Anywho, the point is, I'm not exactly qualified to offer advice. But I don't let that stop me. Most of the time the "professionals" like to sugar coat things too much, and that's just not my style.
So today, for your entertainment, I'm offering up my relationship advice. Just to save the haters the trouble, I'll include this disclaimer: I'm not an expert. I AM in a very happy 16+ year relationship though, so take from this what you will.
1. Commitment should not equate giving up. I see this all the time, and rarely with positive results. Just because you've landed your partner, doesn't mean your job is done. You don't get to stop trying now. Yes, it's ok for him to see you without your make-up from time to time, but that doesn't mean that you quit exercising, and live in sweat pants for the remainder of your life either. Look in the mirror. Ask yourself honestly: Would YOU want to have sex with that? If the answer is no, than odds are, your partner doesn't want to either. If you get yourself all done up when you go out, but never for the person you share your life with... that's a problem. Our spouses are the people we should most want to impress. Yet so often, they get the short end of the stick.
2. Jealousy will get you nowhere. It's called the green headed monster for a reason. Because it's not pretty. If you can't and don't trust the person you are with... then you shouldn't be with them. Period. There are no exceptions to this. If you have to stalk your partners social media, check their phone, and constantly question what they're doing, you need to get help. The problem isn't with them, it's with you. Because that means that either A) you've found a reason to be mistrustful, so you shouldn't be with them anyway, or B) you are a psycho jealous person, and are going to push them away with your craziness. Trust is absolutely key in a good, healthy relationship. Without that, you have nothing.
3. Who cares if they look? This goes along with #2 fairly well. I see and hear so many couples fight over their partner looking at or talking to a member of the opposite sex. And God forbid they say they think that person is attractive. (Insert the fires of Hell here) That is so ignorant. It is absolutely normal and natural to appreciate beauty in all its forms. Why is it ok for someone to say they'd sleep with a celebrity if they had the chance, but not the guy or girl next door? Is it because we see celebrities as unattainable, so that makes it ok? If you see a woman with a cute baby, do you automatically want to steal that baby? Or a guy with an adorable little puppy. Do you immediately snatch that puppy? Of course not! You know why? Because that would be stupid. And so is the idea that every person your partner looks at is a threat to you. Being in a committed relationship does not make us stop appreciating attractive people. It doesn't even make us automatically shut off the part of ourselves that flirts and appreciates compliments. The occasional ego boost can be perfectly harmless and even healthy.
4. Do you talk to your partner like you talk to your friends? When you get together with your friends, what do you talk about? Would you have that same conversation with your partner? If the answer is no, why not? Aren't our partners supposed to be our friends too? If you can't share all the things that are on your mind, INCLUDING complaints about each other, with your spouse, then you will constantly be looking to fill that void somewhere else. This leads to the couples I see with totally separate lives. Some time apart is a good thing, and healthy, but if you cannot also enjoy time alone together... that is a problem.
5. Are you still the same person you were before you got married/committed? Are your hobbies the same? Do you still practice the same religion? Do you still maintain friendships that predated your relationship? If you answered no to any of those, ask yourself why. Oftentimes when we are in a long term relationship, we find ourselves changing to accommodate the other person. That's totally normal, and you should do that to some extent. But if you are becoming someone else entirely, that is a problem. I've never liked the popular wedding quote about two people becoming one. Because in my eyes, I can't help but think someone has gone missing. Joining your life with someone else's doesn't mean that you cease to exist. If you like baseball, and your partner prefers basketball, it's fine if you buy a Pistons jersey and start attending games. But if you have to give up the Tigers in order to do it... that's a problem. Couples should try to enjoy each others hobbies, and take an interest in the things their partners appreciate. Not expect one or the other to sacrifice what makes them who they are.
6. Making sex a priority. This is something that I cannot stress enough. Sex is so much more important in a healthy relationship than people give it credit for. Not only is it important for bonding and intimacy, but it's also great for your mental and physical health, self esteem, and more. It is a fact that couples who have sex regularly are happier and healthier overall. There have been countless scientific studies proving this. I hate when I hear couples make excuses for why they aren't having sex. If you have time to watch TV, play on the computer, and bake a cake... you have time for sex. And having kids is not an excuse either. I personally think couples who have kids should have sex even more often. Sex is a natural stress reliever, pain killer, mood lifter, and what parent doesn't need that? And regular sex helps couples stay closer, which has countless benefits for kids. Parents are the first and most important example of relationships that children see. If your kids see happy, affectionate, loving parents, they too will seek out that type of a connection when they grow up. If they see distant, cold, angry parents, that is what they will assume is normal & healthy. Not to mention couples that are closer and more intimate will most likely have better communication and a stronger bond. This comes in handy when raising children, since you should both be on the same team. So have sex. As much as possible. Seriously... just do it.
Ok, so I could go on and on, but then this would be too long, and no one would read it. The point is, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. And what works for one couple may not work for another. But that doesn't mean that some things aren't just basic common sense. Trust, communication, intimacy... those are crucial. Without those things... a relationship just cannot last. At least not happily.
**If you want my advice on relationships, or anything else, please don't hesitate to contact me, and I'll gladly assist in any way I can. ;)
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