Grief Triggers

I've touched a bit on Grief Triggers before, but I don't think I really explained it very well. This is something that I really wish more people understood, since it is a HUGE part of life for parents who have lost children. I often talk/write about our "new normal" and how different daily life is now, since losing our son. Grief plays a constant part in our lives these days, and Grief Triggers are everywhere. As we wander through this maze of life without our child, we are constantly bombarded with reminders of what we lost. These reminders are triggers. Things that trigger a strong emotional reaction, and can leave a grieving parent shaken, distraught, and fighting for sanity.
Triggers can be anything, and they can come from anywhere. Some are like a punch to the gut, and others can leave you crying uncontrollably. They strike without warning, and make navigating through life a very scary and unnerving situation. This is why falling into the "Black Hole of Grief" (read more about that here) is so easy and tempting for many grieving parents. To be able to block out the world, and all the painful triggers, can seem like a welcome reprieve from the constant struggle. Grief effects every aspect of your life. Not even during sleep (if you are afforded that luxury) are you free from it. Your dreams/nightmares are often haunted with reminders of your loss. And every waking moment is filled with pain. Physical, and emotional. You learn to compartmentalize your emotions, and you begin to function again. But you cannot block yourself off entirely. This is where triggers come into play...
Triggers come in so many forms, I could spend a week listing them all. And each individual is different, so their triggers are as well. Here are some examples from my personal collection:
*Movies & TV shows are always filled with trigger moments. From the funny father/son moments, to the happy new grandparents, and anything in between.
*Commercials are always good for striking a nerve. From the car ads talking about keeping your child safe, to the stressed out moms in minivans.
*Music. I used to LOVE music. Rarely went long without listening to it. Now I find myself driving or working in silence, rather than risk hearing a song that will rip open my heart, and leaving me crying at a stop light. (Yes, this has happened.)
*Stores. Like seeing his favorite snack on sale, and reaching for it, only to realize at the last moment that you don't have a reason to buy that anymore.
*Holidays and specific days can be triggers for numerous reasons.
*Social events are now like walking in a mine field. You never know when someone will say or do something that could set you off. From totally casual remarks about their children, to benign questions that can create an awkward and painful moment for all parties involved.
*Family gatherings. While you still want to be around your loved ones, being with large groups of people (related or not) is an invitation for triggers.
*Reading. Another once beloved pastime that is now riddled with triggers.
*Public outings are always tricky. You never know what you will see or hear.
*Social Media/Internet. Try casually scrolling through your news feed and seeing photos & videos of car accidents and not have it effect you. Not to mention the regular everyday things, like parental rants/brags, family photos, and more.
I could go on for days, but the point is, triggers can be anywhere, at any time. Sometimes I can go several hours without one, and sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, I am being assaulted with them, and there is no escape. Whatever pride I once had, was lost somewhere between crying over a bag of cheezballs at the grocery store, and apologizing to a dear friend for my angry reaction to their totally normal "stressed out mom" remark.
Life after losing a child is never the same. But I don't think people truly understand what that means. There have been times when I have had to cancel plans, leave early, and excuse myself from situations for what appears to be no reason. And while over time, I have become better at controlling it, there is no guarantee. This is all just part of our "new normal", and something I hope our friends and loved ones can try to understand.

 

The Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization that offers help to parents who

have lost a child. To find out more about them, check out their website here.

Another Interview with Hank the Gnome

Hank the Gnome isn't a gnome of few words. As a matter of fact, he generally has quite a bit to say. If you aren't familiar with his ramblings, I mean wisdom, check him out on facebook by following this link. (just click here) But here at Berry Favorite Things, I like to check in with ol' Hank from time to time to see what's new in his world...

Berry Favorite Things: So Hank, how have you been since we last spoke?

Hank the Gnome: I imagine the correct answer should be GREAT, since otherwise, you look like an asshat for not checking in more often.

BFT: So has it been great?

Hank: It's been ok. The crazy lady I live with is getting a bit out of hand lately, though. She's taken to making me ridiculous costumes, and she brought a pet velociraptor for the weird bald guy for Christmas.

 This is Nikita (the dinosaur) and I in our latest ensemble. I mean look at how bizarre this is. Clearly I'm supposed to be Batman. I'm nobody's sidekick. But whatever, I'm just glad this beast is house trained and hasn't had me for a midnight snack yet.

BFT: Sounds like life has been interesting lately. How are the wife and kids?

Hank: Willow and the little ones are doing well. Though we've been debating moving soon. The place is getting a bit tight lately, with all the recent additions. I guess the crazy lady just can't say no to a homeless gnome. It's like a lawn ornament factory blew up in the place.

BFT: Well that's a good thing, right? She did adopt you after all.

Hank: What are you, her #1 fan? No, it's not a good thing. I liked being the only gnome. Now there are pointy hats everywhere, and a damn prehistoric drool machine wandering around. It's like she's running a damn zoo.

BFT: Well Hank, it sounds like you are a bit angry. Could it be because of the latest incident with some trolls?

Hank: Not cool, lady. Not. Cool. I thought I said I didn't want to discuss the troll incident.

BFT: But the readers want to know. Are you a trollist, Hank?

Hank: Yeah, I am ok?! I don't like them. They're nasty little rodents, and they've been giving wee creatures a bad name for centuries! I mean, put on some clothes, you indecent little bastards!! And get that mess of hair under control! Filthy little forest hippies...

BFT: I see... well I didn't mean to upset you, I just thought we should address it, but clearly this is a subject for another day. Let's talk about something else.

Hank: (deep breath) Good idea.

BFT: I hear you're going to Sno*Drift Rally this weekend with your people. That should be fun.

Hank: Yes, I really like rally. The people involved are all pretty cool, and always seem genuinely pleased to see me. I'm hoping to sit in some cool cars this time, if the crazy lady lets me out of this new contraption she discovered.

BFT: Oh my... Well that looks comfortable at least. And warm. I hear it will be very cold there.

Hank: It's pretty cozy, I'll give her that. Even if it does make her look even more wacky. Not that she seems to care.

BFT: That's probably a good thing. She sounds like a pretty cool person.

Hank: Geez lady, get off her jock. She's ok, but you don't have to go hyping her up. She's not THAT cool.

BFT: Well Hank, it looks like we are about out of time for today, but we'd love to have you back on again soon. It's always entertaining. Thanks for coming.

Hank: I'm happy to come back whenever. Maybe next time we can do a Q&A with some readers, since you are clearly terrible at this.

BFT: Umm, yeah, sure, I guess. And maybe next time you can be less of a salty crab pants, eh?

Hank: Touche. (tips hat) Always a pleasure.

It's More Than Just A Day Off....

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. For many of you, that is a day off of work or school. But is that all it is to you? It should be so much more....
Martin Luther King Jr. was a man who believed in the power of faith, and kindness. He truly believed that people could work together for the betterment of mankind. Not as blacks, whites, etc, but as BROTHERS AND SISTERS. As humans. He fought for what he believed in, and made incredible strides in the battle for equal rights.
Among his MANY accomplishments as a pastor, humanitarian, civil rights leader, and activist, he received a Nobel Peace Prize in 1964, and was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and the Congressional Gold Medal.
His "I Have A Dream" speech during the 1963 March on Washington, will forever be known as one of the most moving, passionate, and well delivered verbalizations in history. He is easily one of the greatest speakers ever to have lived. When Martin Luther King Jr. spoke, the world listened. The power, and emotion in his words is felt to this day. I have listened to his "I Have A Dream" speech countless times, and each time, I am moved to tears. His simple wish that one day his four children "would live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character" is something that countless people still wish and hope for. Yes, we have made great strides, but we still have far to go.
Today, let's take a moment and honor this great man, and his legacy, and be kind to one another. Talk to your children about hate, and about judgment. Teach them the value of character, and that beauty is internal, not external. Share with them the history of this nation, and the dangers of closed-mindedness. Show them how to move forward, and love their fellow man.
In the words of MLK Jr. himself:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Wise words, from a very wise man...
His notion of equality for all is still very much a hot topic, and applies for more than just race. We can channel his wisdom, and compassion into all areas of inequality. Regardless of what you look like on the outside, what you believe in, and who you love, we are all one nation. We all bleed red, and we all have souls, and breakable hearts. Peace and love are not just an inane idea, but a way of life. Choose to act better, do better, and you will BE better. Change your attitude, and your perspective, and your world WILL change. Just some food for thought...

Readers Requests Day 5: Drama seekers/creators

Well folks... It's here. The final day of a week of reader requests. Today's suggestion comes from my friend Tony, who also happens to be one of the most level headed and intelligent people I know. So when he suggested a post about people who seek/create drama, I knew immediately that it was a brilliant idea.

Drama seekers/creators (AKA: drama llamas, drama queens, etc.) are everywhere. There's at least one in every workplace, family, group, and social circle. You know the type, they are always going on and on about how hard their life is, and how NO ONE could possibly understand what they are going through. They have ZERO perspective, and adamantly seek out situations that they think will garner them attention. From poor choices in relationships, to putting themselves in bad positions, to actively searching for opportunities to cause problems for others and/or themselves.
With the advent of social media, these types have blossomed, and quadrupled in numbers. They now have 24-7 access to a format that allows them to continually beg for attention, and with so many people seeing it, there is bound to be someone to play into it. This feeds the vicious cycle, and before you know it, you are bombarded with a herd of drama llamas.
So what do you do? How do you avoid it? Well, the best way to stay drama free, is to avoid the people who create it. Now this isn't always easy, since as I mentioned, these people are everywhere, and there will be times when you will be forced to deal with them. My best advice in these situations is to remain neutral. When they start with the "poor me" and the "did you hear what he/she did" change the subject. Aim for topics that will be difficult to redirect back to themselves. For example; weather, food, television and movies, etc. Avoid personal subjects, and end the contact as quickly as possible.
Now when it comes to drama queens that you don't HAVE to deal with, avoid them at all costs. Even playing nice can be a mistake, and you can end up sucked into bad situations, and before you know it, you are fully engulfed in their drama, against your will. Oftentimes, it helps to let these people know that you are aware of their games, and to back off. But be warned... they will use ANY situation to their advantage, and try to suck you in using pity, guilt, shame, or by being overly nice, until they get what they want. Which is generally attention. I'm not sure where the constant need for attention comes from. Maybe daddy didn't love them enough, or maybe they were bullied in school. Or maybe they just feel entitled for some reason, and think the world owes them everything, and want constant reassurance of how much better than everyone else they are. I don't know the reasons, I only know I hate it, and will avoid it at all costs. Life is dramatic enough, without voluntarily surrounding yourself with more of it. If 98% of what leaves your mouth, or ends up in your facebook feed, is whiny, needy, negative, melodramatic, or intended to instigate/provoke others... I have no time for you. This isn't to say we don't all have bad days, or occasionally feel the need to vent. But when your occasion is all day, every day... You are a drama seeker/creator, and it's time to get some perspective.
I have found that there are often some obvious signs and red flags for these types of people, and because I care about my readers, I feel compelled to share those things. The following is a list of warning signs that MAY fit overly dramatic types:
1. Very few (if any) close friends, or a constant change in social circles.
2. Too much free time, or a lack of hobbies/interests/jobs/etc.
3. Seeks reassurance on everything.
4. Is always trying to force others to agree with them or take "their side".
5. Rarely has anything positive to say.
6. Thinks they are owed everything, and rarely (if ever) make an effort to do things for themselves.
7. Makes or turns every situation/topic about themselves.
8. Tries to control everything, often because they have something to hide.
9. Overly competitive with others (including friends/family/loved ones) in everyday situations.
10. Inserts themselves into conversations or situations where they don't belong.

These are just a few of the similarities I have found among dramatic people. Some of these traits can be found in non dramatic individuals as well, though generally not multiple ones. Chances are if someone has more than 1 or 2 of these characteristics, they are probably a drama seeker/creator, and you should stay away...

Readers Requests Day 4: Handmade goods and services

Today's topic was inspired by a suggestion from the lovely and talented, Shavavian, who is a loyal reader of mine, and an utterly delightful gal to boot.
She jokingly suggested I do a post of my favorite Etsy shops (wink, wink, she has one) but that got me to thinking... Are people really still unaware of my love for all things handmade? So in honor of artists and crafters everywhere, today's post is about Handmade goods and services. And since Miss Shavavian was my inspiration, it's only fitting that I give her a proper shout out. Click here to check out her stunning creations.

For those of you who may not actually know this, I am obsessed with beautiful, unique things. And what's more unique than one of a kind objects created by hand? The answer is... not very damn much. Handmade gifts go back to the dawn of time, when people created art & jewelry using things found in nature, and inspired by the beauty all around them. Over time, this has become less and less popular, and people are more apt to run to Wal-Mart for a "heartfelt" gift than to make their own. And while I can surely relate to being pressed for time, or not having the skills to create your own masterpieces, that doesn't mean that you can't still give a handmade gift. All over the world, there are immensely talented people, spending countless hours making amazing things. And these people are more than happy to share their pieces and skills with you. With the growing popularity of sites like Etsy, Pinterest, etc, these things are just a click away. From handmade clothing, hats, scarves, purses, and accessories, to all natural soaps, lotions, and more, there are countless ideas and options to choose from. Jewelry, home décor, paintings, sculpture, even local authors and musicians. All of these folks pour their heart and soul into their crafts, and they want to share it with you. And most offer additional services, that you won't find at places like Target. Personalization, customization, packaging, and gift wrapping, just to name a few. Many of which are included in the price. Now yes, some of these things cost a bit more, but as we all know, you get what you pay for. Think about it... That heirloom wooden chest in your grandparents living room has survived for over a century. The quilt your great grandmother made is still as lovely and vibrant as the day she gave it to her daughter. Good, quality pieces are made to last. Can the same be said for that cheap throw you purchased at the store? Or that blender you gave for the last bridal shower? Probably not. Heirlooms are becoming a thing of the past (no pun intended). What treasures will this next generation have to pass on?
I love the growing movement for shopping local, supporting artists, and do it yourself. I hope it continues to flourish, and that more and more people start to consider buying from craft shows, art fairs, and small, independent boutiques. I have so many talented friends, who create remarkable things. I'm blown away by their creations, and the time and effort that go into each piece. Each time I'm gifted with a handmade bounty, I can't wait to show it off to everyone. When I wear and hold these things, I can literally FEEL the love that went into it. When I curl up under the blanket that my great aunt made for me as a baby, I can't help but think of her, and smile at the odd choice of colors, and wonder how she knew that they would suit me perfectly. When I put on the sweater made by my dear friend, I see her smile, and feel her hugging me. Each morning, when I put on the friendship bracelet that my young niece made for me, I can't help but grin, and picture her proud face after she completed it. And any mother who's ever been handed a macaroni bead necklace by their small child, knows the surge of love that hits you, each time you see it in your jewelry box.
I guess the point I'm trying to make here isn't that EVERY gift needs to be handmade, or custom designed, I mean those blenders & gadgets certainly have their place. But arts and crafts are something to keep in mind. Instead of buying that hat or scarf at the store, order a unique one from a knitter. Odds are, you probably know at least one. When it comes time to shop for that baby or wedding gift, consider an heirloom item, instead of yet another wipes warmer or gravy bowl, that she is NEVER going to use anyway. And if you are a creative individual, and you have a skill to offer, think about hosting a party one night, and offer to teach your friends how to make something. Not only will it be a fun experience, but I'm willing to bet it will give them a whole new appreciation for what you actually do.
In this day of instant everything, I'm even more appreciative of the time, dedication, and love that goes into handmade items. Show these talented folks some love, and support them by purchasing their goods. Not only will you get high quality things, but odds are, you will get amazing customer service as well. And the recipient will get a one of a kind gift that shows them just how much you truly care, and something that they can cherish for a lifetime or longer...

Me, and my Berry Favorite Things booth, at a craft fair a few summers back. 

Readers Requests Day 3: What grinds my gears

Today's topic comes from one of my lovely young readers, Miss Ashlyn. She (like myself) is a big fan of the show 'Family Guy', so she suggested I do a Peter Griffin inspired "What Grinds My Gears" post. While I've done similar ones in the past, I can always think of more things that fire me up. So here are 25 things that Grind My Gears...

1. Ignorance. (This includes all forms of prejudice, racism, bias, unwarranted hate, etc.)
2. People who drive like idiots.
3. Bad tippers.
4. Basic grammar & spelling mistakes. (I mean come on... Did you fail 3rd grade?)
5. People who say Valentime's Day, pacific instead of specific, birfday, axe instead of ask, libarry, and so on. Speak English, not idiot.
6. People who use religion as an excuse for being closed-minded and judgmental.
7. Winter. (It's just too long, cold, grey, and miserable.)
8. Pants. (I CAN wear them, but I'd much rather be sans pantaloons.)
9. Imaginary paper jams. (To quote 'Office Space'... "THERE IS NO PAPER JAM!!")
10. People who wallow in self pity. (Let's make something clear, you aren't the only one with problems, so quit bitching, grow a pair, and freaking smile.)
11. Drama Queens. (It's called perspective, people. Get some.)
12. People who talk shit about the military. (I don't care what your political views/opinions are, those men & women are risking their lives to fight for YOUR freedom, and you damn well better appreciate it.)
13. Restroom stall doors that open in and not out. (Like this toilet box isn't small enough, now I practically have to step into the can just to open the door and escape.)
14. Overly nonchalant parents. (Listen, lady. I don't know what kind of happy pills you ingested, but your devil spawn is terrorizing the entire restaurant, so get the little shit under control.)
15. Things that twist to open the wrong way. (I'm talking to you Bath & Body Works wall air freshener plug-in refills. It's righty tighty, lefty loosey. Everyone knows that!)
16. The "I read it on the interwebs, so it must be true" types. (You know the ones. Too much time on their hands, and way too naïve. Keep Google-ing, and you can find an argument for anything, people. Get a clue.)
17. Animals in purses. (If you feel compelled to dress up your animal and carry it around with you at all times, I have concerns about your mental stability. It's a dog, not a doll. Also... it has 4 legs, let it use them from time to time.)
18. Fake Sharpies. (If I ask for a Sharpie, and you hand me an Office Depot Permanent Marker, I will stab you with it. THAT IS NOT A SHARPIE!)

19. Taylor Swift. (I just don't get the appeal. She's like Toddlers and Tiaras meets a 5th grade girl's diary. I'd rather hump a donkey.)
20. Raisins in cookies. (If you are going to put wrinkled up old fruit in a cookie, it should come with a clearly marked sign that says "These are NOT chocolate chips.")
21. Reality TV. (On what planet is this a reality? If you still believe that these shows are real, it's time to step out of your cave and get a life. And also... I've got a bridge to sell you.)
22. Duck face. (Ladies, ladies, ladies... there is nothing attractive about this look. NOTHING. Let's just try smiling, and see how that goes.)
23. Selfies in dirty rooms. (Listen... if you insist on posing in your bathroom and bedroom, at least make your bed, and move away from the toilet. And maybe run a vacuum...)
24. The hipster coffee pics. (OMG YOU GOT A DRINK AT STARBUCKS??? You are obviously the only person in the history of the universe to do that, you should really share it with the world. --Said no one EVER. Here's a tip: Unless an image of the Virgin Mary or Jesus showed up in your latte foam, no one cares.)
25. This.

(Ummm... car mods are great, but you don't have to do ALL of them. Maybe no one told you that. Let's tone it down a notch, shall we?)

Well folks, that's it. Twenty five things that Grind My Gears. I could go on and on with this topic, but just like with car mods and selfies.... Moderation is key.

Reader Requests Day 2: What would women tell men

Today's topic is courtesy of my friend, Ted. In his infinite humor, he suggested several topics, and while they are all good, I opted for this one. But out of fairness, the others were "Most embarrassing moment" and "Single guys guide to aphrodisiac foods". Embarrassing moments is hard, considering I grew up with four older brothers. My pride/shame was knocked out of me by age 12, so there's not too much that I get embarrassed about these days. And as for aphrodisiac foods... well, the fastest way into my pants isn't through food, and I'm happiest with Taco Bell and a cupcake, so I'm not much help in that department. So... What would women tell men it is.

While I don't consider myself a normal chick in many ways, I do (mostly) understand how the female mind works. So here are some things that I think more women wished men knew.

1. Farting is just not that funny. Seriously... your ass made noise, and now it smells like something died in the living room. HOW is that so hysterical? And while I'm on the subject, Dutch Ovens are NOT the way to turn your woman on in bed. And for those of us who have brothers, we had enough Cup a Farts to last a lifetime. Can we please grow up, guys?

2. Remember important dates. I mean come on. You aren't incapable of memorizing numbers when it comes to your fantasy football stats and the horsepower of every car known to man, so why is remembering a few dates so complicated? If you don't know your wife's birthday, your anniversary, and the dates your children were born.... at least be smart enough to put them in your Google calendar to remind you.

3. Clean up after yourself. Now I don't personally have this issue. My hubs is more OCD than I am, and that's saying something. But I often hear my girlfriends complaining about the messy men in their lives. We may love you, but we aren't your mother, or your maid, so if you make a mess, clean it up. If you take off dirty clothes, at the very least put them in the hamper. Rinsing your dishes and putting them in the dishwasher takes very little time, but saves your lady from having to nag you about it.

4. We have more than two erogenous zones. Shocking, I know. Women's bodies are sensitive in so many places, even some that you wouldn't normally think. (Backs of knees, wrists, etc.) And most women, while they might enjoy the "hot spots", they may get greater pleasure from other areas entirely. So kiss her neck and her shoulders, stroke her back and legs, massage her feet. Touch her and pay attention to how she reacts to those touches. And yes... you can still touch your favorite places, too.

5. We like it when you take charge. And I don't just mean in the bedroom. We love that you trust us to make decisions, but we don't always want to. If your wife/girlfriend asks you what you want for dinner, and you don't care. Just suggest something anyway. Because more than likely, if she's asking, it's because she doesn't care either. She is probably tired of deciding what to make day in and day out, so she just wants someone else to do it every now and again. The same goes for questions like "What do you want to do?" Just surprise us on occasion, and make a plan. Whether it's picking the movie, or the restaurant. We want you to have an opinion. And don't worry... if it's the wrong opinion, we'll surely let you know.

6. You can't fix everything. Sometimes when we are venting to you, we aren't asking you to do anything other than listen. This means don't offer advice, don't tell us "Well if you had just done what I told you to do, this wouldn't have happened." or anything else. Odds are, we already know that. Sometimes we just want you to listen, and really hear us. And sometimes... we just need a hug.

7. Hygiene is crucial. Women want a clean guy. Does this mean we don't ever expect you to get dirty? Hardly. In all honesty, a man getting dirty can be a real turn on. But if you are taking us out, don't show up in your dirty clothes, and smelling ripe. And before you get all "But I'm a MAN!" on me, I'm talking the basics. Shower, shave, trim your ear and nose hairs (seriously... if you can see them, so can everyone else) put on deodorant, and a touch of cologne. Keep your nails neat and trimmed, and for the love of everything holy, you should have TWO eyebrows. Get your shit together, fellas.

These are just some of the things women want men to know. Everyone is different though, so I'm sure you could ask any woman on the street and get a slew of other responses. When in doubt... just ask her. She may actually tell you.

Reader Requests Day 1: Message to my younger self

I recently posed a question to my readers, to ask if there were any topics they would like to see me cover here. The lovely Miss Rachel suggested this topic. What would you tell your younger self?
Talk about a loaded question...
Hindsight is always 20/20, that we know. So it's easy to look back on your past and see missed opportunities, mistakes, and more. Ideally, we hope to learn from those things, and continue to grow and improve. I like to think that the choices we make develop us into the people we are supposed to be, and that the paths we take guide us to the right roads. Even if that path isn't always a direct, smooth, clearly marked trail. But what if we could go back? What if we could follow a wrinkle in time, and tell our younger selves 10 things? What would they be? Here is what I would tell myself...

1. Don't underestimate yourself so much. You ARE capable of great things, you just have to believe you are. There is no shame in failing, only in not trying. And I would tell myself to repeat this over and over, until I believed it.

2. Take more risks. This is funny because as a reckless, stubborn teen, I thought I took so many risks. And I did, but I should and could have taken more. Whether it's dating someone you normally wouldn't, trying out a new hairstyle, spontaneous traveling, or just taking more leaps of faith, there are always worthwhile risks to take.

3. Do better in school. Education is important, but as a kid, you underestimate just how important, until it's too late. We make excuses, and think we can just "figure it out" later. Until later arrives, and you realize it's too late to go back and fix it now.  

4. Love your body. If I could go back and tell my 16 year old self to take off that t-shirt, and proudly rock that bikini, I SO would. We spend so much of our lives hating our bodies, and by the time we figure out how to love them, the best parts could be long gone. (Abs of steel, I'm referring to you.)

5. Take good photographs. In this day and age of selfies, and cell phone cameras, that advice seems silly. But in my youth, I didn't carry around a camera 24-7, and while some moments were captured too well (there goes my political career) other moments went by without any fanfare. We all like to think we'll remember everything forever, but the truth is... memories fade, people leave, and moments are forgotten over time. Photos are a legacy we leave behind, and treasures we share. Take good ones, you'll be grateful you have them someday.

6. Spend more time with your grandparents. I saw mine often as a kid, but then you hit your teen years, and you get "too busy" to attend all those "boring" family functions. While I have many wonderful memories with my grandparents, I could have more, and I wish I did. Since their passing, I have learned so many interesting facts about their lives, and I wish I had taken more time just to sit and talk to them.

7. Go to more museums, concerts, and cultural events. I've always appreciated the arts, in all forms, but I often overlooked opportunities to experience them because I thought there was something more exciting to do. Regardless of where you live, there are always places to enjoy history and culture, and you will have more time in your younger years to do these things, and it will open up your world in ways you did not know were possible.

8. Try new things. Foods, music, fashions, jobs, hobbies, and more. It is so easy to get stuck in a comfortable rut, and before you know it, you refuse to wear anything that isn't blue, or eat at restaurants that don't serve burgers and fries. It doesn't matter if you hate it, it only matters that you tried it, and allowed yourself to have the experience.

9. Learn to play an instrument. For years my mother tried to get my brothers and I to take music lessons, and we adamantly refused. (Though my one brother did do school band for a few years, I'm not sure he learned much more than how to rudely wake us up using his trumpet.) Music is medicine to the soul, and the creative part of me wishes I could sit down at a piano, or pick up a fiddle, and express myself through beautiful melodies. It will never hurt you to learn to play music, so even if it is just to start a garage band, and dream of becoming famous... do it.

10. Volunteer more. I've always loved volunteering, and helping others, and for many years, I did it quite regularly. But then you hit a certain age, where charity becomes something easy to blow off to spend more time with your friends. And as an adult, it's often hard to make time to do this if you aren't in the habit of it. Giving back is so important, and it gives you great perspective on life.

I'm sure there are many, more profound things I should tell myself, but these are things I often still find myself struggling with, or thinking about as an adult. And I'm sure this list would vary from person to person, based off of experiences. Many lessons most people don't learn until much later in life, I learned early on, so if you don't see them on this list, it's because my teen (and 20 something) self already knew them. And years from now, if I make a list to my younger (30-40 something) self, I'm certain it will be very different too.

Relationship Realness

Let me start by stating that I have been in a happily committed relationship for 16 years. Basically, my relationship can now drive. Meaning... I know a thing or two about healthy, long term romance. And I feel like sometimes marriage and commitment get a bad rap. I realize that after some time, the shimmer and new love smell fades, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are numerous perks to being in a relationship for an extended amount of time. So before you weep over your lost bachelorhood, or pine for your swinging singles days, think about these blissful benefits....

1. Your partner can reach all those places you can't. Got that itch you just can't reach? Your spouse can! Or how about that weird growth on your back that you worry may have sprouted a friend. Your mate can take a peek, and tell you if it's time to get it checked out, or give it a name. Whether it's removal of unwanted body hair, needing a pimple popped, or you just like your creepy toes rubbed, your partner has got you covered.

2. No more embarrassment over normal body functions. Sorry to burst your bubble, fellas, but us ladies do occasionally have to burp, fart, and poop. And when nature calls, you can't ignore it for long. Being in a relationship means you can follow where your body takes you. Even if that journey is a mad dash to the can for explosive diarrhea. And you don't even have to pretend you were just powdering your nose. You just turn on the fan, close the door, and keep the air freshener handy in case your partner needs to pop in for a towel, or a bar of soap.

3. No wasted words. If you've been with your spouse for a good amount of time, more than likely, you know what they are often thinking. This means you can have full conversations with very few words actually spoken. Now this may sound useless to some, but if you've ever tried to talk to someone while brushing your teeth, running out the door in a hurry, or half asleep, you know how convenient this actually is.

4. You can be as freaky as you want. While some folks might think that after being together for a long time, the sex gets boring, us relationship people know that the opposite is often true. The longer you're together, the more comfortable you are, which means you can share your deepest, darkest sexual desires with one another. And if your husband doesn't look as sexy in your bra & panties as you'd hoped... no harm no foul. You always know the tried and true ways to please each other. And who doesn't appreciate a well earned high five after a good orgasm??

5. You can spend the day in your pajamas, and unshowered. With zero f*cks given. Now I don't suggest doing this often, I'm a firm believer in putting your best foot forward, even if that foot isn't going any further than the sofa. But we all deserve the occasional pants free day now and again. And who better to spend it with than the person who knows exactly what snacks to grab you from the kitchen, and thinks you're adorable, even while you're rocking your Elmer's Glue facial mask?

6. Having a fellow passenger on the crazy train. We all have our crazy. Albeit some more than others, but still... Having someone that not only accepts your weirdness, and thinks it's charming, but JOINS you in it. And willingly. Now that is a perk, my friend. Good luck telling that guy on date three that you like to dress up garden gnomes, and give them names and backstories. He'll be gone faster than you can say "Red flag." and you'll go home to cry to your pointy hatted little friends.

7. Endless support. Life is full of drama, bad luck, and bullshit. Some days are just going to suck. And while friends are great, they can't always be there. So having someone to come home to every day, and share in the miseries, and the joys... that's the greatest perk of all. If you are lucky enough to share your life with someone who loves you in spite of all your flaws, stands by you through thick and thin, and can't wait to rip your clothes off of you, even after all this time... be grateful.
So the next time your friend is bragging about the steamy one night stand she had with the sexy bartender from the club, just smile, and know that if she was really lucky, you wouldn't be the one holding her hair back while she puked up all those free appletinis.  

I know I am a lucky gal, because I get to share my life with this amazing man. He truly is my best friend, and my partner in crime, and I don't know where I would be without him.

Photo credit: Photography by Tonya Hauxwell

(check her out here)

Grow Up...

People often mistake age with maturity, and that is far from accurate. I've known MANY people well past the age of adulthood who still act like children. And this is coming from a chick who dresses up gnomes & dinosaurs and builds blanket forts on a regular basis. I may do some childish things at times (ok, a lot of times) but I also know how to be a grown up. Don't let the LEGOS and tea sets fool you, I am first and foremost an adult. So what does "Being a grown up." mean? Well here's what it means to me:

It means taking responsibility for your actions. As a child, you want to make excuses, and blame everyone else for what happens to you, but as an adult, you should know better. You may not be able to control everything that happens to you, but you certainly can control how you react to it. As an adult, you understand that your actions have consequences. Will you still make mistakes? Of course! But you will own them, and learn from them. It means when you make poor decisions, you have no one to blame but yourself, and it is your responsibility to make the necessary changes needed to move forward. As an adult, you understand that the world doesn't owe you anything, and if you want something, you better be willing to work for it.

It means not letting money burn a hole in your pocket. Children get money, and can't wait to spend it. Adults think carefully about budgets, the future, and needs vs. wants. You may want a new gadget, but do you really need it? And sure, sometimes casual spending is fine. After all, you can't take it with you. But if you can't pay your rent, bills, etc, than you certainly don't need new $100 shoes, or a $50 toy. Adults often go without things they want in the moment, because they know there are things they NEED now.

It means taking care of your property, and respecting the property of others. If you are an adult with a filthy house, a trashed car, and ruined gadgets, you need to grow up. Cleaning up after yourself, and being careful with expensive items is basic maturity. Adults know that money doesn't grow on trees, and how many hours they had to work to pay for something, so they take care of what they have. Adults want to live in a clean/healthy environment, so they put things away after they use them, make their beds, and clean their dishes.

It means knowing how to say no. And doing it. This is a hard one for many people, even adults, so here is my advice. Start small. Try saying no to a co-worker when they ask to switch shifts, or to a fellow mom when she asks if you can watch her kid for another hour. And don't offer an excuse. Just say no. Then you can move on to bigger things, like saying no to plans that you really don't want to do, or when that relative wants to stay with you for a week. But saying no really is a big part of being a grown up. There will be many times in your life when you will need to be able to maturely decline something.

It means making sacrifices and doing things for others. Children don't like to share toys, or do things that aren't "fun", but adults often have to. Compromise is a big part of being a mature adult. You will need to do this at work, in relationships, and with children. Adults understand that we can't always get or do exactly what we want, and that sometimes the needs of others must come before our own. Tough decisions are just part of the grown up territory.

It means you may not be the last to leave the party anymore. Sure, adults can still have a good time, and maybe even have TOO good of a time. But more often than not, you will have other obligations to think about (kids, jobs, etc) that will force you to keep your head (at least partially) in the game, and send you home still fully clothed, and before the after party.

It means understanding that there really is a time and place for everything. Listen, I'm an adult, and I like sex just as much as (if not more than) the next guy. But I also know that watching porn on my work computer is probably not the best idea. Being an adult means having people take you seriously. If you walk around bragging about how drunk or high you were last night, while at church/the office/your mom's birthday party, odds are, you have some growing up to do. Tact and decorum are signs of maturity.

Now before anyone gets all bent out of shape and butt hurt about this, remember... these are just my opinions. If you live in utter filth, drink til you puke every night, get busted having sex in the office supply room, and still go to work every day, pay your bills, support your kids, are in a healthy relationship, AND show up on time, clean and well dressed for your grandparents anniversary party... Mad props. You obviously have the secret to life figured out, and we should all worship you and your infinite wisdom.

The Lesson

The Lesson
(What My Grandfather Taught Me)

-Written in June 2003-

 

Of all the things I've learned,

and all that's left to go...

There is one thing that stands out,

one thing we all should know.

This simple fact of life,

is one to keep in mind,

and it is so important,

(good advice is hard to find.)

So here is one big lesson

that I've learned in all my years;

Life is filled with moments,

some with laughter, some with tears.

But if in every moment,

you learn a thing or two,

and take with you those lessons

in all you ever do,

than you can also share

in this secret that I know

that life's too short for sadness,

and some things we can't control.

So try hard not to worry

and never fret or pout,

but live for every moment

and make those moments count!

So smile at every stranger,

and hug all those you meet...

for you never know

when your time here is complete.

So when you leave this Earth

(and let's hope our time is long)

leave behind this lesson

for those who carry on.

For if each life is lived

with faith and hope and love,

than we've all learned this lesson,

sent from up above.

--Dedicated to my "Papa"
Robert Cowdrey

August 4, 1929 - March 4, 2003

By: Teena M. Hauxwell-Finn

 

I wrote this a few months after losing my grandfather, and I recently stumbled upon it in a drawer. I'm amazed at how much alike my son and my grandpa were. They both had such amazing views of the world, and could always see the silver lining. I hope they are together in the Heavens, and I hope I can always do my best to honor the lessons they both taught me. If I can leave behind even a fraction of the joy and beauty that they did, I'll consider it a job well done. So smile, my friends. Find happiness in the little things, cherish each day, and be good to yourselves and one another. Much love...

 



New Year's Resolutions

Personally, I am not a fan of New Year's Resolutions. I am all for wanting to better yourself, but I don't understand waiting for a specific timeframe to do it in. If you want to be better, just be better. Why wait til the new year? But since people seem to be obsessed with this idea, I thought I'd offer some resolutions we should all be following. You're welcome.

1. Don't be an asshole. You'd think this would be common sense, but let's be honest... it's not. Maybe they're having a bad day, maybe they ran out of the soft toilet paper, or maybe they just hate you. Whatever the reason, some people can be real jerks. Whether it's a rude driver, an impatient restaurant goer, or a facebook comment Nazi, these folks are out there. And if you are one of them, stop it. We all have bad days, struggles, and issues, but taking them out on the rest of the world will not solve your problems, I promise. So cheer the hell up, and quit being an asshat.
2. Learn to drive. This applies to everyone. If you cannot park your giant beast of a vehicle, merge into traffic, stay in your lane, follow basic driving laws, and freaking wave when someone lets you in.... YOU NEED TO LEARN TO DRIVE. If you don't think this applies to you, yet someone flips you off at least once a day whilst driving... it probably applies to you.
3. Learn patience. The world does not revolve around you, believe it or not, so sometimes you may need to wait. Accept this and learn to deal with it. Teach it to your children from a young age, because they will need this virtue also. In this era of instant everything, we are becoming very impatient, and the younger generations are even worse. This makes for very unkind and inconsiderate people. Slow down, and hold your damn horses.
4. Accept yourself. Instead of worrying so much about what the rest of the world thinks of you, worry more about what YOU think of yourself. Are you happy with what you see in the mirror? If the answer is no, ask yourself why. Is it because someone else says it's not ideal? Or is it because you know you can be better? Do what makes you happy, be who you are, not who you think people want you to be. Stop waiting for someone else to make you happy, and start making yourself happy.
5. Be honest. Not once in awhile, not when you feel like it, but all the time. Be honest with others, and with yourself. Live an honest life, not a false ideal. No one is perfect, and you are no exception. If you try to convince the world of your perfection, you will only make your imperfections more obvious. To err is human. We are all flawed. But to own those things makes you a better person, and helps you grow. Don't hide from your mistakes, learn from them. It all begins with honesty.
6. Show compassion. We live in an ever changing world. A world filled with many different beliefs, cultures, and opinions. This means that we will each be asked to deal with something we may or may not agree with from time to time. Instead of living in fear of what we don't know or understand, be compassionate to others way of living and/or thinking. This doesn't mean you must agree, it just means you can disagree kindly and quietly. We all know what it feels like to be judged, and it's not a good feeling, so quit doing it to others. Someday, you may be on the unpopular side of things, and you'll appreciate the courtesy.
7. Quit being so damn sensitive. I can't be the only one who's noticed an increase in whiny, overdramatic, hypersensitive people. Get over yourselves already. Put on your big girl panties, grow a pair, and quit your bitching. Sometimes, life sucks. That is a fact. But the more you complain about it, the worse you make it. And stop taking everything so personally. Some people are just assholes (see #1) and nothing you say or do will change that, so stop letting them get to you. Life can be hard, unfair, and shitty sometimes. But it can also be great, so suck it up, and try and see the bright side.

These are just a few things I think we can all benefit from in the new year. Add these to your list, and please put in more effort with these than you do with your resolution to diet or go to the gym. Happy 2014, folks.