The Road to Healing...

If you've ever lost a child, you know the incredible sense of hopelessness and emptiness that take over your world in the aftermath of their passing. I've talked before about the "black hole" of Grief and how it follows you around and becomes a part of everything you do. You begin to accept certain things as your new normal. You understand that even the happy moments will forever be tainted with the knowledge that they aren't a part of them, or the guilt that you are enjoying something that they cannot. And that is just the beginning. It is said that love and hate are the most powerful emotions, but in my opinion Grief trumps even them. Because Grief is a shadow emotion. It surrounds all other emotions. Whether it is overpowering them, or just hovering near the edges, it is ALWAYS there. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but there just the same. 
In the time since Zachary's passing, we have had our share of ups and downs. Bad days and easier days. Plenty of tears, and bits of laughter. But the Grief has been there. A constant shadow in our lives. Until this past Saturday. It was the first day in the over 6 months that Zach has been gone that I almost didn't notice its shadow. But let me back up a bit and explain...
I've told you before that we are a big car family. Team Finn, that's us. Well over the years, we had made plans for things that we wanted to do. Like most families do. One of the things that we had talked often about was Dan and Zach's dream of entering a rally together. They would build the car and race it. Dan as the driver, Zach as his co-driver. And me, well I was the team cheerleader. Since Zach was finally getting old enough to be able to do these things, this dream was finally starting to become a reality. Zach had just purchased his first Subaru. He barely had possession of it, but he and Dan already had a list of all the things they were going to do to it. They were so excited. I loved seeing them like that. All happy and silly. Father and son, doing what they loved together. Their dreams were FINALLY going to be a reality. 
And that was when our lives were changed forever. After the accident, dreams no longer mattered. Nothing did. Just breathing became a challenge most days. Without our son, we were lost. The path that had seemed so clear before, was now gone. We were wandering around without direction in a world that no longer mattered to us. Wake up, survive the day, go to sleep, and repeat. For 6 months, that was our only goal. Just to survive the next 24 hours. 
I knew something needed to change, and soon, or we were NEVER going to get out of this routine. And I also knew that if we didn't get out, we were going to eventually succumb to the "black hole" and in doing so, would be breaking the last promise I made to our son. The only problem was, I had no idea what to do. 
Then one night, we were sitting around watching TV and playing online and Dan was watching a video about a rally team that he had watched before, but I hadn't yet seen. We were familiar with the team, because prior to Zach's accident, we had planned on participating in a tribute they were having in honor of their friend. The tribute was a parade of Subarus, and the three of us thought it was such a touching and cool idea, we were all for it. Of course, after Zach's passing, we just couldn't do it. But Dan hadn't forgotten about this team. He had been so moved by the story before we lost Zachary, and now after, it seemed even more powerful. So we watched the video. It was about how they were carrying on in his memory and doing what he would've wanted. The Team was Noble Star Rally. They were honoring Matthew Noble Marker and the impact he had on their lives and continued to have, even in spirit. The things they said touched us so much. And while watching, Dan made the comment "If I was to ever get involved in rally, like Zach and I had wanted, I would love to do it with a team like this." In that moment, I knew what I had to do. It was like a light came on and cleared a path in my Grief for me to follow. So that same night, I found that team's page on facebook and sat down to write to them. I told them our story, and about the dreams that my husband and son had. I didn't know what to expect, if anything, but I knew I HAD to try. That this might be our only chance out of the darkness that was surrounding us. To my complete surprise, I received not just an answer, but one even better than I had hoped for. The team's driver, Amanda, responded. And in her response, moved me to tears. She wanted to help us. Over the next several days, she and I messaged back and forth, and she suggested that we come to a Rally X event and check it out and meet her and some of the team. I was beyond thrilled and touched that she was being so amazing. I told Dan about it, and he was floored. This was really happening. So he looked into the event, and to my amazement, decided to enter it. He was so excited. I knew right then that we were on the right path. I could feel our son smiling down on us. 
So we went to the Rally X event, not really knowing what to expect. We figured at best, it would be a fun distraction. Boy were we wrong. It was a blast. We spent the day laughing and joking and having a great time. We not only got to meet Amanda and Derrick, (and some of their friends) I swear we became instant friends with them, as well. They were even more awesome than we had imagined they would be. It was honestly the first time in the over 6 months since losing our son that we had a truly happy day. We felt Zach with us the entire time, and for once, Grief wasn't rearing its ugly head. Dan was smiling bigger and more than I can almost ever remember. We both knew without question that we had made the right decision. The road to healing was finally clear to us. So when Amanda offered us the chance to join her team and help out at the next event, there was absolutely no hesitation. 
Now, I am a big believer in signs, and since the very beginning there have been numerous signs that continue to reinforce what we already know, that this IS the right path. I know it will not always be an easy road, and just like in a rally, there will be unexpected bumps and turns along the way. But I also know that it will be rewarding and exciting, and that we will be making friends and memories that will last a lifetime. And that in doing so, we are honoring our son's memory and making good on our promise to him, and that is the most important thing. 
Right before leaving the event, I snapped this photo, and since orange and black were Zachary's favorite colors, I had no doubt this was his way of letting us know he was there, and that he approved.