Happiness. That simple thing that always seems to be just beyond our grasp. But is it really?
I've never considered myself an optimist. Nor would I call myself a pessimist, either. I like to think I'm a realist. I don't view the world through rose colored glasses, and I have my Debbie Downer days just like anyone else. Since losing my son, almost 11 months ago, I've started really noticing how people react to different things in life, and social media is a great place to study human behavior. When people post things, they often do it without thought. It's instant gratification. I'm mad/sad/excited/scared/etc, so I'm going to let the world know why, right now. Once upon a time, you couldn't do that. You had to wait until you came home to talk to your spouse, or to call a friend. So we tended to think about things a bit longer. We let them absorb. This gave us a chance to put it into perspective. Is it really that upsetting? Is it worth the drama it may cause to share it? Is it too personal/private? With cell phones and social media, we tend to skip the introspective part and just go for it. We share everything without always thinking it through. And without considering the consequences.
So what does that have to do with happiness, you ask? Let me explain...
Happiness is a matter of perspective. You can choose to see the negative or you can seek out the positive.
When we stop to put things into perspective, we often realize that the things we think are so bad, really aren't. We also may find that the things we complain about most, are fully within our control to change. When I hear/see people complain about their kids making messes, I can't help but think how lucky they are. I'd give anything to come home to a mess again. Having a mess means you have your children. Messes can be cleaned up. Broken items can be replaced. Children cannot.
When someone makes a post complaining about having a cold/flu, someone suffering from cancer or missing a limb might consider them lucky.
When you put your causes for unhappiness in a pile with everyone else's, and you see how they compare, you may just think differently.
So are you choosing to be unhappy? Are you actively looking for a new job, or just constantly bitching about the one you have? Are you whining about how awful your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is, but making no attempt to leave the situation? Are you crying about being fat, but still eating unhealthy foods and not exercising? Are you forever bemoaning how your friends/family treat you, but continuing to allow it to happen?
Are you CHOOSING to be miserable? If you were looking at your life from the outside, what advice would you give yourself?
Just like you can choose to be unhappy, you can also choose to be happy. Or at the very least, happier. You can change your attitude about how you see things. You can start asking yourself "Is this REALLY that bad?" or "Is this something I can change?" And when you really start to feel down, turn on the news. Look at what's happening in the world and think about how your life compares. Do you have a roof over your head? A partner who loves and supports you? Food in your belly? Freedom?
After losing our son, my husband and I have made a concerted effort to not fall into the depression and negativity that comes so easily now. We have opted instead to adopt our son's happy and carefree attitude about life, and we TRY to always see the silver lining. Is this easy? Not at all. But nothing worthwhile ever is. But I know that when we do this, I can feel our son smiling down on us with pride. So I am choosing to be happy. I have learned to put things into perspective and not to sweat the small stuff. I have decided that I am no longer allowing room in my life for toxic and negative people. I have to fight hard enough for the positive, I will not allow others to bring me down even more. I have learned that humor is a POWERFUL tool, and that sometimes you just have to laugh. And I have learned that happiness is not something we are given, it is something we choose for ourselves. So today... I am choosing to be happy. What are you choosing?
The older I get, the more fondly I look back on the simple innocence of youth. In a time when children are growing up so fast, and are mature beyond their years, it is even more important to make sure kids experience the joys of childhood. It is easy to get caught up in routines and the craziness of life, and before we know it, our children are grown. So here is a list of things that I think every kid needs to experience. Simple things that they will always remember and one day share with their kids. With summer break upon us, now is a great time to make these memories with your family.
- Read books, and lots of them. Real books, with real pages.
- Dress up and play make believe.
- See a rainbow and try to find the pot of gold at the end.
- Pretend the floor is lava.
- Learn to build a proper blanket fort.
- Catch fireflies.
- Make s'mores.
- Have a lemonade stand.
- Go camping and sleep under the stars.
- Identify the big and little dipper. And the North Star.
- Make sock puppets and put on a puppet show.
- Sing silly songs.
- Dance until your legs hurt.
- Build a sand castle and watch it get washed away.
- Run barefoot.
- Go for bike rides.
- Make your own Halloween costume.
- Blow bubbles. And chase them.
- Use sidewalk chalk.
- Create art.
- Play an instrument.
- Make a new friend, all by themselves.
- Feed some wildlife.
- Catch a frog, a turtle and a snake.
- Pick wildflowers.
- Eat fruits and veggies right out of the garden.
- Plant a tree.
- Donate their own possessions to someone in need.
- Learn to write a proper thank you note.
- Play in the rain.
- Learn to make their bed. And do it every day.
- Eat too much candy.
- Have a pen pal.
- Fall down. And get back up.
- Ride a horse.
- Learn to swim.
- Go down a water slide.
- Have a water balloon fight.
- Build a snowman.
- Have a snowball fight.
- Listen to your parents favorite music.
- Go to a drive in movie in your pajamas.
- Watch fireworks and play with sparklers.
- Ride on a tractor.
- Build Legos.
- Go to museums.
- Learn to color inside and outside the lines.
- Drink right from the hose.
- Learn to do a cannonball.
- Fight and make up with a friend.
Obviously there are many, many more things children should learn and experience, but this is a pretty good start. :)
Tomorrow is Father's Day. A day to celebrate the men who nurture, support, love and value their children. For my husband, it's another reminder of what we no longer have. Of what we no longer are... parents.
I know how I felt about Mother's Day, and I've been dreading watching him go through this. There is nothing I, or anyone, can say or do to make him feel better. There's no magic cure for the sadness and grief.
But I wanted to do something, anything, to honor the amazing man and father he is. Father's Day was always a big day at our house. Zachary spent weeks, sometimes months, deciding on the perfect gift for his Dad. And he rarely managed to wait til Father's Day to give it to him. He would just get too excited. So today, I want to share Dan's story with you...
Dan (my hubs) was only 17 when Zachary was born. Still in high school, and still a child himself. Not an ideal situation by any means. He went to school during the day, and worked at night, to provide a life for himself and his son. He made sacrifices that MANY in similar situations never make. And when Zachary's mother decided it was too much, and walked away (when Zach was only 9 months old) Dan took on the full parental load. He had help, of course, from his family, but the brunt of everything was always on him. And as with most things, Dan took it in stride. He did what needed to be done, and he made sure that his son ALWAYS had what he needed. I met Dan when Zach was 4 years old. I fell in love with both of them almost immediately. We were an instant family. But I was only 19 and Dan was just 22. We were substantially younger than most parents of children Zach's age.
But Dan worked harder and did more than most men twice his age. And he came home every night to his family. We ate dinner at the table together, and he helped with homework. He never once shirked his responsibilities, or made excuses. And the love he had for his son was evident in every choice he made.
He taught Zach to ride a bike, came to every soccer and basketball game, encouraged and disciplined when needed and loved unconditionally. The bond that my husband and son shared was apparent to anyone who knew them. They had an amazing relationship that was only getting stronger. In many ways, they grew up together, and so they were much more than just father and son. They were buddies. Zach knew he could come to his Dad for anything. He knew that no matter what the circumstances, his Dad would ALWAYS be there. To fix his car, to offer advice, to share a laugh and everything in between. Dan wanted to give his son the world, and many times worked long hours, weekends and multiple jobs to make sure that Zach had anything he needed or wanted. And all of this while still being an amazing husband, son, brother and friend. Dan is incredible. He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. He's selfless, kind, loving, funny, strong and just plain incredible.
After Zach's accident, there was so much to do and so many important decisions to make. And all while grieving the loss of our son. As always, Dan's character shone brighter than ever. He stayed strong and did what needed to be done, and he did it with grace and compassion. I've always been so proud to be with him, and honored that he chose me to share his life, but never as much as I am these days. Each morning, when I watch him climb out of bed and start his day, I am reminded of his strength. Each night, when I lie down in his arms, I am reminded of his big heart. And each time someone shares a story about our son, and what an incredible person he was, I am reminded that he was just like his father. And tomorrow, when the world is celebrating fathers everywhere, I will be celebrating the most amazing father and man I've ever known. And I know that our son will be looking down on his Dad with pride and love.
Happy Father's Day, Dan. May you always know how loved you are, and how lucky your son was to have you as his Dad. XOXO
The hubs and I recently decided to purchase a new blender. This makes blender number 4 or 5, I believe, since we've been together. We don't have good luck with them. I blame the hubs and his manhandling. So we opted to try again... with a new rule. I'm the only one allowed to use it.
With summer on the way, and pinterest filled with delicious blended drink recipes, this became a very important purchase.
So once we selected the machine, we decided to grab a few ingredients for one of our favorite treats. Smoothies. After grabbing some fresh fruit, vanilla yogurt, etc, we headed home to try out our new toy.
Now, my hubs likes his smoothies to have a lot of icy crunch. (Think Slush Puppy texture.) Me, I prefer to stay true to the smooth in smoothie. But that's the beauty of smoothies... there is no wrong way to make them. So I proceeded to cut up some fruit and whip some up. They were delicious. And healthy! Over the next few days, I did a little research into popular recipes and discovered TONS of new ingredients and mixes. I have a grocery list a mile long of things I want to try. Peanut butter, kale, spinach, oats, various fruit combinations... the list is endless. Now I know the green smoothies are all the rage right now, and that's great and all, but I prefer my smoothie to be sweet and dessert-like. And not green. So I will try adding small amounts of various healthier things to the fruits (and maybe veggies) I love, but I'll have to be extra sneaky if I want the hubs to drink it.
I really like the idea of breakfast smoothies. Especially when I'm pressed for time. I rarely eat breakfast, and I know how bad that is, so smoothies are a great solution. I can even make them the night before and keep them in the fridge. And so far, I've found they stick with me much longer than my other fast grab options, like donuts, Pop-Tarts, or a Snickers.
If you haven't realized it by now, I have a rather enlarged sweet tooth. And the hubs makes mine look dainty. We like our sugary treats. But the older we get, and the slower our metabolism gets, we know we need to start making better, healthier choices. So we're trying to replace ice cream with a fruit smoothie. I may even buy some frozen yogurt or sherbet and try some sweeter recipes. Or add a little alcohol for a tasty adult drink. The possibilities are endless. And I want to try them all. Having been blender-less for the last several years, I feel obligated to make up for lost time. And luckily for me, there is an entire world of smoothie addicts out there, ready to share their tried and true custom blends. So I will happily join them, and share my newest (and favorite so far) concoction. This is what I am currently sipping away at while I type, and the smoothie pictured above. Try it and let me know what you think.
My Berry Best Smoothie Yet
1/2 cup Five Alive juice (orange juice will work, also)
Generous handful of fresh raspberries
Generous handful of fresh blueberries
Generous handful of fresh strawberries
1 chunked banana
A large scoop of low fat vanilla yogurt
A large scoop of unsweetened apple sauce
Blend until smooth and enjoy!
*I wanted to add some honey, but was sadly all out.
I (vaguely) remember being a teenager, and thinking that 30 was old. I also thought flannel was the greatest fabric created, so what the hell did I know?
The point is... the older you get, the more your definition of "old" changes. I no longer define old. Age is just a number, and attitude is everything. Some days, I feel really old. Other days, I feel quite young. But talking with a friend the other day, she was telling me how nervous she was to celebrate her 30th birthday this year. That got me to thinking... Are your 30's really that bad?? I was surprised to realize that, so far, I am rather enjoying them. I think people take you more seriously in your 30's. You've lost that ignorance of youth, and are now gaining wisdom. You are old enough to take part in everything, and still young enough to enjoy most of it. So would I want to be 18 again? No. And here's why...
I'm smarter now. I have a better understanding of the world around me and how things work. At 18, you're naive to most things, and so you make MANY mistakes. So now I get to enjoy the wisdom and knowledge that those lessons taught me, and laugh at the younger generations.
I'm happier now. Teenage angst is so dramatic. Your world view is so narrow that the littlest things seem catastrophic and earth shattering. In your 30's, you don't sweat the small stuff as much. You understand that life is short and you learn to count your blessings. You know that there is REAL tragedy in the world, and you know how to put things into perspective.
At 18, you think friendships are about quantity. In your 30's, you know it's really about quality. It isn't how many friends you have, it's how meaningful those relationships are. It isn't about how much time you spend together, it's about what that time entails. With age, you learn to weed out fair weather friends, users and abusers. The people in my life now are the people who truly matter. Ones who have stood by me through thick and thin, and who I would do anything for.
Being single is not all it's cracked up to be. As a teen, the idea of being with someone for more than a month seems insane. You want to catch all the fish in the sea. You are always thinking you can do better. In your 30's, if you are single, you envy your committed friends. You've caught most of the fish in the sea, and would happily throw them back. A happy, monogamous relationship is one of the greatest things in life. If you are lucky enough to be in one (and thank the stars, I am) you value it and nurture it.
I am much more comfortable in my body. At 18, I didn't hate my body, but I would happily have changed it. I was quick to see the flaws and tried to hide behind baggy clothes. Now, I own it. I have curves now, and I love them. (I wouldn't hate having a FEW less in some areas, mind you.) I feel content in my skin and accept it, flaws and all. When my hubs tells me I look sexy, I actually FEEL sexy. That doesn't mean the same thing to me as it did in my teens and 20's. I only THOUGHT I knew what sexy was then... now I understand that it has less to do with your size and more to do with your attitude.
I've accepted who I am. In your teens, you are still discovering yourself. Figuring out where you fit and who you are. By your 30's, you (should) have that figured out. You know what you believe, what you stand for and what you will and won't tolerate. I know I'm far from perfect, and that's ok. There is nothing wrong with who I am. (Though some may argue that.) I truly don't care what people think of me, because I understand that the people who matter, will love me, flaws and all, and the rest aren't my problem.
Now I could go on, of course, but I think you get the idea. Aging isn't something to dread, or to fear. It simply means you are getting better. Like a fine wine. Or cheese. Yes... I am becoming a stinky, classy cheese, and I am proud of it. So own who you are. At every age. Because you are growing into a better, more well oiled version of yourself, and that is a very good thing.
Starting Monday, I will officially be back in the working world. I have been off for some time now. I had been looking for a job for awhile before my son's accident. I was called back and offered a great position on the day of his funeral. I wanted to take it. I agreed to take it. But I just couldn't do it. I had to call them and turn it down. After months of looking for the right job, it was an awful feeling to have to say no. But I wasn't anywhere in the right frame of mind to start a new job. Luckily, I have an AMAZING hubs, who supports me in every way, and thanks to him, I've been able to stay home for this long.
But then, just recently, a job landed in my lap. It was a friend of a friend situation, and I only intended on meeting with the woman, and hearing her out. But, as it turns out, it was too perfect to say no. The owners are incredible people, and so understanding and kind.
I still have concerns, of course, but I think this is the right decision.
It's a little scary to get back into the "real world" after losing my son. For the past 10 months, I have barricaded myself in a little bubble of safety. I've avoided meeting new people, so that I don't have to answer the dreaded "Do you have kids?" type questions. I've gotten comfortable in knowing that IF I am struggling with getting out of bed, or getting dressed, it's ok. I've created my own sanctuary, where I can cry alone, and scream in anger and frustration, without bothering others.
But I'm getting TOO comfortable here. It's time to rejoin the world. It's time to face my new normal, and test my limits. It's time to shake loose the cobwebs from my grief fogged brain and try again. It's scary and exciting at the same time.
I'm scared I won't be strong enough, and that I'll fail. But I'm excited to learn new things, and challenge myself. I'll probably make (many) mistakes along the way, but my new bosses are unbelievably supportive, and don't have unreasonable expectations. That is a HUGE comfort.
So... after a few short training days, and a basic game plan... On Monday, I head off on my own. Literally. I will be in a building all by myself, though my bosses are just a phone call away. But I will be responsible for setting my own pace, and staying on task. I've always been self motivated, so that won't be a problem, but it is a new experience for me, none the less. But I look forward to it. It's a new adventure. Come Monday morning, I'm sure I will be a giant ball of nerves, but right now I am at peace. I believe in my heart that this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now, and I am so grateful to Jim and Julie at Kallas Heating & Cooling [check them out here] for giving me this opportunity, and for being so great.
So Berry Friends, wish me luck, and if you're ever in Durand, MI stop by and say hello.
I have been with my hubs (Dan) for 15 years. We have been through one short lived separation (very early on) three moves, several job changes and raising and losing our son. Just to name a few things...
People are often telling me that they envy our relationship, and that they want what we have. I get asked for relationship advice regularly, and though I am happy to share my opinions, I don't consider myself an expert by any means. I met and moved in with Dan after two weeks. And though that worked out well for us, I wouldn't exactly suggest it to others. How we are, and what we do, wouldn't work for everyone. But we do have a great relationship, and even after all we've been through, we are pretty damn happy. So maybe I am qualified to offer advice, who knows. But for now, I'll just share some of our rules. These are things we don't compromise on. And in my opinion, these are a big part of why we are as strong of a couple as we are. Take them as you will... (and these are in no particular order, either)
- 100% total honesty, all the time. No exceptions. It may not always be easy to say or hear the truth, but it is necessary. We don't sugar coat anything, and we never have. If you can't be totally honest with your partner, you shouldn't be together. Dan and I share everything. The good, the bad and everything in between. There are no secrets. If the shoes weren't on sale, I don't tell him they were. If he thinks the waitress is hot, he doesn't pretend he was just reading her name tag.
- Be true to yourself. I have never pretended to be someone I wasn't, and neither has Dan. If I wanted to change him, I shouldn't be with him. If you truly love someone, you love all of them. That's not to say you adore their stinky feet or something, but you accept them as they are. Flaws and all. If you have to hide who you are to please someone else, that's being dishonest. See rule #1.
- Sex is CRUCIAL. Couples who don't have sex, scare me. Physical intimacy is SO important to a good relationship. It is how you connect on every level. It shows trust, comfort, passion, desire and so much more. And not only should you be having it (and often) but you should talk about it. Dan and I talk about everything, and sex is no exception. We know each other's likes and dislikes, fantasies and favorites. And we support them. If one of us wants to try something, we try it. Then we talk about it. Nothing is off limits. There is no embarrassment or shame. Why? Because we trust each other completely. And also... See #1.
- Have fun together. If you can't laugh and have fun with your partner, you're doing something wrong. Dan and I are best friends. As corny as that sounds, it's the truth. We have a blast together. We act goofy and weird and laugh at each other. We wrestle and tease and joke. We find humor wherever we can, and we genuinely enjoy each other's company.
- Go to bed at the same time. Now I realize that this can't work for everyone, what with work schedules and such, but this is a big one for us. Falling asleep and waking up together is very important to us. Sometimes this means he naps on the couch for a bit, until I'm tired, and sometimes it means I lie awake for a few. But the comfort of being snuggled up to the one you love, and falling asleep in their warmth makes those occasions totally worth it.
- No TV in the bed room. Yup, that's right. In all the years we've been together, we've never had a TV in our room. We watch television in the living room, together. Do we always agree on what to watch? Of course not. But we compromise. And if I'm totally not interested in what he's watching, I play on the computer or read and vice-versa for him. But we are still next to each other, still able to talk and share, still together. That is very important to us.
- Share each other's interests. Luckily for us, we share many of the same hobbies and interests. But there are things that one of us may not be totally into. But we still do them together. Dan will craft with me and I help him in the garage. And we BOTH enjoy it. We learn from each other and we make memories. Dan doesn't have or want a "man cave". We don't want to hide from each other. We do things without one another, and that's fine, but we enjoy doing things together as well. And if you don't ever share in your partner's interests, how will you ever experience their joy? I LOVE seeing the look on Dan's face when he's doing something he enjoys. That makes me happy, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
- Balance each other out. Each person has their strengths and weaknesses. That is just a fact. Instead of holding those weaknesses against the other, Dan and I use them as opportunities to help each other. We aren't perfect, and we understand that. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can figure out the best way to deal with those differences, and make them work.
- Communication. This should be a given for any relationship, but sadly I know it isn't for a lot of them. We talk about EVERYTHING. TMI? No such thing. I know that there isn't any subject off limits, and that is a huge comfort to me. No matter how crazy, weird, inappropriate or silly, I know I can talk about it with Dan. And he listens. He may laugh at me, or tell me I'm nuts, but he still listens. And I do the same for him.
- Do what works for you. At the end of the day, you are the ones in your relationship, so if something doesn't work for you, don't do it. The world isn't black and white, and neither are relationships. If you are both TRULY happy, that is all that matters. Don't let other people try to fit your relationship into their mold. Each person is different, therefore, each couple will be different. Many people thought that Dan & I wouldn't last, because we didn't fit "their idea" of a good relationship. But we said screw 'em, and did what felt right for us. Fifteen years later, and most of those couples are no longer together, yet here we are. Still going strong...
Tomorrow will be the 10 month anniversary of losing our son. It will also be exactly one year since we watched him graduate from high school. Such an odd combination...
One year ago, I was bickering with my 18 year old (bull headed) son about what he was wearing under his cap and gown. I thought he should dress up, and he wanted to wear shorts and a t-shirt. I remember him telling me that no one would be dressed up, since they had their senior overnight party following. I still pushed for at least pants and nicer shoes. I lost. He ended up being right, and almost all the kids were very casually dressed, so he didn't stick out like the sore thumb I'd assumed he would.
I remember watching our little boy, who had somehow grown into a man overnight, walk across that stage with his big grin. I remember thinking "Wasn't he just starting kindergarten?" I remember crying like a baby when they called his name, and the pride I felt at seeing him sport his Cum Laude tassels, and holding that diploma. I remember every moment of that day like it was yesterday. I also remember thinking that we had such a long future ahead of us. College, a career, marriage, kids, etc. This was the beginning of so many amazing things. If only I had known the truth... Two incredibly short months later, we held his hand in a hospital and said our goodbyes. In a matter of seconds, his life was gone, and ours was changed forever.
If I could go back one year, I wouldn't argue about shoes and dress pants. I wouldn't fuss over his hair. I would just hug him longer. I would tell him again how unbelievably proud of him I was. I would tease him, just to see his smile one more time. I would make him laugh, so I could hear that magical sound again. I would tell him all the things I wish I could tell him now. I would tell him I loved him a thousand more times. I would take hundreds more photos, to try and capture every second that I could. I would pause time, and hold on to my little family for as long as I could. If only I'd known then what I know now...
A random moment between my son & I, captured by a family member after the ceremony. I love this photo so much.
My little family... Just one year ago...
