Never Enough Rally

Over the weekend, I went to a movie premiere for a documentary about rally. The film is called 'Easier Said Than Done' and if you haven't heard of it, you MUST go check it out. (Here is the website, PLEASE go take a peek.)
This is a film by Matt Johnston, and he did an amazing job making a documentary that doesn't just tell you what rally racing is, but gives you an insiders look at the lives and stories of some of the people that make up this incredible motor sport.
I cannot say enough great things about this film, and I strongly suggest, no... I BEG you, to buy the DVD when it is released on October 2nd. You will not be disappointed. Though, I do think that it should come with a warning. "Caution: May cause you to become addicted." But you'll have to take that up with him.
 
My hubs and I have been a part of the rally world in a fairly small way for a relatively short time now, and I can honestly tell you that I cannot imagine my life without it. We have been fans for many years, but only recently did we actually take steps to make our dreams of rally a reality. (This is a long story, and if you want to know more, read my post With Thanks, From Team Finn.)
I've talked about rally before, and as I've said, explaining to others what rally is can be a difficult task. There's the obvious description, "You drive fast. And you do it on dirt, mud, ice, gravel, etc." but that just doesn't seem to be enough. Because when you are a part of the rally world, it is SO MUCH MORE. It is truly a lifestyle. Some people save up money for vacations, designer shoes, etc. When you live a rally lifestyle, if you have an extra $10 in your budget, you are probably online, buying some car part with it. And let's be honest, your rally car has probably come before groceries at least once. While my friends are out drooling over handbags, and getting manicures, I'm geeked out over new suspension, or tires. While others book cruises to exotic lands, I'm researching campsites and cheap hotels in the middle of nowhere-ville, and hoping there's at least one cell phone tower within 50 miles of it. But you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything. Why? Because that's rally. It sucks you in, and you can't get enough. You barely finish one event before you are counting down to the next one. And don't even get me started on the people. You want to meet some of the most kind, generous, funny, good hearted, genuine folks you will ever know? Come to a rally event. Whether you are a driver, crew member, volunteer, or spectator, I promise you, you will leave there with no less than 10 new best friends. Rally people are absolutely amazing. It is a family. There is no such thing as a stranger. Every person in rally has their own unique story. Something that brought them to the sport. And more often than not, these individuals have struggled to get where they are. This makes them more understanding and compassionate than most. And it shows. The friends we have made in rally have become some of the closest people in our lives. It doesn't matter if you've known them a week, or for years, there is an instant connection that is undeniable. Whether you see them often, or only at events, these friends would be there if you needed them. No questions asked. It's an unspoken bond of camaraderie that defies all explanation. It is rally. This is what makes it so addictive.
It's hard to sell someone on rally who hasn't ever experienced it. How would you like to spend 4 days in a shitty hotel room, with 8 other people, in the middle of nowhere? But wait... there's more! You'll have to get up early, spend your days getting dirty, sweaty (or freeze your ass off) muddy and wet. You'll walk miles into the woods to see 5 minutes of action, or sit at a service area for hours on end, only to see all your previous hard work destroyed, fix it and send it off to be broken yet again. You'll be stressed out for a good portion of the time there, you'll be running on little to no sleep, and the cost of the trip is coming out of your own pocket. This is where the phrase "You just had to be there." must have come from. Because any sane, reasonable person would avoid this at all costs, but rally folks can't wait to do it. And you know what? It's worth it. But unless you've been there, seen it, and experienced it, you wouldn't believe it.

So for those of you who haven't experienced it, and think maybe you want to, I urge you to check out 'Easier Said Than Done'. If this flick doesn't make you want to build a car, join a team, or pack your bags and head off to the nearest event... There's no hope for you.

Thank you to M.Campbell Photography for this pic.

(Check him out here)

Some Things Grief Has Taught Me...

In the year since losing our son, I have learned many lessons. Most of which, I would rather not have. But as usual... Grief has a plan of its own.
So here are a few things that Grief has taught me:

*Some things just aren't that big of a deal.
Sometimes in life, we find ourselves thoroughly overwhelmed. Jobs, kids, money, drama, etc, etc, etc. We tend to think that these relatively minor stresses are so much bigger than they really are. Until suddenly, something happens that puts it into perspective. Suddenly that pile of laundry isn't the end of the world. That mess the kids made is just a slight inconvenience, not the be all, end all. Your annoying boss is a pain, yes, but you get to leave work at some point. When grieving the loss of your only child, NOTHING even comes close. Nothing. And it is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It isn't temporary, it isn't fixable, and it isn't avoidable. Then you add all those everyday annoyances and inconveniences on top of it. So yeah... some things are just not that big of a deal.

*Some people aren't worth your time.
As awful as that sounds, it is the truth. We all have these people in our lives. The toxic, negative ones that are always bringing you down. Yet for some reason, we continue to allow them to hold a place in our lives. Well not anymore. Life is a constant struggle for me now. I have to fight for each smile and laugh. I have to make a choice to try and be happy, and it is far from easy. Having people in my life who consistently make it harder or impossible is not an option anymore. I can't allow it.

*I am not worth everyone's time.
Yes... This goes both ways. When you hit rock bottom, and you are at your worst, some people will walk away. They will not understand or be patient. They will not know how to deal with you. I have accepted this. The first few times it happened, it hurt me, but now I understand that not everyone is capable of dealing with difficult times. I try not to take it personally, and I do not force anyone to be a part of my life that does not want to be. Grief has taught me who my true friends (and family) are.

*There is unbelievable kindness in the world.
So often in life, we focus on the bad. We see only our problems, and not our blessings. Well when you are drowning in Grief, and struggling for a way out, you start to see things differently. You find yourself seeking out the good. It is the only way out of the constant darkness. And it IS out there. Since losing Zachary, we have been amazed at the outpouring of decency and support. From loved ones, and from strangers. Nearly every day, I am surprised by an unexpected (and much appreciated) act of pure, unselfish kindness. I am blown away by it, and I couldn't be more grateful for it.

*Life is too short.
I hear people say this all the time, but I'm not sure they truly get it. I'm not sure I genuinely understood it until we lost our son. Now I certainly do. When your life is ripped apart in a matter of moments, you learn this lesson quickly. And you don't forget it. In one instant everything was gone. And it really can happen to anyone. The future is not promised. Just because you make plans, doesn't mean life will allow you to keep them. So live in the now. Make time for what matters, sooner than later. Say I love you. Often. Count your blessings, and don't sweat the small stuff. Do what makes you happy, and do your best to make others happy, too.

*Leave a legacy.
When our son passed away, we heard countless stories of how he touched the lives of others. We are still hearing new stories all the time. Zach truly was a light in this world, and anyone who knew him can vouch for that. He will forever be remembered for his kindness, generosity, and for all the goodness he brought into the lives of those who knew him.
How will you be remembered? Each day you live could be your last chance to leave your legacy. If today was your last day, what would your legacy be? Would it be someone who left smiles and laughter everywhere they went? Or would it be someone who was never happy, never satisfied, and always bitter? Be conscious of your actions and your attitudes, they are going to be someone's memories of you one day.

9-11: A New Perspective

Like nearly all of us, I remember exactly where I was on September 11, 2001. I remember in vivid detail the scene playing out live on the television in front of me. I remember thinking "Is this for real?" and then wondering what I should be doing. I remember calling Dan to see if he had heard, and I remember debating whether or not to go pick Zachary up from school. I remember all of it.
Now... all these years later, I think about it differently. I think about the families of the people involved. I think about the horror of not knowing if they were ok, and the absolute heartbreak of finding out that so many didn't make it. But I especially think about the parents who lost children that day...
When it happened, my heart broke for them. I couldn't imagine the pain that they felt. But now... I can. I know how they felt to reach out for a child that was no longer there. I know how their souls shattered into a million pieces, never to fit together the same way again. I understand that inescapable sorrow and agony that comes with hearing the news that your child is gone forever. I know, and my heart breaks anew.
I also know that while the rest of the world talked terrorism and war, they heard nothing but the sounds of their universe falling apart around them. While we listened for the roar of engines in the sky, they yearned for the sound of a child's laugh... just one more time.
The world suffered a tragedy that day, that much is true. But the families who lost loved ones, they suffered so much more.
While we may remember today, they are reliving it each and every day. While we share photos of burning towers on our facebook walls and twitter feeds, they are clutching photos of their sons and daughters, and wishing for just one more day. One more smile. One more I love you...
Yes, today is a national day of remembrance for all of us, and we should share our stories, thank the heroes, and pray it never happens again. But I also think we need to remember that this is a terrible, awful anniversary for so, so many, and we need to be respectful of that. We need to remember that the victims were someone's child, spouse, parent, or friend. Not just a number.
So take a moment today, and go to this link [Names of the victims] to acknowledge that. Then go home and kiss your spouse, and hug your children tight, and tell them how much you love them. And be grateful that you still can.

Let's Talk About Sex

In the words of Salt-N-Pepa, let's talk about sex.
S. E. X. Three letters that cause more blushing, embarrassment and giggles than a virgin on a first date. And why is that? Why is talking about something as TOTALLY NATURAL as sex so... unnerving to folks? Why is this subject so taboo? We aren't 10 year olds looking up horny in the dictionary anymore. We are adults. Adults who think about sex. Adults who... wait for it.... HAVE SEX! And if you aren't having sex, more than likely, you wish you were. This isn't the 40's or 50's. It's 2013, and sex is everywhere you look. It's on TV and movies, it's in the ads for your favorite car and perfume, it's in the books we read. It's in music, and not just rap music. Even country stars are singing about it now. We are bombarded with sex, yet it is somehow still whispered about in hushed tones, and treated like a mystery. Well no more!! As of today, I am shouting it from the rooftops. I LOVE SEX, AND YOU SHOULD TOO! Yup, you read that right. I love sex. Love it. Can't get enough of it. And do you want to know what else? I'm not ashamed to say that. Nope. Not even a little bit. I am a happily committed adult female, and I love sex. My hubs and I have an amazing sex life, and that is something I am very proud of. It makes us closer, more intimate and more connected emotionally and physically. And in the 15+ years we have been together, it has only gotten better. Not possible, you say? Yes it is. You want to know how and why? Because we talk about it. Sex has never been a secret subject in our house. We discuss it at length and often. Our likes and dislikes, our fantasies and concerns, all of it. We aren't afraid to try new things, and if something isn't working, we talk about why that is. I am often amazed at couples who can discuss bowel movements, hemorrhoids, and menstruation, but treat sex as something "inappropriate". Wake up people! Sex is a good thing! It's healthy, natural and oh so enjoyable. I 100% believe that you cannot have a truly good and lasting marriage without it. If couples were to be genuinely honest, I'd be willing to bet that sexual related issues (be it lack of, or quality of, etc) are very high on the list of reasons for failed or failing relationships. This needs to end. We need to stop treating sex like the horny elephant in the room. So listen up. Stop blushing and start talking.
*Ladies: It's ok to like sex. This doesn't make you a slut. It makes you a healthy human being, with totally normal desires. As long as you act on those desires in a safe and intelligent manner... rock on. And ladies, stop hating on porn and strip clubs. Don't knock it til you've tried it, ok. You might be surprised. Also, if you don't own one already, go buy a sex toy. I'm serious. They are magical. You can use it alone, or with a partner, and odds are, you won't be disappointed either way. While I'm on the subject... masturbate. Often. This is how you discover what you like and dislike. How can you show or tell a partner what gets you excited if you have no idea yourself. It's your body, learn how it works.
*Guys: You aren't the only ones who enjoy sex. Women do too. A lot. So don't hesitate to initiate it, even when you "think" she might not want it. Worse case, she tells you she doesn't. Best case, she does. Do you get what I'm saying here? Keep in mind, that by initiate, I don't mean ask "So... do you wanna do it?" As romantic as that is (yeah, that was sarcasm) it rarely puts a woman in the mood. Foreplay is crucial for women. There are women who reach full satisfaction from intercourse, but most need more. So spend a little time, and get to know her hot spots. Trust me, it will be worth the effort. Also, ask her what she wants, what she likes, and if there are things she wants to try. There probably are. And don't hesitate to tell her what gets you excited as well. Great sex is a team effort, and both players should be in the game.
*Everyone: There is nothing wrong with talking about sex. If you are too embarrassed to discuss it, you shouldn't be doing it. Plain and simple. Stop making excuses for why you can't or shouldn't be doing it. If you are with a clean and consensual partner, in a healthy situation, have at it. If you are married, or have been together a long time, that's not an excuse to not be doing it either. If you can find or make time for laundry and trash TV, you can make time for sex. If you need a spark, try something new. Go to a nice strip club together, watch some porn, try adding toys to the mix. Maybe you like it a little on the kinky side. That's ok too. If your partner is willing and able... get your freak on. The point it, sex is a good thing. People who have regular sex are happier and healthier overall, and who doesn't want to be happier and healthier??

Grief Do's and Don'ts

I never really thought too much about how to deal with someone suffering a great loss, until I was the one suffering. Then I got a crash course in it. 
When we lost our son, it occurred to me that the average person has no idea how to help. It isn't that they don't want to help, it's just that they have no clue what to do. And unfortunately, when you are in the midst of Grief, you aren't in a very good position to tell them, either. So I decided that it's time someone shared some helpful information on the subject. Now, keep in mind, this is just my opinion, so take it or leave it.

*DO- Be there for them. Hug them, hold their hand, sit quietly with them, let them know you love them.
*DON'T- Tell them you understand, unless you have actually been in their shoes. 
*DO- Bring over meals (even if they say they aren't hungry, they will need to eat, and are more likely to do so if it is made and right in front of them)
*DON'T- Offer trite words, like "It'll be ok in time." or "God only gives you what you can handle." or "There's a reason for everything." etc, etc, etc. Trust me, that is NOT what they want or need to hear, and it does not make them feel any better. 
*DO- Acknowledge their loss. 
*DON'T- Pretend like it didn't happen, or think that ignoring it will make it go away. If dealing with death makes you uncomfortable, imagine how they are feeling. Suck it up, and make an effort. 
*DO- Respect their wishes. Everyone grieves differently, so if they say they need some time or space, give it to them. 
*DON'T- Expect them to be over it, just because you are. 
*DO- Continue to check in, and ask how they are doing. Grief (especially when you lose a child.) is forever, not just during the funeral. 
*DON'T- Stop inviting them to things, and including them in special events. They may opt out for awhile, but the choice should be theirs, and they shouldn't feel left out just because you didn't know how to deal with them. 
*DO- Be patient. Grieving parents are dealing with emotions and issues that you cannot imagine. And anything can trigger a response. Please don't take it personal.
*DON'T- Expect too much. If you are waiting to see the person you knew before the loss, you may be waiting a long time. Grief changes people, so be prepared to deal with those changes if you want that person in your life.
*DO- Offer condolences, sympathy and empathy. They are appreciated, even long after the loved one has passed. 
*DON'T- Pity them. Yes, they suffered a great loss, but they are trying to be normal again, so treat them that way. 
*DO- Talk about their loved one. Share stories, photos and memories. Say their name. These things mean more to them than you'll ever know.
*DON'T- Act like their loved one never existed. Trust me, you aren't reminding them of their loss, they haven't forgotten it. 
*DO- Let them talk about their loved one. 
*DON'T- Shy away from it or change the subject. They need to share their memories, and if you care about them, you should listen.
*DO- Remember special days, and anniversaries. Send a note, or call them, or do something special to honor their loved one. 
*DON'T- Judge them. Grief is as unique as the individuals suffering, and until you have walked in their shoes, you have no right to make assumptions. Just because someone isn't crying, doesn't mean they aren't in pain. Sometimes a smile, a laugh or a joke is covering a broken soul, not a cold heart. 

Bottom line is this... Grief is hard. It's hard on the ones suffering, and it's hard on those trying to help. You are going to say or do the wrong thing from time to time, and that's ok. If you are sincere in your concern, and you are making an effort, they will see that, and love you for it. And when in doubt... just give them a hug.