If I Had An Advice Column

People often ask me for my advice on things. I'm not sure if it's with the intention of listening, or doing the opposite, but I'm flattered just the same. I'm far from a role model. But I am brutally honest, so there is that. If you appreciate that sort of thing. If you don't... well then, I'm probably not the right person to talk to.
Anywho, the point is, I'm not exactly qualified to offer advice. But I don't let that stop me. Most of the time the "professionals" like to sugar coat things too much, and that's just not my style.
So today, for your entertainment, I'm offering up my relationship advice. Just to save the haters the trouble, I'll include this disclaimer: I'm not an expert. I AM in a very happy 16+ year relationship though, so take from this what you will.

1. Commitment should not equate giving up. I see this all the time, and rarely with positive results. Just because you've landed your partner, doesn't mean your job is done. You don't get to stop trying now. Yes, it's ok for him to see you without your make-up from time to time, but that doesn't mean that you quit exercising, and live in sweat pants for the remainder of your life either. Look in the mirror. Ask yourself honestly: Would YOU want to have sex with that? If the answer is no, than odds are, your partner doesn't want to either. If you get yourself all done up when you go out, but never for the person you share your life with... that's a problem. Our spouses are the people we should most want to impress. Yet so often, they get the short end of the stick.

2. Jealousy will get you nowhere. It's called the green headed monster for a reason. Because it's not pretty. If you can't and don't trust the person you are with... then you shouldn't be with them. Period. There are no exceptions to this. If you have to stalk your partners social media, check their phone, and constantly question what they're doing, you need to get help. The problem isn't with them, it's with you. Because that means that either A) you've found a reason to be mistrustful, so you shouldn't be with them anyway, or B) you are a psycho jealous person, and are going to push them away with your craziness. Trust is absolutely key in a good, healthy relationship. Without that, you have nothing.

3. Who cares if they look? This goes along with #2 fairly well. I see and hear so many couples fight over their partner looking at or talking to a member of the opposite sex. And God forbid they say they think that person is attractive. (Insert the fires of Hell here) That is so ignorant. It is absolutely normal and natural to appreciate beauty in all its forms. Why is it ok for someone to say they'd sleep with a celebrity if they had the chance, but not the guy or girl next door? Is it because we see celebrities as unattainable, so that makes it ok? If you see a woman with a cute baby, do you automatically want to steal that baby? Or a guy with an adorable little puppy. Do you immediately snatch that puppy? Of course not! You know why? Because that would be stupid. And so is the idea that every person your partner looks at is a threat to you. Being in a committed relationship does not make us stop appreciating attractive people. It doesn't even make us automatically shut off the part of ourselves that flirts and appreciates compliments. The occasional ego boost can be perfectly harmless and even healthy.

4. Do you talk to your partner like you talk to your friends? When you get together with your friends, what do you talk about? Would you have that same conversation with your partner? If the answer is no, why not? Aren't our partners supposed to be our friends too? If you can't share all the things that are on your mind, INCLUDING complaints about each other, with your spouse, then you will constantly be looking to fill that void somewhere else. This leads to the couples I see with totally separate lives. Some time apart is a good thing, and healthy, but if you cannot also enjoy time alone together... that is a problem.

5. Are you still the same person you were before you got married/committed? Are your hobbies the same? Do you still practice the same religion? Do you still maintain friendships that predated your relationship? If you answered no to any of those, ask yourself why. Oftentimes when we are in a long term relationship, we find ourselves changing to accommodate the other person. That's totally normal, and you should do that to some extent. But if you are becoming someone else entirely, that is a problem. I've never liked the popular wedding quote about two people becoming one. Because in my eyes, I can't help but think someone has gone missing. Joining your life with someone else's doesn't mean that you cease to exist. If you like baseball, and your partner prefers basketball, it's fine if you buy a Pistons jersey and start attending games. But if you have to give up the Tigers in order to do it... that's a problem. Couples should try to enjoy each others hobbies, and take an interest in the things their partners appreciate. Not expect one or the other to sacrifice what makes them who they are.

6. Making sex a priority. This is something that I cannot stress enough. Sex is so much more important in a healthy relationship than people give it credit for. Not only is it important for bonding and intimacy, but it's also great for your mental and physical health, self esteem, and more. It is a fact that couples who have sex regularly are happier and healthier overall. There have been countless scientific studies proving this. I hate when I hear couples make excuses for why they aren't having sex. If you have time to watch TV, play on the computer, and bake a cake... you have time for sex. And having kids is not an excuse either. I personally think couples who have kids should have sex even more often. Sex is a natural stress reliever, pain killer, mood lifter, and what parent doesn't need that? And regular sex helps couples stay closer, which has countless benefits for kids. Parents are the first and most important example of relationships that children see. If your kids see happy, affectionate, loving parents, they too will seek out that type of a connection when they grow up. If they see distant, cold, angry parents, that is what they will assume is normal & healthy. Not to mention couples that are closer and more intimate will most likely have better communication and a stronger bond. This comes in handy when raising children, since you should both be on the same team. So have sex. As much as possible. Seriously... just do it.

Ok, so I could go on and on, but then this would be too long, and no one would read it. The point is, there is no such thing as a perfect couple. And what works for one couple may not work for another. But that doesn't mean that some things aren't just basic common sense. Trust, communication, intimacy... those are crucial. Without those things... a relationship just cannot last. At least not happily.
**If you want my advice on relationships, or anything else, please don't hesitate to contact me, and I'll gladly assist in any way I can. ;)

My Unsolicited Advice Part 2: Public/Social Behavior

I believe I've established my level of bluntness. It's often mistaken for bitchy-ness, but I don't think the two are universally entwined. I can be bitchy without being blunt, and vice versa. Though, when giving unsolicited advice, it may come across as both. Oh well... I won't lose any sleep over it. Onward and upward! Today's topic du jour is: Public/Social Behavior. As with the fashion post, I will select 10 points to focus on. For now....
1. Common courtesy. Where oh where have good manners gone?! When did it become popular practice to be rude? These days, the simple act of holding a door for someone is like spotting a unicorn fart. Rare and almost unseen. And what about minding our Ps & Qs? (I still don't know what that stands for, but I know what it means.) Please, thank you, you're welcome, etc. are still magic words. And as much as I loathe being called Ma'am, I fully appreciate the respect behind it. (But, for the record, I prefer Miss, Sugar, Darlin', Young Lady... you get the point.) Common decency is becoming a thing of the past, and I'm not ok with that. Women, if you want to be treated like a lady, start acting like one. Men, if you want a real lady, be a real gentleman. It's just not that hard. Hold doors, be kind to others, give up your seat for someone elderly or pregnant, offer a stranger a hand, and just stop being such an a-hole. Please and thank you.
2. Children. Seriously, parents... what the hell is going on? Do you really think it's a good idea to take your toddler to an R rated film? If I wanted to hear constant screaming through my movie, I would have went to see a slasher flick. And I have no issues with children in restaurants, as long as they stay at their own table. I get it, kids will cry, they'll be loud, and sometimes, they might even throw a fork. But strap them in, and keep that to your own area. Little Annie might be adorable, but I don't want her sticky fingers in my hair, or my soup. This isn't your home, so you need to be respectful of others, and at least attempt to keep your spawn in check. If you don't want to do that, stay home.
3. Old folks. I'm getting sick and tired of rude, pushy, and entitled old people. You are not exempt from simple courtesies just because you survived 60+ years on this Earth. We don't owe you any favors. IF we choose to offer them, be appreciative. Senior discounts are a privilege, not a right. You don't get to demand a store give you something for nothing. Also, if you cannot drive the posted speed limit, see over the wheel, park, or handle your vehicle, give up your license. I understand that this is difficult, but your selfish need for independence is endangering others, and that is not acceptable. If your loved ones, and the government don't have the balls to tell you as much, I will.
4. Public fighting. I have two words for people who do this. Grow. Up. Is this the playground? Should the rest of us circle around you shouting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" and pumping our fists? Unless you are defending yourself against an assailant, there is no excuse for this. And this applies to immature couples who want to have dramatic and public arguments, as well. Take your trash home. The rest of us have no desire to witness your ignorance.
5. Tipping. Let me just go out on a limb here and suggest we make this mandatory, instead of optional. If you can't afford to tip your wait staff, then stay home and eat. That waiter/waitress has probably worked longer and harder than you, has dealt with rude, demanding, and stupid customers, and is making squat. They survive on tips. If you have a genuine complaint about your service (and it is the waiter's fault) ask to speak with a manager, and let them know. But don't under tip a waitress because the cook put too much salt on your fries, or because a spoon wasn't clean enough. They have no control over that, and there is only so much they can do. Be generous with the tips. Especially if you have a large group, fussy family members, and around the holidays.
6. Following along that theme, stop being rude to service people. Waiters, clerks, janitors, etc. all work just as hard as you do, and deserve just as much respect. Be polite, use manners, and have some patience. They are only trying to do their job, and it is not their fault that you can't find your credit card, are running late, or that your child is hungry. If you don't like something about a store, send them an email, or fill out a comment card. But don't take it out on the person behind the register. They don't make the rules, and  most likely don't have the power to change them.
7. Cell phones. Unless you are stuck in the toilet, or are suffering from a medical emergency, you have no business being on a phone in a public restroom. First of all, it's just gross. Are you tweeting about your bowel movement? And secondly, IT'S JUST GROSS! I think Aunt Betty will understand if you have to call her back. While I'm on the subject, just because your phone is mobile, doesn't mean you need to actually be on it EVERYWHERE. I don't want to hear about your daughter's rash, or your son's vomiting while I eat. I also don't want to hear you argue with your boss or husband while I'm buying groceries. And if you want the cashier to take your savings card, get off the phone and have it ready for them. Having the ability to communicate with anyone at anytime is great, but get it under control.
8. Drinking. Now, I'm Irish and Scottish, so me likey my alcohol. But I also know how much is too much, and when to say when. Nothing is more irritating than obnoxious drunk people. Especially when those people are grown ass adults. If you can't go to a restaurant, party, wedding, or social gathering without getting shit faced, you are an idiot. Have a few drinks. Have more than a few drinks, even, but know your limits. If you can't control your feet, your mouth, or your bodily functions, you've had too much. I enjoy a good time as much as the next gal, but I also like to remember it.
9. Socially selfish. You know the types. They leave their car parked in front of a handicap ramp, so they don't have to get their fancy shoes wet on a rainy day. They hold up a line because they couldn't get off the phone and get their checkbook out and ready. They block the entire aisle at the store with their cart, and when you say "Excuse me." to get around it, they look at you like YOU'RE the rude one. This blatant unawareness, and ME, ME, ME mentality is disgusting. Pay attention to your surroundings, and think about how your actions might affect others, and quit being so self absorbed.
10. PDA. I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for this one, but this drives me nuts. Holding hands, hugging, even light kissing, is fine. I am even guilty of it. But the couples who want to dry hump each other in a theatre, booth, or middle of the mall... come on. You are obviously desperate for attention, or trying to prove something to someone. This isn't seven minutes in Heaven, or whatever the kids are playing these days, so keep your groping to a minimum. Or to quote every 10 year old... "Get a room!"
Well... that concludes today's unsolicited advice. Stay tuned for Part 3.

My Unsolicited Advice Part 1: Fashion

Hi, my name is Teena, and I like to share my opinions with others. Some people require buckets of alcohol to be filter-less, but not me. I'm just naturally outspoken. It's a gift, really. On my resume, brutal honesty should be listed as a skill. It's not, but I'm considering adding it. But I digress....
Surprisingly enough, for as often as I don't keep my trap shut, I really do bite my tongue A LOT. It's true. Why do I do this? Well for starters, there really is a time and place, and though I may not be known for it, I do actually have tact. So sometimes, I just smile and grit my teeth. All the while secretly hoping that someone else is less tactful. Or drunk. But then it dawned on me.... I HAVE A BLOG. So while I may be expected to occasionally zip my lips, I can always write whatever the hell I want. So today, my friends, I am going to get some things off my chest that I would normally keep to myself. Because, well... I can.
Today, I'd like to start with fashion. Now, let it be known, that I am no expert in this field. I wear what I like, and what is comfortable. That being said, there are some basic dos and don'ts. Here are a few:
1. Don't wear Crocs. I mean seriously... are you avidly avoiding sex? Did you just come from cleaning up a crime scene? Do you have flippers where you should have feet? Crocs are the herpes of footwear, and they should be avoided at all costs. Personally, I'd walk bare foot over broken glass and fire before I put them on my feet.
2. Tights are for UNDER something. A long sweater dress, a pretty skirt, etc. They are not pants. And while I'm on the subject, let's go easy on the leggings, gals. I don't want to see your camel toe. NO ONE wants to see your camel toe. There is a proper way to wear leggings, and I hate to say this, but 85% of you ladies are doing it wrong.
3. Skinny jeans are for ladies. Period. There is no exception. If you fellas like to wear your denim a bit more snug, more power to ya, but if you require Crisco and an extra set of hands to get into it... No. Just no. And also... just like the name suggests, skinny jeans really are for the skinny. There is nothing wrong with curves, but wrapping them in something much too tight is not flattering.
4. Why, hipsters, why? We get it, you're artsy, edgy, non mainstream, and you were all those things BEFORE it was cool. But do you have to look so douchey? Wool caps & scarves are for winter. And stop giving glasses a bad name. I wear glasses because without them, I can't see. You asshats wear them for no reason, and now suddenly all of us visually challenged folks are being lumped in with you, and it's pissing me off. Now go drink your PBR in a dark corner somewhere, and bitch about society.
5. Can we all just agree to stop wearing Ed Hardy, Tap Out, and Affliction shirts? It just makes you look like a tool.
6. Yoga pants are for yoga. Shocking, I know. Apparently putting the name in the title wasn't informative enough. So let me just make sure this is clear. YOGA PANTS ARE FOR YOGA. Did you get it that time? Unless you are on your way to, currently practicing, or immediately coming from yoga... change your damn pants. I don't care how good they make your ass look. If you are actually doing yoga that much, your ass should look that great in anything.
7. Pajamas and sweats are not acceptable in public. It takes no more effort to put on real clothes. You want to know why you're single, no one will hire you, and people treat you like shit? Because you look like a mess. If you want to be taken seriously, start with how you present yourself to the world. You want people to respect you? Respect yourself enough to not look like a lazy piece of trash. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, and put on real pants.
8. Hey gangsta... pull your pants up. First of all, it's hardly practical to run from the police while holding up your drawers. Second, the only place it's ok to bust a sag that big, is in the bathroom. You don't have swagger, you just look like an idiot.
9. If you can't walk in heels that high, don't wear heels that high. Or practice first, so you don't look like you have a broomstick up your ass. They're shoes, it's not a tightrope act. If you struggle that much to keep your balance, you're doing it wrong. And don't feel too bad if you can't walk in the stilettos, because, let's be honest... they were made to wear whilst lying down anywho.
10. If you think it's too tight, short, low cut, or inappropriate, it probably is. Now don't get me wrong, I like a deep V as much as the next gal, but maybe wearing it to volunteer (bent over) with children all day isn't the best idea. And while that micro mini and stripper shoes are perfect for a night at the club, they probably aren't suitable for a job interview. Ya get me?

Well... that is my unsolicited advice for today. You're welcome.

Wedding Planning Advice Part 1

After almost 15 years in the wedding consulting business, I learned a few things. Since wedding season is right around the corner, it seemed like a good time to share some of that knowledge . Since there are a lot of aspects involved in planning a wedding, I am going to do this in a few parts. Today I will cover invitations.
Here are my rules on selecting and ordering your invites.

1. Set a budget and stick to it. It's easy to get sucked in to the elaborate designs and add ons, but more often than not, they aren't worth it. Remember, people just read it and throw it away, so spend that extra money on something more worthwhile, like food or entertainment.
2. Limit your opinions. It is your wedding, so yours is the only opinion that matters. Just like with anything else, people will try to convince you to do this or that, and it only makes it more stressful. You wouldn't let your mother-in-law pick your dress, so don't let her pick your invitations either.
3. Keep in mind that your invitation informs people not only of the time and place, but also the level of formality. If you send them an invitation with a palm tree and a luau look, they will assume it is a casual affair and dress accordingly. If your invitation is very traditional and formal looking, they will show up in suits and dresses. So pick carefully.
4. Be smart when choosing your font. Everyone always thinks you have to select the most decorative styling when it comes to the font, but I recommend the more simple, clean texts. Always look at the complete alphabet in whatever font you are considering. Look at the letters in your names, locations, etc. Does the capital J look like an L? Is the script clear and easy to read? Remember, not everyone has 20/20 vision and older guests especially have a hard time with smaller type, and that's before you add all the curlicues and flare. Also, keep in mind ink color. Yes, pale pink will match your design, but will you be able to read it? Often there is an additional charge for color and black ink is included, so just take that into consideration.
5. Add ons. When it comes to these, I usually say stick with your budget. I do generally recommend response cards, because they are important, but no one likes to open an invitation and have enough paper to write a novel with fall out. Also, the more items you stuff in, the higher the weight, thus added postage costs. So unless they have to choose an entree, skip the menus. Buy your own thank you notes, they are cheaper at the stores and generally offer a wider selection. Maps can be printed at home or Kinkos, Office Max, etc. for much less. Again my advice of keep it simple comes into play.
6. Do your research. If you are ordering online, ask to have a sample mailed to you. Many people describe colors & materiels differently, and you don't want to have a last minute surprise on your hands. Also, be sure to ask about assembly. If your invitation has ribbon, vellum, etc. it may not come complete. This can be a lot of extra work, so make sure to find that out. Also, some stores may have additional charges for shipping, colored inks, extra lines, and more, so be sure to read the fine print and ask questions.
7. Mail them out in time. Standard notice for a wedding invitation is 2 months. If you are having it on a holiday or out of town, where they will need to find a hotel, I recommend adding a month to that, or sending save the dates. Also, some of the new invitation designs are coming with postcards attatched as response cards. These are great, but DO NOT use postcard postage. Postcards are not sent first class mail, and may take weeks or even months to arrive. Use first class postage or skip that design all together.
8. Do what feels right. No two people are the same, so no two weddings should be the same. Keep this in mind when selecting your invites. Maybe you like the traditional design, but prefer a more modern script. Or maybe you want to write your own verse. As long as you include the important information, and stick with your budget, I say go right ahead. This is your guests first peek into your wedding, so don't just settle for ordinary. Be creative, but be smart. And if you have any questions regarding invitaions or anything wedding related, please don't hesitate to ask. I am happy to share my knowledge and experience. Happy Planning!! XOXO