To Marry or Not to Marry...

So, for those of you who know me, you probably know that Dan (my hubs) and I aren't legally married! (Shocking, I know.) 
We've been together for 15 years, and engaged for 14 of those. But we never officially tied the knot. Why? Well... no real reason. We set a date once, and I even bought a dress, but life happened, and it just didn't pan out. I still have the dress, and wouldn't ya know it... it fits me now. (It was previously too big. Thank you, metabolism.) Anywho, we both wear rings, we refer to one another as husband and wife, and we have been happily committed to one another forever. We raised our son together, and for the year we lived in Texas, we were common law. (I'm not sure if we are divorced now or what.) 
But I digress... being legal never really mattered to either of us. We aren't religious, so that wasn't an issue, and we never saw a reason to bring the government (AKA: The Man) into it. But our son (Zachary) always wanted us to do it. Mostly because he thought it would be so much fun. He wanted to help with all of it. Over the years, he and I talked many times about what song we would dance to (we were leaning towards a choreographed routine to "I've Had The Time Of My Life" from Dirty Dancing) what kind of desserts we should have and more. I always planned on making him a big part of his father and I's wedding. After all, it was a joining of more than just the 2 of us. 
Since Zachary's passing, it's become increasingly important to me to make it official. For whatever reason, it meant a lot to him, and I will never forgive myself for not just doing it while he was still here. But I feel obligated to do it now, in his honor. The problem is, weddings aren't cheap, and Dan & I don't often have thousands of extra dollars hiding in our sock drawer. This brings up a serious beef I have.
Why does every company jump to sponsor celebrity events? These people have all the money in the universe, yet they are constantly getting free things. How is that fair? I'd happily allow businesses to sponsor my wedding. Hell, it wouldn't even cost that much. My dream wedding would probably cost less than $5K. I want the ceremony at a lovely park not far from my house, so the main chunk of change would be the reception. And it's not even like I want a ton of people. 150-200 should cover it. (and that's being generous) So I don't get it. Kim Kardashian has a multi million dollar wedding for a marriage that lasts less time than your average bowel movement, but people like Dan & I, who have proved we have a loving, LASTING commitment can't afford a simple wedding. Ridiculous. 
But enough about that... the point is, I feel like it's something we need to do. I want to honor my son, by doing something that he wanted. And I think Dan and I deserve our moment to show our loved ones what we mean to one another. We've certainly been through enough. And yes, we could just go to the courthouse or Vegas and make it legal, but that's never appealed to me. I've been a wife for 15 years, I think it would be nice to be an actual bride for one day. And Zach would've been furious with us if we did that. 
So am I being insane? Should we just continue on the rest of our years together the way we have been? Or should we finally plan to do it right? I mean, who are we kidding, we all know it would be a blast if we did. And... I DO already have the dress...

10 BIG Things I Learned As A Parent

*Disclaimer: I am by no means suggesting I was a perfect parent. Many of these lessons I learned by making several mistakes along the way. But I think they are all things worth sharing.*

1. Be present. We live in a very busy world, and it's easy to get overwhelmed with work, chores, activities and more, but in order to be a truly good parent, you must be there. Choosing to become a parent is a choice to put someone else ahead of yourself. That means that when/if your child needs you, even for something that seems silly to you, you MUST be there. 
2. Listen. When your son or daughter is talking, really listen. This starts from the earliest age. I know hearing a story about a rock or turtle they found doesn't seem nearly as important as finishing dinner, but trust me... IT IS. To a 3 or 4 year old, that is HUGE and they are CHOOSING to share that with you. If you ignore what is important to them at a young age, they will stop sharing important things with you, and you will end up the clueless parent of a teenager. 
3. Be honest. As parents, it's easy to fall into the pattern of sugar coating and half truths, but it's a bad habit. They WILL learn the truth eventually, and they will be much better off it they hear it from you. Also, don't lie about how you were as a child. If you claim to never have made mistakes, you are setting an impossible standard for your children, and that is unfair. They don't need all the details, but you can help them learn through your mistakes. The sooner children learn that parents are not perfect, the sooner they can relate to you. Being honest also creates a bond of trust and respect that is a MUST for a good parent/child relationship. 
4. Teach a love of reading. I cannot stress how important this is. From the earliest age, you should be reading to your kids. And not from phones, computers or tablets. REAL BOOKS. Teach them to appreciate the written word and the joy it can bring. Reading opens up new worlds and experiences, and it is proven to help with math, science, comprehension and writing skills, just to name a few. Books can be a lonely or quiet child's best friend, and they can also be something helpful and calming to an active child. Reading is essential to a well rounded individual. Take young children to libraries and let them choose books that appeal to them. This also teaches them to respect the property of others, by not damaging borrowed books. I could go on for days about the benefits of reading, but just trust me on this one.
5. Teach problem solving. As a parent, it is instinct to want to protect our child and solve all of their problems. But that is detrimental to your child. They NEED to learn to solve problems on their own. They need to deal with conflict, loss, failure, fear, etc in order to ever learn to handle them. Life is not always easy or fun, and the sooner a child understands this, the better equipped they will be to deal with those things as an adult. This does not mean we should let them suffer alone, but it does mean that they will need to suffer from time to time. It will make them stronger, more independent and capable adults. 
6. Say NO. This is another big one. Kids absolutely need to hear you say no. You CANNOT give in to your child all the time. Not only is that beyond spoiling, but it is setting them up for MAJOR disappointment in the real world. You are the boss, you make the rules. If you tell your child no, stick to it. Trust me, this will not always be easy, but it is SO worth it. Saying no teaches patience, respect and acceptance. These are things you want your child to have. 
7. Manners ARE important. In an age where everything is emailed, text or chatted, it's easy to overlook the basic rules of courtesy and respect. But simple things like please and thank you are SO important. Teach your child proper table manners, how to behave in public and at someone else's house, how to take care of their things, how to hold the door for others and how to treat others with kindness. These are so often neglected and we can all see the change in the world. So if you want things to get better, it starts at home. Teach your children manners. 
8. You are the parent, not the friend. If you are worried about being the cool mom or dad, you shouldn't have kids. Kids need parents to set standards, make and enforce rules, offer advice and be supportive. They need to learn how to be responsible, respectful adults by having responsible and respectful adults in their lives. It is not your job to be their buddy. They have plenty of friends. If you do your job right as a parent, when your child grows up, you will have a wonderful relationship with them that is so much more than a friendship. So if your 13 year old hates you right now because you made her change her clothes... that's ok. Someday she'll be grateful for it. Parenting is NOT instant gratification. It is a LONG process, and you may not see all the results/rewards right away, but if you do it well, I promise... you WILL see them. 
9. Have fun. Kids are fun. Plain and simple. Even though parenting can be an overwhelming job at times, it shouldn't always be. Make time for fun with your kids. Dress up and act silly, play games, do arts and crafts, dance to good music and laugh together. Make memories that will last a lifetime. Turn off the TV and computer, put away your phone and go for a bike ride. Or go fishing, camping or to the park. Push your child on the swings, follow them down the slide, race them on the monkey bars. Build Legos together, make Play-Doh food and pretend to eat it, let them braid your hair, have water fights, be silly. Teach your child it's ok to laugh and find the joy in life. Then someday, you can sit back and watch them do it with their kids. 
10. Say I love you. I know it sounds simple, but it is anything but. As a parent, you are going to have to be the bad guy sometimes, you will have to discipline and make tough choices. You will yell, argue and make mistakes. Your kids will get angry with you, they may even hate you a little sometimes. So NEVER EVER hesitate to say I love you. Say it often and mean it. Hug and kiss your children. Even when they get big and find it embarrassing. Do it so often, that even when they are angry with you, they still KNOW you love them. Take it from me, you never know when you won't have the chance to say it again, so make sure they hear it and believe it. 

Sh*t I Say While Driving

We've all been there. Driving down the road in our cars, minding our own business, maybe singing along to Taylor Swift on the radio, (deny it all you want, we know) not a care in the world. Then some douche bag cuts you off, swerves into your lane, rides the brakes, forgets how to merge, etc, etc, etc. The list is endless. People are morons. But I catch myself saying the same things, time and time again. Like a broken record. Or better yet, a road rage playlist. So here today, for your entertainment, is a list of my 25 most popular hits. If you don't already have your own, feel free to borrow them.

*Warning: May contain offensive language.*

1. Hey, Asshole, pick a speed.
2. Oh silly me, I didn't realize you were the only one on the road.
3. Why isn't it legal to play bumper cars?
4. Seriously... HOW did you get a license?
5. For the love of God, get your foot off the brake!
6. Sorry, dick, was 15 over not fast enough for you?!
7. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JUST TURN ALREADY!! 
8. Are we in England? Get in your lane, dumbass.
9. Umm... hello, did you NOT see me??
10. Get off your phone and drive, moron.
11. Holy shit! You're an idiot!
12. MERGE ALREADY!!
13. Nice blinker, jackass.
14. If this douche bag doesn't get off my ass...
15. GET OUT OF THE FAST LANE!!
16. Oh, don't mind me, just drive wherever you want.
17. It's a parking lot, not a race track.
18. Hey, Asshole, learn to drive.
19. OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!!
20. Nice parking job, were you having a stroke?
21. Red means stop, asshat.
22. Were you planning on going anytime today?
23. Yeah, you better wave. I didn't have to let you go.
24. I see every idiot is on the road today.
25. DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

All Kinds of Crazy...

Confession time: I am crazy. Yup, you read that right. Now I don't mean certifiable or straight jacket worthy. I'm talking, more along the lines of eccentric and a little silly at times. I like to think of myself as colorful, if you will. Let me explain...

If you ever come to our home, you will get a first hand view of some of my craziness. For starters, you will notice there are stuffed animals (very select ones, I might add) as throw pillows on our sofa. A giant Curious George and Hello Kitty make great snuggle buddies. There is also an entire bookcase dedicated to Legos. The bright and colorful little building blocks of happiness. There is a Lego pirate ship, complete with an ocean scene, a house I built over 15 years ago, on my hubs and I's first date, TONS of Lego miniature figurines (mini figs, as they are known to collectors) and a very detailed Lego Volkswagen camper bus. Just to name a few. 

I have a large collection of gnomes, also. And if that isn't "crazy" enough, they each have a name and a back story. Yes, a back story. I mean, how boring is a gnome collection if they don't have some fantastic and hilarious story? Exactly. So you see my point. 

I also have a Pillsbury dough boy as a kitchen mascot, artwork that ranges from nudes to a RAD movie poster, a bright orange living/dining room and a lime green bedroom. Are you getting the idea, here? My home reflects my crazy. Keep in mind, I am happily married, so my home reflects my hubs crazy, also. Plus, he IS with me, so his sanity has always been in question. 

Now, there are all kinds of crazy. There's harmful crazy and harmless crazy. There's funny crazy and "RUN! That bitch is CRAZY!" I fully accept and own my level of crazy. I am capable of functioning in the world, and most people would assume I am relatively normal. 

But people who know me well, know that I am different than others. For starters, I am brutally honest. If you ask me for my opinion, you had better be fully capable of dealing with it. I don't sugar coat, and I rarely hold back. I have been known to bite my tongue on occasion, but I loathe doing so. But some situations call for tact, and I do know how to be a lady. I am also incredibly open minded. I try not to judge people that I don't know, and I expect the same in return. This is not to say that I am not guilty of making assumptions from time to time, but I will admit when I'm wrong (though not readily, and not always out loud) and try to make corrections. I am FAR from perfect. My loved ones will be the first to tell you that. But neither are they, which is why I love them. I prefer my friends to be a little on the crazy side, as well. Though not too crazy, of course. I require my friends to have a healthy sense of humor and a reasonable level of intelligence. Open minded and honest are MAJOR bonuses. I have fantastic friends. I truly do. They have been there for me through A LOT, and still have my back. That's how I know they are crazy, too. And that's why I love them. They accept me for me. 

Everyone is crazy. Some more than others. Some hide theirs and some own it. Some good and some bad. There is truly no such thing as normal. Normal varies based on each person's individual crazy scale. So... how crazy are you???

Parents and Kids: My Rant

Maybe it's because I'm grieving the loss of my only child, or maybe I am just getting cantankerous in my old(er) age, but I am finding myself getting more and more irritated with parents today. 
I know so many women who say they wanted nothing more than to be moms, yet I am constantly hearing them complain about their children. You do realize that being a mom means having kids, right?? These women make babies like it's nothing, and then proceed to act as though those same babies are nothing but an inconvenience. I am forever hearing and seeing comments like "I can't get anything done!" or "These kids are driving me insane!" or my absolute favorite "I just need to get away from my kids." Do you realize how that sounds? Especially to someone who no longer has a child, or to women who, no matter how hard they try, cannot have children. It makes me want to slap people. 
Having children is a privilege. And it is one that is denied to many. If you make the choice to bring a child into this world, you damn well better understand what that choice entails. 
It means you are no longer the center of the universe. It means sleepless nights, messy homes, stress and more. It means that you are putting the comfort and happiness of someone else above your own. It means that no matter how shitty you feel, you still have a responsibility to uphold. It means sacrificing some things. If you are not ready and willing to deal with that, then maybe you shouldn't have kids. I am sick and tired of seeing children mistreated by ignorant and selfish women (and men) who had absolutely no right bringing a life into this world. The ABILITY to have a baby does not automatically equal the RIGHT to do so. 
Raising children is a job. Plain and simple. If you are not willing and able to devote that kind of time and energy to it, then don't. Period. 
Children need structure and stability. They need rules and schedules. They need constant love, attention and support. Notice I said CONSTANT. Not occasional. Not just an hour a day. And not just when you feel like it. We wonder why the world is falling apart at the seams, when the answer is plain and simple. Family values have disappeared. Children are growing up without strong support systems. They are being raised by televisions and computers instead of loving parents. They are being overwhelmed by information that they are far from equipped to deal with. Parents no longer take responsibility for their children. They want to blame schools and music. Where were you when your child needed you? Too busy? 
I'm sick of it. Just sick. I am tired of hearing about all these families on welfare and government aid who just keep making babies. I am sick of seeing the abused and neglected faces of children on the news, whose only crime was being born to ignorant and selfish parents. I am sick of women complaining about how hard it is to stay home and love your children. I am sick of seeing post after post from women about how they only feed their children organic foods and refuse to vaccinate, but they see no problem with sticking that same kid in front of a TV for hours on end instead of spending time with them. I am sick of all the "single mom" shit. You can't make a relationship last more than 3 months, yet you think it's a good idea to have a baby with that person? And then have the nerve to bitch about how you have no choice but to raise that baby alone. No choice?? I think you made your choice. The only one with no choice was the child. And don't get me started on mixed families. You hate kids? Well then maybe don't date/marry someone who has them. It is not the child's fault that they were brought into a bad situation. Of course they love their mom or dad. You have no right to hold that against them. And as a parent, HOW DARE YOU use your child as a weapon against an ex. That is inexcusable and disgusting, and you should be ashamed of yourself. YOU made the choice to make a baby with that person. YOU DID. So stop bad mouthing that person to your child. If he/she is such a piece of shit, then you are the idiot for being with them and creating a life with them. By disrespecting that person to your child, you are only causing pain and problems for your son or daughter. And what kind of person does that make you? 
Children are not a toy. They are not here for your amusement and entertainment when and if you feel like "playing house". They are a life. A precious and fragile life. They are innocent souls who YOU are responsible for molding into functioning individuals. If you are not a functional, responsible, loving person, how do you expect to raise one? If you do not give your children the love, attention and support they need from day one, do not be surprised when they become angry, hateful teens or adults. You are setting the example to that child. Are you proud of that example?? 

The Laundry Enigma

If you've ever lived on your own and done your own laundry, you know that it is a never ending job. Just as soon as you empty every hamper, fold the last sock, and put away the final pair of pants, you turn around, and there is more. It's like towels and underwear reproduce in the hamper. I swear, I do not wear four pairs of panties a day, yet somehow within what seems like mere days of washing, drying and folding everything I own, the drawer is empty. Well... not empty. There is always those random skivvies in the very back of the drawer that never, ever get worn. I'm honestly not even sure where they came from in the first place. Are those even mine?? 
Anyway... you get the point. Laundry is an enigma. The number of items worn/used never match the enormous piles in the hampers, on the floor and in a trail, like breadcrumbs, to the laundry room. How does this happen?? Are there little laundry elves that sneak in at night whilst we sleep and wear all of our clothes? Are my towels and linens getting it on in the closet and expecting me to clean up after their linty orgy? And seriously... when did we get so damn many washcloths?! I just don't get it...
I don't mind household chores, I rather enjoy cleaning and organizing for the most part. But laundry is my nemesis. It's my kryptonite. It is the household chore I struggle with the most. There are just so many steps! Gather, separate/sort, pre-treat, wash, dry, fold, put away and repeat. I didn't include ironing, because, well, I'll be honest, I only iron for weddings and funerals. If an extra 15 minutes in the dryer with three fabric softener sheets can't get the wrinkles out, I just wear something else. 
I am the queen of the dryer restart. Not ready to fold just yet? No problem! Yup, that's me. I have no issues getting the clothes from the hamper to the washer, and the washer to the dryer, but after that... well, I start to lose interest. Besides, I kinda like pulling my socks out of a warm dryer and putting them on. And what's better than a fresh, warm towel? Never mind that I had to run dripping and naked to the laundry room to get it. It's WARM! And the dryer is no harder to dig through than a dresser drawer. Am I right? Ok, Ok... I know. It's pathetic. Just fold the crap and put it away. It's a reasonable request, and shouldn't be that hard. BUT IT IS!! It's like the moment I hear the dryer stop, I instantly think of hundreds of things I need to do RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT! Those shoes weren't going to relace themselves, people. 
So what's the solution to this? I think nudists have the right idea. No clothes to wash, and free as the day you were born. But then there would be naked asses on all my furniture. So I'd have to scrub that more often. DAMMIT, there's no winning. And I think I just heard the dryer stop...

Why I Don't Wear White

It is hot outside today. But since I refuse to turn on the air yet, I am staying cool by wearing as little as possible. Inside the comfort (and privacy) of my own home, of course. So whilst looking for something cool and comfy to wear, I spotted this adorable sundress in my closet. It is soft thin cotton and 100% white. Seriously, who makes this shit? Yes, it's cute. Very cute, in fact. But I have never worn it outside my home. Why, you ask? Did you NOT see where I said it was white? AND thin cotton. Also, it isn't bra friendly. And by that I mean, the top half was made for a flat chested 8 year old. How this qualifies as a women's dress is a mystery. But, I got it for like $1 at a thrift store a million years ago and I refuse to part with it. So.. let's rehash: It's thin WHITE cotton and I cannot wear a bra with it. So clearly this falls into the category of pajamas and cannot be worn in public. But it is freakishly comfortable, and very cool. 
I did all my chores this morning. Cleaned the house, did the laundry, defrosted dinner... all of it. So my plan for the remainder of the afternoon was to relax and do some reading. Nothing that should make wearing white an issue, right? WRONG! I swear I don't know how it happens, but somehow stains have found me. I don't even know what this spot is! It just appeared out of nowhere and landed on my white dress. I'm clearly not leaving the house, so this isn't a serious problem or anything, but it is why I don't buy or wear a lot (or any) white things. Wearing white is just asking to fall into a pile of dog shit or be sneezed on by a llama. If I were to wear white pants, I would surely start my period immediately. Wearing a white top means I will stumble into a pool or giant puddle. In front of a preschool. And end up on the sex offenders list for public indecency. That's just the way it goes with white. 
So why did I buy this white dress that I clearly knew was a mistake and could never wear in public?? Because it's CUTE! I LOVE the look of white. It sucks you in with it's cleanness. It screams "Look at me! I'm so clean and pretty! You know you want to wear me!" and I DO! Until I wear it. Then I remember why it's the devil. It's only clean while it's on the hanger. The second you put it on, it becomes a magnet for every piece of dirt, snot, body fluid and filth the universe can throw at it. I firmly believe that wearing white is just cocky. It's like taunting karma. Whomever decided that wedding gowns should be white, clearly had a sick sense of humor. Oh, the most important day of a woman's life and the most stressful, let's put her in something ridiculously expensive and white! That'll teach her! You ever own a pair of pretty white tennis shoes? Yeah, for 35 seconds!! Until I realized I needed to walk! {insert pile of dog crap here} 
White is evil. I know we equate goodness and light with white and fear and darkness with black, but I think we have it all wrong. Black is slimming, and hides most stains. Unless you have a white cat or dog, then you're screwed. But clearly another example of why white is bad. 
So I guess my point here (yes, I DO have a point) is that no matter how cute it is, and no matter how good the commercials and magazine photos make it look, white is not my color. Well... it IS my color. In a sense. I mean my skin is glaring white and all. And not the good, porcelain, classy white, either. More like a glow in the dark, lots of freckles, blotchy mess white. So I am making a vow right now, for all of you to witness. NO MORE WHITE!! No matter how cute, and how cheap, I shall not buy it. 
Even though I love this dress, and if I could wear a bra with it, I *might* just wear it outside. 
Shit! Is that another spot??! 

Mother's Day

Saturday was the nine month anniversary of Zach's passing. It's still so hard to believe that he's been gone that long. So much has happened in 9 months... I think of all that he's missed and I get angry. Holidays and special events are especially hard. Those are the days when no matter how good at denial you are, you just can't avoid the pain. I don't even need a calendar to remind me. It's like I wake up knowing that certain days are just going to suck worse than others. 
Like Mother's Day... As most of you know, I did not give birth to Zachary. I entered into a committed relationship with his father when he was 4 years old (and I was 19) and we became an instant family. Right from day one, I knew he was mine. We had an immediate and strong bond that was undeniable. I never expected to have a family. To the best of my knowledge, that is something that was never going to be in the cards for me. I was fine with that. I didn't think I ever wanted to be a mom. Then I met Zach. And more than anything in the world, I wanted to be his mom. And as it turned out, he needed one, so it was meant to be. I stayed home full time with him for almost 3 years. I taught him to read, write, tie his shoes and more. Once he was in school all day, I took a part time job that allowed me to take and pick him up from the bus each day, and the freedom to request days off to volunteer in his classroom and attend field trips. I packed lunches, helped with homework, was the bad guy that made him clean his room and eat his vegetables, got up with him at night when he was sick, and so on. Once he was old enough to stay home for a few hours, I went to work full time. But I still volunteered in his classes and attended all field trips, plays, concerts and games. That was important to me. He was my son, and I didn't want to miss anything. We did so much together. We even attended the Mother/Son Dance every single year, until the cut off age. I loved him with every ounce of my being. I still do. I may not have given birth to him, but he was my son in every other way imaginable. He was the child I was meant to have. He was my gift. And each year on Mother's Day, he made sure to tell me what that meant to him. From the time he was very small, he did something special for me on that day. Even before anyone else accepted it, he always showed me how important I was to him. And that meant more than anything. From handmade cards and gifts, to the later years when he bought me things with his own money. They all meant the world to me. It was the one day of the year that I most questioned my motherhood. And it was a day that without even knowing it, he assuaged my fears. He made me feel important and special to him. He made all the sleepless nights, doubts and fears disappear, and just made me feel like a normal mom. His mom. The best title in the world. And he made me realize that I didn't just want to be A mom, I wanted to be HIS mom, and not only did he need me, but I needed him just as much. 
Now Mother's Day is just a few days away, and every time I turn on the TV, radio or computer, I am bombarded with reminders. Reminders that I am no longer a mom. Reminders that my son is gone. Reminders that he no longer needs me, but that I need him more than ever. 
I am dreading Sunday... If I could take a pill and sleep through the entire day, I would. But unfortunately, that isn't an option. 
I miss my son. The pain is indescribable and immeasurable. And while the rest of the world is celebrating their children and motherhood, I'll be grieving the loss of both.... 

                                  My Boy Child and I, years ago.