My Crazy Thoughts....

This morning, I watched the film 'Silver Linings Playbook'. I really enjoyed it. It was a very thought provoking movie to say the least. And it was very relatable. At least for me. 
The movie addresses not just the issues facing the two main characters, but the fact that everyone is dealing with their own demons. No matter how "normal" and sane one may seem on the outside, we have no idea what they are dealing with internally. 
Whether you're just quirky and eccentric, or your problems are more deep rooted, we all struggle with something. Life hands us each a different set of circumstances, and we are forced to deal with them the best we can.
Since losing our son, I have felt like I am in a constant battle for my sanity. From dark thoughts and depression, to emotional roller coasters that I would give anything to get off of. Sometimes the pain and anger get the better of me, and I react in ways I normally wouldn't. Grief takes its toll on every aspect of your being. You become a passenger in your own life. No longer fully in control of your reactions and emotions.
That fucking sucks. I have always prided myself on my ability to control my feelings. Since Zach's accident, that control is fickle at best, and that makes me feel crazy. 
People often want to suggest medications or therapy. And while I do believe that those things can be beneficial for some, they are not options for me. 
The reality is, that life is going to beat you down. Sometimes, you will be forced to carry burdens far beyond what you thought you were capable of carrying. How you deal with those burdens will be what define your life. 
The challenges, the struggles, the hardships.... those are what make or break you. 
I'm not an optimist. I don't always see the silver linings. I have never viewed the world through rose colored glasses. Pouring glitter over a pile of shit doesn't make it any less of a pile of shit. Yes, it may be prettier, but it still stinks. I'm a realist. I see the world for what it is, and I do the best I can with the hand that I'm dealt. 
I don't know the meaning of normal anymore. Hell, I'm not sure I ever did. And you know what? That's ok. There's no such thing as normal. We are all crazy. We're just different kinds of crazy.