Triggers can be anything, and they can come from anywhere. Some are like a punch to the gut, and others can leave you crying uncontrollably. They strike without warning, and make navigating through life a very scary and unnerving situation. This is why falling into the "Black Hole of Grief" (read more about that here) is so easy and tempting for many grieving parents. To be able to block out the world, and all the painful triggers, can seem like a welcome reprieve from the constant struggle. Grief effects every aspect of your life. Not even during sleep (if you are afforded that luxury) are you free from it. Your dreams/nightmares are often haunted with reminders of your loss. And every waking moment is filled with pain. Physical, and emotional. You learn to compartmentalize your emotions, and you begin to function again. But you cannot block yourself off entirely. This is where triggers come into play...
Triggers come in so many forms, I could spend a week listing them all. And each individual is different, so their triggers are as well. Here are some examples from my personal collection:
*Movies & TV shows are always filled with trigger moments. From the funny father/son moments, to the happy new grandparents, and anything in between.
*Commercials are always good for striking a nerve. From the car ads talking about keeping your child safe, to the stressed out moms in minivans.
*Music. I used to LOVE music. Rarely went long without listening to it. Now I find myself driving or working in silence, rather than risk hearing a song that will rip open my heart, and leaving me crying at a stop light. (Yes, this has happened.)
*Stores. Like seeing his favorite snack on sale, and reaching for it, only to realize at the last moment that you don't have a reason to buy that anymore.
*Holidays and specific days can be triggers for numerous reasons.
*Social events are now like walking in a mine field. You never know when someone will say or do something that could set you off. From totally casual remarks about their children, to benign questions that can create an awkward and painful moment for all parties involved.
*Family gatherings. While you still want to be around your loved ones, being with large groups of people (related or not) is an invitation for triggers.
*Reading. Another once beloved pastime that is now riddled with triggers.
*Public outings are always tricky. You never know what you will see or hear.
*Social Media/Internet. Try casually scrolling through your news feed and seeing photos & videos of car accidents and not have it effect you. Not to mention the regular everyday things, like parental rants/brags, family photos, and more.
I could go on for days, but the point is, triggers can be anywhere, at any time. Sometimes I can go several hours without one, and sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, I am being assaulted with them, and there is no escape. Whatever pride I once had, was lost somewhere between crying over a bag of cheezballs at the grocery store, and apologizing to a dear friend for my angry reaction to their totally normal "stressed out mom" remark.
Life after losing a child is never the same. But I don't think people truly understand what that means. There have been times when I have had to cancel plans, leave early, and excuse myself from situations for what appears to be no reason. And while over time, I have become better at controlling it, there is no guarantee. This is all just part of our "new normal", and something I hope our friends and loved ones can try to understand.
The Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization that offers help to parents who
have lost a child. To find out more about them, check out their website here.
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