My Coping Mechanisms

I've talked a lot about Grief and triggers, but I've never really talked about how I cope with those things.
Losing a child effects EVERY aspect of your life. There is no stone left unturned by Grief. And like it or not, we must keep living. Time doesn't stop, and we are forced to learn to manage our pain in order to function. This can be very tricky. Each individual deals with the struggle differently.
It took me some time to figure out what worked for me, but I learned very early on that most people do not want to be around a sad, miserable person. Understandably so. It sucks. But deep down, you ARE a sad, miserable person, so you must learn to tuck that away and put on a happy face.
Now, I've always been a sarcastic gal, so it seemed only natural for me to use sarcasm and humor as a coping mechanism. If I'm laughing, or making people laugh, I MUST be ok, right? Wrong. But shhhh.... they don't know that.
You can hide a great deal of pain with the right smile, and a good joke. And laughter really does make you feel better. Even if just for a moment, so it's a perfect way to deal.
But getting a handle on your emotions isn't always as simple as that. Some things are much harder to deal with than others, so you have to find tricks to battle those times as well. Running away is always a good one. Find an excuse to leave the area/moment. Is there a bathroom nearby? Another room or place you can go until you can compose yourself? If you catch yourself soon enough, other people might not even know you lost control for a bit.
Another favorite coping tool of mine is the disguise.
You know when you watch television and movies, how the depressed person is always unkempt looking? It's like a laser pointer. LOOK AT ME! I'm so sad, I couldn't even wash my hair or put on pants! Yeah, fuck that.
So I put on a pretty outfit, spend a little extra time on my make-up and hair, and try to look my best, even when I'm feeling my worst. Now don't get me wrong, even I have days where I slap on just a t-shirt and my favorite comfy jeans, toss my hair into a ponytail and call it. But I try not to make it a habit. If people are noticing my pretty dress and fabulous shoes, they probably aren't paying any attention to my puffy eyes and utter exhaustion.
And it works both ways. When I look better, I tend to feel better also. Even if it's just a little. You take what you can get.
Distraction is another favorite. Feeling overwhelmed? Find something to do. Clean, craft, read, work out, etc. Whatever you can do to give your brain something else to focus on. It's a temporary fix at best, but it can get you through the day.
And of course, one of my most helpful, and best methods for coping is writing. To sit down and put my thoughts, fears, and emotions out there for all to see, forces me to deal with them. Even when it's the last thing I want to do. It's a way to get off my chest things that I can't or won't say out loud. And it connects me to others who are also suffering, and allows us to support one another.
The point is, when you're dealing with extreme Grief, you have to figure out ways to manage it. There is no other option. So whatever you have to do, do it. There is no right or wrong. If it works for you, it's right. Period.

(This is a fairly accurate chart.)

More Rally, Please

This past weekend, the hubs and I were in New York for a rally race. The Black River Stages. This was the first time we've attended this particular event, and it was a lot of fun.
Since our car wasn't quite ready in time to race this one, we volunteered to help crew for a friend of ours, who had just recently completed his first stage rally build.

                                                    (Here is his finished car, ready to race.)

This was the first event for driver, Todd, but luckily, he had a seasoned veteran in his co-driver, Brian.

                                         (Brian, left, Todd, right. Hank the Gnome, middle.)

I could tell you all about how the race went, that they had a minor off very early in the event, but recovered to place 5th in their class. But that's not why I'm writing this. Not that that isn't a good thing, mind you. We are very proud of them, and pleased with the result, and how the car survived nearly unscathed from its first outing.
But what I really want to write about today is how much I love this sport. I've been home now for two days, and I am still having withdrawals. I miss the sound of the cars, the smell of fuel, and the hustle and bustle of service. I miss all of our rally friends.
You see, rally isn't just about the race. It's about connections. From the moment you step into this world, you become a part of something. A family of sorts. Crazy and dysfunctional though it may be. You see old friends, and make new ones. And there are no awkward initial meetings. It's instant. The passion we all share for this sport creates a bond that is unique and quite strong. Over the weekend, I saw teams helping each other. Drivers and co-drivers offering advice and support to one another. I saw crews jump in to help other competitors, even in the same class. I saw people sharing food, tools, shelter from the elements, and more. And this isn't a rare occurrence, either.
This. Is. Rally.
This is why I love it. This is why I count down from one event to the next. This is why I am so proud to be a part of this world. The friendships, the laughter, the excitement, the disappointments, the struggles, the celebrations... all of it. There is no comparison.
This weekend, like many rally weekends, Mother Nature decided to make things challenging for us. From high winds, to thunderstorms and torrential rain. But we banded together, and we made it through.

                                             (Here's our little crew, waiting out the storm.)

Crews pitched in to help each other pack up and take shelter, while we waited on our cars to arrive. But no amount of rain could dampen our spirits. Through it all, there were smiles and laughter. And after the storm had passed....

                                           
We had a rally rainbow. And amidst all the chaos of service, you saw everyone stop for a moment and admire the beauty of that wonder of nature.
Nature is a big part of rally. The stages are set in some of the most stunning places you'll ever see. And it rarely goes unnoticed.

These are the paths less traveled. The roads that lead to real happiness. Whether you are a competitor, volunteer, or spectator, you can't help but be in awe of some of these views. Views you might otherwise miss.

But don't let the peaceful, serene sights fool you. This is still a race. The cars are fast and fierce. The competition is tight, and the danger is very real. Not all the cars survive. With challenging terrain and tricky conditions, anything can (and often does) happen. But that's all part of the intrigue.

(Just a few of the vehicles competing at BRS.)

These drivers and co-drivers have to be skilled, and courageous. This isn't a sport for the weak minded or faint of heart. I have the upmost admiration for these folks, and I hope when it comes time for our first race, that I have what it takes. I love rally. I love the highs, and even the lows. For it's during those times that you see what these people are really made of. The spirit, the drive, and the fight to push forward, no matter what stands in your way. They may fall, but they always get back up. That is the heart of rally. That is the blood that pumps through the veins of everyone in this sport. That is the bond that unites us all. That is what keeps us coming back, time and time again.



Being a Grown Up is Hard (a poem)

Being a grown up is hard.

It's not like I thought it would be.

There's no recess, snack time, or naps,

and you only get breaks to go pee.

Being a grown up is hard.

There's too many bills to be paid.

The perks are pretty much limited,

to drinking alcohol and getting laid.

Being a grown up is hard.

So many decisions to make.

And why do I have to eat healthy?

I just want another cupcake.

Being a grown up is hard.

There's always work to be done.

Cleaning the toilets and laundry

are NOT my idea of fun.

Being a grown up is hard.

So much is expected of you.

If I ever actually got a vacation,

I wouldn't even know what to do.

Being a grown up is hard.

Some days you just want to scream.

And then you win the lottery!
Oh wait... no. That was a dream.

Being a grown up is hard.

It can be quite taxing and trying.

And if someone tells you it's not,

I'll lay odds they're probably lying.

Being a grown up is hard.

Or maybe I'm just in a funk.

Either way, if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my fort getting drunk.

*Written by Teena M. Hauxwell-Finn

September 18, 2014

Learning Experiences

In the two years since losing our son, we have found that nothing is easy anymore. Normal, everyday experiences become more challenging, and things that should be no big deal are very, very hard.
Recently, I've been struggling more and more. In many ways, the past few months have been more difficult and painful for me than the first few months after losing Zach. I started thinking more and more about ways to make myself "feel better", and keep me from being sad.
Then, a few days ago, a friend brought over the sweetest, most loving, wonderful puppy for Dan and I to meet. We instantly fell head over heels in love with her. It's impossible not to. She's amazing. I wanted her in the worst way. So we arranged a trial run, and brought her to stay with us for a few days to see if she was a good fit.
Yesterday was my first full day with her. I didn't sleep at all the night before. Even worse than usual. I kept listening for every little sound. Was she breathing? Did she choke on something in her crate? My fears were never ending. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. All day yesterday I felt sick. My stomach was in knots with nerves and worry.
Last night, I started crying for no reason. Dan asked what was going on. I didn't know how to answer that. I told him I was scared and nervous. What if something happens to her? What if she gets out and gets hurt? What if she eats something and gets sick? He said "Honey, that could happen. You can't think like that." But I can't NOT think like that. After losing Zach, it's all I can think about. I worry about Dan from the time he walks out the door in the morning, until I hear him come home. I can't control it. It's just another side effect of the Grief.
I'm petrified of becoming attached to anyone or anything else, because I can't handle another loss. My mind and heart are so fragile right now.
I am totally smitten with this puppy, but am I ready for this? Will I get over the nerves and worry? I never even thought of this. I thought we'd find a dog we liked and bring it home. Just like a million other families. I figured we'd have an adjustment period, it is a change after all. But I was thinking about things like training, schedule adjustments, dog hair on the furniture, and paying for vet bills. I never thought about how it might effect me emotionally. I didn't expect this little ball of fur to bring out maternal feelings. But she does. When Dan says "Are you following mommy around?" or I say "Go get daddy!" my heart breaks and I can barely keep from crying. Such simple things are not so simple anymore. Nothing is...
Dan asked me last night why I really wanted a dog. My answer was not what I was expecting even. I told him I thought it would make us happy. That it would give us something to love. As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt guilty. Was I trying to replace our son with a dog? Was this puppy just filling a void that I didn't want to admit I had?
I cried last night. A lot. For a long time. I knew this would be a big decision. I expected it to be tough. But I never expected it to bring up so many things that I had been pushing down for two years. Things that I'm still not sure I'm ready to deal with.
I can handle potty accidents. I can deal with hair & dirty paws on my clean floors. I have no issues going for walks, even in the cold and rain, and late at night. All the things I THOUGHT I might struggle with are all the easy parts as it turns out. But I can't spend my days being sick to my stomach with worry. I can't cry every time we get called her mommy & daddy. I can't put Dan through that. He has enough on his plate already. He doesn't need to be worried about me having a breakdown if the puppy eats a sock.
I'm so torn right now. I just don't know what to do... The puppy goes back to her foster momma later today, and I know she needs a decision from us sooner than later. But I still need some time. And I want to see how we feel after she leaves. That will be a big test as well. This is just the latest learning experience for us I suppose. One I certainly wasn't expecting...

A few stolen moments with Miss Tilly...

Has Society Reached a New Low?

Yesterday on the news, I saw a story about a funeral home now offering a drive thru window. Yes, you read that correctly. A window that you drive past in your car to view the deceased. Don't believe me? Check out the story here.
My initial reaction to this was "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" and I stand by that. This is disgusting on every imaginable level.
The company that offers this says that they know that people lead very busy lives, so they wanted to make it more convenient. I'm sorry... CONVENIENT?! Is someone dying an inconvenience for you? Does it mess up your schedule? Does offering your sympathy to the grieving take up too much of your precious time? This is just offensive and disgusting on all counts.
Death is never convenient. People don't pass away according to your work or soccer practice schedule. Too fucking bad. You get off your sorry ass, you walk in that funeral home, and you offer your condolences. It's called paying your respects for a reason, and nothing says disrespectful like a fast food drive thru window at a funeral home.
The company also states that some people are afraid of funeral homes, so they wanted to offer an option for them. Well here's my solution. Stop being a whiny asshole, and go do the right thing. NO ONE likes funerals. It's not a party, and it's not an enjoyable experience for anyone. Least of all the families and loved ones who are grieving. Trust me, they would rather be ANYWHERE else. Now I can't speak for everyone, but personally, if it was my loved one, and that was the way you opted to honor them, I'd just prefer you didn't come at all.
I'm appalled that this is even real. That anyone honestly thought it was a good idea.
Have we stooped so low as a society that we can't even properly honor our dead? Are we so wrapped up in ourselves and our gadgets that we no longer even realize how inhuman we've become?
A drive thru funeral is something out of a cold, emotionless sci-fi film. And that's the only place it belongs. This is not a part of a compassionate, civilized society. I no longer want to be a part of a world where this becomes commonplace.
I fear for where we are headed....
Death and loss will never be convenient. It is the shock, and unpreparedness of it all that remind us of how precious life is. If we cannot make time to grieve, than we do not deserve time to live. Honoring the dead is as important as honoring the living. It is what makes us empathetic and caring creatures. It is what separates us from animals.
Please don't let this be our future...

Can We PLEASE Stop Saying This?

Lately, I've come to find that there are certain phrases that rub me the wrong way. One of those is "You have too much time on your hands." or the closely related "I wish I had as much free time as you do."

I get these, or variations of these, a lot, and to be totally honest, they really piss me off. EVERYONE has free time. How much you have varies based on your obligations. If you prioritize well, and don't waste time, you could probably free up enough to do just about anything you put your mind to. More often than not, people aren't nearly as busy as they want the world to think they are.

I am a crafter. It's a hobby of mine, as well as a way to make some additional income. I make time for it. Whether that means starting dinner a bit later some nights, or simply turning the television off, I make sure to work it into my schedule, because it is something that gives me pleasure.

So when I share a photo of a project I've done, and someone says "It must be nice to have so much free time." I get angry. I work 5 days a week, maintain a home, a happy marriage, and more. I MAKE time to do these things. If you choose to put your free time into something else, that is your choice. I don't comment on your gardening or trash TV posts and say "Gee, it must be nice to have so much time on your hands." Because I don't WANT to do those things, so I won't make time for them. But I will make time to do crafts, read books, take silly photos with my gnomes, or LEGOs, and write my blogs. It isn't that I have this plethora of time that I am just desperately trying to fill. I am choosing to use the free time I have to do things that make me smile. And many of the things that people make these comments about are things that took mere minutes of my day. Don't act as though you don't have a spare five minutes to do something. You probably spent longer than that just sitting on the toilet playing Candy Crush.

It is not your job to judge what someone else does with their free time. If you opt to go shopping, play video games, watch TV, take 2 hour baths, workout, etc. that is YOUR choice. Just because you use your time differently than someone else, does not make you better, cooler, busier, or more important than that person.

Whether that was your intention or not doesn't matter. Just stop saying it.
My time is no less valuable than yours, regardless of what silly project I choose to do with it.
Thank you. Rant over.

The Toilet Paper Review

In the last two weeks, I have had more than a few conversations about toilet paper. With strangers in the super market and also with friends. This is a topic that I feel quite strongly about, and as it turns out, so do many others. With that in mind, I'd like to bring you my personal review of the most popular brands of TP.


1. Kirkland brand

Why this even exists in a civilized society is beyond me. Clearly made with recycled razor blades and glass shards, I am absolutely certain that this is the only TP available in Hell. There is a reason this stuff is practically free. It's the equivalent of exfoliating your nether bits with sand paper. I would rather drag my ass along the ground like an animal than use this shit.

2. Scott brand

This stuff is practically tied with Kirkland's for the world's worst toilet paper. Scott's apparently decided to just make their paper towel thinner and on a smaller roll and call it TP. This stuff is awful. It's nearly transparent it's so thin, and unless you like having a wet hand, you end up using half a roll. If you have to use this because you have a septic system... you should move. I promise your ass will thank you.

3. Charmin

Where to even begin? For starters, can I just ask what the hell is with the bears? So they live in houses, and are toilet trained, but they can't wear pants?? I find this weird, and even if I didn't hate your toilet paper, I would refuse to use it based solely off of your terrible marketing strategy. But your TP is gross. I never thought I would say this, but it is TOO soft. Seriously, it should come with a lint roller for your junk for post wipe. I like a soft wiping as much as the next gal, but this is just out of hand. So unless you like having TP dandruff in your under britches... don't buy this.

4. Cottonelle by Kleenex

While I don't loathe this brand, I do have some issues with it. For starters... is it made out of unicorn fur? Why on earth is it so damn expensive? This is the guest towel of the toilet paper brands. It's really just for show, you don't actually use it. And also, what's with the aloe and lotion? I mean that's great for blowing your nose, but unless you've got a serious case of booty burn, I think it might be overkill for TP. Would I buy this? Maybe. If it were on sale and I had guests coming over.

5. Quilted Northern

Based on my bathroom investigations, this seems to be the general public's go to brand. And I can see why. It's quality toilet paper. Soft, but not too soft. Plenty absorbent, yet not so thick as to require a plunger after every use. It's a bit on the more expensive side, but it tends to go on sale fairly often. I have been known to purchase this from time to time, though it isn't my first choice. Though I do wish they'd bring back the quilting old ladies in the commercials. I found them amusing.

6. Angel Soft

This is my favorite brand. While I stray from time to time, I always come back to it. Maybe it's the adorably smooshie baby on the package. I am a sucker for juicy cheeked infants. But this stuff is just good. It's the not too soft, not too hard, just right TP. I feel plenty clean after using it, but not greasy or linty. And while it's not the cheapest brand, it is definitely reasonable. And when it's on sale, it's practically a give away. I love it. And so does my southern hemisphere.



So there you have it. My fresh booty review.

Wipe in peace, my friends.