Holidays suck. Since losing Zach, I've had absolutely no desire to celebrate any holiday. They just don't feel happy anymore. I thought that Easter would be easier, since he was well grown out of the childish Easter traditions years ago. But as it turns out, that doesn't matter. We still always colored eggs together as a family and had a blast doing so. We'd dye so many eggs, we didn't know what to do with them all. We still colored eggs this year, but it wasn't the same. Nor will it ever be the same again.
We still always bought him a basket of goodies. Though it was more candy and car parts and less games and toys. But I still loved buying his favorite treats and making up a basket to surprise him with. I didn't get to do that this year. Nor will I ever get to do it again.
The funny thing about holidays after losing your only child is that you not only mourn the present, you grieve for the memories of the past. And you mourn the loss of a future. Dan & I will never take another family Easter photo. We will never have grandchildren or great grandchildren to hide eggs and buy treats for. We will never make new memories with our son. Our holiday & family traditions died with Zachary.
People invite you over to celebrate with them and say things like "It's just a dinner." That couldn't be further from the truth. Every act is a reminder that our lives are forever changed. Every smiling photo is one that he isn't in. Every get together is one that he should be a part of, and isn't. And never will be again.
Holidays suck. And we still have some of the biggest ones ahead of us. Surviving the loss of a child is... well, there are no words to describe it. Painful, awful, never ending and heart breaking aren't nearly adequate.
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