No, I am not one of those end of days preppers or anything. Those guys make me look normal. Though I do wish I had a bad ass, fully stocked bunker in the mountains. But I wouldn't tell you about it even if I did. I can't have all you ill prepared, possibly infected, last minute Sally's beating down my door. Nope, not gonna happen. Get your own bunker.
Anywho... so yes, this is something I've given some thought to. And here are some situations and circumstances that I've pondered.
Ok, so when it finally happens, and all of you start panicking and searching for guns and ammo, I will be pilfering all the toilet paper I can scavenge. Trust me on this.... TP WILL be the new money. And I will have it all. Because you can kill a zombie with a stick if you have to, but you are NOT going to want to wipe your ass with leaves for very long. So I can barter with you for as many weapons as I need. I will also be stocking up on feminine hygiene products and condoms, because smart people don't bring babies into a zombie infested nightmare. (Yeah, I'm talking to you, Lori Grimes!)
I will also be stock piling a few other necessities, like chapstick, toothbrushes, deodorant and soap. Why? Because when we eventually stumble upon a safe haven or group of survivors, I will smell fresh as a daisy, and they will willingly take me in, while the rest of you stanky breathed, foul smelling hippies will be left to fend for yourselves.
Another situation that I have given much thought to, is where to go. If television and movies have taught us anything, it's that the cities will be overrun first. And while I'll be sad to leave behind all the best looting options (we had a good run, Taco Bell) I feel it will be safer in the country.
Now, 'Walking Dead' brought up the idea of a prison, and that is tempting. I mean nothing says home sweet home like a cold, dark cell, amiright? I think I'd make that a last resort. I do like the idea of a nice farm, since ideally it could be self sustaining. But that might have to come later. My first choice would be a school. For starters, I have to assume that when this shit goes down, it will be either a weekend or a holiday. You know... Murphy's Law and all. So I figure a school has a good chance of already being empty. Also, most schools have a cafeteria, plenty of bathrooms, a locker room with showers, a library, decent first aid kits, and much more. All of which puts you ahead of the game. Plus, if it's a high school, you KNOW there will be some good shit in those lockers. (wink, wink)
Ok, so now that I've established a base, I need to think about staying safe.
First of all, there is safety in groups. We learned that in kindergarten. So I will be using the buddy system for everything. Yes. Everything. You know why they call it going #2? Because there will be TWO of you in there. Yup. There is no scenario worse to encounter a stray brain eater than one where your pants are around your ankles. So get comfortable with awkward eye contact, because that shit is inevitable. (No pun intended. Ok, maybe pun intended.)
Now I like to think that killing zombies will be easy peasy lemon squeezy. But let's be real here. Skulls aren't Jello soft, so while popular entertainment makes it look easy, bashing in a zombie head could prove difficult and time consuming. Not to mention incredibly messy. But we know that the brain is our target, so what other options do we have? Of course a bullet to the head, but let's just pretend that you are in a small space and have no desire to go deaf from the blast. What do you do? Knives are good, and easy to carry on your person. I plan on making sharp objects my new favorite fashion accessory no doubt. But I think my weapon of choice will be a samurai sword. Aside from the fact that it will automatically make me look like a bad ass ninja, it also provides good distance from your victim. You know... splash back and all. But since I doubt that there will be a plethora of martial arts weapons lying around, I might have to purchase one of those ahead of time. (Wonder if Amazon stocks those?)
So anywho... these are just a few of the things I think about. And while I'm preparing for zombies, I'm really hoping that when the apocalypse does come, it's more of a blackout situation. I think I'm much better equipped to resort to pioneer type living than I am for battling cannibalistic corpses. I mean... I make one hell of a s'more...
In case you were wondering, I WILL be channeling my inner Jade from Mortal Kombat and wearing this exact outfit. Side boob is a must during post apocalyptic times.
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