Real Talk: The Joys of Living Together

When you are in a committed relationship, and eventually move in together, there is a flood of excitement and nervousness. You are taking a huge step, and you can't wait to settle in to this new role. Only magic and wonder lie ahead.  
Yeah, yeah. Fast forward a bit...
You've lived together a few years, maybe more. Your lives are utterly intertwined. There is no longer a mine or yours, only ours. And while this is the original intention, and not at all a bad thing, there are several aspects of joint living that we don't really consider, or even notice right away. The hidden truths of living together that no one talks about. Until now.
So for those of you about to take the leap, or for those still in the honeymoon phase... be prepared. Soon enough, your moment of awakening will come.
And for those of you who've been on the ride awhile... hopefully you'll find comfort knowing you're not alone.

1. The Battle of the Bed.
Growing up, you lived in this naïve world, where you believed you would always be able to throw yourself into bed any way you wished, and sleep like Rip Van Winkle. Those days are gone. Now, you've been relegated to one half (if you're lucky) of a bed. And not just any half. Nay. You were forced to choose a side, and sleep on that side for the remainder of your days. I mean sure... you could switch it up, but then what if you woke up in the middle of the night and needed your chapstick? Well, that is in YOUR nightstand, on what feels like the other side of the planet. Or what if you forget that you're no longer on the side nearest the bathroom, and in your sleepy state, accidentally pee in the closet? It's just not worth it. Accept your fate, and stay on your side.

2. Silence is Golden.
Just because you love someone and share a home with them, does not mean that you are always on the same page. Sometimes, one or the other of you will want nothing more than peace and quiet, whilst the other randomly decided that RIGHT THEN is the perfect time to practice their Mariah Carey karaoke jam session. So even though the little crazy voice in your head is screaming "DEAR LORD, SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" you must suffer in silence. Yes silence, that word that your darling roomie clearly does not know the meaning of.

3. Umm, excuse me. I'm in here.
Don't waste your breath with those words. They know you are in there. They just don't care. Privacy is a thing of the past. You will now always have company when you bleach your mustache, shower, and empty your bladder. Because obviously, that is the perfect time to discuss everything. Oh, and scoot over, they also need to clip their toenails or trim their nose hair right this very second. It doesn't matter that there is another, perfectly functional bathroom they could use. Nope, you're a team now. You do all things together. Yay.

4. Closet Space.
Here's the deal. I don't care what any real estate agent or fancy home listing says. Unless your home has been featured on an episode of MTV Cribs, you will NOT have enough closet space in your master bedroom. No bedroom closet was ever properly designed for two adults to share. I don't care how big it looks, it will not be big enough. Someone is going to have to keep their shit in another room, or accept 30% of their allotted space. And yes, I DO need all of those shoes.

5. The Great Debate.
Ok, so you love each other. For better or for worse. Fine. But you are never, ever, ever going to agree on everything. Whether it is how to properly put on a roll of toilet paper (It's always over, by the way. Always.) how to squeeze the toothpaste, fold a hand towel, or load the dishwasher.... there will be at least one thing that you eternally disagree on. You may compromise, but you will never get over it. Your way is the right way, and that's all there is to it.

6. But that was mine!
There will come a time when you find yourself huffing like a pissed off toddler who refuses to share and saying "Stop taking/using my shit!" Regardless of how well you think you hid that box of your favorite cookies, or how many times you point out which razor is yours. I know, I know.... there is no MINE or YOURS. But really... that was MY donut. I was saving it. And that shampoo you used... that was mine too.

7. You'll Never Be Lonely Again.
Living with someone is not always easy. You will bicker over trivial things, you will wonder how someone so adorable can make a room stink so bad, and you will probably day dream about what it would be like to live alone every so often. But you will NEVER be lonely again. Even when you think all you want is alone time, when they aren't there, you will find yourself listening intently for the sound of their key in the door. You will lie next to them at night and know that the bed would just feel so big and empty without them. (something you'll have to remind yourself of when the snoring starts) You will form habits together, and become a real team. You will share things you never expected to share, and you will be all the better for it. THAT is the real truth.

How Do You Define Family?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about family, and what that word means to me.
To most people, family means the people you share DNA with, or who have your same last name. But it's not always that simple to define.
I grew up in a semi non traditional family. My parents had 4 kids together, but I also have two half siblings from my father's previous marriage. (I have two step brothers as well, from my mother's second marriage.) And growing up, we had a plethora of foster kids in and out of our home for several years.
Fast forward to middle school, and I am given the assignment of making a family tree. I sit down with my parents to work it out, and realize that most of the relatives that I have grown up loving are not actually related to me by blood. My extended family is a true showcase of what it means to love and accept the family we are born into, along with the family that we find along the way.
My grandparents didn't buy into the YOUR kids and MY kids idea. It was OUR kids. Period. That mentality has blossomed and become second nature with my relatives. I could spend hours trying to sort out the who's who, but none of that matters. The only thing that matters is love & loyalty.
When I think about family, I think about the people who have been there for me through thick and thin. The people who have supported me, even when I didn't deserve it. The people who have laughed with me, cried with me, and grown with me. To be fair, some of those people ARE related to me by blood, but many, many more are not. They are the family I've chosen. And the family that has chosen me.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about what it means to be a mom, and how many don't consider me a "real" mom, because I didn't carry my son inside of me. My friend Thea summed it up perfectly. She said "You didn't grow a child inside of your belly, you grew him inside of your heart." and I truly think that is a beautiful way of viewing it. I think real families are grown in the heart.
Family isn't about DNA, or last names. It isn't about who gives birth to you even. The true sign of a family is so much deeper than that.
Some of you are lucky, and your blood family is all you could ever ask for. But for many of us, those familial connections come from somewhere else.
Maybe it's a step parent, or foster parent who raised you. Maybe it's best friends who feel more like siblings. Maybe your only family is the one you made yourself, with your spouse and your children. Whatever that connection is, it isn't any less real because it doesn't fit the "traditional" design.
The mark of a family isn't in shared blood. It is in the ones who would bleed for you. The ones who would give their life for yours. The ones who sacrificed time, energy, sweat and tears to make a place for you in their lives, and their hearts. The ones who you know, without question, you can count on no matter what. The ones who love you, not just at your best, but at your worst. The ones who see your value and worth, even when you can't. The ones who pick you up when you fall, lend a shoulder to lean on, and wrap you in their arms when everyone else walks away. The strongest families are the ones who have walked through fire together, and come out the other side.
I want to take a moment today and say thank you to my family. You know who you are. As dysfunctional, weird, and crazy as we all are... I couldn't imagine my life without any of you. I love you all. Thanks for putting up with me.

What Makes A Mom?

There appears to be a huge baby boom happening right now. It seems like everywhere I turn, someone is either announcing a pregnancy or giving birth.
For a grieving parent, this is as painful as it is joyous. But for me, it is a struggle on yet another level. And one that I know I'm not alone in. I've debated talking about this for a long time, but I think I'm finally ready.

I'm not a mom. Not a "real" mom, anyway.
I've never carried a life inside of me and felt it move and grow. I've never watched my belly swell and spent hours searching for the perfect name for my little miracle. I've never looked into a tiny, innocent little face and saw my own eyes staring back at me. I've never fed an infant from my breast and felt the wonder and joy that come from that magical bonding moment.
When groups of women get together, inevitably, at some point, the conversation will turn to pregnancy, labor, and delivery stories. I will forever sit quietly, unable to participate.
I'll never be a "real" mom. That is just not something that was ever in the cards for me I guess. It was not a hand that I was, or ever will be dealt.

But I have felt the overwhelming, unconditional, and all consuming love for a small person that takes over your universe. I have been awakened at night by a frightened little boy climbing into my bed, or cries from across the hall when fever and sickness strike. I have spent days cleaning up vomit and snotty tissues, and made late night runs for medicine and popsicles.
I have felt the frustration of repeating myself hundreds and thousands of times to no avail. I have woke up early to pack lunches and sit at cold, wet bus stops, and been called at work to bring money to the school when that packed lunch was forgotten on the bus.
I have held the small hand of a scared and nervous little boy as he walked in for his very first day of kindergarten, and watched that same boy run into his first day of middle school with barely a glance back in my direction as I dropped him off.
I have read the same book over and over so many times that I had it memorized, and then heard it again for the first time when it was read to ME in a small, tentative voice. I have watched with pride as a little boy finally learned to tie his shoes, ride his bike, and write his name. And I've been overwhelmed with emotion as that same boy walked across a graduation stage, with honors, to collect his diploma.
I've felt the guilt and doubt that follows discipline, even when you know it was for their own good.
I've felt the struggle of staying home, and questioned my sanity after hours of talking only about Pokémon characters and mind numbing cartoons. Of wishing someone, ANYONE would stop by, just to have some other adult contact.
And I've felt the worry the first time I allowed him to come home to an empty house, and stared at my work phone, just waiting for it to ring to know he made it safely.
I've sat on the sidelines at soccer and basketball games and wondered why we paid money for this kid to pass the ball to the other team, and then cheered at tennis matches when we realized he'd finally found his niche.
I have felt my heart swell and skip a beat when an adorable little boy handed me a corsage and escorted me to our first mother son dance. And I've laughed as a much older version of that little boy demonstrated his dance skills at family weddings.
I've watched a child grow into an intelligent, loving, kind, funny, compassionate, genuine man, and felt the immense pride at knowing I had a part in that.
And I've felt the indescribable, immeasurable, unfathomable pain of your heart being ripped from your chest as I walked into a hospital room to a sight NO ONE should ever have to see.

Everyone has their own ideas of what makes a parent, and there will always be people out there who question and deny anyone who doesn't share a blood bond with their child. And while it hurts me deeper than they will ever know when they take that from me, I also hold my head high, knowing that the only person who REALLY mattered knew the truth.
So no, I'm not a "real" mom, but I am a mom. And now I'm the mom of an angel.

What Makes a Marriage?

I'm not married. Dan and I have been together for 16 years, but we've never "made it legal". I cannot tell you how often I hear comments like "Well you wouldn't understand, since you aren't married." or "Aren't you going to make an honest woman out of her?" and even "Well he obviously doesn't love you enough to commit to you." Things like this infuriate me. For starters, our relationship has outlasted most of the marriages I know, considering the average marriage in America lasts 6-10 years.
I don't understand this antiquated attitude about marriage. How anyone can think that a couple who has been together (successfully and happily, I might add) for 16 years is NOT committed to one another, or not really in love, is beyond me. As for "making an honest woman" out of me... well that one is just plain stupid. This isn't the stone age, so can we please quit using that terminology already?
If you really think that a piece of paper makes your relationship any better, stronger, or more real than someone else's, you clearly do not understand what marriage is truly all about.
There is a battle in this country right now over marriage, about who can and can't be "legally" married. I'm shocked by this. Marriage should be simple. Two people who love each other, are committed to one another, and want to share their lives together. That's it. It shouldn't be about anything else. For me, a piece of paper, signed by some government official means nothing. As far as I'm concerned, Dan and I are as married as two people can be. (To be fair, I would like to have an actual wedding someday, but the legal part is the least of my concerns.) But in our culture we have placed so much importance on this document, and on this notion that your relationship can only be "real" if it is legal. While this means little to me, I do know that there is a very large group of people who this DOES mean something to. And many in that group have been told that they cannot have that piece of paper. That their relationship is not worthy of it, and therefore not "real". This saddens me. How can anyone not be worthy of love? And isn't love what marriage is really about?
Now here is where I know some people will get all opinionated, and start spewing nonsense. Let me nip that in the bud. Before you give me your "but in the bible it says" speech, let me make a few points. Here is what biblical marriage really means:
In the bible, men married women as soon as they were old enough to procreate, or as soon as they hit puberty. That means that most wives in the bible were as young as 11 years old. (Today we would call that child molesting and rape.)
In the bible, wives were property of their husbands. They were no more important than livestock or land, and men were encouraged to have multiple wives to better their chances of bearing children. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Judah, and many more were well known for having many wives and sexual partners. Still liking the sound of "biblical marriage"?
How about this? In the bible, it was common practice to marry fellow clan or family members. Marriage to "outsiders" did not come into practice until much later. (Inbreeding! Sounds great!) And let's not forget that eensy weensy little detail about being a virgin. Not a virgin? Ohhh... bummer for you, you'd be executed. Still not convinced?
Let me share this excerpt with you:

As much as we do not want to admit it, marriage is an evolving institution; a social construct that has been changing for the better since biblical times. Those who claim that the biblical model for marriage is one husband and one wife apparently haven’t read the Bible or examined the well-documented sources describing life in antiquity.
The sooner we move away from the myth of the so-called traditional biblical marriage, the better prepared we will be to discuss what constitutes a family in the 21st century.

That was taken from an article written by ABP News Religious Herald. That's right, a religious based website. (Read the full article here)
We live in an ever changing society. That means that we grow and improve over time. There was a time that a woman had no say in who she married, a time when people of different religions or races couldn't be married, and while those things might have made sense at that time... they seem insane and ridiculous to us now. Why? Because we have evolved as humans. We understand that things like sex, race, and religion shouldn't limit our basic human rights.
Marriage is simply love made legal. It isn't defined by our genders. It is defined by the two unique individuals involved, and by what is important to them. This is why people choose to write their own vows, instead of being dictated to.
It's time we stopped judging someone else's definition of marriage. Your relationship isn't going to change just because other people's are different.
And for those of you out there like myself and Dan, living happily committed lives, without a legal document... Your love is real, and just as valid, important and beautiful as anyone else's, and I hope someday the law, and everyone else sees that too.

Things I Love

It's Valentine's Day. Today's theme is love. L. O. V. E. In the spirit of this, I shall give you a list of 69 (random numerical selection, I assure you) various things that I adore. This is in no specific order. Enjoy.

1. Cotton Candy
2. High Heels
3. Strawberry Everything
4. Gnomes
5. Rubber Duckies
6. Fairies
7. Old Keys
8. Messages/Signs from my Son
9. Four Leaf Clovers
10. Shiner Bock Beer
11. My Hubs' Perfect Ass
12. Rally
13. Cars (Especially Maggie, my Subaru Wagon)
14. Sex
15. Sex (it seemed worthy of 2 spots)
16. The Smell of Lilacs
17. Blowing Bubbles
18. Glitter
19. Crafts
20. Skittles & StarBurst
21. Superman Ice Cream
22. Super Shiny Lipgloss
23. Tiny Versions of Things
24. Reading Books
25. Writing
26. Songs with Choirs in Them
27. Water
28. Fried Pickles
29. Fat, Juicy Babies
30. People with a Good Sense of Humor
31. Inappropriate Humor
32. Make-up
33. Vintage Dresses
34. Red Lips
35. The Smell of a Wood Shop
36. Taco Bell
37. Cupcakes
38. Antique Jewelry
39. Haunted Houses/Buildings
40. Caramel
41. A Fresh Haircut
42. Office Supplies
43. Celtic Music
44. LEGOS
45. Boobs
46. Dancing
47. Sitting in Front of a Fire
48. Camping
49. Babies Laughing
50. Weddings
51. Social Media
52. Board Games
53. Being Barefoot
54. The Sound of the Ocean
55. Books
56. Cemeteries
57. Making Lists
58. Cuddling
59. Porn
60. Gaudy Accessories
61. Happy People
62. A Clean Car
63. Getting Cards, Notes, and Letters
64. Lotion
65. Fun Socks
66. Lace
67. Being Creative
68. Hearing My Hubs Laugh
69. Alice In Wonderland

Obviously I love many more things than this, but I'll save the rest for another day. ;)

The Truth About Valentine's Day

This Friday is Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is a holiday where we celebrate love. I think. Or maybe we celebrate chocolate and roses. Or diamond jewelry. Honestly... I'm not really sure. What I AM sure about, is that it's weird.
If I only expressed my love for my partner one day out of the year, well... I probably wouldn't have a partner. The point is, shouldn't every day be Valentine's Day? And if you honor your love all year, and still want to go that extra mile on February 14th, more power to ya. I just don't get it. So you want to do all the stereotypical sh*t that every other person is doing, on the EXACT SAME DAY they are doing it?? OMG you bought her flowers??? SHOCKING!! (The latter should be in sarcasm font.)
Now don't get me wrong, I rather enjoy Valentine's Day. But not for the reasons you'd probably expect. I love the cheesiness, the corniness, the over the top-ness of it all. The glitter, the glitz, the sparkle & fun. The candy, the hearts, the pure happiness of it is grand. I love the IDEA of Valentine's Day more than I love the actual holiday. I am a highly affectionate individual, and if you know me, you can vouch for this. I am a hugger, kisser, pincher, spanker, tell you I love you-er. I adore the notion of a day where we tell people how we feel about them. I think this gives people who aren't as open as myself, the chance to share their feelings, emotions, and heart-felt truths. The problem, is that most people don't do that. They share someone else's feelings. They buy a card filled with flowery, beautiful words, but they aren't THEIR words. They buy the gifts that they think they are supposed to, not the gifts that come from the heart.
This is why I think Valentine's Day is weird, and I don't get it.
I don't celebrate Valentine's Day in the traditional sense. The hubs and I have never really done that. It's just not our thing. But I DO celebrate it. I often buy or make special cards & gifts, and share them with people I care about. Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, etc. I try to focus on people who may not otherwise get a Valentine, or who can use some extra care. I think everyone deserves to be told they are loved, even if that love comes from the goofy relative, or girl next door.
I prefer the grade school days of handmade mailboxes, and cards & treats for everyone. You saved the best cards for your crushes, but no one was left out. It was a fun, carefree, happy time.
Now a days, Valentine's Day feels more like a f*ck you to all the single people, and a relationship test for all the couples. Ladies are filled with expectations, and guys are sweating bullets, hoping to stay out of the doghouse. The pressure to force "romance" and keep up with the next guy would make anyone crazy.
I worked for Hallmark for over 15 years, and in all that time, I can count on one hand how many people I saw come in actually excited and happy about Valentine's Day. The rest were just following the crowd, and doing what they thought was expected of them. Is that what love should be? An expectation? Is that how you judge the quality of adoration? With flowers and chocolates? If it is, maybe you need to rethink your standards.
I guess my point is this: If you want to celebrate on Friday, go for it. Buy all the chocolates, overpriced flowers, jewelry, and fancy dinners you can afford. Shower your partner with rose petals, and champagne, if that's what makes you happy. But do it BECAUSE it makes you happy. Not because you think you have to. And if that's not your thing... stay home, order Chinese, watch funny movies, and eat yourself into an ice cream coma. Celebrate however you want to celebrate, not how some advertiser or stereotype tells you to. Valentine's Day is about love, in whatever form that comes in. Whether it's between spouses, friends, family, or even just yourself. And if February 14th is the only day you celebrate that love... I feel sorry for you. But if it is... well then, by all means... go crazy, and get that extra large teddy bear, since it will probably be the only thing you get to cuddle for awhile.
Happy Valentine's Day, Berry Friends. I love you all, and not just one day of the year.

 

Relationship Realness

Let me start by stating that I have been in a happily committed relationship for 16 years. Basically, my relationship can now drive. Meaning... I know a thing or two about healthy, long term romance. And I feel like sometimes marriage and commitment get a bad rap. I realize that after some time, the shimmer and new love smell fades, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are numerous perks to being in a relationship for an extended amount of time. So before you weep over your lost bachelorhood, or pine for your swinging singles days, think about these blissful benefits....

1. Your partner can reach all those places you can't. Got that itch you just can't reach? Your spouse can! Or how about that weird growth on your back that you worry may have sprouted a friend. Your mate can take a peek, and tell you if it's time to get it checked out, or give it a name. Whether it's removal of unwanted body hair, needing a pimple popped, or you just like your creepy toes rubbed, your partner has got you covered.

2. No more embarrassment over normal body functions. Sorry to burst your bubble, fellas, but us ladies do occasionally have to burp, fart, and poop. And when nature calls, you can't ignore it for long. Being in a relationship means you can follow where your body takes you. Even if that journey is a mad dash to the can for explosive diarrhea. And you don't even have to pretend you were just powdering your nose. You just turn on the fan, close the door, and keep the air freshener handy in case your partner needs to pop in for a towel, or a bar of soap.

3. No wasted words. If you've been with your spouse for a good amount of time, more than likely, you know what they are often thinking. This means you can have full conversations with very few words actually spoken. Now this may sound useless to some, but if you've ever tried to talk to someone while brushing your teeth, running out the door in a hurry, or half asleep, you know how convenient this actually is.

4. You can be as freaky as you want. While some folks might think that after being together for a long time, the sex gets boring, us relationship people know that the opposite is often true. The longer you're together, the more comfortable you are, which means you can share your deepest, darkest sexual desires with one another. And if your husband doesn't look as sexy in your bra & panties as you'd hoped... no harm no foul. You always know the tried and true ways to please each other. And who doesn't appreciate a well earned high five after a good orgasm??

5. You can spend the day in your pajamas, and unshowered. With zero f*cks given. Now I don't suggest doing this often, I'm a firm believer in putting your best foot forward, even if that foot isn't going any further than the sofa. But we all deserve the occasional pants free day now and again. And who better to spend it with than the person who knows exactly what snacks to grab you from the kitchen, and thinks you're adorable, even while you're rocking your Elmer's Glue facial mask?

6. Having a fellow passenger on the crazy train. We all have our crazy. Albeit some more than others, but still... Having someone that not only accepts your weirdness, and thinks it's charming, but JOINS you in it. And willingly. Now that is a perk, my friend. Good luck telling that guy on date three that you like to dress up garden gnomes, and give them names and backstories. He'll be gone faster than you can say "Red flag." and you'll go home to cry to your pointy hatted little friends.

7. Endless support. Life is full of drama, bad luck, and bullshit. Some days are just going to suck. And while friends are great, they can't always be there. So having someone to come home to every day, and share in the miseries, and the joys... that's the greatest perk of all. If you are lucky enough to share your life with someone who loves you in spite of all your flaws, stands by you through thick and thin, and can't wait to rip your clothes off of you, even after all this time... be grateful.
So the next time your friend is bragging about the steamy one night stand she had with the sexy bartender from the club, just smile, and know that if she was really lucky, you wouldn't be the one holding her hair back while she puked up all those free appletinis.  

I know I am a lucky gal, because I get to share my life with this amazing man. He truly is my best friend, and my partner in crime, and I don't know where I would be without him.

Photo credit: Photography by Tonya Hauxwell

(check her out here)

Relationship Rules

I have been with my hubs (Dan) for 15 years. We have been through one short lived separation (very early on) three moves, several job changes and raising and losing our son. Just to name a few things... 
People are often telling me that they envy our relationship, and that they want what we have. I get asked for relationship advice regularly, and though I am happy to share my opinions, I don't consider myself an expert by any means. I met and moved in with Dan after two weeks. And though that worked out well for us, I wouldn't exactly suggest it to others. How we are, and what we do, wouldn't work for everyone. But we do have a great relationship, and even after all we've been through, we are pretty damn happy. So maybe I am qualified to offer advice, who knows. But for now, I'll just share some of our rules. These are things we don't compromise on. And in  my opinion, these are a big part of why we are as strong of a couple as we are. Take them as you will... (and these are in no particular order, either)

1. 100% total honesty, all the time. No exceptions. It may not always be easy to say or hear the truth, but it is necessary. We don't sugar coat anything, and we never have. If you can't be totally honest with your partner, you shouldn't be together. Dan and I share everything. The good, the bad and everything in between. There are no secrets. If the shoes weren't on sale, I don't tell him they were. If he thinks the waitress is hot, he doesn't pretend he was just reading her name tag. 
2. Be true to yourself. I have never pretended to be someone I wasn't, and neither has Dan. If I wanted to change him, I shouldn't be with him. If you truly love someone, you love all of them. That's not to say you adore their stinky feet or something, but you accept them as they are. Flaws and all. If you have to hide who you are to please someone else, that's being dishonest. See rule #1. 
3. Sex is CRUCIAL. Couples who don't have sex, scare me. Physical intimacy is SO important to a good relationship. It is how you connect on every level. It shows trust, comfort, passion, desire and so much more. And not only should you be having it (and often) but you should talk about it. Dan and I talk about everything, and sex is no exception. We know each other's likes and dislikes, fantasies and favorites. And we support them. If one of us wants to try something, we try it. Then we talk about it. Nothing is off limits. There is no embarrassment or shame. Why? Because we trust each other completely. And also... See #1.
4. Have fun together. If you can't laugh and have fun with your partner, you're doing something wrong. Dan and I are best friends. As corny as that sounds, it's the truth. We have a blast together. We act goofy and weird and laugh at each other. We wrestle and tease and joke. We find humor wherever we can, and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. 
5. Go to bed at the same time. Now I realize that this can't work for everyone, what with work schedules and such, but this is a big one for us. Falling asleep and waking up together is very important to us. Sometimes this means he naps on the couch for a bit, until I'm tired, and sometimes it means I lie awake for a few. But the comfort of being snuggled up to the one you love, and falling asleep in their warmth makes those occasions totally worth it. 
6. No TV in the bed room. Yup, that's right. In all the years we've been together, we've never had a TV in our room. We watch television in the living room, together. Do we always agree on what to watch? Of course not. But we compromise. And if I'm totally not interested in what he's watching, I play on the computer or read and vice-versa for him. But we are still next to each other, still able to talk and share, still together. That is very important to us. 
7. Share each other's interests. Luckily for us, we share many of the same hobbies and interests. But there are things that one of us may not be totally into. But we still do them together. Dan will craft with me and I help him in the garage. And we BOTH enjoy it. We learn from each other and we make memories. Dan doesn't have or want a "man cave". We don't want to hide from each other. We do things without one another, and that's fine, but we enjoy doing things together as well. And if you don't ever share in your partner's interests, how will you ever experience their joy? I LOVE seeing the look on Dan's face when he's doing something he enjoys. That makes me happy, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
8. Balance each other out. Each person has their strengths and weaknesses. That is just a fact. Instead of holding those weaknesses against the other, Dan and I use them as opportunities to help each other. We aren't perfect, and we understand that. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can figure out the best way to deal with those differences, and make them work. 
9. Communication. This should be a given for any relationship, but sadly I know it isn't for a lot of them. We talk about EVERYTHING. TMI? No such thing. I know that there isn't any subject off limits, and that is a huge comfort to me. No matter how crazy, weird, inappropriate or silly, I know I can talk about it with Dan. And he listens. He may laugh at me, or tell me I'm nuts, but he still listens. And I do the same for him. 
10. Do what works for you. At the end of the day, you are the ones in your relationship, so if something doesn't work for you, don't do it. The world isn't black and white, and neither are relationships. If you are both TRULY happy, that is all that matters. Don't let other people try to fit your relationship into their mold. Each person is different, therefore, each couple will be different. Many people thought that Dan & I wouldn't last, because we didn't fit "their idea" of a good relationship. But we said screw 'em, and did what felt right for us. Fifteen years later, and most of those couples are no longer together, yet here we are. Still going strong...

My Ideal Relationship

I recently read a post via a friend about marriage. It got me thinking that my idea of an ideal relationship is different than most. 
I've been with Dan for 15 years. (I should mention that we are NOT legally married, just in case that somehow makes a difference for someone.) We raised a son together, and lost him in a fatal car accident almost 8 months ago. So we've had our share of trials. Our relationship started off strong and fast. We dated for a couple weeks, then moved in together. Many people questioned our decision, but we didn't. At one point, early on, we did separate for a short time. This was a mutual and very difficult choice on both our parts, but we needed to do it. It was for the best in the long run, and we are both very grateful for that time. It taught us a great deal about ourselves and our strength as a couple. 
Being that we were fairly young when we began dating, we have obviously both changed a great deal in the last 15 years. But we have done it together. If we've discovered new interests, we've supported one another in them. We've changed homes, jobs, etc through the years, yet through it all we've remained strong. We truly are best friends. Not only do we LOVE spending time together, but even after all these years, we still get excited to see each other day after day. We go to bed together in each others arms every night, and we wake up that way every morning. We make each other laugh. We can and do act silly together all the time. We challenge each other to be better and we support one another regardless. We are a team. We each have our strengths and weaknesses and we own them. We talk about EVERYTHING. There is no subject that is off limits. We are 100% honest with the other all the time. Even when honesty isn't the easiest, we still are. We don't always agree, but we ALWAYS work it out. Compromise doesn't mean you always get your way. It means that your relationship is more important than always being right. 
We are each others biggest supporter and number 1 fan. We are there for each other through thick and thin. 
We have an incredible love life. Fifteen years later, and it is better than ever. Sex isn't just for teenagers and newlyweds. We are very open and honest about sex, and we have never hesitated to try new things and be open to one another's fantasies. There is 100% trust in our relationship, up to and including the bedroom. We are and always have been an affectionate couple. We hug and kiss (and smack each others asses) without shame or embarrassment. We love each other and it shows. That is something to be proud of, not something to hide. 
We have grown stronger over the years. We have grown closer, not further apart. We have outlasted many, many marriages of friends & family members. I never thought of myself as someone who would be in a 30, 40 or 50 year relationship. It seemed crazy and unrealistic to me. But it no longer does. I can picture Dan and I old and grey. Still laughing and having fun. Still best friends. Still grabbing ass and getting frisky. 
There is no formula for the perfect relationship. Each person and couple are different. Everyone brings their own wants, needs, expectations and baggage into a partnership. Some "rules" are basic common sense. Communication, honesty, attraction, etc. We know that without a good foundation, a relationship will fail. But what makes up a good, solid and happy relationship is as varied and unique as the people in it. My notion of the ideal marriage is not the same as someone else's. Nor should it be. I am not the same as someone else. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself "Am I truly happy?" and the answer is no, it's time to try something different. 

                                         Dan & I on a camping trip recently. 

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. For some, this is exciting and you can't wait. For others, it is the worst day of the year. For me, it's just another day...
I've never quite understood all the hype about Valentine's Day. And I worked for Hallmark for over a decade. It's just a day. It is exactly as important or as meaningless as you make it. 
Me, I prefer the Valentine's Days of old. When we made mailboxes out of tissue and cereal boxes and passed out funny and silly cards with lollipops attached. Everyone was included and it was just fun. No pressure, no stress, just good times. 
Now, I see all my friends in relationships stressing out over the perfect gift or date, and couples fighting about how important it is or isn't. Husbands cramming into stores for last minute flowers and cards, and restaurant lines filled with people who, if they were to be completely honest, would rather be home eating pizza and watching TV. I don't get it. If you love your spouse, you probably tell them that fairly often, right? (If not, maybe you should start.) Is a romantic gesture really that much more special or important because it came on February 14th? If your husband brought you flowers on April 6th, would you be angry? No, you'd probably think he's the best. So why does it matter? If you have a partner who loves, supports, respects and cares for you, why is 1 day out of a year so important? And if that is the ONLY day that your significant other shows you they care, you may want to rethink your relationship. 
And don't get me started on my single friends...
People, it is just another day. Why get yourself all worked up and depressed over it? Does being single on February 14th differ that much from being single on February 17th? I mean, let's be honest, it really doesn't. If you didn't own a calender, and had no idea what the day was, would you even care? The answer is no. If you like chocolates and flowers THAT much, go buy yourself some. Or better yet, get together with other single friends and treat each other. We put enough pressure on ourselves every day of the year, is it really necessary to add a cheesy holiday? Being single isn't the best, I understand that. But it's also not the worst. Think of the reasons you are single. Didn't that last guy treat you like crap? So would you honestly rather be back in a bad relationship? If you said yes, you need more therapy than I am equipped to offer... 
The point is, Valentines' Day is just a day. It's no different than any other, unless you make it so. So stop giving it so much power over you. 
If you are in a good relationship, be grateful for it. 365 days a year, not just one. Surprise your partner with messages of love, or little treats on occasion, don't wait for the world to tell you to do it. I'll take spontaneous acts of love over demanded ones any day of the year. 
And if you are single. Treat yourself to a massage, or plan a girls night. Do something to remind yourself that being single isn't a curse, and it isn't permanent. Good things come to those who wait, so be patient, and be good to yourself. Or do what I do, and buy a pack of kids Valentines, and pass them out to your friends. Attach a flower, or a candy bar, and make someone's day.
Just don't let one day out of a year become so important that you overlook the other 364. Happy Valentine's Day, my friends. You are all special, wonderful and beautiful to me. 

The Unique Bond of Sisters

I talk a lot about my brothers, because they are a very big and important part of my life, but I should also point out that I have an amazing big sister. She is almost 15 years older than me, so our relationship is different than most.
When I was very little, my big sister was my world. She was my hairstylist, my babysitter, my idol and my buddy. She would take me places with her & her friends and she treated me like I was the coolest thing since sliced bread. She & her friends would make me clothes in Home Ec, buy me toys, and teach me lots of new things. I loved every minute of it.
Unfortunately circumstances beyond my control took her from my life for many years. One day I just woke up and she was gone. I didn't know why, I only knew I missed her like crazy. I won't get into the details, let's just say sometimes things happen in a family, and people react harshly. Those reactions can lead to decisions and actions that snowball and greatly effect the people around them. I was too young to understand these things at the time, I only knew that someone very, very important to me was gone. This has a lasting effect on a person. After awhile, I started to realize she wasn't coming back, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I wrote her letters that I couldn't mail, and I slept with her picture under my pillow. I cried a lot. When you only have one sister, losing her leaves a hole that can never be filled.
Luckily for me, many years later, circumstances allowed us to be reunited. It wasn't easy, and with a big age gap, and so many missing years, it took time to rebuild our relationship. But we never gave up. We saw each other as often as we could, and we built a new kind of bond. We learned about each other, and talked about the things we had missed out on in each other's lives. Eventually, we formed a friendship. As I got older, and we had more in common, that friendship grew & it continues to grow to this day. She is more than just my big sister, she is my best friend. We don't talk every day, or even once a week. Sometimes we allow too much time to pass between visits, but we make up for it when we get together. I always know that no matter what, I can count on her to be there. No questions asked. She may not always understand me, or agree with me, but she always loves me. She often tells me I'm crazy, or bitchy, or a pain in the ass, but she does it with a smile and a laugh that tell me she loves me in spite of those things.
My sister never had it easy, but she always fought for what was important and she never gave up. She has a strength of character that is rare, and I admire it. She is far from perfect, and she doesn't try to be, and that is her best quality. She accepts people for who they are, and sees the best in them. She doesn't judge or criticize, and she's always willing to lend a hand to someone in need. She would give the shirt off her back to help a stranger and not think twice.
 Sometimes I wonder what our relationship would be like if we had never been apart. Would she still like me, or would she have grown tired of having her baby sister around? Would we have the same appreciation for one another as we do, for having been seperated? I don't know, and I never will. All I do know is that I have an amazing big sister, and she means the world to me, and I probably don't tell her that enough. So this one's for you, sis. I love you.

 

I don't have a lot of photos of my sissy and I (she's a *tad* camera shy)

but I've always loved this one of us from many years ago.