Teena's Truths: Life Advice You Can Count On

You know those inspirational posters that you see in offices and schools? The ones with the cat hanging from the tree that says "Just Hang In There" or the captivating image of a man atop a great mountain that simply says "Determination". Yeah well, these aren't those. These are real life nuggets of wisdom, learned the hard way. No flowery, cutesy, awe inspiring imagery. No scrolly, swirly fonts. Just golden gems of truth. Ponder them. Memorize them.  Share them with your friends. Just remember where you heard them. Don't try to claim them as your own, or I will find you, and slap the ever lovin' crap out of you. This shit is mine. See the title? TEENA'S TRUTHS. I'm Teena. Not you. And don't you forget it.

If you don't believe me, just ask the last people who tried to steal my stuff. Oh that's right, you can't. I blew them up. (Thank you M.Campbell Photography for this kick ass photo.)

Anywho.... without further adieu, here is my unparalleled genius. Enjoy.

"Get up, put on something pretty, slap some extra shiny lip gloss on, and make today count before it's over."

"Having a bad hair day? Just wear a low cut shirt or a high cut skirt, and no one will notice."

"There are very few things that glitter, new shoes, and a good song can't fix. For everything else, there's alcohol."

"Practice makes perfect. But if it doesn't, just try not to fuck it up too bad."

"If he doesn't make you laugh AND orgasm, he's not the one."

"Never judge a man by his car. Unless it's a Camaro. Then it's safe to assume he's a douchebag."

"Always use protection. Sex is better without a screaming baby in the other room."

"There's only so much stupid that good looks and a hot body can make up for. So brush up on current events, and read a book from time to time."

"Work hard, play hard, and fuck hard. Not necessarily in that order."

"Always dress to impress. You never know who you'll be making a first impression on. Plus, no one likes a lazy slob."

"Never be ashamed of being yourself. Be ashamed of being someone else, because they probably aren't as awesome."

"Always wear waterproof mascara. Rain and tears are easier to wipe off than black gunk."

"No one likes a whiner. Man the hell up, or shut the hell up."

"Never underestimate the power of a hot bath or a cold beer."

"If you can't find a good man, invest in some good batteries."

That's it for now. I'm sure your brain probably imploded after the first three anyway. There's only so much brilliance the average mind can handle. But don't fret, there will be more. I am brimming with barely contained cleverness.