When we made the decision to donate Zach's organs, this was exactly why. We wanted other people to have a chance to live. A chance to do things our son would no longer have the option of doing. We knew it was the right thing to do and we did it without question. Since that day, I haven't thought much about it. We've heard a few things from Gift of Life since then, but for the most part, I haven't allowed myself to focus on that part of our situation. Until yesterday...
Reading that letter, I expected to feel something. Anything. But I didn't. I wasn't sad. Or happy. Or relieved. I was just numb. I am grateful that this woman has a second chance at life. That her children will have their mother for (hopefully) many more years. But to be completely honest, I just don't care that much. I'm touched that she chose to write us and thank us, don't get me wrong, but I just don't feel like I hoped I would. I had hoped to feel some kind of peace at the idea that a part of our son lived on. I don't. Am I glad that he saved lives? Absolutely. But it isn't as though it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. In some ways it actually makes me angry. This woman, this stranger, will get to see her children do things that we will NEVER get to see our son do. And she gets to do it because of him. It just doesn't seem right. I know that is WHY we donated. It makes sense in my head, but just not in my heart. Does a piece of Zachary live on? Yes. But it isn't something I can see, or hold. It isn't a part of him that I can connect to. When we made the decision to donate, I kept thinking "I wonder who will get his heart." because to me, that was my lifeline. In my mind, there was this possibility that someday, just maybe, I would get to hear and feel my son's heartbeat again. That I could close my eyes and pretend for just a moment that my son was still here. But they couldn't use his heart. It had been damaged from being revived so many times. That news crushed a part of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to acknowledge. Until yesterday...
I've read that letter over and over, hoping for some kind of reaction. I keep thinking it should have some emotional impact on me, but it hasn't. It's just an overwhelming numbness. She hopes to meet us someday. Right from the beginning I said that I was open to that, and I am. But I know now, that it can't be for awhile down the road. I am just not ready for that yet. I also know that I need to respond to her letter in some way. Gift of Life sends you guidelines to follow. They suggest what you should say, and list the things that aren't allowed. The letter goes to them first for them to "check" and then they pass it on. Logically, I know that this is for both parties protection, but it seems so cold. So stiff and arranged. It makes it hard to know what to say. I may have to give this some time, as well. I just don't know how I feel right now...
Gift of Life sounds so profound. You are literally giving someone else life. But at what cost? Maybe gift is the wrong word. When I give someone a gift, I feel excitement. I can't wait to see their reaction. I feel nervous. I hope they like it as much as I hoped they would. And I feel warm. It's a good feeling to give a gift. I certainly don't feel any of those things in this case. People keep telling us we did such an amazing thing, and how we should be so proud of ourselves for doing that. I don't get it. We did the logical thing. It just made sense to do it. And if it saved even one more person from feeling what we were feeling, it was the right decision. But we still lost our son. That fact didn't change. Giving away pieces of him doesn't make our loss any easier, or ease the endless ache we feel. Donating organs saves lives. That is a fact. But those lives were saved because our son lost his. This is a very unbalanced scale for me. I would easily trade any of those lives to have my son back. Does this make me a bad person?
This is the part of organ donation that no one talks about. The ugly side effect of The Gift of Life. Am I glad that these strangers get a second chance at life? Yes. But I am also angry that our son didn't. Do I regret our decision to donate? Absolutely not. But does it make me "feel good"? Not really. Am I touched that this woman chose to write us and thank us? Certainly. But it doesn't change anything. Zach is still gone. I still feel empty. Maybe it's just too soon still. Maybe somewhere down the line, I'll feel differently. Who knows... But for now, I just feel numb.
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