Bring on the Thunderdome

People get excited for different things. They look forward to a movie release, or a vacation. Me, I'm looking forward to the Apocalypse. 
You probably think I'm crazy to say that, and there's a solid possibility that I am, but it's the truth. 
You're probably wondering why. Well... for lots of reasons. Here are 8 reasons why I am excited for the End of Days. 

1. I plan on surviving it.
Maybe that sounds arrogant. And that's fine. But the reality is, I think I'm pretty equipped to deal with whatever the end brings. For starters, I don't panic in sketchy situations. I am capable of keeping my wits about me, and dealing with the task at hand, even when those around me are freaking out. I'm capable of thinking outside the box, and coming up with creative problem solving, which is crucial during an apocalypse. 

2. I'm married to a beast.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "But Teena, you can't fight off the zombies on your own." And you're right, I can't. Luckily for me, I'm partnered up with the Bald Terminator. He doesn't even need fancy weapons. Give him a hammer and look the fuck out. Not only is he smart and strong, but with his handy skills, and my crafty skills, we will totally have the most bad ass shelter around. 

3. The vehicles.
Have you seen Mad Max? I mean, c'mon. I can't wait to raid parking lots and junk yards and build the meanest, fastest, most sick ride around. Think rally car meets military Humvee. That bitch will drive over, around, and through anything (and anyone) that gets in its way. 

4. Mass clean up. 
The world is overrun with stupid people. And if you think that's not true, odds are, you're among them. The fact is, we are long overdue for a cleansing. Survival of the fittest and natural selection will make a much needed comeback, and dammit, I am ready for that. 

5. I have a particular set of skills.
Ok, so I'm no Liam Neeson, but I do have a random assortment of talents that are relatively useless in the world we currently live in, but would come in hella handy in a post apocalyptic society.

6. What better way to cure boredom?
Routines are ok, but they definitely get old at some point. The same drive day after day. The same dinners night after night. The same views, people, and activities on repeat. But if you're fighting to survive, you'd be moving a lot, dealing with new challenges, and would probably rarely get bored. Plus, the constant adrenaline would make for some insane sex. Amiright? 

7. Who needs sleep?
I have horrible insomnia, and have had it for as long as I can remember. In an apocalyptic situation, this would actually be a good thing, because there would always be something to do. You know... something besides watching porn. 

8. Zombie killing relieves stress.
I'm going to be brutally honest here... I fantasize about killing people on the regular. The idiot who cuts me off in traffic, the Kardashians, every person on reality television, etc. But I can't do it because it's "wrong". But zombies.... they NEED killing. So every time someone said something stupid (which, ideally, would be a lot less often, since most of the morons would have already been eaten or killed) I could take my stress and frustration out on the undead. It's really a win win. 

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. What's not to love about the end of days? Now granted, I would prefer more of a global blackout situation, because I really enjoy camping, and I think zombies would be a real buzzkill for that. But if it's more 'Red Dawn' or 'The Walking Dead' I can learn to deal. Whatever the Apocalypse brings, I feel confident that I'm ready for it. 
Now we wait.... 

Lest I forget, the incredible fashions of a Mad Max type world.
These are right up my alley....  

What Do You Mean You DON'T Think About Zombies?!

Maybe it's too many episodes of 'The Walking Dead' or maybe it's my overly vivid imagination, but for whatever reason, I often find myself contemplating zombie apocalypse situations. You may call this crazy, but I like to think of it as preparing for the future. Because the zombies ARE coming.
No, I am not one of those end of days preppers or anything. Those guys make me look normal. Though I do wish I had a bad ass, fully stocked bunker in the mountains. But I wouldn't tell you about it even if I did. I can't have all you ill prepared, possibly infected, last minute Sally's beating down my door. Nope, not gonna happen. Get your own bunker.
Anywho... so yes, this is something I've given some thought to. And here are some situations and circumstances that I've pondered.
Ok, so when it finally happens, and all of you start panicking and searching for guns and ammo, I will be pilfering all the toilet paper I can scavenge. Trust me on this.... TP WILL be the new money. And I will have it all. Because you can kill a zombie with a stick if you have to, but you are NOT going to want to wipe your ass with leaves for very long. So I can barter with you for as many weapons as I need. I will also be stocking up on feminine hygiene products and condoms, because smart people don't bring babies into a zombie infested nightmare. (Yeah, I'm talking to you, Lori Grimes!)
I will also be stock piling a few other necessities, like chapstick, toothbrushes, deodorant and soap. Why? Because when we eventually stumble upon a safe haven or group of survivors, I will smell fresh as a daisy, and they will willingly take me in, while the rest of you stanky breathed, foul smelling hippies will be left to fend for yourselves.
Another situation that I have given much thought to, is where to go. If television and movies have taught us anything, it's that the cities will be overrun first. And while I'll be sad to leave behind all the best looting options (we had a good run, Taco Bell) I feel it will be safer in the country.
Now, 'Walking Dead' brought up the idea of a prison, and that is tempting. I mean nothing says home sweet home like a cold, dark cell, amiright?  I think I'd make that a last resort. I do like the idea of a nice farm, since ideally it could be self sustaining. But that might have to come later. My first choice would be a school. For starters, I have to assume that when this shit goes down, it will be either a weekend or a holiday. You know... Murphy's Law and all. So I figure a school has a good chance of already being empty. Also, most schools have a cafeteria, plenty of bathrooms, a locker room with showers, a library, decent first aid kits, and much more. All of which puts you ahead of the game. Plus, if it's a high school, you KNOW there will be some good shit in those lockers. (wink, wink)
Ok, so now that I've established a base, I need to think about staying safe.
First of all, there is safety in groups. We learned that in kindergarten. So I will be using the buddy system for everything. Yes. Everything. You know why they call it going #2? Because there will be TWO of you in there. Yup. There is no scenario worse to encounter a stray brain eater than one where your pants are around your ankles. So get comfortable with awkward eye contact, because that shit is inevitable. (No pun intended. Ok, maybe pun intended.)
Now I like to think that killing zombies will be easy peasy lemon squeezy. But let's be real here. Skulls aren't Jello soft, so while popular entertainment makes it look easy, bashing in a zombie head could prove difficult and time consuming. Not to mention incredibly messy. But we know that the brain is our target, so what other options do we have? Of course a bullet to the head, but let's just pretend that you are in a small space and have no desire to go deaf from the blast. What do you do? Knives are good, and easy to carry on your person. I plan on making sharp objects my new favorite fashion accessory no doubt. But I think my weapon of choice will be a samurai sword. Aside from the fact that it will automatically make me look like a bad ass ninja, it also provides good distance from your victim. You know... splash back and all. But since I doubt that there will be a plethora of martial arts weapons lying around, I might have to purchase one of those ahead of time. (Wonder if Amazon stocks those?)
So anywho... these are just a few of the things I think about. And while I'm preparing for zombies, I'm really hoping that when the apocalypse does come, it's more of a blackout situation. I think I'm much better equipped to resort to pioneer type living than I am for battling cannibalistic corpses. I mean... I make one hell of a s'more...

In case you were wondering, I WILL be channeling my inner Jade from Mortal Kombat and wearing this exact outfit. Side boob is a must during post apocalyptic times. 

The End is Near???

According to the Mayan calendar, we are just a little less than two months away from the end of time. December 21, 2012. 
For some, this is nothing but hogwash, but for others, they have been preparing and planning for this for years. Shelters, food stashes, weapons, etc. 
Me, I'm not sure what I believe...
I've done a bit of research into it and found some interesting information. According to some believers, the end will be brought on by an onslaught from Mother Nature. Earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, fires and more will wreak havoc on the land until there is nothing left. This makes me a tad nervous...
Natural disasters are at a record high. Even as I type this, a hurricane of unknown proportions is headed toward the east coast. California is on alert for wildfires and there are earthquakes in Canada, just to name a few. I'd love to just shake my head and say "Bah! Those crazies are always yelling apocalypse!" But the last thing I want to hear whilst being attacked by zombies is "I told ya so." So maybe, just maybe, we should consider the possibility. I mean, is it so insane to have a well stocked first aid kit and a full tank of gas?? And maybe some granola bars and bottled water, too? Don't be silly, that's just common sense. But let's say I wanted to be even more prepared... you know, hypothetically speaking, of course. What would a gal do? I'm not even sure of the best things to have in an apocalyptic situation. Lots of toilet paper would be a good thing, I imagine. Just for kicks, I Googled 'emergency preparedness'. I found kits for hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, wilderness and on the go. But nothing for zombie attacks or end of times. You would think this would give me some comfort. If there are no kits, then no one must really be taking this seriously, right? Or maybe I'm not the only one who doesn't know what to pack. I find this upsetting. Normally, I am a great packer. Prepared for anything. But this is different. Will the end be cold or hot? I certainly won't need formal wear, but what shoes do I bring? Lipgloss is a must, but I suppose the hair dryer is overkill. Extra socks and undies of course, boy shorts, not thongs. And what about food? Canned goods and peanut butter of course, but how do I choose what snacks I want? I mean, zombie killing is quite the workout, so high energy foods are important. But after a long day of building shelters and hunting dinner, don't I deserve a nice treat? Skittles don't take up that much space. And what about creature comforts? Is there room for my iPod? A few books? How will I sleep with only one pillow?? 
Toothbrush, feminine hygiene and a razor are musts. And let's not forget tools. Tools for cooking, building, repairs and more. 
This is too stressful. I suppose if you forget something, you can always raid abandoned homes or stores, right? It's not stealing, it's survival, don't judge. And is it better to work in groups, or go solo? More people means more brain power and problem solving, but it also means more supplies used, and I am NOT sharing my Skittles. Probably selective teams is best. At least until things get more stabilized. Maybe I am over thinking this. But better safe than sorry. At least if it happens, we won't have to celebrate Christmas...