Why I Don't Wear White

It is hot outside today. But since I refuse to turn on the air yet, I am staying cool by wearing as little as possible. Inside the comfort (and privacy) of my own home, of course. So whilst looking for something cool and comfy to wear, I spotted this adorable sundress in my closet. It is soft thin cotton and 100% white. Seriously, who makes this shit? Yes, it's cute. Very cute, in fact. But I have never worn it outside my home. Why, you ask? Did you NOT see where I said it was white? AND thin cotton. Also, it isn't bra friendly. And by that I mean, the top half was made for a flat chested 8 year old. How this qualifies as a women's dress is a mystery. But, I got it for like $1 at a thrift store a million years ago and I refuse to part with it. So.. let's rehash: It's thin WHITE cotton and I cannot wear a bra with it. So clearly this falls into the category of pajamas and cannot be worn in public. But it is freakishly comfortable, and very cool. 
I did all my chores this morning. Cleaned the house, did the laundry, defrosted dinner... all of it. So my plan for the remainder of the afternoon was to relax and do some reading. Nothing that should make wearing white an issue, right? WRONG! I swear I don't know how it happens, but somehow stains have found me. I don't even know what this spot is! It just appeared out of nowhere and landed on my white dress. I'm clearly not leaving the house, so this isn't a serious problem or anything, but it is why I don't buy or wear a lot (or any) white things. Wearing white is just asking to fall into a pile of dog shit or be sneezed on by a llama. If I were to wear white pants, I would surely start my period immediately. Wearing a white top means I will stumble into a pool or giant puddle. In front of a preschool. And end up on the sex offenders list for public indecency. That's just the way it goes with white. 
So why did I buy this white dress that I clearly knew was a mistake and could never wear in public?? Because it's CUTE! I LOVE the look of white. It sucks you in with it's cleanness. It screams "Look at me! I'm so clean and pretty! You know you want to wear me!" and I DO! Until I wear it. Then I remember why it's the devil. It's only clean while it's on the hanger. The second you put it on, it becomes a magnet for every piece of dirt, snot, body fluid and filth the universe can throw at it. I firmly believe that wearing white is just cocky. It's like taunting karma. Whomever decided that wedding gowns should be white, clearly had a sick sense of humor. Oh, the most important day of a woman's life and the most stressful, let's put her in something ridiculously expensive and white! That'll teach her! You ever own a pair of pretty white tennis shoes? Yeah, for 35 seconds!! Until I realized I needed to walk! {insert pile of dog crap here} 
White is evil. I know we equate goodness and light with white and fear and darkness with black, but I think we have it all wrong. Black is slimming, and hides most stains. Unless you have a white cat or dog, then you're screwed. But clearly another example of why white is bad. 
So I guess my point here (yes, I DO have a point) is that no matter how cute it is, and no matter how good the commercials and magazine photos make it look, white is not my color. Well... it IS my color. In a sense. I mean my skin is glaring white and all. And not the good, porcelain, classy white, either. More like a glow in the dark, lots of freckles, blotchy mess white. So I am making a vow right now, for all of you to witness. NO MORE WHITE!! No matter how cute, and how cheap, I shall not buy it. 
Even though I love this dress, and if I could wear a bra with it, I *might* just wear it outside. 
Shit! Is that another spot??!