Losing a child effects EVERY aspect of your life. There is no stone left unturned by Grief. And like it or not, we must keep living. Time doesn't stop, and we are forced to learn to manage our pain in order to function. This can be very tricky. Each individual deals with the struggle differently.
It took me some time to figure out what worked for me, but I learned very early on that most people do not want to be around a sad, miserable person. Understandably so. It sucks. But deep down, you ARE a sad, miserable person, so you must learn to tuck that away and put on a happy face.
Now, I've always been a sarcastic gal, so it seemed only natural for me to use sarcasm and humor as a coping mechanism. If I'm laughing, or making people laugh, I MUST be ok, right? Wrong. But shhhh.... they don't know that.
You can hide a great deal of pain with the right smile, and a good joke. And laughter really does make you feel better. Even if just for a moment, so it's a perfect way to deal.
But getting a handle on your emotions isn't always as simple as that. Some things are much harder to deal with than others, so you have to find tricks to battle those times as well. Running away is always a good one. Find an excuse to leave the area/moment. Is there a bathroom nearby? Another room or place you can go until you can compose yourself? If you catch yourself soon enough, other people might not even know you lost control for a bit.
Another favorite coping tool of mine is the disguise.
You know when you watch television and movies, how the depressed person is always unkempt looking? It's like a laser pointer. LOOK AT ME! I'm so sad, I couldn't even wash my hair or put on pants! Yeah, fuck that.
So I put on a pretty outfit, spend a little extra time on my make-up and hair, and try to look my best, even when I'm feeling my worst. Now don't get me wrong, even I have days where I slap on just a t-shirt and my favorite comfy jeans, toss my hair into a ponytail and call it. But I try not to make it a habit. If people are noticing my pretty dress and fabulous shoes, they probably aren't paying any attention to my puffy eyes and utter exhaustion.
And it works both ways. When I look better, I tend to feel better also. Even if it's just a little. You take what you can get.
Distraction is another favorite. Feeling overwhelmed? Find something to do. Clean, craft, read, work out, etc. Whatever you can do to give your brain something else to focus on. It's a temporary fix at best, but it can get you through the day.
And of course, one of my most helpful, and best methods for coping is writing. To sit down and put my thoughts, fears, and emotions out there for all to see, forces me to deal with them. Even when it's the last thing I want to do. It's a way to get off my chest things that I can't or won't say out loud. And it connects me to others who are also suffering, and allows us to support one another.
The point is, when you're dealing with extreme Grief, you have to figure out ways to manage it. There is no other option. So whatever you have to do, do it. There is no right or wrong. If it works for you, it's right. Period.
(This is a fairly accurate chart.)
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