Let's get something clear. Men are not our enemy. The majority of complaints I see and hear from women about men should be directed at ourselves, and not at the male sex. Yes, you heard me, I said at ourselves. We can't put all men into the same category. When they do that to us, we freak the fuck out. So why is it acceptable to do it to them? It's not. So stop.
That being said, I want to address a topic that has come up more and more lately, and offer my unsolicited opinion on it. That topic is catcalling.
For starters, we need to make a clear distinction between aggressive attention, and normal human behavior. When I hear women complain about being catcalled, I've found that a large percentage of the things they are referencing are far from offensive.
Let's start with normal human behavior.
It is absolutely not abnormal for people to want to look at things we find pleasing to the eye. This is true for art, nature, and the human form. There are scientific reasons for it, that I will not go into right now, but let's just sum it up as instinctual. We all do it. Our eyes will linger on things that appeal to us. Does that mean we should stare, open mouthed, for hours at a stranger on the subway? Of course not. But we absolutely cannot shame everyone who does a double take. We've all done it.
When we get up each day, shower, do our hair, put on some makeup, pick out the perfect outfit, and go out into the world, why are we doing this? We do it to look and feel our best. But we also do it so that we get noticed. And anyone who says differently is lying. It's why we get mad at our partners when they don't notice a new outfit or hairstyle. So why then, do we take such offense when someone actually notices? Here's what I think.
I think more often than not, it's less about the action and more about the person it is coming from. I have seen countless examples of this. A woman is at the grocery store and a well dressed, attractive man compliments her. She blushes, smiles, and thanks him. That same woman is later complimented (in a nearly identical manner, mind you) by the less attractive, and maybe not so well dressed bag boy. She is instantly offended. Apparently it's only flattering if the person is someone you find appealing. Is this always the case? No. But I have seen this happen more times than I can count. So there is definitely something to it.
Another thing I see a lot is women taking offense to a simple hello, or how are you. Umm... we do understand that greetings like these are how conversations are started, right? Maybe we're having a bad day. Maybe we're in a hurry, or are too busy to chat. Fine. But you can't blame someone for trying. They don't know that. They merely saw someone they found attractive or interesting, and they wanted to start a dialogue. Does this qualify as unwanted attention? I suppose by some definitions it does. But it's far from offensive behavior, and certainly not worth bashing someone for. There was once a time before social media and smart phones, when this was how people met and got to know one another.
Now, I don't deny there are some men (and women) who take things too far. It happens. Lewd remarks, gestures, and rude or aggressive approaches are a very real thing, and they definitely need to stop. And I for one, have no issues telling those who do these things to "Fuck off". But the reality is, that we cannot put all forms of behavior and intent in the same bucket. And we cannot solely blame men. Personally, I have been offended much more often by women giving me the once over, followed by a dirty look and negative remark or attitude, than I ever have been by men. Without question, I feel way more judged by other females than I do by males.
When I said earlier that much of what we want to male bash on should be directed at ourselves, this is what I meant. We can't fault someone for looking at something we put on display. (I said looking, not leering and certainly not touching. Let's be very clear on that.) Do we have to dress a certain way so that no one looks at us? Of course not. But we also have to accept that if we're exposing ourselves, sometimes, people are going to look. Once again, that's human nature. Right or wrong. Yes, there is such a thing as self control, and without a doubt, some folks need a lesson in it. Looking at a young girl in tight pants and a low cut top and thinking (or saying) inappropriate things is no less wrong than staring at the heavy set woman in Wal-Mart in the spandex mini skirt and doing the same. Yet, I see and hear countless women snickering and making snide remarks about people like that, while in the same breath bitching about a man saying "nice ass" when she wears her yoga pants to a club. Why is one acceptable, but not the other? Judgment is judgment. Women are very often guilty of this behavior, and that makes us no better than the men whistling at you when you walk by. At least, in some twisted way, that man thinks he's paying you a compliment. When we make fun of someone's bad hair, and terrible fashion choices, there is nothing flattering about it. We can't be preaching one and then doing the other.
We also can't blame men for our own internal issues. Being self conscious, feeling nervous, being shy, or lacking self worth are not the fault of the person trying to interact with you. Some things that may make you feel uncomfortable can't be blamed on others, and instead need to be addressed by you. If someone pays you a genuine compliment, and you don't know how to accept it.... that is on you.
I'm sure this will probably offend some ladies. And that's fine. I've yet to please everyone, so I don't expect to start now. But I think if we were to be brutally honest with ourselves, and really think about it, we'd know that there is a lot of truth to what I've said here. As always, there are exceptions to every rule. And this post is by no means giving people permission to be inappropriate and disgusting. And if you are one of those guys (or gals) who thinks it's cute and/or funny to act like a sexist pig... knock it off. If you ever want to have sex with someone other than yourself, I strongly suggest learning some manners.
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