The Toilet Paper Review

In the last two weeks, I have had more than a few conversations about toilet paper. With strangers in the super market and also with friends. This is a topic that I feel quite strongly about, and as it turns out, so do many others. With that in mind, I'd like to bring you my personal review of the most popular brands of TP.


1. Kirkland brand

Why this even exists in a civilized society is beyond me. Clearly made with recycled razor blades and glass shards, I am absolutely certain that this is the only TP available in Hell. There is a reason this stuff is practically free. It's the equivalent of exfoliating your nether bits with sand paper. I would rather drag my ass along the ground like an animal than use this shit.

2. Scott brand

This stuff is practically tied with Kirkland's for the world's worst toilet paper. Scott's apparently decided to just make their paper towel thinner and on a smaller roll and call it TP. This stuff is awful. It's nearly transparent it's so thin, and unless you like having a wet hand, you end up using half a roll. If you have to use this because you have a septic system... you should move. I promise your ass will thank you.

3. Charmin

Where to even begin? For starters, can I just ask what the hell is with the bears? So they live in houses, and are toilet trained, but they can't wear pants?? I find this weird, and even if I didn't hate your toilet paper, I would refuse to use it based solely off of your terrible marketing strategy. But your TP is gross. I never thought I would say this, but it is TOO soft. Seriously, it should come with a lint roller for your junk for post wipe. I like a soft wiping as much as the next gal, but this is just out of hand. So unless you like having TP dandruff in your under britches... don't buy this.

4. Cottonelle by Kleenex

While I don't loathe this brand, I do have some issues with it. For starters... is it made out of unicorn fur? Why on earth is it so damn expensive? This is the guest towel of the toilet paper brands. It's really just for show, you don't actually use it. And also, what's with the aloe and lotion? I mean that's great for blowing your nose, but unless you've got a serious case of booty burn, I think it might be overkill for TP. Would I buy this? Maybe. If it were on sale and I had guests coming over.

5. Quilted Northern

Based on my bathroom investigations, this seems to be the general public's go to brand. And I can see why. It's quality toilet paper. Soft, but not too soft. Plenty absorbent, yet not so thick as to require a plunger after every use. It's a bit on the more expensive side, but it tends to go on sale fairly often. I have been known to purchase this from time to time, though it isn't my first choice. Though I do wish they'd bring back the quilting old ladies in the commercials. I found them amusing.

6. Angel Soft

This is my favorite brand. While I stray from time to time, I always come back to it. Maybe it's the adorably smooshie baby on the package. I am a sucker for juicy cheeked infants. But this stuff is just good. It's the not too soft, not too hard, just right TP. I feel plenty clean after using it, but not greasy or linty. And while it's not the cheapest brand, it is definitely reasonable. And when it's on sale, it's practically a give away. I love it. And so does my southern hemisphere.



So there you have it. My fresh booty review.

Wipe in peace, my friends.