I dreamt about you last night. But that is nothing new... I dream of you almost every night. I relive memories and moments of your life. I hear people talk about their loved ones coming to them in dreams, and talking with them. Hearing them say they are ok and that they know they love them. I would give anything for a dream like that. Why don't you come to me? I have so many questions. Are you ok? Will I see you again someday? Can you see and hear me when I talk to you? I talk to you a lot. Sometimes I swear I can even hear your voice answering me in my head. Or hear you laugh at me when I do something stupid.
I sat in your room for a long time this morning. I read a bunch of the messages that were written to you at the luminary service. I still haven't read them all. It's too painful... Someday I'll finish them. I like to sit and look at your photos and talk to you. Sometimes I wear one of your shirts. You used to think it was kinda cool when I would steal your shirts. Mostly because it meant you were getting bigger, and you were obsessed with getting taller. You wanted to be big, like your Dad, and I wanted to keep you little forever. I would have settled for just having you forever...
I miss you so much. I miss our talks about anything and everything. I miss teasing your Dad together and cracking up at the goofy things he does. I even miss you two making fun of me and laughing so hard you were crying. I miss all the stupid little things we used to do as a family. I miss all the big things, too. Spring is coming, and that means all your friends are on Spring Break. I wonder if you would've wanted to go somewhere again. Maybe this year we would've gone somewhere with you. We'll never know now... As much as I'm looking forward to spring and warmer weather, I know it'll only make me miss you more.
Each day that passes makes me miss you more. You've missed so much. It isn't fair. This world is such a shitty place, and people like you made it better. So why you? People ask me why I don't believe in God, and I ask them how I could. Would a truly loving and caring God take someone so young and so kind? Someone who lit up the world just by being in it. Someone who helped others and had such a giving heart. If there really is a reason for everything, then at the very least we should know why we suffer. Otherwise, why bother. I don't want to believe in a God who forgives the guilty and punishes the innocent. I hear people say that you are in a better place now. Where? And how do they know that? I hope for your sake that it's true. You deserve the best. I just wish you could tell me that you're ok. That you're safe and happy. That you aren't scared or in pain. I hate the not knowing. I hate not being able to fix it. There's no kiss or band-aid to make this all better and it makes me feel helpless.
I know I'm just rambling on... there are just so many things I want to say to you. So many hugs I want to give you. There was still so much left for you to do. I hate this... Today is not a good day for me. I try and stay positive and do what I promised you, but sometimes I just can't. I'm sorry... Sometimes it all just gets to be too much. Maybe I'm not strong enough to do this. I could sure use your light today, kiddo.
I love you bunches and bunches, Boy Child...
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