Just Not Feeling It Today...

It's just not a good day. I realize it's not even noon, so maybe it seems a bit too early to judge an entire day, but that's exactly what I'm doing. Because I know that it probably won't get any better. More than likely, my mood will significantly worsen as the hours roll on. That's just how it works now. Grief is funny that way. Sometimes there are bad days, and you just can't fake it...
And sometimes you feel it coming. It starts in your body. The aches and pains of grief build and build, and you feel battered and beaten. What little sleep you normally might get is more fitful than usual, and filled with vivid dreams and nightmares. You wake up more exhausted than you fell asleep, and you struggle to get out of bed. Once you force yourself to get going, you find yourself in a fog. Your mind is scattered, and focus is almost impossible. You isolate yourself from people, because you know that you won't be very good at pretending to be normal or "ok", and you don't feel like explaining why you aren't, because no matter how hard they may try, most people just won't get it.
Days like today it feels like you are constantly being barraged with triggers. Every song, commercial, and image just rips at your broken heart, and reminds you that it will never heal.
Memories play on a loop through your mind, teasing you with moments that you will never get back, and tormenting you with guilt, yearning, and sorrow.
Simple tasks become mountains that you fight to conquer. You can't eat, and if you try, you feel nauseous.
You feel angry, annoyed, and impatient. With the world around you, and with yourself. You want nothing more than to hide away and hope for it to pass.
You want to give in to the darkness, because it is easier than fighting. But you can't. So you keep pushing forward. Step after step through the quicksand. Two steps forward, and three steps back.
This is Grief. This is the reality that follows a great loss.
Today is just not a good day...