I responded to a letter from a recipient of one of our son's organs. She wrote us back in January of last year to thank us and to let us know that receiving Zach's kidney saved her life. She told us about her children, her illness, and the call that gave her a second chance at living. She expressed immense gratitude and a desire to someday meet us.
I can't tell you how many times I've read and reread her letter. From the moment we decided to donate our son's organs, I wondered what it would be like if and when we ever heard from a recipient. I wondered if knowing that someone's life was saved would make me feel better or more at peace with our decision. If I were to be completely honest with you... I feel nothing. Each time I read her letter, I wait. I wait to feel something, anything. But I don't.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret our decision to donate. It was the right choice, and it's what Zach would have wanted. But if you watch the TV and movies, you'd think that there's this immediate feeling of warmth and happiness that follows the act. They lead you to believe that there will be a feeling of peace that comes with knowing your loved one didn't die in vain. But that's not true. What I feel is an overwhelming numbness.
I've sat down to respond to her letter dozens of times. And each time I've sat there with a blank mind and a broken heart. How do you respond to something like that? What do you say? "I'm happy that you get to keep living, but I'd much rather still have my son."? or better yet "How lucky you are to get to see your children grow, but we lost ours in the process, so I don't really give a shit."?
How cold hearted and awful that sounds, but that is the God's honest truth. I don't care. She's a stranger to me, and the fact that she was given a second chance but my son wasn't makes me angry and resentful. The unfairness of it all is something that I will eternally struggle with.
But... I needed to respond. I know that if the roles were reversed, I would want a response. And she was told nothing of her donor. She doesn't know that her savior was our only child, our reason for living, and our whole world. I wanted her to know who he was. She now carries a piece of him, and I needed her to understand how special and amazing he was, and what a gift she was truly given.
Here's the catch. Gift of Life has all these rules for writing to donors and recipients. And you must send the letter to them to be forwarded, so they will read it and edit anything they see fit. So it's not as though you can just write from your heart. You must adhere to strict guidelines, which makes writing an already difficult letter even more impossible.
So after much writing and rewriting, I finally completed it. It's not warm and fuzzy. In fact, I'm sure to some, it would come off as cold or uncaring. But it was the best I could do. I also included a few photos of Zachary, so that she could put a face to a name and number, because that's what I would want.
I told her that I wish her continued good health and a long and fulfilling life. Which is true. I just wish it hadn't come at such a cost.
I dropped the letter in the mail this morning. I hesitated at the last moment, but I knew it had to be done. It was something that had been weighing on me for some time.
But I don't feel relieved. Once again, I just don't feel anything....
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing the experience of the recipient letter, I do not know how anyone could expect you to feel a certain way. I appreciate your honesty, and your taking the time and energy to respond despite how difficult it was. It is a lesson for the rest of us, who haven't been in your shoes, to respect any and all types of coping. I wish you the best going forward.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words. It was something I felt needed addressed. It's a side of organ donation that is rarely (if ever) talked about. We encourage people to donate, but we never consider anything beyond that. Or how that decision can effect your loved ones. It's something to think about.
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