Recently, I've been struggling more and more. In many ways, the past few months have been more difficult and painful for me than the first few months after losing Zach. I started thinking more and more about ways to make myself "feel better", and keep me from being sad.
Then, a few days ago, a friend brought over the sweetest, most loving, wonderful puppy for Dan and I to meet. We instantly fell head over heels in love with her. It's impossible not to. She's amazing. I wanted her in the worst way. So we arranged a trial run, and brought her to stay with us for a few days to see if she was a good fit.
Yesterday was my first full day with her. I didn't sleep at all the night before. Even worse than usual. I kept listening for every little sound. Was she breathing? Did she choke on something in her crate? My fears were never ending. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. All day yesterday I felt sick. My stomach was in knots with nerves and worry.
Last night, I started crying for no reason. Dan asked what was going on. I didn't know how to answer that. I told him I was scared and nervous. What if something happens to her? What if she gets out and gets hurt? What if she eats something and gets sick? He said "Honey, that could happen. You can't think like that." But I can't NOT think like that. After losing Zach, it's all I can think about. I worry about Dan from the time he walks out the door in the morning, until I hear him come home. I can't control it. It's just another side effect of the Grief.
I'm petrified of becoming attached to anyone or anything else, because I can't handle another loss. My mind and heart are so fragile right now.
I am totally smitten with this puppy, but am I ready for this? Will I get over the nerves and worry? I never even thought of this. I thought we'd find a dog we liked and bring it home. Just like a million other families. I figured we'd have an adjustment period, it is a change after all. But I was thinking about things like training, schedule adjustments, dog hair on the furniture, and paying for vet bills. I never thought about how it might effect me emotionally. I didn't expect this little ball of fur to bring out maternal feelings. But she does. When Dan says "Are you following mommy around?" or I say "Go get daddy!" my heart breaks and I can barely keep from crying. Such simple things are not so simple anymore. Nothing is...
Dan asked me last night why I really wanted a dog. My answer was not what I was expecting even. I told him I thought it would make us happy. That it would give us something to love. As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt guilty. Was I trying to replace our son with a dog? Was this puppy just filling a void that I didn't want to admit I had?
I cried last night. A lot. For a long time. I knew this would be a big decision. I expected it to be tough. But I never expected it to bring up so many things that I had been pushing down for two years. Things that I'm still not sure I'm ready to deal with.
I can handle potty accidents. I can deal with hair & dirty paws on my clean floors. I have no issues going for walks, even in the cold and rain, and late at night. All the things I THOUGHT I might struggle with are all the easy parts as it turns out. But I can't spend my days being sick to my stomach with worry. I can't cry every time we get called her mommy & daddy. I can't put Dan through that. He has enough on his plate already. He doesn't need to be worried about me having a breakdown if the puppy eats a sock.
I'm so torn right now. I just don't know what to do... The puppy goes back to her foster momma later today, and I know she needs a decision from us sooner than later. But I still need some time. And I want to see how we feel after she leaves. That will be a big test as well. This is just the latest learning experience for us I suppose. One I certainly wasn't expecting...
A few stolen moments with Miss Tilly...
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