Real Talk: The Joys of Living Together

When you are in a committed relationship, and eventually move in together, there is a flood of excitement and nervousness. You are taking a huge step, and you can't wait to settle in to this new role. Only magic and wonder lie ahead.  
Yeah, yeah. Fast forward a bit...
You've lived together a few years, maybe more. Your lives are utterly intertwined. There is no longer a mine or yours, only ours. And while this is the original intention, and not at all a bad thing, there are several aspects of joint living that we don't really consider, or even notice right away. The hidden truths of living together that no one talks about. Until now.
So for those of you about to take the leap, or for those still in the honeymoon phase... be prepared. Soon enough, your moment of awakening will come.
And for those of you who've been on the ride awhile... hopefully you'll find comfort knowing you're not alone.

1. The Battle of the Bed.
Growing up, you lived in this naïve world, where you believed you would always be able to throw yourself into bed any way you wished, and sleep like Rip Van Winkle. Those days are gone. Now, you've been relegated to one half (if you're lucky) of a bed. And not just any half. Nay. You were forced to choose a side, and sleep on that side for the remainder of your days. I mean sure... you could switch it up, but then what if you woke up in the middle of the night and needed your chapstick? Well, that is in YOUR nightstand, on what feels like the other side of the planet. Or what if you forget that you're no longer on the side nearest the bathroom, and in your sleepy state, accidentally pee in the closet? It's just not worth it. Accept your fate, and stay on your side.

2. Silence is Golden.
Just because you love someone and share a home with them, does not mean that you are always on the same page. Sometimes, one or the other of you will want nothing more than peace and quiet, whilst the other randomly decided that RIGHT THEN is the perfect time to practice their Mariah Carey karaoke jam session. So even though the little crazy voice in your head is screaming "DEAR LORD, SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" you must suffer in silence. Yes silence, that word that your darling roomie clearly does not know the meaning of.

3. Umm, excuse me. I'm in here.
Don't waste your breath with those words. They know you are in there. They just don't care. Privacy is a thing of the past. You will now always have company when you bleach your mustache, shower, and empty your bladder. Because obviously, that is the perfect time to discuss everything. Oh, and scoot over, they also need to clip their toenails or trim their nose hair right this very second. It doesn't matter that there is another, perfectly functional bathroom they could use. Nope, you're a team now. You do all things together. Yay.

4. Closet Space.
Here's the deal. I don't care what any real estate agent or fancy home listing says. Unless your home has been featured on an episode of MTV Cribs, you will NOT have enough closet space in your master bedroom. No bedroom closet was ever properly designed for two adults to share. I don't care how big it looks, it will not be big enough. Someone is going to have to keep their shit in another room, or accept 30% of their allotted space. And yes, I DO need all of those shoes.

5. The Great Debate.
Ok, so you love each other. For better or for worse. Fine. But you are never, ever, ever going to agree on everything. Whether it is how to properly put on a roll of toilet paper (It's always over, by the way. Always.) how to squeeze the toothpaste, fold a hand towel, or load the dishwasher.... there will be at least one thing that you eternally disagree on. You may compromise, but you will never get over it. Your way is the right way, and that's all there is to it.

6. But that was mine!
There will come a time when you find yourself huffing like a pissed off toddler who refuses to share and saying "Stop taking/using my shit!" Regardless of how well you think you hid that box of your favorite cookies, or how many times you point out which razor is yours. I know, I know.... there is no MINE or YOURS. But really... that was MY donut. I was saving it. And that shampoo you used... that was mine too.

7. You'll Never Be Lonely Again.
Living with someone is not always easy. You will bicker over trivial things, you will wonder how someone so adorable can make a room stink so bad, and you will probably day dream about what it would be like to live alone every so often. But you will NEVER be lonely again. Even when you think all you want is alone time, when they aren't there, you will find yourself listening intently for the sound of their key in the door. You will lie next to them at night and know that the bed would just feel so big and empty without them. (something you'll have to remind yourself of when the snoring starts) You will form habits together, and become a real team. You will share things you never expected to share, and you will be all the better for it. THAT is the real truth.

If I Had An Advice Column

People often ask me for my advice on things. I'm not sure if it's with the intention of listening, or doing the opposite, but I'm flattered just the same. I'm far from a role model. But I am brutally honest, so there is that. If you appreciate that sort of thing. If you don't... well then, I'm probably not the right person to talk to.
Anywho, the point is, I'm not exactly qualified to offer advice. But I don't let that stop me. Most of the time the "professionals" like to sugar coat things too much, and that's just not my style.
So today, for your entertainment, I'm offering up my relationship advice. Just to save the haters the trouble, I'll include this disclaimer: I'm not an expert. I AM in a very happy 16+ year relationship though, so take from this what you will.

1. Commitment should not equate giving up. I see this all the time, and rarely with positive results. Just because you've landed your partner, doesn't mean your job is done. You don't get to stop trying now. Yes, it's ok for him to see you without your make-up from time to time, but that doesn't mean that you quit exercising, and live in sweat pants for the remainder of your life either. Look in the mirror. Ask yourself honestly: Would YOU want to have sex with that? If the answer is no, than odds are, your partner doesn't want to either. If you get yourself all done up when you go out, but never for the person you share your life with... that's a problem. Our spouses are the people we should most want to impress. Yet so often, they get the short end of the stick.

2. Jealousy will get you nowhere. It's called the green headed monster for a reason. Because it's not pretty. If you can't and don't trust the person you are with... then you shouldn't be with them. Period. There are no exceptions to this. If you have to stalk your partners social media, check their phone, and constantly question what they're doing, you need to get help. The problem isn't with them, it's with you. Because that means that either A) you've found a reason to be mistrustful, so you shouldn't be with them anyway, or B) you are a psycho jealous person, and are going to push them away with your craziness. Trust is absolutely key in a good, healthy relationship. Without that, you have nothing.

3. Who cares if they look? This goes along with #2 fairly well. I see and hear so many couples fight over their partner looking at or talking to a member of the opposite sex. And God forbid they say they think that person is attractive. (Insert the fires of Hell here) That is so ignorant. It is absolutely normal and natural to appreciate beauty in all its forms. Why is it ok for someone to say they'd sleep with a celebrity if they had the chance, but not the guy or girl next door? Is it because we see celebrities as unattainable, so that makes it ok? If you see a woman with a cute baby, do you automatically want to steal that baby? Or a guy with an adorable little puppy. Do you immediately snatch that puppy? Of course not! You know why? Because that would be stupid. And so is the idea that every person your partner looks at is a threat to you. Being in a committed relationship does not make us stop appreciating attractive people. It doesn't even make us automatically shut off the part of ourselves that flirts and appreciates compliments. The occasional ego boost can be perfectly harmless and even healthy.

4. Do you talk to your partner like you talk to your friends? When you get together with your friends, what do you talk about? Would you have that same conversation with your partner? If the answer is no, why not? Aren't our partners supposed to be our friends too? If you can't share all the things that are on your mind, INCLUDING complaints about each other, with your spouse, then you will constantly be looking to fill that void somewhere else. This leads to the couples I see with totally separate lives. Some time apart is a good thing, and healthy, but if you cannot also enjoy time alone together... that is a problem.

5. Are you still the same person you were before you got married/committed? Are your hobbies the same? Do you still practice the same religion? Do you still maintain friendships that predated your relationship? If you answered no to any of those, ask yourself why. Oftentimes when we are in a long term relationship, we find ourselves changing to accommodate the other person. That's totally normal, and you should do that to some extent. But if you are becoming someone else entirely, that is a problem. I've never liked the popular wedding quote about two people becoming one. Because in my eyes, I can't help but think someone has gone missing. Joining your life with someone else's doesn't mean that you cease to exist. If you like baseball, and your partner prefers basketball, it's fine if you buy a Pistons jersey and start attending games. But if you have to give up the Tigers in order to do it... that's a problem. Couples should try to enjoy each others hobbies, and take an interest in the things their partners appreciate. Not expect one or the other to sacrifice what makes them who they are.

6. Making sex a priority. This is something that I cannot stress enough. Sex is so much more important in a healthy relationship than people give it credit for. Not only is it important for bonding and intimacy, but it's also great for your mental and physical health, self esteem, and more. It is a fact that couples who have sex regularly are happier and healthier overall. There have been countless scientific studies proving this. I hate when I hear couples make excuses for why they aren't having sex. If you have time to watch TV, play on the computer, and bake a cake... you have time for sex. And having kids is not an excuse either. I personally think couples who have kids should have sex even more often. Sex is a natural stress reliever, pain killer, mood lifter, and what parent doesn't need that? And regular sex helps couples stay closer, which has countless benefits for kids. Parents are the first and most important example of relationships that children see. If your kids see happy, affectionate, loving parents, they too will seek out that type of a connection when they grow up. If they see distant, cold, angry parents, that is what they will assume is normal & healthy. Not to mention couples that are closer and more intimate will most likely have better communication and a stronger bond. This comes in handy when raising children, since you should both be on the same team. So have sex. As much as possible. Seriously... just do it.

Ok, so I could go on and on, but then this would be too long, and no one would read it. The point is, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. And what works for one couple may not work for another. But that doesn't mean that some things aren't just basic common sense. Trust, communication, intimacy... those are crucial. Without those things... a relationship just cannot last. At least not happily.
**If you want my advice on relationships, or anything else, please don't hesitate to contact me, and I'll gladly assist in any way I can. ;)

Relationship Realness

Let me start by stating that I have been in a happily committed relationship for 16 years. Basically, my relationship can now drive. Meaning... I know a thing or two about healthy, long term romance. And I feel like sometimes marriage and commitment get a bad rap. I realize that after some time, the shimmer and new love smell fades, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are numerous perks to being in a relationship for an extended amount of time. So before you weep over your lost bachelorhood, or pine for your swinging singles days, think about these blissful benefits....

1. Your partner can reach all those places you can't. Got that itch you just can't reach? Your spouse can! Or how about that weird growth on your back that you worry may have sprouted a friend. Your mate can take a peek, and tell you if it's time to get it checked out, or give it a name. Whether it's removal of unwanted body hair, needing a pimple popped, or you just like your creepy toes rubbed, your partner has got you covered.

2. No more embarrassment over normal body functions. Sorry to burst your bubble, fellas, but us ladies do occasionally have to burp, fart, and poop. And when nature calls, you can't ignore it for long. Being in a relationship means you can follow where your body takes you. Even if that journey is a mad dash to the can for explosive diarrhea. And you don't even have to pretend you were just powdering your nose. You just turn on the fan, close the door, and keep the air freshener handy in case your partner needs to pop in for a towel, or a bar of soap.

3. No wasted words. If you've been with your spouse for a good amount of time, more than likely, you know what they are often thinking. This means you can have full conversations with very few words actually spoken. Now this may sound useless to some, but if you've ever tried to talk to someone while brushing your teeth, running out the door in a hurry, or half asleep, you know how convenient this actually is.

4. You can be as freaky as you want. While some folks might think that after being together for a long time, the sex gets boring, us relationship people know that the opposite is often true. The longer you're together, the more comfortable you are, which means you can share your deepest, darkest sexual desires with one another. And if your husband doesn't look as sexy in your bra & panties as you'd hoped... no harm no foul. You always know the tried and true ways to please each other. And who doesn't appreciate a well earned high five after a good orgasm??

5. You can spend the day in your pajamas, and unshowered. With zero f*cks given. Now I don't suggest doing this often, I'm a firm believer in putting your best foot forward, even if that foot isn't going any further than the sofa. But we all deserve the occasional pants free day now and again. And who better to spend it with than the person who knows exactly what snacks to grab you from the kitchen, and thinks you're adorable, even while you're rocking your Elmer's Glue facial mask?

6. Having a fellow passenger on the crazy train. We all have our crazy. Albeit some more than others, but still... Having someone that not only accepts your weirdness, and thinks it's charming, but JOINS you in it. And willingly. Now that is a perk, my friend. Good luck telling that guy on date three that you like to dress up garden gnomes, and give them names and backstories. He'll be gone faster than you can say "Red flag." and you'll go home to cry to your pointy hatted little friends.

7. Endless support. Life is full of drama, bad luck, and bullshit. Some days are just going to suck. And while friends are great, they can't always be there. So having someone to come home to every day, and share in the miseries, and the joys... that's the greatest perk of all. If you are lucky enough to share your life with someone who loves you in spite of all your flaws, stands by you through thick and thin, and can't wait to rip your clothes off of you, even after all this time... be grateful.
So the next time your friend is bragging about the steamy one night stand she had with the sexy bartender from the club, just smile, and know that if she was really lucky, you wouldn't be the one holding her hair back while she puked up all those free appletinis.  

I know I am a lucky gal, because I get to share my life with this amazing man. He truly is my best friend, and my partner in crime, and I don't know where I would be without him.

Photo credit: Photography by Tonya Hauxwell

(check her out here)

Relationships and Kids

For anyone who thinks that their marriage or relationship doesn't affect their children's lives... think again.
A child's earliest examples of how couples interact, and what is acceptable behavior in a relationship come from seeing their parents together. Whether they realize it or not, they will most likely follow those examples later on, when choosing a partner.
This begs the question... What example are you setting? I often hear people in bad or unhappy relationships make excuses, and say things like "Well, we are staying together for the kids." and I can't help but wonder why. If you are unhappy in your relationship, why is it ok to subject your children to that? Do your kids not deserve to have the best possible version of you in their lives? Do they not deserve to see an example of a healthy, happy marriage? Do you think that they don't see and feel the anger, animosity and negativity?
And if you can "make it work" in the same home long enough for your children to grow, why can't you make it work apart?
Now I know that single parents and mixed families often get a bad rap, and I know it isn't always the ideal situation, but it CAN work. Many, many children grow up with step parents and suffer no adverse effects. It IS possible. Getting out of a bad relationship can teach your kids self respect, morals, the value of happiness, growth and more. Staying in a bad relationship can teach them how to accept less than they are worth, that love and happiness aren't worth seeking, how to settle, and that change is scary and impossible. What lessons would you rather your kids learn?
Seeing the most important people in your life happy, affectionate, sincere, trusting and genuine goes a long way in teaching children how to have those things themselves.
This leads me to my next point. If you are a single parent, you are still entitled to happiness. Does this mean putting YOUR happiness above the safety and well being of your children? No. But it does sometimes mean that your children may have to accept a change that they don't immediately want to. That's ok. They WILL get over it. Especially if that change shows them positive things. If they are used to a sad, angry, tired, depressed parent, and they see a more joyous, kind, energetic and loving version of you, they will start to see that change can be for the better.
And if you are a single parent, please... I beg of you, use good judgment when bringing new people into your child's life. Don't introduce them to every person you meet, and don't allow them to grow attached to someone, if you honestly don't see a future with that person. That is unfair to them. And will only cause you problems in the future. Be smart, choose wisely, and don't be in a hurry to find a new partner. But what is without a doubt, the most important thing you can do as a divorced or separated parent is to NEVER make your ex into the bad one. YOU chose to make children with that person, and those children are HALF of them as well, and they love mom AND dad. By telling them that their parent is a terrible person, you are also essentially telling them that they are a terrible person for being part of them and/or for loving them. Don't make them chose a favorite, and don't make them a pawn in some kind of game. Don't bad mouth your ex in front of, or to your kids. Don't make it uncomfortable for your children to be in the same place as both of you, for there will be MANY times in their lives that they will want or need you both there, and they should never be made to choose or feel torn. Don't talk cruelly about someone your ex is married to or dating, either. It is hard enough to be a step parent without mom or dad making it worse. Be as respectful and kind as possible, and do your best to create a situation that is positive for the kids. When split families can get along, and work well together, that is even more love and support in the child's life, and that is not a bad thing. You are no longer with your ex, so their flaws and faults are no longer your concern. And if they do affect you somehow, deal with it privately and leave the kids out of it.
I could go on and on about this topic, but I think you get the point.
Your relationships DO effect your children, and it is important to understand and accept that. Personally, I think it is something you should consider thoroughly BEFORE having kids with someone, but at the very least after. So if you love your kids, show them that you also love yourself enough to be genuinely happy, and teach them how to have good relationships.

Relationship Rules

I have been with my hubs (Dan) for 15 years. We have been through one short lived separation (very early on) three moves, several job changes and raising and losing our son. Just to name a few things... 
People are often telling me that they envy our relationship, and that they want what we have. I get asked for relationship advice regularly, and though I am happy to share my opinions, I don't consider myself an expert by any means. I met and moved in with Dan after two weeks. And though that worked out well for us, I wouldn't exactly suggest it to others. How we are, and what we do, wouldn't work for everyone. But we do have a great relationship, and even after all we've been through, we are pretty damn happy. So maybe I am qualified to offer advice, who knows. But for now, I'll just share some of our rules. These are things we don't compromise on. And in  my opinion, these are a big part of why we are as strong of a couple as we are. Take them as you will... (and these are in no particular order, either)

1. 100% total honesty, all the time. No exceptions. It may not always be easy to say or hear the truth, but it is necessary. We don't sugar coat anything, and we never have. If you can't be totally honest with your partner, you shouldn't be together. Dan and I share everything. The good, the bad and everything in between. There are no secrets. If the shoes weren't on sale, I don't tell him they were. If he thinks the waitress is hot, he doesn't pretend he was just reading her name tag. 
2. Be true to yourself. I have never pretended to be someone I wasn't, and neither has Dan. If I wanted to change him, I shouldn't be with him. If you truly love someone, you love all of them. That's not to say you adore their stinky feet or something, but you accept them as they are. Flaws and all. If you have to hide who you are to please someone else, that's being dishonest. See rule #1. 
3. Sex is CRUCIAL. Couples who don't have sex, scare me. Physical intimacy is SO important to a good relationship. It is how you connect on every level. It shows trust, comfort, passion, desire and so much more. And not only should you be having it (and often) but you should talk about it. Dan and I talk about everything, and sex is no exception. We know each other's likes and dislikes, fantasies and favorites. And we support them. If one of us wants to try something, we try it. Then we talk about it. Nothing is off limits. There is no embarrassment or shame. Why? Because we trust each other completely. And also... See #1.
4. Have fun together. If you can't laugh and have fun with your partner, you're doing something wrong. Dan and I are best friends. As corny as that sounds, it's the truth. We have a blast together. We act goofy and weird and laugh at each other. We wrestle and tease and joke. We find humor wherever we can, and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. 
5. Go to bed at the same time. Now I realize that this can't work for everyone, what with work schedules and such, but this is a big one for us. Falling asleep and waking up together is very important to us. Sometimes this means he naps on the couch for a bit, until I'm tired, and sometimes it means I lie awake for a few. But the comfort of being snuggled up to the one you love, and falling asleep in their warmth makes those occasions totally worth it. 
6. No TV in the bed room. Yup, that's right. In all the years we've been together, we've never had a TV in our room. We watch television in the living room, together. Do we always agree on what to watch? Of course not. But we compromise. And if I'm totally not interested in what he's watching, I play on the computer or read and vice-versa for him. But we are still next to each other, still able to talk and share, still together. That is very important to us. 
7. Share each other's interests. Luckily for us, we share many of the same hobbies and interests. But there are things that one of us may not be totally into. But we still do them together. Dan will craft with me and I help him in the garage. And we BOTH enjoy it. We learn from each other and we make memories. Dan doesn't have or want a "man cave". We don't want to hide from each other. We do things without one another, and that's fine, but we enjoy doing things together as well. And if you don't ever share in your partner's interests, how will you ever experience their joy? I LOVE seeing the look on Dan's face when he's doing something he enjoys. That makes me happy, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
8. Balance each other out. Each person has their strengths and weaknesses. That is just a fact. Instead of holding those weaknesses against the other, Dan and I use them as opportunities to help each other. We aren't perfect, and we understand that. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can figure out the best way to deal with those differences, and make them work. 
9. Communication. This should be a given for any relationship, but sadly I know it isn't for a lot of them. We talk about EVERYTHING. TMI? No such thing. I know that there isn't any subject off limits, and that is a huge comfort to me. No matter how crazy, weird, inappropriate or silly, I know I can talk about it with Dan. And he listens. He may laugh at me, or tell me I'm nuts, but he still listens. And I do the same for him. 
10. Do what works for you. At the end of the day, you are the ones in your relationship, so if something doesn't work for you, don't do it. The world isn't black and white, and neither are relationships. If you are both TRULY happy, that is all that matters. Don't let other people try to fit your relationship into their mold. Each person is different, therefore, each couple will be different. Many people thought that Dan & I wouldn't last, because we didn't fit "their idea" of a good relationship. But we said screw 'em, and did what felt right for us. Fifteen years later, and most of those couples are no longer together, yet here we are. Still going strong...

My Ideal Relationship

I recently read a post via a friend about marriage. It got me thinking that my idea of an ideal relationship is different than most. 
I've been with Dan for 15 years. (I should mention that we are NOT legally married, just in case that somehow makes a difference for someone.) We raised a son together, and lost him in a fatal car accident almost 8 months ago. So we've had our share of trials. Our relationship started off strong and fast. We dated for a couple weeks, then moved in together. Many people questioned our decision, but we didn't. At one point, early on, we did separate for a short time. This was a mutual and very difficult choice on both our parts, but we needed to do it. It was for the best in the long run, and we are both very grateful for that time. It taught us a great deal about ourselves and our strength as a couple. 
Being that we were fairly young when we began dating, we have obviously both changed a great deal in the last 15 years. But we have done it together. If we've discovered new interests, we've supported one another in them. We've changed homes, jobs, etc through the years, yet through it all we've remained strong. We truly are best friends. Not only do we LOVE spending time together, but even after all these years, we still get excited to see each other day after day. We go to bed together in each others arms every night, and we wake up that way every morning. We make each other laugh. We can and do act silly together all the time. We challenge each other to be better and we support one another regardless. We are a team. We each have our strengths and weaknesses and we own them. We talk about EVERYTHING. There is no subject that is off limits. We are 100% honest with the other all the time. Even when honesty isn't the easiest, we still are. We don't always agree, but we ALWAYS work it out. Compromise doesn't mean you always get your way. It means that your relationship is more important than always being right. 
We are each others biggest supporter and number 1 fan. We are there for each other through thick and thin. 
We have an incredible love life. Fifteen years later, and it is better than ever. Sex isn't just for teenagers and newlyweds. We are very open and honest about sex, and we have never hesitated to try new things and be open to one another's fantasies. There is 100% trust in our relationship, up to and including the bedroom. We are and always have been an affectionate couple. We hug and kiss (and smack each others asses) without shame or embarrassment. We love each other and it shows. That is something to be proud of, not something to hide. 
We have grown stronger over the years. We have grown closer, not further apart. We have outlasted many, many marriages of friends & family members. I never thought of myself as someone who would be in a 30, 40 or 50 year relationship. It seemed crazy and unrealistic to me. But it no longer does. I can picture Dan and I old and grey. Still laughing and having fun. Still best friends. Still grabbing ass and getting frisky. 
There is no formula for the perfect relationship. Each person and couple are different. Everyone brings their own wants, needs, expectations and baggage into a partnership. Some "rules" are basic common sense. Communication, honesty, attraction, etc. We know that without a good foundation, a relationship will fail. But what makes up a good, solid and happy relationship is as varied and unique as the people in it. My notion of the ideal marriage is not the same as someone else's. Nor should it be. I am not the same as someone else. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself "Am I truly happy?" and the answer is no, it's time to try something different. 

                                         Dan & I on a camping trip recently.