Real Talk: The Joys of Living Together

When you are in a committed relationship, and eventually move in together, there is a flood of excitement and nervousness. You are taking a huge step, and you can't wait to settle in to this new role. Only magic and wonder lie ahead.  
Yeah, yeah. Fast forward a bit...
You've lived together a few years, maybe more. Your lives are utterly intertwined. There is no longer a mine or yours, only ours. And while this is the original intention, and not at all a bad thing, there are several aspects of joint living that we don't really consider, or even notice right away. The hidden truths of living together that no one talks about. Until now.
So for those of you about to take the leap, or for those still in the honeymoon phase... be prepared. Soon enough, your moment of awakening will come.
And for those of you who've been on the ride awhile... hopefully you'll find comfort knowing you're not alone.

1. The Battle of the Bed.
Growing up, you lived in this naïve world, where you believed you would always be able to throw yourself into bed any way you wished, and sleep like Rip Van Winkle. Those days are gone. Now, you've been relegated to one half (if you're lucky) of a bed. And not just any half. Nay. You were forced to choose a side, and sleep on that side for the remainder of your days. I mean sure... you could switch it up, but then what if you woke up in the middle of the night and needed your chapstick? Well, that is in YOUR nightstand, on what feels like the other side of the planet. Or what if you forget that you're no longer on the side nearest the bathroom, and in your sleepy state, accidentally pee in the closet? It's just not worth it. Accept your fate, and stay on your side.

2. Silence is Golden.
Just because you love someone and share a home with them, does not mean that you are always on the same page. Sometimes, one or the other of you will want nothing more than peace and quiet, whilst the other randomly decided that RIGHT THEN is the perfect time to practice their Mariah Carey karaoke jam session. So even though the little crazy voice in your head is screaming "DEAR LORD, SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" you must suffer in silence. Yes silence, that word that your darling roomie clearly does not know the meaning of.

3. Umm, excuse me. I'm in here.
Don't waste your breath with those words. They know you are in there. They just don't care. Privacy is a thing of the past. You will now always have company when you bleach your mustache, shower, and empty your bladder. Because obviously, that is the perfect time to discuss everything. Oh, and scoot over, they also need to clip their toenails or trim their nose hair right this very second. It doesn't matter that there is another, perfectly functional bathroom they could use. Nope, you're a team now. You do all things together. Yay.

4. Closet Space.
Here's the deal. I don't care what any real estate agent or fancy home listing says. Unless your home has been featured on an episode of MTV Cribs, you will NOT have enough closet space in your master bedroom. No bedroom closet was ever properly designed for two adults to share. I don't care how big it looks, it will not be big enough. Someone is going to have to keep their shit in another room, or accept 30% of their allotted space. And yes, I DO need all of those shoes.

5. The Great Debate.
Ok, so you love each other. For better or for worse. Fine. But you are never, ever, ever going to agree on everything. Whether it is how to properly put on a roll of toilet paper (It's always over, by the way. Always.) how to squeeze the toothpaste, fold a hand towel, or load the dishwasher.... there will be at least one thing that you eternally disagree on. You may compromise, but you will never get over it. Your way is the right way, and that's all there is to it.

6. But that was mine!
There will come a time when you find yourself huffing like a pissed off toddler who refuses to share and saying "Stop taking/using my shit!" Regardless of how well you think you hid that box of your favorite cookies, or how many times you point out which razor is yours. I know, I know.... there is no MINE or YOURS. But really... that was MY donut. I was saving it. And that shampoo you used... that was mine too.

7. You'll Never Be Lonely Again.
Living with someone is not always easy. You will bicker over trivial things, you will wonder how someone so adorable can make a room stink so bad, and you will probably day dream about what it would be like to live alone every so often. But you will NEVER be lonely again. Even when you think all you want is alone time, when they aren't there, you will find yourself listening intently for the sound of their key in the door. You will lie next to them at night and know that the bed would just feel so big and empty without them. (something you'll have to remind yourself of when the snoring starts) You will form habits together, and become a real team. You will share things you never expected to share, and you will be all the better for it. THAT is the real truth.

Yoga: A First Timer's Perspective

Last night, I tried yoga.
A couple friends of mine invited me to try out a class with them, and since they had a $5 coupon for me to use, I could hardly say no. I mean, I spend more than that at Taco Bell, so I figured what the hell.
I asked what attire I should wear, and since you all know how I feel about yoga pants, I was hoping to avoid that descent into the wardrobe from hell. I was told "Something tight. Shorts are good too."
Here's the thing... I'm almost 35. I gave up shorts and most tight fitting garments like 7 years ago. I literally had nothing to wear. So I made a quick trip to the store, and after trying on nearly every other possible option, I left with a pair of dreaded yoga pants. I kid you not, I died a little inside as I was ringing them up. I didn't get the lifting, sucking, tucking, look at my ass kind either. I'm cheap. I bought the least expensive ones they had. After trying them on, I realized there was also no way to wear them without having a super obvious panty line. Since I'm not a yoga pants expert, I texted my friend, Vanessa, who is, and asked what the underskivvy situation was with them. She said most people go commando, but she proudly rocks the panty line. Since V is the most fashionable person I know, I opted to follow in her panty line footsteps. I also assumed an extra layer would help me avoid the evil camel toe.
Once the wardrobe situation was handled, I moved on to my other concern, which was my undeniable lack of flexibility. Yoga is all about stretching and bending, both of which I max out just getting out of bed. But I was again told not to worry. That you don't have to be flexible to benefit. Ok, if you say so...
Class time arrives.
I'm decked out in yoga pants, sports bra, and tank top. At this point, I'm also wishing I had invested in those fake glasses with the mustache attached, because I can barely believe I left the house in that.
We go in, sign up, and I rent a mat. We proceed into a darkened room, with what I assume they think is relaxing, peaceful music playing, but all I hear is a hippie drum circle, and I'm half expecting someone to pass a pipe or a tray of brownies. No one did. That was a letdown...
We get situated, and quietly giggle amongst ourselves. Other people are stretching, and looking like they know what to do. I address my final, last minute concerns with my friends, who once again convince me all will be well.
Class begins...
Nary 3.5 seconds into class, she starts using some weird foreign language/speaking in tongues. Apparently they are names for poses and whatnot, but damned if I knew. So I did the 'peek around and see what everyone else is doing' move. Note to self: get a yoga translator before you go again.
But I figured it out, and managed to follow along pretty well. (There were no mirrors, so I could convince myself that I looked as fluent and graceful as everyone else.)
I stretched as far as my candy and goldfish cracker filled body would stretch. I didn't reach my toes. I've NEVER been able to reach my toes. As far as I'm concerned, my toes are on another planet. But reach for them I did. And I breathed. I bent my body into positions that I wouldn't even attempt naked and with my hubs.
I spent a great deal of time with my ass high in the air, silently begging my body not to relax too much and rip one directly into my buddy's face. (It was brought to my attention prior to class that this is something that happens to some people. I very badly did NOT want to be one of those people.)
I also spent a great deal of time with my face buried into my own cleavage. And while that sounds delightful, it makes deep breathing a tad challenging. But I managed to deal. So I bent, and I stretched, and I breathed. And I sweat. A lot. I'd like to say it was from the yoga, but it was more than likely because we were doing yoga in a sauna. Seriously... are fans and A/C against the yoga religion?? Your hippie music and soft lighting are great, but the fact that I had to repeatedly pull my yoga pants out of my sweaty ass and do camel toe checks made relaxing nearly impossible. It also turned my yoga mat into a sweaty slip and slide, which made balancing on one foot, whilst turned at a 90 degree angle a bit tricky at times.
But... I did it. I finished the class. I didn't fall on my ass, and I didn't feel like a complete and total fool. That alone made it feel like quite the achievement.
Would I go again? Yes. But probably not there. It was a good class, and the instructor was great, but I'm gonna look for a place with air conditioning, or at the very least, an open window.
Besides, I own yoga pants now... I'm obligated to use them.
So if you're interested in trying out yoga, I strongly suggest you do it. Based on how my body feels today, I can tell you that it REALLY works. And if my old, non flexible ass can do it, truly ANYONE can. Go with an open mind, and a sense of humor, and you'll do great. Also... skipping the burrito beforehand might be a good idea as well. ;) Namaste.

True story.

Real Talk: Be Yourself

Hipster. Tomboy. Princess. Nerd. These are all labels. Labels that people insist on using to try to narrow down individuals, and fit them into some predesigned category. Why? What if I want to be a princess AND a tomboy? I don't like labels. I don't like the idea of taking a whole person, and expecting one word to totally describe them. You know what one word I'd use to describe myself? Me. Yup, that's it. I'm not just one thing. I'm a plethora of things. It depends on my mood, and the day, what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. At any given time, you could find me cleaning the toilet whilst wearing a sparkly tiara, or riding shotgun in a rally car, sporting a helmet with a pink shocker sticker on it. I could be in heels or cowboy boots. There could be dirt or grease under my pretty manicure. I could be quietly reading in the corner, or laughing it up with the life of the party. I'm not just one thing, so quit trying to label me that way.
And my friends are just as diverse. Because I don't choose friends based on any one characteristic. Their religion, race, sex, hobbies, and clothing choices are merely parts of who they are. If you treat me with kindness, respect, and make me laugh... chances are, we're going to be friends.
Humans are so quick to judge, that they struggle to get past appearances. If you don't look a certain way, you must not BE a certain way. And if we do make it past the outer package, we tend to get hung up on bits & pieces of a person's makeup. We focus on one single part of who they are, and never move beyond that. We want to lump everyone into categories, so that it's easier for us to decide who we want to surround ourselves with. Like shopping for relationships in a supermarket.
What would happen if you were blindfolded, and locked in a room with 10 people and forced to actually get to know them? I bet you'd be amazed at what you discovered.
I'm so tired of hearing things like "All gay people are..." or "All Christians are..." or "All Democrats are..." and so on and so on. You know what ALL gay people are? Gay. That's it. People cannot be solely defined by one single characteristic. How you could choose to like or dislike someone based on only one thing is insane to me. People are made up of an endless variety of attributes. To try to force all of those things into one boring label makes about as much sense as trying to milk a rock.
And for all those lost souls out there trying so hard to FIT into one of those boring labels... STOP IT! Don't be ashamed of being all the weird and wonderful things you are. Don't let someone else's idea of "cool" or "uncool" define you. You know what's truly cool? Being yourself, and being proud of it. If you're a rockstar who enjoys Star Wars, or a tomboy who secretly wears glitter toenail polish... own it. Don't be ashamed to step out of the label that you've been placed in. And if the world is so hell bent on putting you in a single category... create your own. As for me... I'm going with RedneckPrincessGeekUnicorn. I think that just about covers it. ;)

 

(Just a few of my many colorful sides.)

Real Talk: Guy Time

Since I already talked to the ladies, I think it's time I had a little chat with the fellas, too. Being a female, I like to think I have some idea of what women are looking for. Although, as you already know, some bitches be crazy. So for the sake of argument, let's just say this is a general list of things *most* gals prefer to see in a man. 

1. Don't be an idiot.
If you want to be a complete jackass when you are hanging with your boys, feel free. But if you want to get/keep a decent woman, keep your idiotic behavior to a controlled level. This includes: out of hand drinking, childish activities, foul language, etc. If you think it might annoy her, it probably will. So don't do it. 
2. Hygiene is a must.
Women want a man who looks and smells clean. Not someone who looks and smells like they just rolled out of a dumpster. Take regular showers. Use good smelling products while you're in there. Deodorant isn't just for special occasions. Use it every day. Check your finger and toe nails. Do you look like you are ready to dig your way to China? Gross. Cut them. While we're on the subject, buy a nail brush and scrub underneath them. We can assume where your hands have been, we don't need proof. Do your laundry often. Unless you are working on your car or fixing something, there is no excuse to be rocking stained and dirty clothes. You don't look cool, you look homeless. Brush your teeth at least twice a day. If you had a coney with extra onions for lunch, brush again. And gargle. Oh, and flossing isn't just something the dentist can do. Buy some and use it. Invest in good cologne. A nice smelling man is sexier. Period. But don't overdue it. A little goes a long way. 
3. Hair dos and don'ts.
If you use hair products, I beg of you, don't get carried away. A woman wants to be able to touch your hair, and maybe run her fingers through it. Not get stuck in it. We also don't want to feel like it took you longer to get ready than us. So keep it simple. Keep your facial hair trimmed and nice looking. I know giant beards are all the rage now, and while *some* gals may like that, most of us prefer a minimal amount of facial hair. We don't want to guess at what you look like underneath the fur mask. Trim your nose and ear hairs. They make these great little tools for it and it takes seconds. If I can't focus on what you're saying because I am watching your nose hairs dance around, we're going to have a problem. Look in the mirror. If you can see them, so can everyone else. Snip, snip. Now fellas... if you are blessed with the body hair of a gorilla, don't fret. Not all women want their men as smooth and hairless as a newborn. BUT... we also don't want to date Cousin Itt. Invest in an electric trimmer. They come with all sorts of attachments and guards that can be used to maintain a clean look. When I said before, that women like to run their fingers through your hair, I wasn't talking about the hair on your back. So, keep it manscaped. And when in doubt, there's always waxing. Ask your mother for the number to her salon, and let them help you out. 
4. Expectations.
I said it to the ladies, and I'll say it to you guys. If you want the perfect girl, you better be the perfect guy. Unless you look like Channing Tatum, don't expect her to look like a Victoria's Secret model. Real women come in all shapes and sizes, and aren't airbrushed to perfection. The sooner you accept this, the better off you'll be. Also, don't expect a woman to think and act like you. Odds are, she won't. Women are different than men. Period. It is a scientific fact that male and female brains work differently. You may not always understand her, so just be patient and kind. A hug goes a long way sometimes. 
5. Helpful hints.
Here are a few secrets to help you guys out. Women are really not that complicated. If you want to understand her, listen to her. Pay attention to what she says and how she says it. Watch her body language. *Most* women crave attention. Compliment her. You don't have to lavish her with gifts, but please try to remember her birthday and your anniversary at the very least. Treat her with respect. BE HONEST. I cannot stress this enough. Right from the get go, always be honest. No woman wants to find out 3 years into a relationship that you're anti marriage and kids. 

Now guys, these are by no means the only rules you should follow, but they are a good baseline for finding and keeping a quality woman. And if you are ever in doubt, feel free to ask us, we love to tell you what we want. ;)

Yes, this is a photo of bacon. If you treat a woman right, she might just make you some.