Bad Days... Grief Style

We all have bad days. Those mornings when you know from the moment your eyes open that things are just not going to go well. 
With Grief, those days are not uncommon. But they don't have to start bad. They can change at any given moment, for any reason, or no reason at all. After losing a child, you are NEVER the same again. You have what I refer to as a "new normal" and it is far from normal. Most days it means hanging on to your sanity by a thread. A very frayed, tattered and weak thread...
These bad days are not the kind of days where a good laugh, a tall drink or any amount of sheer willpower can fix. They cannot be "shaken off" and you can't just decide to "get over" them. They will come and go as they please. The best you can do is try and stay positive, distracted and hope it eventually passes before full on depression sets in. That's it. There's no magic cure or instant fix. It is just a part of the "new normal" that Grieving parents learn to deal with. And if you have a loved one who is going through this, just be kind. Invite them to lunch or to go for a walk, ask them if they want to talk about how they're feeling, give them a hug or just sit with them. But don't tell them to suck it up, or move on. Don't tell them that being sad doesn't change anything. Don't remind them of the reasons they have to feel better. None of that matters, and it is just going to piss them off. A Grieving parent can NOT change how they feel. Nor should they be asked to. We lost a part of ourselves that we can never get back. Our heart is not merely broken, it is shattered beyond recognition. And though you may be able to sympathize, unless you have experienced it, you cannot truly understand. So don't pretend to. Don't compare what they are feeling to anything else. There is no comparison. Period. 
Dealing with a Grieving parent is a practice in patience and compassion. It is not for everyone. That is something I learned almost immediately. There will be few people who step up to the challenge and MANY who walk away. You just learn to accept it. Most people just want you to go back to how you were before the loss of your child. They want you to not be sad, or angry or hurt. They want you to move on, because they've moved on. What people need to understand is that you NEVER go back to who you were before. That person died with your child. You become a new and different version of yourself. You will always be sad, angry and hurt. And you will NEVER move on. You learn to deal, you continue living, but some part of your heart and soul remain frozen with the loss. Does this mean a Grieving parent cries all the time? Or is bitter and angry constantly? Not at all. (Though I'm sure there are some who are.) We still laugh and smile and find happiness in things. But there is a layer of sadness and pain below the surface at all times. And sometimes, it breaks through. Without permission or logic. Trust me, we don't like it any more than you do. But it is our reality. 
I hate Bad Days. I have always prided myself on being able to control my emotions and keep myself in check. Those days are long gone. Now, anything from a commercial, to a bag of cheese balls can trigger an emotional reaction. Public displays of emotion are the worst, but I'll be damned if they don't happen. Grief takes one look at your pride and says "Watch this." and makes of mockery of it. Grief wreaks havoc on even the best waterproof mascara. 
Bad Days and Grief go hand in hand. There is no way around it. So you do what you have to do to get through them and that's it. Personally, I use sarcasm and snarkiness as a tool, but that's certainly not for everyone. So if you are having a Bad Day, don't get angry at yourself. Just accept that you need some time and do whatever you have to. Scream, cry, eat, run, etc. There is no right or wrong solution. Don't let other people (who have no idea what you are going through) tell you how to feel or act. And if you have those amazing people, who have stepped up to the plate and continued to support you, turn to them. More than anything, they want to comfort and help... so let them. (I need to remember these things, too.)