There's Some Weird Shit Out There, People

A few months ago, I fell down the interwebs rabbit hole, and stumbled upon something that my brain can not only not forget, but it keeps me awake at night with questions and concerns. This thing that haunts my thoughts and makes me question reality is.... Menstrual Cups.
Yes, you read that correctly. Menstrual Cups. If you aren't familiar with these (and I pray you are not) you may be wondering what exactly they are. Well I can assure you that they are not extra large cups meant to hold the adult beverage of your choice whilst you suffer through your menzzies. Nay. They are something awful. Something so bizarre and unnatural that your normal mind could never fathom it. They are little cups that you insert inside your nethers to catch your monthly flow. Let me wait, while you go reread that a few times. No really, I'll be over here humming a tune while you go through the long process of acceptance and understanding....

*****Some time later*****

I assume by now that you've Googled it, to confirm that this is not just something my fantastical mind dreamed up, but in fact something that exists, and is presumably in the medicine cabinets and bathroom drawers, of female hippies the world over.

If you are like me, you simply cannot understand why anyone would want to use something so medieval, and you also have a plethora of hows and whys just rolling around in your head. But first things first, if you did not do an immediate internet search, let me share with you exactly what we are dealing with.

This is what a menstrual cup is. And before you ask me why I have this, let me just assuage your fears and tell you that I do not use these. They were given to me to use for this purpose. Now apparently there are several different brands/styles of the cup, but this should give you an idea at least. This is a disposable kind, but there are some that are reusable as well. Yes, I said reusable. As in, you wash them out and use them over and over and over. (insert gagging sound here)

Ok, so first things first... This bad boy was NOT soft. It was like a harder version of those silicone bracelets that everyone wears to support cancer research. And just about the same size. Sounds exactly like something you want to shove up your who-ha, right? (That was sarcasm, in case you were wondering.)

So let's just assume you see this infomercial, and you think to yourself "Hey, I'd like to try that." so you place your order, and a few days later, you're sitting in your yurt reading the directions. This is what you will see:





"Wash your hands and relax." Relax?? You are about to shove a rubber bracelet with a sandwich bag glued to it up your girlie bits, so you should obviously be in a place of Zen already. But if not... yes please, do relax.

The rest of the directions are just as helpful, by the way. Including this little tidbit:

"can lead to spillage." SPILLAGE!!! What the fuck??! Because clearly, someone thought the process of changing a pad or tampon just wasn't gross and messy enough.

This is where my vivid imagination comes into play. Let me set the scene; you are having a nice afternoon with your mother and grandmother. Enjoying a hot cup of tea and a scone at the local Cafe. When suddenly, you need to use the restroom. You enter the stall to do your business, and find it's time to change your "cup". Because if you are anything like me, that little plastic baggie shot glass isn't going to hold you for long. So you remove said cup, hopefully avoiding any spillage. (That's a difficult stain to explain to Nana when you return to tea.) This cup is obviously not flushable, so you must empty it. And now, just for fun, let's assume you are using the reusable ones, like the good tree hugger you are. You should probably wash it out before re-inserting, right? So now your pants are around your ankles, and you shuffle out of the stall to the sink. After smiling at the elderly lady washing her hands, you proceed to rinse your bloody "cup" out, then shuffle back to your stall. Of course, this is assuming there wasn't a line of women behind you waiting to jump right in it. Because nothing says awkward like going to the back of the line, pants around ankles, clean cup in hand to wait your turn again.

On what planet is this better than using tampons and/or pads? Maybe I'm just not concerned enough about the environment. What's next? Washable toilet paper? I'm sorry, but my inner hippie has to draw the line somewhere.

I still have endless questions about these things, and I still picture multiple scenarios where the use of this torture implement  goes horribly wrong. But I think I've made my point.

There's some weird shit out there, people....