if something doesn't work for you, don't do it. The world isn't black and white, and neither are relationships. If you are both TRULY happy, that is all that matters. Don't let other people try to fit your relationship into their mold. Each person is different, therefore, each couple will be different. Many people thought that Dan & I wouldn't last, because we didn't fit "their idea" of a good relationship. But we said screw 'em, and did what felt right for us. Fifteen years later, and most of those couples are no longer together, yet here we are. Still going strong...

My Ideal Relationship

I recently read a post via a friend about marriage. It got me thinking that my idea of an ideal relationship is different than most. 
I've been with Dan for 15 years. (I should mention that we are NOT legally married, just in case that somehow makes a difference for someone.) We raised a son together, and lost him in a fatal car accident almost 8 months ago. So we've had our share of trials. Our relationship started off strong and fast. We dated for a couple weeks, then moved in together. Many people questioned our decision, but we didn't. At one point, early on, we did separate for a short time. This was a mutual and very difficult choice on both our parts, but we needed to do it. It was for the best in the long run, and we are both very grateful for that time. It taught us a great deal about ourselves and our strength as a couple. 
Being that we were fairly young when we began dating, we have obviously both changed a great deal in the last 15 years. But we have done it together. If we've discovered new interests, we've supported one another in them. We've changed homes, jobs, etc through the years, yet through it all we've remained strong. We truly are best friends. Not only do we LOVE spending time together, but even after all these years, we still get excited to see each other day after day. We go to bed together in each others arms every night, and we wake up that way every morning. We make each other laugh. We can and do act silly together all the time. We challenge each other to be better and we support one another regardless. We are a team. We each have our strengths and weaknesses and we own them. We talk about EVERYTHING. There is no subject that is off limits. We are 100% honest with the other all the time. Even when honesty isn't the easiest, we still are. We don't always agree, but we ALWAYS work it out. Compromise doesn't mean you always get your way. It means that your relationship is more important than always being right. 
We are each others biggest supporter and number 1 fan. We are there for each other through thick and thin. 
We have an incredible love life. Fifteen years later, and it is better than ever. Sex isn't just for teenagers and newlyweds. We are very open and honest about sex, and we have never hesitated to try new things and be open to one another's fantasies. There is 100% trust in our relationship, up to and including the bedroom. We are and always have been an affectionate couple. We hug and kiss (and smack each others asses) without shame or embarrassment. We love each other and it shows. That is something to be proud of, not something to hide. 
We have grown stronger over the years. We have grown closer, not further apart. We have outlasted many, many marriages of friends & family members. I never thought of myself as someone who would be in a 30, 40 or 50 year relationship. It seemed crazy and unrealistic to me. But it no longer does. I can picture Dan and I old and grey. Still laughing and having fun. Still best friends. Still grabbing ass and getting frisky. 
There is no formula for the perfect relationship. Each person and couple are different. Everyone brings their own wants, needs, expectations and baggage into a partnership. Some "rules" are basic common sense. Communication, honesty, attraction, etc. We know that without a good foundation, a relationship will fail. But what makes up a good, solid and happy relationship is as varied and unique as the people in it. My notion of the ideal marriage is not the same as someone else's. Nor should it be. I am not the same as someone else. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself "Am I truly happy?" and the answer is no, it's time to try something different. 

                                         Dan & I on a camping trip recently.