In Response To...

Yesterday, my friend Wendy shared with me a blog post that I think would strike a nerve for many people. She clearly knew that I would have plenty to say in response to it, and she specifically requested I blog said response.
Normally, I wouldn't directly respond to another blog. As bloggers, we understand that what we write is basically a diary made public. We know that for every one person who appreciates what we say, there are hundreds more haters out there ready to send us nasty feedback. But after much thought, I've decided to honor Wendy's request, and respond to it. Not as a hater, but as someone with a very different perspective on the matter. For those of you curious, please take a few moments, and read the post to which I am referring.

(My Husband Doesn't Need To See Your Boobs)

Here is my response:

Dear Lauren,
It is obvious to me, and anyone who read your post, that you have some very deep seated insecurities. While I know that you stated very clearly that you weren't judging or hating, I can't help but feel as though that is exactly what you were doing. Albeit, wrapped in a polite manner, but judging none the less.
It is also incredibly obvious that you and your husband have some serious issues that you need to work out. I'd like to address some things about your post that I think you might benefit from seeing another perspective on.

"If I was skinny with rock-hard abs and legs from here to Mexico, I’d want to take lots of pictures of myself. Mostly naked. I would want to post them with a nice filter on Instagram, and share them with whoever might see."

What I hear when I read this is someone who is very unhappy/uncomfortable in their own skin. Someone with lifelong insecurities that is desperately trying to fit into some mold that she THINKS the world wants to see. Someone who is judging every female she sees, and comparing herself to them. Someone who has not truly accepted that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Someone who wishes that the rest of the women in the world would hide themselves in order to make HER feel better about herself. Are you suggesting that if you did look like the person you described, this post would not even be necessary? Because that is how it sounds.

"When I scroll through my news feed, my thumb moves in a continuous circular motion until something catches my eye and I want to look closer. And then I tap on the picture and make that little swipe with my thumb and pointer finger so I can zoom in just as close as I can to capture all the details.
I’m especially bad about this when there is a line of bathing suits in the pic. AND I’M A GIRL.
Mostly I’m looking at your legs asking myself, How are there seriously people without cellulite????"

Reading this, I can't help but first think that you should find a hobby, because you clearly have too much time on your hands. Zooming in on photos of female bodies to examine them for flaws says much more about your character than it does about the character of the females in question. If you see a photo of an attractive young woman in a swimsuit or scantily clad outfit, and you can't keep from zooming in and "capturing all the details" the problem in this scenario is you. Not the girls in the photos.

"After Memorial Day, I noticed so much skin on social media that I half-yelled a warning to him as I ran out the door one morning. It’s summertime, honey! Beware the beach pics and half nude girls on Instagram! And like that, he was in solitary confinement from all virtual community for the next two days."

All I can say to this is wow. So basically your husband has so little self control that you have to preview the internet for him to warn him if it is safe for his eyes. You do realize how insane that sounds, right? We live in a world bombarded with images of sex and sensuality. TV, movies, magazines, books, etc. Like it or not, that is the time that we exist in. If your husband is so weak that he cannot even see an image of bare skin without it creating a problem in your marriage, you should really reconsider your relationship. Do you have so little faith and trust in him that you feel compelled to shelter him from reality?
And if so, do you really think that will work forever?
Here's the harsh truth:

The world doesn't revolve around you and your insecurities. Like it or not, women will continue to dress exactly how they want and how they are comfortable. Your husbands ability (or lack thereof) to "protect his eyes" and your lack of self esteem, isn't and shouldn't be their concern. I am a 35 year old woman, and I have been known to wear a low cut top from time to time. Does doing so attract some looks? Sure. Is that why I do it? No. I do it because that's what I like to wear, and it's flattering to my shape. I have never once put on an outfit with the intention of ruining someone's marriage. And I think I can speak for most women when I say that neither have they. That 22 year old, with the hard earned rocking body, shouldn't feel guilty about running around on the beach in her bikini just because you might have stretch marks and extra pounds, or a husband with a wandering eye. Unless they are motorboating him, what women do with their boobs is their business, not your husband's. Or yours.
Sincerely,
Teena

What Makes a Marriage?

I'm not married. Dan and I have been together for 16 years, but we've never "made it legal". I cannot tell you how often I hear comments like "Well you wouldn't understand, since you aren't married." or "Aren't you going to make an honest woman out of her?" and even "Well he obviously doesn't love you enough to commit to you." Things like this infuriate me. For starters, our relationship has outlasted most of the marriages I know, considering the average marriage in America lasts 6-10 years.
I don't understand this antiquated attitude about marriage. How anyone can think that a couple who has been together (successfully and happily, I might add) for 16 years is NOT committed to one another, or not really in love, is beyond me. As for "making an honest woman" out of me... well that one is just plain stupid. This isn't the stone age, so can we please quit using that terminology already?
If you really think that a piece of paper makes your relationship any better, stronger, or more real than someone else's, you clearly do not understand what marriage is truly all about.
There is a battle in this country right now over marriage, about who can and can't be "legally" married. I'm shocked by this. Marriage should be simple. Two people who love each other, are committed to one another, and want to share their lives together. That's it. It shouldn't be about anything else. For me, a piece of paper, signed by some government official means nothing. As far as I'm concerned, Dan and I are as married as two people can be. (To be fair, I would like to have an actual wedding someday, but the legal part is the least of my concerns.) But in our culture we have placed so much importance on this document, and on this notion that your relationship can only be "real" if it is legal. While this means little to me, I do know that there is a very large group of people who this DOES mean something to. And many in that group have been told that they cannot have that piece of paper. That their relationship is not worthy of it, and therefore not "real". This saddens me. How can anyone not be worthy of love? And isn't love what marriage is really about?
Now here is where I know some people will get all opinionated, and start spewing nonsense. Let me nip that in the bud. Before you give me your "but in the bible it says" speech, let me make a few points. Here is what biblical marriage really means:
In the bible, men married women as soon as they were old enough to procreate, or as soon as they hit puberty. That means that most wives in the bible were as young as 11 years old. (Today we would call that child molesting and rape.)
In the bible, wives were property of their husbands. They were no more important than livestock or land, and men were encouraged to have multiple wives to better their chances of bearing children. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Judah, and many more were well known for having many wives and sexual partners. Still liking the sound of "biblical marriage"?
How about this? In the bible, it was common practice to marry fellow clan or family members. Marriage to "outsiders" did not come into practice until much later. (Inbreeding! Sounds great!) And let's not forget that eensy weensy little detail about being a virgin. Not a virgin? Ohhh... bummer for you, you'd be executed. Still not convinced?
Let me share this excerpt with you:

As much as we do not want to admit it, marriage is an evolving institution; a social construct that has been changing for the better since biblical times. Those who claim that the biblical model for marriage is one husband and one wife apparently haven’t read the Bible or examined the well-documented sources describing life in antiquity.
The sooner we move away from the myth of the so-called traditional biblical marriage, the better prepared we will be to discuss what constitutes a family in the 21st century.

That was taken from an article written by ABP News Religious Herald. That's right, a religious based website. (Read the full article here)
We live in an ever changing society. That means that we grow and improve over time. There was a time that a woman had no say in who she married, a time when people of different religions or races couldn't be married, and while those things might have made sense at that time... they seem insane and ridiculous to us now. Why? Because we have evolved as humans. We understand that things like sex, race, and religion shouldn't limit our basic human rights.
Marriage is simply love made legal. It isn't defined by our genders. It is defined by the two unique individuals involved, and by what is important to them. This is why people choose to write their own vows, instead of being dictated to.
It's time we stopped judging someone else's definition of marriage. Your relationship isn't going to change just because other people's are different.
And for those of you out there like myself and Dan, living happily committed lives, without a legal document... Your love is real, and just as valid, important and beautiful as anyone else's, and I hope someday the law, and everyone else sees that too.

Relationship Realness

Let me start by stating that I have been in a happily committed relationship for 16 years. Basically, my relationship can now drive. Meaning... I know a thing or two about healthy, long term romance. And I feel like sometimes marriage and commitment get a bad rap. I realize that after some time, the shimmer and new love smell fades, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are numerous perks to being in a relationship for an extended amount of time. So before you weep over your lost bachelorhood, or pine for your swinging singles days, think about these blissful benefits....

1. Your partner can reach all those places you can't. Got that itch you just can't reach? Your spouse can! Or how about that weird growth on your back that you worry may have sprouted a friend. Your mate can take a peek, and tell you if it's time to get it checked out, or give it a name. Whether it's removal of unwanted body hair, needing a pimple popped, or you just like your creepy toes rubbed, your partner has got you covered.

2. No more embarrassment over normal body functions. Sorry to burst your bubble, fellas, but us ladies do occasionally have to burp, fart, and poop. And when nature calls, you can't ignore it for long. Being in a relationship means you can follow where your body takes you. Even if that journey is a mad dash to the can for explosive diarrhea. And you don't even have to pretend you were just powdering your nose. You just turn on the fan, close the door, and keep the air freshener handy in case your partner needs to pop in for a towel, or a bar of soap.

3. No wasted words. If you've been with your spouse for a good amount of time, more than likely, you know what they are often thinking. This means you can have full conversations with very few words actually spoken. Now this may sound useless to some, but if you've ever tried to talk to someone while brushing your teeth, running out the door in a hurry, or half asleep, you know how convenient this actually is.

4. You can be as freaky as you want. While some folks might think that after being together for a long time, the sex gets boring, us relationship people know that the opposite is often true. The longer you're together, the more comfortable you are, which means you can share your deepest, darkest sexual desires with one another. And if your husband doesn't look as sexy in your bra & panties as you'd hoped... no harm no foul. You always know the tried and true ways to please each other. And who doesn't appreciate a well earned high five after a good orgasm??

5. You can spend the day in your pajamas, and unshowered. With zero f*cks given. Now I don't suggest doing this often, I'm a firm believer in putting your best foot forward, even if that foot isn't going any further than the sofa. But we all deserve the occasional pants free day now and again. And who better to spend it with than the person who knows exactly what snacks to grab you from the kitchen, and thinks you're adorable, even while you're rocking your Elmer's Glue facial mask?

6. Having a fellow passenger on the crazy train. We all have our crazy. Albeit some more than others, but still... Having someone that not only accepts your weirdness, and thinks it's charming, but JOINS you in it. And willingly. Now that is a perk, my friend. Good luck telling that guy on date three that you like to dress up garden gnomes, and give them names and backstories. He'll be gone faster than you can say "Red flag." and you'll go home to cry to your pointy hatted little friends.

7. Endless support. Life is full of drama, bad luck, and bullshit. Some days are just going to suck. And while friends are great, they can't always be there. So having someone to come home to every day, and share in the miseries, and the joys... that's the greatest perk of all. If you are lucky enough to share your life with someone who loves you in spite of all your flaws, stands by you through thick and thin, and can't wait to rip your clothes off of you, even after all this time... be grateful.
So the next time your friend is bragging about the steamy one night stand she had with the sexy bartender from the club, just smile, and know that if she was really lucky, you wouldn't be the one holding her hair back while she puked up all those free appletinis.  

I know I am a lucky gal, because I get to share my life with this amazing man. He truly is my best friend, and my partner in crime, and I don't know where I would be without him.

Photo credit: Photography by Tonya Hauxwell

(check her out here)

Relationship Rules

I have been with my hubs (Dan) for 15 years. We have been through one short lived separation (very early on) three moves, several job changes and raising and losing our son. Just to name a few things... 
People are often telling me that they envy our relationship, and that they want what we have. I get asked for relationship advice regularly, and though I am happy to share my opinions, I don't consider myself an expert by any means. I met and moved in with Dan after two weeks. And though that worked out well for us, I wouldn't exactly suggest it to others. How we are, and what we do, wouldn't work for everyone. But we do have a great relationship, and even after all we've been through, we are pretty damn happy. So maybe I am qualified to offer advice, who knows. But for now, I'll just share some of our rules. These are things we don't compromise on. And in  my opinion, these are a big part of why we are as strong of a couple as we are. Take them as you will... (and these are in no particular order, either)

1. 100% total honesty, all the time. No exceptions. It may not always be easy to say or hear the truth, but it is necessary. We don't sugar coat anything, and we never have. If you can't be totally honest with your partner, you shouldn't be together. Dan and I share everything. The good, the bad and everything in between. There are no secrets. If the shoes weren't on sale, I don't tell him they were. If he thinks the waitress is hot, he doesn't pretend he was just reading her name tag. 
2. Be true to yourself. I have never pretended to be someone I wasn't, and neither has Dan. If I wanted to change him, I shouldn't be with him. If you truly love someone, you love all of them. That's not to say you adore their stinky feet or something, but you accept them as they are. Flaws and all. If you have to hide who you are to please someone else, that's being dishonest. See rule #1. 
3. Sex is CRUCIAL. Couples who don't have sex, scare me. Physical intimacy is SO important to a good relationship. It is how you connect on every level. It shows trust, comfort, passion, desire and so much more. And not only should you be having it (and often) but you should talk about it. Dan and I talk about everything, and sex is no exception. We know each other's likes and dislikes, fantasies and favorites. And we support them. If one of us wants to try something, we try it. Then we talk about it. Nothing is off limits. There is no embarrassment or shame. Why? Because we trust each other completely. And also... See #1.
4. Have fun together. If you can't laugh and have fun with your partner, you're doing something wrong. Dan and I are best friends. As corny as that sounds, it's the truth. We have a blast together. We act goofy and weird and laugh at each other. We wrestle and tease and joke. We find humor wherever we can, and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. 
5. Go to bed at the same time. Now I realize that this can't work for everyone, what with work schedules and such, but this is a big one for us. Falling asleep and waking up together is very important to us. Sometimes this means he naps on the couch for a bit, until I'm tired, and sometimes it means I lie awake for a few. But the comfort of being snuggled up to the one you love, and falling asleep in their warmth makes those occasions totally worth it. 
6. No TV in the bed room. Yup, that's right. In all the years we've been together, we've never had a TV in our room. We watch television in the living room, together. Do we always agree on what to watch? Of course not. But we compromise. And if I'm totally not interested in what he's watching, I play on the computer or read and vice-versa for him. But we are still next to each other, still able to talk and share, still together. That is very important to us. 
7. Share each other's interests. Luckily for us, we share many of the same hobbies and interests. But there are things that one of us may not be totally into. But we still do them together. Dan will craft with me and I help him in the garage. And we BOTH enjoy it. We learn from each other and we make memories. Dan doesn't have or want a "man cave". We don't want to hide from each other. We do things without one another, and that's fine, but we enjoy doing things together as well. And if you don't ever share in your partner's interests, how will you ever experience their joy? I LOVE seeing the look on Dan's face when he's doing something he enjoys. That makes me happy, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
8. Balance each other out. Each person has their strengths and weaknesses. That is just a fact. Instead of holding those weaknesses against the other, Dan and I use them as opportunities to help each other. We aren't perfect, and we understand that. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can figure out the best way to deal with those differences, and make them work. 
9. Communication. This should be a given for any relationship, but sadly I know it isn't for a lot of them. We talk about EVERYTHING. TMI? No such thing. I know that there isn't any subject off limits, and that is a huge comfort to me. No matter how crazy, weird, inappropriate or silly, I know I can talk about it with Dan. And he listens. He may laugh at me, or tell me I'm nuts, but he still listens. And I do the same for him. 
10. Do what works for you. At the end of the day, you are the ones in your relationship, so if something doesn't work for you, don't do it. The world isn't black and white, and neither are relationships. If you are both TRULY happy, that is all that matters. Don't let other people try to fit your relationship into their mold. Each person is different, therefore, each couple will be different. Many people thought that Dan & I wouldn't last, because we didn't fit "their idea" of a good relationship. But we said screw 'em, and did what felt right for us. Fifteen years later, and most of those couples are no longer together, yet here we are. Still going strong...

My Ideal Relationship

I recently read a post via a friend about marriage. It got me thinking that my idea of an ideal relationship is different than most. 
I've been with Dan for 15 years. (I should mention that we are NOT legally married, just in case that somehow makes a difference for someone.) We raised a son together, and lost him in a fatal car accident almost 8 months ago. So we've had our share of trials. Our relationship started off strong and fast. We dated for a couple weeks, then moved in together. Many people questioned our decision, but we didn't. At one point, early on, we did separate for a short time. This was a mutual and very difficult choice on both our parts, but we needed to do it. It was for the best in the long run, and we are both very grateful for that time. It taught us a great deal about ourselves and our strength as a couple. 
Being that we were fairly young when we began dating, we have obviously both changed a great deal in the last 15 years. But we have done it together. If we've discovered new interests, we've supported one another in them. We've changed homes, jobs, etc through the years, yet through it all we've remained strong. We truly are best friends. Not only do we LOVE spending time together, but even after all these years, we still get excited to see each other day after day. We go to bed together in each others arms every night, and we wake up that way every morning. We make each other laugh. We can and do act silly together all the time. We challenge each other to be better and we support one another regardless. We are a team. We each have our strengths and weaknesses and we own them. We talk about EVERYTHING. There is no subject that is off limits. We are 100% honest with the other all the time. Even when honesty isn't the easiest, we still are. We don't always agree, but we ALWAYS work it out. Compromise doesn't mean you always get your way. It means that your relationship is more important than always being right. 
We are each others biggest supporter and number 1 fan. We are there for each other through thick and thin. 
We have an incredible love life. Fifteen years later, and it is better than ever. Sex isn't just for teenagers and newlyweds. We are very open and honest about sex, and we have never hesitated to try new things and be open to one another's fantasies. There is 100% trust in our relationship, up to and including the bedroom. We are and always have been an affectionate couple. We hug and kiss (and smack each others asses) without shame or embarrassment. We love each other and it shows. That is something to be proud of, not something to hide. 
We have grown stronger over the years. We have grown closer, not further apart. We have outlasted many, many marriages of friends & family members. I never thought of myself as someone who would be in a 30, 40 or 50 year relationship. It seemed crazy and unrealistic to me. But it no longer does. I can picture Dan and I old and grey. Still laughing and having fun. Still best friends. Still grabbing ass and getting frisky. 
There is no formula for the perfect relationship. Each person and couple are different. Everyone brings their own wants, needs, expectations and baggage into a partnership. Some "rules" are basic common sense. Communication, honesty, attraction, etc. We know that without a good foundation, a relationship will fail. But what makes up a good, solid and happy relationship is as varied and unique as the people in it. My notion of the ideal marriage is not the same as someone else's. Nor should it be. I am not the same as someone else. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself "Am I truly happy?" and the answer is no, it's time to try something different. 

                                         Dan & I on a camping trip recently.