Real Love Is...

Do you remember the old Love Is... comics? With the little black & white images of a naked little boy and girl telling us what love is about? 
To this day, there's always someone with their favorite ones stuck on the fridge. Personally, they always creeped me out. I mean, why are they always naked? And who decided that it would be better if the images looked like toddlers? It's just weird. Not to mention the complete and utter lack of reality in them. They were the comic equivalent of a cheesy romance novel. 
So today, I've decided to share my own version of what I think love is. I shall call it Real Love Is... 

Real Love Is.... Not smothering them in their sleep after 8 hours of listening to them snore. 

Real Love Is... Putting up with their terrible dishwasher loading skills. 

Real Love Is... Bringing them a towel after sex. 

Real Love Is... Not having to cover up the sound of a fart. 

Real Love Is... Peeing with the door open. 

Real Love Is... Buying her tampons. 

Real Love Is... Morning breath kisses.

Real Love Is... Sex with your socks on.

Real Love Is... Letting her be the big spoon.

Real Love Is... Talking about your poop.

Real Love Is... Popping each other's pimples. 

Real Love Is... Surprise NERF attacks.

Real Love Is... Giving them your last pink Starburst. 

Real Love Is... A high five after good sex.

Real Love Is... Random ass smacks & boob grabs.

Real Love Is... Messy, imperfect, and a constant work in progress.
But Real Love Is... Worth it. 

Single? Read This.

I have a lot of single friends. And I often see and hear them complain about how hard it is to be single, especially the females. Then I look around at my single male friends and I'm utterly confused. Without even trying, I can think of at least 8-10 guys that I know right now who are incredible catches.
Good looking, hard working, independent, funny, smart, etc. To be honest, if I was single, I'd date them, and I'd date them hard. So why are they still single? Mostly because women are a pain in the ass. Yeah, yeah... bring on the hate. But it's true, and we all know it. Most females (no, not all) are nearly impossible to please. They say they want certain things in a partner, yet they consistently turn away men with those exact things. Why? Because women want what they can't have. If a guy has a good job, hobbies, and a decent social life, a girl will complain he's "too busy" and "doesn't have enough time for her". So they choose to date some unemployed shlub who lives in his parent's house, and then proceed to complain about what a broke ass bum he is. Yeah. Makes perfect sense. (Insert major eye roll here.)
I hear single women all the time reciting these lists of demands that they expect from a man, and I want to laugh. Are you making this man in a laboratory? If not, you better get a clue. You don't get to hand pick the perfect, flawless individual. Odds are, even if that person did exist, you'd hate them for being too perfect anyway. Finding someone to share your life with isn't about checking off a list of demands. It's about being open to a connection. It's about getting to know someone on a deeper level. If you are constantly looking for Channing Tatum to walk through the door, you are missing out on a plethora of pretty great guys. Yes, attraction IS important, but attraction can be found in many ways. You know that guy at the office, who seems kinda dorky, until you get to know him, then you find yourself suddenly attracted to him? Yeah, that happens. But not if you never bother to get to know someone.
And ladies... knock it off with this "he better treat me like a queen" bullshit. You know who gets treated like a queen? The fucking queen. That's it. The rest of us are responsible for cleaning our own toilets, going to work, and being responsible for ourselves. If a man holds doors for you, treats you to dinner, or buys you gifts.... be grateful. That is not an obligation, that is him being incredibly kind, and you better freaking return the favor.
Women need to stop living in fairytale land. You are not Cinderella, and he is not Prince Charming. If you want a good, healthy, happy relationship that will stand the test of time, start being realistic. Stop putting every decent guy in "the friend zone" as though they aren't good enough to date you. Stop blaming every guy for some loser's bad behavior. Get over it, and move on. He isn't your ex, so he shouldn't be punished for the last guy's mistakes. And if you keep repeatedly dating assholes... maybe the problem is you, drama queen.
Good men are out there. And odds are, you know several. But you've dismissed them because they don't fit some romantic comedy, Disney princess world you think you live in. So if you're sick of being single... then stop being stupid. Open your eyes, and pay attention. That super nice guy who always makes you laugh, listens to you bitch about men, and knows all your favorite things.... maybe he should be more than just your Plan B.

*Disclaimer: Before you insist on telling me how wrong I am... Save yourself the mental anguish. I'm sure you are a perfectly lovely young woman, and the only reason you are single is because A) all men are jerks B) you choose to be C) you are focusing on your career/children/self or D) all of the above.

My Unsolicited Advice Part 1: Fashion

Hi, my name is Teena, and I like to share my opinions with others. Some people require buckets of alcohol to be filter-less, but not me. I'm just naturally outspoken. It's a gift, really. On my resume, brutal honesty should be listed as a skill. It's not, but I'm considering adding it. But I digress....
Surprisingly enough, for as often as I don't keep my trap shut, I really do bite my tongue A LOT. It's true. Why do I do this? Well for starters, there really is a time and place, and though I may not be known for it, I do actually have tact. So sometimes, I just smile and grit my teeth. All the while secretly hoping that someone else is less tactful. Or drunk. But then it dawned on me.... I HAVE A BLOG. So while I may be expected to occasionally zip my lips, I can always write whatever the hell I want. So today, my friends, I am going to get some things off my chest that I would normally keep to myself. Because, well... I can.
Today, I'd like to start with fashion. Now, let it be known, that I am no expert in this field. I wear what I like, and what is comfortable. That being said, there are some basic dos and don'ts. Here are a few:
1. Don't wear Crocs. I mean seriously... are you avidly avoiding sex? Did you just come from cleaning up a crime scene? Do you have flippers where you should have feet? Crocs are the herpes of footwear, and they should be avoided at all costs. Personally, I'd walk bare foot over broken glass and fire before I put them on my feet.
2. Tights are for UNDER something. A long sweater dress, a pretty skirt, etc. They are not pants. And while I'm on the subject, let's go easy on the leggings, gals. I don't want to see your camel toe. NO ONE wants to see your camel toe. There is a proper way to wear leggings, and I hate to say this, but 85% of you ladies are doing it wrong.
3. Skinny jeans are for ladies. Period. There is no exception. If you fellas like to wear your denim a bit more snug, more power to ya, but if you require Crisco and an extra set of hands to get into it... No. Just no. And also... just like the name suggests, skinny jeans really are for the skinny. There is nothing wrong with curves, but wrapping them in something much too tight is not flattering.
4. Why, hipsters, why? We get it, you're artsy, edgy, non mainstream, and you were all those things BEFORE it was cool. But do you have to look so douchey? Wool caps & scarves are for winter. And stop giving glasses a bad name. I wear glasses because without them, I can't see. You asshats wear them for no reason, and now suddenly all of us visually challenged folks are being lumped in with you, and it's pissing me off. Now go drink your PBR in a dark corner somewhere, and bitch about society.
5. Can we all just agree to stop wearing Ed Hardy, Tap Out, and Affliction shirts? It just makes you look like a tool.
6. Yoga pants are for yoga. Shocking, I know. Apparently putting the name in the title wasn't informative enough. So let me just make sure this is clear. YOGA PANTS ARE FOR YOGA. Did you get it that time? Unless you are on your way to, currently practicing, or immediately coming from yoga... change your damn pants. I don't care how good they make your ass look. If you are actually doing yoga that much, your ass should look that great in anything.
7. Pajamas and sweats are not acceptable in public. It takes no more effort to put on real clothes. You want to know why you're single, no one will hire you, and people treat you like shit? Because you look like a mess. If you want to be taken seriously, start with how you present yourself to the world. You want people to respect you? Respect yourself enough to not look like a lazy piece of trash. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, and put on real pants.
8. Hey gangsta... pull your pants up. First of all, it's hardly practical to run from the police while holding up your drawers. Second, the only place it's ok to bust a sag that big, is in the bathroom. You don't have swagger, you just look like an idiot.
9. If you can't walk in heels that high, don't wear heels that high. Or practice first, so you don't look like you have a broomstick up your ass. They're shoes, it's not a tightrope act. If you struggle that much to keep your balance, you're doing it wrong. And don't feel too bad if you can't walk in the stilettos, because, let's be honest... they were made to wear whilst lying down anywho.
10. If you think it's too tight, short, low cut, or inappropriate, it probably is. Now don't get me wrong, I like a deep V as much as the next gal, but maybe wearing it to volunteer (bent over) with children all day isn't the best idea. And while that micro mini and stripper shoes are perfect for a night at the club, they probably aren't suitable for a job interview. Ya get me?

Well... that is my unsolicited advice for today. You're welcome.

Let's Be Honest...

Today I want to talk about honesty. Do you consider yourself an honest person? Most of us would probably say yes. But are you, really? And I don't mean honest about whether or not your friend looks fat in the jeans, or if your mother-in-law's pie really WAS the best you've ever tasted. I'm talking about genuine honesty. With yourself and the way you live your life. 
There is an epidemic out there of people living false lives. We say one thing, but do another. I see this everyday, and I'm sure in some ways, I myself am guilty of it. Here are a few common examples:
*The "But I am a Christian" lie. This lie is a big one. It allows people to walk around with a self righteous attitude while doing nothing but sitting in judgement of others. You say "only God can judge" but you don't really mean it. You think that because you believe in him, and maybe go to church regularly, that this somehow gives you the freedom to point out the flaws in others, and put yourself on a pedestal. These same people will use the Bible and religious quotes to shame others, or to try and make excuses for bigotry. The Bible is filled with quotes, and depending on the interpretation, anything could be viewed as sinful. So how about from now on, if you want to hate someone for their beliefs, or judge someone based on their life choices, you do it honestly. Say you don't like it, because it makes you uncomfortable. Own your hatred and judgement, instead of trying to use God or religion as your scapegoat. 
*The "This is my life" lie. You know the ones. They make mistake after mistake in their lives, and refuse to acknowledge it. The excuses for bad decisions come in many forms, but never honesty. They are quick to point out what they view as "errors" in others, but are blind to the mess they've made of their own life. They think the world owes them a favor, and can't wait to blame someone else for the terrible choices they repeatedly make. They think nothing through and then expect others to clean up their messes when "their life" doesn't go the way they want it to. 
*The "I want a family" lie. This one is very common. Most people think that you have to follow some life timeline. Get married, have kids, buy a house, get a dog, etc, etc, etc. So they do it. But they only do it half ass. Or they do it without being honest about what the choices really entail. Having a family isn't just making babies with someone. It isn't playing house for one weekend a month. It is a full time, endless job. To say that you want a family, or that you want to be a parent is a HUGE decision. It may mean you sacrifice a career, or don't get the car you always wanted. It might mean changing jobs or shifts, so that you can go to kids games, or eat dinner together. There is nothing wrong with saying that a family doesn't fit into your life. That is an honest and real feeling. Or maybe you just aren't ready yet. That's ok. If more people were truly honest with themselves BEFORE they jumped into life changing decisions, the world would be a better place. 
*The "I can afford that" lie. Most of us live above our means. By a lot. Just look at the economy if you don't believe me. Credit cards, loans, etc are just ways to pay for things that we can't afford. Now maybe you can afford it later, but just needed the help up front. Ok fine. But that isn't the case for most people. Most people get credit cards to buy things they don't really need, and can't afford, but want anyway. And then they pay the minimum payment each month, and wonder why they can't seem to get out of debt. People buy houses and cars and only look at the monthly payment and think "I can afford that." but don't consider how they will pay for the inevitable costly repairs and extras that come along with those items. A house is great, until the roof leaks, the lawnmower breaks, the furnace stops working, etc. You still have to pay for the house, but now you have to pay to fix those things also. Was that worked into your budget plan when you bought it? And cars don't run for free. There's gas, insurance, tires, oil changes, maintenance and repairs and more. How many people add those costs in when they buy one? Not many. Budgeting and money management are things that should be taught in school, to everyone. Too many people spend without thinking, or only look at a bottom line, and not the big picture. 
*The "I'm busy" lie. I've talked about this before, and it is a very common problem. We are too quick to say "I'm too busy for that" when in reality we just aren't managing our time well. Or worse, we keep adding things to our to do list, that we don't REALLY need to do, while not making time for things we SHOULD be doing. Sit down and make a time budget for yourself. Put the hours from the time you wake up, til the time you go to sleep, and write down exactly what you do with them. I think you'd be surprised just how much "extra" you really have. No time to exercise? What about that 2 hour TV watching block? If we are genuinely honest with ourselves, we probably waste more time than we realize. Or if we planned things out a little better, could make more time. 
I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. No matter how honest you think you are, chances are you could be even more honest, especially with yourself. There are very few of us who don't fall into AT LEAST one of these categories. And that doesn't make us bad people, it just means we have room for improvement. We are human after all. But in order to correct ourselves, we have to first BE HONEST...

Why I Don't Wear White

It is hot outside today. But since I refuse to turn on the air yet, I am staying cool by wearing as little as possible. Inside the comfort (and privacy) of my own home, of course. So whilst looking for something cool and comfy to wear, I spotted this adorable sundress in my closet. It is soft thin cotton and 100% white. Seriously, who makes this shit? Yes, it's cute. Very cute, in fact. But I have never worn it outside my home. Why, you ask? Did you NOT see where I said it was white? AND thin cotton. Also, it isn't bra friendly. And by that I mean, the top half was made for a flat chested 8 year old. How this qualifies as a women's dress is a mystery. But, I got it for like $1 at a thrift store a million years ago and I refuse to part with it. So.. let's rehash: It's thin WHITE cotton and I cannot wear a bra with it. So clearly this falls into the category of pajamas and cannot be worn in public. But it is freakishly comfortable, and very cool. 
I did all my chores this morning. Cleaned the house, did the laundry, defrosted dinner... all of it. So my plan for the remainder of the afternoon was to relax and do some reading. Nothing that should make wearing white an issue, right? WRONG! I swear I don't know how it happens, but somehow stains have found me. I don't even know what this spot is! It just appeared out of nowhere and landed on my white dress. I'm clearly not leaving the house, so this isn't a serious problem or anything, but it is why I don't buy or wear a lot (or any) white things. Wearing white is just asking to fall into a pile of dog shit or be sneezed on by a llama. If I were to wear white pants, I would surely start my period immediately. Wearing a white top means I will stumble into a pool or giant puddle. In front of a preschool. And end up on the sex offenders list for public indecency. That's just the way it goes with white. 
So why did I buy this white dress that I clearly knew was a mistake and could never wear in public?? Because it's CUTE! I LOVE the look of white. It sucks you in with it's cleanness. It screams "Look at me! I'm so clean and pretty! You know you want to wear me!" and I DO! Until I wear it. Then I remember why it's the devil. It's only clean while it's on the hanger. The second you put it on, it becomes a magnet for every piece of dirt, snot, body fluid and filth the universe can throw at it. I firmly believe that wearing white is just cocky. It's like taunting karma. Whomever decided that wedding gowns should be white, clearly had a sick sense of humor. Oh, the most important day of a woman's life and the most stressful, let's put her in something ridiculously expensive and white! That'll teach her! You ever own a pair of pretty white tennis shoes? Yeah, for 35 seconds!! Until I realized I needed to walk! {insert pile of dog crap here} 
White is evil. I know we equate goodness and light with white and fear and darkness with black, but I think we have it all wrong. Black is slimming, and hides most stains. Unless you have a white cat or dog, then you're screwed. But clearly another example of why white is bad. 
So I guess my point here (yes, I DO have a point) is that no matter how cute it is, and no matter how good the commercials and magazine photos make it look, white is not my color. Well... it IS my color. In a sense. I mean my skin is glaring white and all. And not the good, porcelain, classy white, either. More like a glow in the dark, lots of freckles, blotchy mess white. So I am making a vow right now, for all of you to witness. NO MORE WHITE!! No matter how cute, and how cheap, I shall not buy it. 
Even though I love this dress, and if I could wear a bra with it, I *might* just wear it outside. 
Shit! Is that another spot??! 

Tattoos and Opinions

I am amazed at how often I see and hear people make remarks about tattoos. I have had strangers approach me and compliment mine, but I've also had them tell me why I shouldn't have them, how I've ruined my body, or that I'm going to Hell. My general response to any and all comments is a simple thank you. Thank you for the compliment, and thank you for your unsolicited opinion. It works for both. 
I love the compliments. Who doesn't love a nice compliment, right? But the rest just blows my mind. Whatever happened to the "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." approach that we learned as children? Does this not apply as adults? Or maybe just not for body art. I've rarely had a stranger tell me they didn't like my shoes. And if they thought my blouse didn't match my pants, they managed to keep that to themselves. So what is it about tattoos (and piercings) that people just can't keep their mouths shut? 
I certainly wish I knew. Even before I got my first one, I've always found them beautiful. Of course there are some I don't care for. It's art. And art is subjective. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the time, talent and possibly pain that went into creating it. And just like with any art, there are artists who are more gifted than others. I love my nephews drawings, and I'll hang them on my fridge, but I'd rather not adorn my body with them. Some tattoos are terrible. I think we can all agree on that. And yes, some people should spend more time thinking about what they get and where. But as with any personal style, it is just that. Personal. One man's trash is another man's treasure. The same is true with tattoos. What may look like nothing to you, could be that person's memorial tribute to a loved one. Or hold private & sentimental meaning. 
So why do people feel compelled to share their negative feelings on them? Would you walk up to someone who's had plastic surgery and tell them it looks awful and they shouldn't have done that to themselves? Or approach a stranger at the library and tell them their children are very unattractive? No. Those things are considered rude. So why is it not considered rude to do the same to someone with tattoos? 
When you see someone post a pic of their new car, and you don't care for it, do you tell them that? Or do you just say nothing? You probably just say nothing. And when your friend has a baby, and gets stretch marks, do you tell her she has ruined her body? No, you don't. So why would you tell someone with tattoos that? 
Let me just clear the air on something that people who say things about tattooed folks maybe don't know. We know they are permanent. That's kind of the idea. We also know that it changes the way our body looks. So does gaining/losing weight, having a baby, plastic surgery, etc. But people still continue to do those things. We also understand that not everyone will appreciate the art that we choose. But let me share a little secret with you... we don't care. Tattoos are a very personal thing, and they certainly aren't for everyone. But to imply that a body cannot be beautiful with tattoos is like saying the Louvre was better before they added the Mona Lisa. Maybe the architect thought so, but most people would disagree. Times have changed. People are finding new and creative ways to express themselves and their personal style. Tattoos are a part of that. They are a way to carry your thoughts, feelings, memories and more, with you all the time. And like it or not, they ARE art. And yes, someday they may fade and wrinkle. But there are cracks in the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and that is still an unbelievable  masterpiece. 
So the next time you see someone with a tattoo, and want to make a negative remark, keep in mind that what you say isn't going to change the way they feel about it. It is only going to make you look judgmental and rude. 

Truth & Lies

From the time we are small, we are told how important it is to tell the truth. How even "little white lies" can lead to bigger and bigger lies, and how these lies can snowball and get out of control. In church we are taught the value and importance of honesty and integrity, and how telling the truth, even if no one believes it, is the most important thing. That all anyone has is their honor, and that the honorable thing to do, is to stand up for what you believe in, and to always hold the truth above all else.
Then at some point in your childhood, you tell a teacher or a parent what someone said or did, just being honest, and you are called a tattle-tale. Then you get even older and you see someone doing something they shouldn't, at your job for example, and you share that information with a boss, and you are called a whistle-blower or a snitch. And let's not forget the time you tell a friend or partner that yes, those jeans do make you look fat, and you are called mean or cruel.
So, are we saying that some lies and dishonesties are ok? Or that the truth is only important when it is convenient or benefits us? Don't get me wrong, we've all fibbed, or withheld little things to protect a person's feelings, or to help ease a situation. But what if those fibs or withholdings aren't protecting anyone? What if those are the very things that someone should hear? What if knowing that tiny bit of information would change the very nature of someone's beliefs or feelings? Is it still ok? How do you know when it is OK to lie? Or when it is OK to tell the truth, for that matter? Is there some rule book, or manual for knowing when to be honest? Because if such a thing does exsist, I think we need to start passing out copies for everyone to read. But since this is my blog, I am going to answer my own question the best way I know how.
It is NEVER OK to lie. Yes, some lies are necessary or even temporarily beneficial, but they are never good. Even the smallest lie can come back and bite you in the ass. Honesty is, and always will be, the BEST policy. It may cost you a job, a friendship, or even your heart & soul, but it will always be the right decision. Because, at the end of the day, the truth will win out, and integrity will stand. It may take days, or weeks, or even years, but eventually, all lies disintegrate and the only thing that remains is the truth. So you just have to decide what side you want to be standing on when it is all said and done.

"Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologize for being correct, or for being years ahead of your time. If you're right and you know it, speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth."
- -Gandhi