For anyone who thinks that their marriage or relationship doesn't affect their children's lives... think again.
A child's earliest examples of how couples interact, and what is acceptable behavior in a relationship come from seeing their parents together. Whether they realize it or not, they will most likely follow those examples later on, when choosing a partner.
This begs the question... What example are you setting? I often hear people in bad or unhappy relationships make excuses, and say things like "Well, we are staying together for the kids." and I can't help but wonder why. If you are unhappy in your relationship, why is it ok to subject your children to that? Do your kids not deserve to have the best possible version of you in their lives? Do they not deserve to see an example of a healthy, happy marriage? Do you think that they don't see and feel the anger, animosity and negativity?
And if you can "make it work" in the same home long enough for your children to grow, why can't you make it work apart?
Now I know that single parents and mixed families often get a bad rap, and I know it isn't always the ideal situation, but it CAN work. Many, many children grow up with step parents and suffer no adverse effects. It IS possible. Getting out of a bad relationship can teach your kids self respect, morals, the value of happiness, growth and more. Staying in a bad relationship can teach them how to accept less than they are worth, that love and happiness aren't worth seeking, how to settle, and that change is scary and impossible. What lessons would you rather your kids learn?
Seeing the most important people in your life happy, affectionate, sincere, trusting and genuine goes a long way in teaching children how to have those things themselves.
This leads me to my next point. If you are a single parent, you are still entitled to happiness. Does this mean putting YOUR happiness above the safety and well being of your children? No. But it does sometimes mean that your children may have to accept a change that they don't immediately want to. That's ok. They WILL get over it. Especially if that change shows them positive things. If they are used to a sad, angry, tired, depressed parent, and they see a more joyous, kind, energetic and loving version of you, they will start to see that change can be for the better.
And if you are a single parent, please... I beg of you, use good judgment when bringing new people into your child's life. Don't introduce them to every person you meet, and don't allow them to grow attached to someone, if you honestly don't see a future with that person. That is unfair to them. And will only cause you problems in the future. Be smart, choose wisely, and don't be in a hurry to find a new partner. But what is without a doubt, the most important thing you can do as a divorced or separated parent is to NEVER make your ex into the bad one. YOU chose to make children with that person, and those children are HALF of them as well, and they love mom AND dad. By telling them that their parent is a terrible person, you are also essentially telling them that they are a terrible person for being part of them and/or for loving them. Don't make them chose a favorite, and don't make them a pawn in some kind of game. Don't bad mouth your ex in front of, or to your kids. Don't make it uncomfortable for your children to be in the same place as both of you, for there will be MANY times in their lives that they will want or need you both there, and they should never be made to choose or feel torn. Don't talk cruelly about someone your ex is married to or dating, either. It is hard enough to be a step parent without mom or dad making it worse. Be as respectful and kind as possible, and do your best to create a situation that is positive for the kids. When split families can get along, and work well together, that is even more love and support in the child's life, and that is not a bad thing. You are no longer with your ex, so their flaws and faults are no longer your concern. And if they do affect you somehow, deal with it privately and leave the kids out of it.
I could go on and on about this topic, but I think you get the point.
Your relationships DO effect your children, and it is important to understand and accept that. Personally, I think it is something you should consider thoroughly BEFORE having kids with someone, but at the very least after. So if you love your kids, show them that you also love yourself enough to be genuinely happy, and teach them how to have good relationships.
Last weekend was the one year anniversary of losing our son. I wasn't sure what to expect emotionally, but I figured it would be fairly awful. I wasn't wrong...
Every day since losing Zach has been difficult. Some more so than others, but none have been easy. Reminders of what we lost are everywhere. There is no avoiding the memories that flood your mind, and replay like a film strip through your head. I see his face in crowds, and have to constantly remind myself that it's not him.
So when people say "It gets easier with time." they are lying. Or they've never lost a child. It does not, in fact, get easier. Judging by this past week, I'd say it gets harder.
One year has passed. One birthday, one Christmas, one Mother's/Father's day, one Labor day, Memorial day, Easter, etc. Just one. Three hundred and sixty five days. But how many more to go? Dan and I are still considered young, so how many more trips around the sun do we have to go? And all of them without our child. The thought of surviving even one more day is often too difficult a task... Especially this past week. This has been one of the hardest weeks for me in some time. I have felt physically weak, sick, exhausted, angry and hopeless. I have barely eaten or slept. I have found myself crying and unable to stop, several times. And I have watched the love of my life suffering as well, and felt powerless to help him.
So when does this "easier with time" part begin? When does seeing parents and children together stop making your chest ache? When can you walk by your child's room, without looking in & hoping to see them? When does answering the "Do you have kids?" questions stop causing panic attacks? How long does it take before dusting the box that holds your son's remains becomes "normal"? So far, I can honestly say the answer isn't a year.
I know we have no choice but to take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. But it is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And there are many days when I doubt my ability to go on. When I can't fake a smile any longer. When trying to stay positive gets to be too much, and I just break down. When I want nothing more than to close my eyes and pretend this has all just been a bad dream. When I would give anything to see my husband's eyes light up, even if just for a few minutes. To be able to give him even a little of the joy back that he has lost.
This is our struggle. Our path in this life. And I have to cling to the idea that there is a reason for it. That we are meant to carry this burden for some purpose. And I know that Zach is always watching us, and I refuse to let him down. So I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on as best I can. I will continue to channel my son's energy and love of life, and I will remind myself that I am doing it for him. And in my darkest moments, I will close my eyes and picture his smile.
We survived one year... We can do this...
My little family... My heart and soul.
We just recently returned from, what I can only describe as an adventure in West Virginia, where we went to spectate at a stage rally event. I often get asked "What is rally?" and I realize that I have a hard time explaining it. There are several types of rally, from WRC, rally cross (rallyX), Global Rally Cross, Rally America and NASA events, etc. They all share similarities, but they are also different. If you want to know all the details, my best suggestion is Google or YouTube.
If you want to know how I describe rally... keep reading.
Dan and I have been fans of rally for many years. From the earliest videos we saw of Colin McRae, to watching guys like Tanner Foust and Ken Block at the X Games. Rally sucked us in big time. We've always been fans of car racing and any car related event, but this was.... different. It combined not only wicked fast and awesome cars, but driving skill that went far beyond a quarter mile, straight line.
I've told you the story of how we intended on building a car as a family and racing. And how after losing our son, that plan changed. I've also told you how Dan and I have decided to carry on that dream together, in Zach's memory.
Since making that decision, we have taken steps towards it, by slowly building a rally car, entering local rally x events, and volunteering and spectating at stage rallies. We want to learn the ins and outs of rally, and have as much knowledge and experience behind us as possible. Little did we know that these acts would lead to so much more...
From our earliest encounters in the rally world, we quickly learned that this was more than a sport. It was more than cars driving thru dirt, snow, gravel, etc. It was more than turbos, tires and exhaust fumes. It was more than long hauls to remote places, with no sleep. It was a world of its own. Rally is more often than not, a grassroots thing. It's people who work hard, build their own cars, and make sacrifices to do what they do. And they do it for one reason. Because they love it. Plain and simple. And all of that shows the instant you step into this world. The rally world is amazing. It is filled with so many colorful, kind and awesome people. It is a competition, yes. But it is also a family. They help one another out as much as possible, they support each other and they do it without thought. It is just who they are. Every person in rally has a story. Why they do it. What brought them there. Struggles, sacrifices, etc. It is incredible to be a part of.
And it isn't just the drivers, co-drivers and teams. It's even the fans. For example, while down in West Virginia, our car broke down (no, we were not in the rally, this was our daily driver car) and we were literally stranded in the middle of nowhere, with zero cell reception and nothing around for miles. While out spectating, we had started chatting with a couple of guys there, and when they saw our situation, they didn't just offer to help. They insisted. They stood in the pouring rain with us, sat on the edge of the road for what felt like eternity, gave us rides and more. And all of this without a moments hesitation. We ended up spending the weekend hanging out with them and became instant friends. And as crazy as that sounds... it's par for the course in the world of rally. Everyone helps everyone, and these people become instant friends. You may not see them often, and you may live worlds apart. It doesn't matter. There are no strangers in rally. Only friends you haven't made yet. We have only been a part of this world for a short time, and already there are so many people that we've met, that I cannot imagine not having in my life. Their kindness, compassion and friendship have helped us in so many ways.
So what is rally? It's a family. It's a lifestyle. It's... the best. And If you've never experienced it, you really should. Because once you get sucked in... there's no turning back.
