Grief Triggers

I've touched a bit on Grief Triggers before, but I don't think I really explained it very well. This is something that I really wish more people understood, since it is a HUGE part of life for parents who have lost children. I often talk/write about our "new normal" and how different daily life is now, since losing our son. Grief plays a constant part in our lives these days, and Grief Triggers are everywhere. As we wander through this maze of life without our child, we are constantly bombarded with reminders of what we lost. These reminders are triggers. Things that trigger a strong emotional reaction, and can leave a grieving parent shaken, distraught, and fighting for sanity.
Triggers can be anything, and they can come from anywhere. Some are like a punch to the gut, and others can leave you crying uncontrollably. They strike without warning, and make navigating through life a very scary and unnerving situation. This is why falling into the "Black Hole of Grief" (read more about that here) is so easy and tempting for many grieving parents. To be able to block out the world, and all the painful triggers, can seem like a welcome reprieve from the constant struggle. Grief effects every aspect of your life. Not even during sleep (if you are afforded that luxury) are you free from it. Your dreams/nightmares are often haunted with reminders of your loss. And every waking moment is filled with pain. Physical, and emotional. You learn to compartmentalize your emotions, and you begin to function again. But you cannot block yourself off entirely. This is where triggers come into play...
Triggers come in so many forms, I could spend a week listing them all. And each individual is different, so their triggers are as well. Here are some examples from my personal collection:
*Movies & TV shows are always filled with trigger moments. From the funny father/son moments, to the happy new grandparents, and anything in between.
*Commercials are always good for striking a nerve. From the car ads talking about keeping your child safe, to the stressed out moms in minivans.
*Music. I used to LOVE music. Rarely went long without listening to it. Now I find myself driving or working in silence, rather than risk hearing a song that will rip open my heart, and leaving me crying at a stop light. (Yes, this has happened.)
*Stores. Like seeing his favorite snack on sale, and reaching for it, only to realize at the last moment that you don't have a reason to buy that anymore.
*Holidays and specific days can be triggers for numerous reasons.
*Social events are now like walking in a mine field. You never know when someone will say or do something that could set you off. From totally casual remarks about their children, to benign questions that can create an awkward and painful moment for all parties involved.
*Family gatherings. While you still want to be around your loved ones, being with large groups of people (related or not) is an invitation for triggers.
*Reading. Another once beloved pastime that is now riddled with triggers.
*Public outings are always tricky. You never know what you will see or hear.
*Social Media/Internet. Try casually scrolling through your news feed and seeing photos & videos of car accidents and not have it effect you. Not to mention the regular everyday things, like parental rants/brags, family photos, and more.
I could go on for days, but the point is, triggers can be anywhere, at any time. Sometimes I can go several hours without one, and sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, I am being assaulted with them, and there is no escape. Whatever pride I once had, was lost somewhere between crying over a bag of cheezballs at the grocery store, and apologizing to a dear friend for my angry reaction to their totally normal "stressed out mom" remark.
Life after losing a child is never the same. But I don't think people truly understand what that means. There have been times when I have had to cancel plans, leave early, and excuse myself from situations for what appears to be no reason. And while over time, I have become better at controlling it, there is no guarantee. This is all just part of our "new normal", and something I hope our friends and loved ones can try to understand.

 

The Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization that offers help to parents who

have lost a child. To find out more about them, check out their website here.

Another Interview with Hank the Gnome

Hank the Gnome isn't a gnome of few words. As a matter of fact, he generally has quite a bit to say. If you aren't familiar with his ramblings, I mean wisdom, check him out on facebook by following this link. (just click here) But here at Berry Favorite Things, I like to check in with ol' Hank from time to time to see what's new in his world...

Berry Favorite Things: So Hank, how have you been since we last spoke?

Hank the Gnome: I imagine the correct answer should be GREAT, since otherwise, you look like an asshat for not checking in more often.

BFT: So has it been great?

Hank: It's been ok. The crazy lady I live with is getting a bit out of hand lately, though. She's taken to making me ridiculous costumes, and she brought a pet velociraptor for the weird bald guy for Christmas.

 This is Nikita (the dinosaur) and I in our latest ensemble. I mean look at how bizarre this is. Clearly I'm supposed to be Batman. I'm nobody's sidekick. But whatever, I'm just glad this beast is house trained and hasn't had me for a midnight snack yet.

BFT: Sounds like life has been interesting lately. How are the wife and kids?

Hank: Willow and the little ones are doing well. Though we've been debating moving soon. The place is getting a bit tight lately, with all the recent additions. I guess the crazy lady just can't say no to a homeless gnome. It's like a lawn ornament factory blew up in the place.

BFT: Well that's a good thing, right? She did adopt you after all.

Hank: What are you, her #1 fan? No, it's not a good thing. I liked being the only gnome. Now there are pointy hats everywhere, and a damn prehistoric drool machine wandering around. It's like she's running a damn zoo.

BFT: Well Hank, it sounds like you are a bit angry. Could it be because of the latest incident with some trolls?

Hank: Not cool, lady. Not. Cool. I thought I said I didn't want to discuss the troll incident.

BFT: But the readers want to know. Are you a trollist, Hank?

Hank: Yeah, I am ok?! I don't like them. They're nasty little rodents, and they've been giving wee creatures a bad name for centuries! I mean, put on some clothes, you indecent little bastards!! And get that mess of hair under control! Filthy little forest hippies...

BFT: I see... well I didn't mean to upset you, I just thought we should address it, but clearly this is a subject for another day. Let's talk about something else.

Hank: (deep breath) Good idea.

BFT: I hear you're going to Sno*Drift Rally this weekend with your people. That should be fun.

Hank: Yes, I really like rally. The people involved are all pretty cool, and always seem genuinely pleased to see me. I'm hoping to sit in some cool cars this time, if the crazy lady lets me out of this new contraption she discovered.

BFT: Oh my... Well that looks comfortable at least. And warm. I hear it will be very cold there.

Hank: It's pretty cozy, I'll give her that. Even if it does make her look even more wacky. Not that she seems to care.

BFT: That's probably a good thing. She sounds like a pretty cool person.

Hank: Geez lady, get off her jock. She's ok, but you don't have to go hyping her up. She's not THAT cool.

BFT: Well Hank, it looks like we are about out of time for today, but we'd love to have you back on again soon. It's always entertaining. Thanks for coming.

Hank: I'm happy to come back whenever. Maybe next time we can do a Q&A with some readers, since you are clearly terrible at this.

BFT: Umm, yeah, sure, I guess. And maybe next time you can be less of a salty crab pants, eh?

Hank: Touche. (tips hat) Always a pleasure.

It's More Than Just A Day Off....

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. For many of you, that is a day off of work or school. But is that all it is to you? It should be so much more....
Martin Luther King Jr. was a man who believed in the power of faith, and kindness. He truly believed that people could work together for the betterment of mankind. Not as blacks, whites, etc, but as BROTHERS AND SISTERS. As humans. He fought for what he believed in, and made incredible strides in the battle for equal rights.
Among his MANY accomplishments as a pastor, humanitarian, civil rights leader, and activist, he received a Nobel Peace Prize in 1964, and was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and the Congressional Gold Medal.
His "I Have A Dream" speech during the 1963 March on Washington, will forever be known as one of the most moving, passionate, and well delivered verbalizations in history. He is easily one of the greatest speakers ever to have lived. When Martin Luther King Jr. spoke, the world listened. The power, and emotion in his words is felt to this day. I have listened to his "I Have A Dream" speech countless times, and each time, I am moved to tears. His simple wish that one day his four children "would live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character" is something that countless people still wish and hope for. Yes, we have made great strides, but we still have far to go.
Today, let's take a moment and honor this great man, and his legacy, and be kind to one another. Talk to your children about hate, and about judgment. Teach them the value of character, and that beauty is internal, not external. Share with them the history of this nation, and the dangers of closed-mindedness. Show them how to move forward, and love their fellow man.
In the words of MLK Jr. himself:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Wise words, from a very wise man...
His notion of equality for all is still very much a hot topic, and applies for more than just race. We can channel his wisdom, and compassion into all areas of inequality. Regardless of what you look like on the outside, what you believe in, and who you love, we are all one nation. We all bleed red, and we all have souls, and breakable hearts. Peace and love are not just an inane idea, but a way of life. Choose to act better, do better, and you will BE better. Change your attitude, and your perspective, and your world WILL change. Just some food for thought...

Readers Requests Day 5: Drama seekers/creators

Well folks... It's here. The final day of a week of reader requests. Today's suggestion comes from my friend Tony, who also happens to be one of the most level headed and intelligent people I know. So when he suggested a post about people who seek/create drama, I knew immediately that it was a brilliant idea.

Drama seekers/creators (AKA: drama llamas, drama queens, etc.) are everywhere. There's at least one in every workplace, family, group, and social circle. You know the type, they are always going on and on about how hard their life is, and how NO ONE could possibly understand what they are going through. They have ZERO perspective, and adamantly seek out situations that they think will garner them attention. From poor choices in relationships, to putting themselves in bad positions, to actively searching for opportunities to cause problems for others and/or themselves.
With the advent of social media, these types have blossomed, and quadrupled in numbers. They now have 24-7 access to a format that allows them to continually beg for attention, and with so many people seeing it, there is bound to be someone to play into it. This feeds the vicious cycle, and before you know it, you are bombarded with a herd of drama llamas.
So what do you do? How do you avoid it? Well, the best way to stay drama free, is to avoid the people who create it. Now this isn't always easy, since as I mentioned, these people are everywhere, and there will be times when you will be forced to deal with them. My best advice in these situations is to remain neutral. When they start with the "poor me" and the "did you hear what he/she did" change the subject. Aim for topics that will be difficult to redirect back to themselves. For example; weather, food, television and movies, etc. Avoid personal subjects, and end the contact as quickly as possible.
Now when it comes to drama queens that you don't HAVE to deal with, avoid them at all costs. Even playing nice can be a mistake, and you can end up sucked into bad situations, and before you know it, you are fully engulfed in their drama, against your will. Oftentimes, it helps to let these people know that you are aware of their games, and to back off. But be warned... they will use ANY situation to their advantage, and try to suck you in using pity, guilt, shame, or by being overly nice, until they get what they want. Which is generally attention. I'm not sure where the constant need for attention comes from. Maybe daddy didn't love them enough, or maybe they were bullied in school. Or maybe they just feel entitled for some reason, and think the world owes them everything, and want constant reassurance of how much better than everyone else they are. I don't know the reasons, I only know I hate it, and will avoid it at all costs. Life is dramatic enough, without voluntarily surrounding yourself with more of it. If 98% of what leaves your mouth, or ends up in your facebook feed, is whiny, needy, negative, melodramatic, or intended to instigate/provoke others... I have no time for you. This isn't to say we don't all have bad days, or occasionally feel the need to vent. But when your occasion is all day, every day... You are a drama seeker/creator, and it's time to get some perspective.
I have found that there are often some obvious signs and red flags for these types of people, and because I care about my readers, I feel compelled to share those things. The following is a list of warning signs that MAY fit overly dramatic types:
1. Very few (if any) close friends, or a constant change in social circles.
2. Too much free time, or a lack of hobbies/interests/jobs/etc.
3. Seeks reassurance on everything.
4. Is always trying to force others to agree with them or take "their side".
5. Rarely has anything positive to say.
6. Thinks they are owed everything, and rarely (if ever) make an effort to do things for themselves.
7. Makes or turns every situation/topic about themselves.
8. Tries to control everything, often because they have something to hide.
9. Overly competitive with others (including friends/family/loved ones) in everyday situations.
10. Inserts themselves into conversations or situations where they don't belong.

These are just a few of the similarities I have found among dramatic people. Some of these traits can be found in non dramatic individuals as well, though generally not multiple ones. Chances are if someone has more than 1 or 2 of these characteristics, they are probably a drama seeker/creator, and you should stay away...

Readers Requests Day 4: Handmade goods and services

Today's topic was inspired by a suggestion from the lovely and talented, Shavavian, who is a loyal reader of mine, and an utterly delightful gal to boot.
She jokingly suggested I do a post of my favorite Etsy shops (wink, wink, she has one) but that got me to thinking... Are people really still unaware of my love for all things handmade? So in honor of artists and crafters everywhere, today's post is about Handmade goods and services. And since Miss Shavavian was my inspiration, it's only fitting that I give her a proper shout out. Click here to check out her stunning creations.

For those of you who may not actually know this, I am obsessed with beautiful, unique things. And what's more unique than one of a kind objects created by hand? The answer is... not very damn much. Handmade gifts go back to the dawn of time, when people created art & jewelry using things found in nature, and inspired by the beauty all around them. Over time, this has become less and less popular, and people are more apt to run to Wal-Mart for a "heartfelt" gift than to make their own. And while I can surely relate to being pressed for time, or not having the skills to create your own masterpieces, that doesn't mean that you can't still give a handmade gift. All over the world, there are immensely talented people, spending countless hours making amazing things. And these people are more than happy to share their pieces and skills with you. With the growing popularity of sites like Etsy, Pinterest, etc, these things are just a click away. From handmade clothing, hats, scarves, purses, and accessories, to all natural soaps, lotions, and more, there are countless ideas and options to choose from. Jewelry, home décor, paintings, sculpture, even local authors and musicians. All of these folks pour their heart and soul into their crafts, and they want to share it with you. And most offer additional services, that you won't find at places like Target. Personalization, customization, packaging, and gift wrapping, just to name a few. Many of which are included in the price. Now yes, some of these things cost a bit more, but as we all know, you get what you pay for. Think about it... That heirloom wooden chest in your grandparents living room has survived for over a century. The quilt your great grandmother made is still as lovely and vibrant as the day she gave it to her daughter. Good, quality pieces are made to last. Can the same be said for that cheap throw you purchased at the store? Or that blender you gave for the last bridal shower? Probably not. Heirlooms are becoming a thing of the past (no pun intended). What treasures will this next generation have to pass on?
I love the growing movement for shopping local, supporting artists, and do it yourself. I hope it continues to flourish, and that more and more people start to consider buying from craft shows, art fairs, and small, independent boutiques. I have so many talented friends, who create remarkable things. I'm blown away by their creations, and the time and effort that go into each piece. Each time I'm gifted with a handmade bounty, I can't wait to show it off to everyone. When I wear and hold these things, I can literally FEEL the love that went into it. When I curl up under the blanket that my great aunt made for me as a baby, I can't help but think of her, and smile at the odd choice of colors, and wonder how she knew that they would suit me perfectly. When I put on the sweater made by my dear friend, I see her smile, and feel her hugging me. Each morning, when I put on the friendship bracelet that my young niece made for me, I can't help but grin, and picture her proud face after she completed it. And any mother who's ever been handed a macaroni bead necklace by their small child, knows the surge of love that hits you, each time you see it in your jewelry box.
I guess the point I'm trying to make here isn't that EVERY gift needs to be handmade, or custom designed, I mean those blenders & gadgets certainly have their place. But arts and crafts are something to keep in mind. Instead of buying that hat or scarf at the store, order a unique one from a knitter. Odds are, you probably know at least one. When it comes time to shop for that baby or wedding gift, consider an heirloom item, instead of yet another wipes warmer or gravy bowl, that she is NEVER going to use anyway. And if you are a creative individual, and you have a skill to offer, think about hosting a party one night, and offer to teach your friends how to make something. Not only will it be a fun experience, but I'm willing to bet it will give them a whole new appreciation for what you actually do.
In this day of instant everything, I'm even more appreciative of the time, dedication, and love that goes into handmade items. Show these talented folks some love, and support them by purchasing their goods. Not only will you get high quality things, but odds are, you will get amazing customer service as well. And the recipient will get a one of a kind gift that shows them just how much you truly care, and something that they can cherish for a lifetime or longer...

Me, and my Berry Favorite Things booth, at a craft fair a few summers back. 

Readers Requests Day 3: What grinds my gears

Today's topic comes from one of my lovely young readers, Miss Ashlyn. She (like myself) is a big fan of the show 'Family Guy', so she suggested I do a Peter Griffin inspired "What Grinds My Gears" post. While I've done similar ones in the past, I can always think of more things that fire me up. So here are 25 things that Grind My Gears...

1. Ignorance. (This includes all forms of prejudice, racism, bias, unwarranted hate, etc.)
2. People who drive like idiots.
3. Bad tippers.
4. Basic grammar & spelling mistakes. (I mean come on... Did you fail 3rd grade?)
5. People who say Valentime's Day, pacific instead of specific, birfday, axe instead of ask, libarry, and so on. Speak English, not idiot.
6. People who use religion as an excuse for being closed-minded and judgmental.
7. Winter. (It's just too long, cold, grey, and miserable.)
8. Pants. (I CAN wear them, but I'd much rather be sans pantaloons.)
9. Imaginary paper jams. (To quote 'Office Space'... "THERE IS NO PAPER JAM!!")
10. People who wallow in self pity. (Let's make something clear, you aren't the only one with problems, so quit bitching, grow a pair, and freaking smile.)
11. Drama Queens. (It's called perspective, people. Get some.)
12. People who talk shit about the military. (I don't care what your political views/opinions are, those men & women are risking their lives to fight for YOUR freedom, and you damn well better appreciate it.)
13. Restroom stall doors that open in and not out. (Like this toilet box isn't small enough, now I practically have to step into the can just to open the door and escape.)
14. Overly nonchalant parents. (Listen, lady. I don't know what kind of happy pills you ingested, but your devil spawn is terrorizing the entire restaurant, so get the little shit under control.)
15. Things that twist to open the wrong way. (I'm talking to you Bath & Body Works wall air freshener plug-in refills. It's righty tighty, lefty loosey. Everyone knows that!)
16. The "I read it on the interwebs, so it must be true" types. (You know the ones. Too much time on their hands, and way too naïve. Keep Google-ing, and you can find an argument for anything, people. Get a clue.)
17. Animals in purses. (If you feel compelled to dress up your animal and carry it around with you at all times, I have concerns about your mental stability. It's a dog, not a doll. Also... it has 4 legs, let it use them from time to time.)
18. Fake Sharpies. (If I ask for a Sharpie, and you hand me an Office Depot Permanent Marker, I will stab you with it. THAT IS NOT A SHARPIE!)

19. Taylor Swift. (I just don't get the appeal. She's like Toddlers and Tiaras meets a 5th grade girl's diary. I'd rather hump a donkey.)
20. Raisins in cookies. (If you are going to put wrinkled up old fruit in a cookie, it should come with a clearly marked sign that says "These are NOT chocolate chips.")
21. Reality TV. (On what planet is this a reality? If you still believe that these shows are real, it's time to step out of your cave and get a life. And also... I've got a bridge to sell you.)
22. Duck face. (Ladies, ladies, ladies... there is nothing attractive about this look. NOTHING. Let's just try smiling, and see how that goes.)
23. Selfies in dirty rooms. (Listen... if you insist on posing in your bathroom and bedroom, at least make your bed, and move away from the toilet. And maybe run a vacuum...)
24. The hipster coffee pics. (OMG YOU GOT A DRINK AT STARBUCKS??? You are obviously the only person in the history of the universe to do that, you should really share it with the world. --Said no one EVER. Here's a tip: Unless an image of the Virgin Mary or Jesus showed up in your latte foam, no one cares.)
25. This.

(Ummm... car mods are great, but you don't have to do ALL of them. Maybe no one told you that. Let's tone it down a notch, shall we?)

Well folks, that's it. Twenty five things that Grind My Gears. I could go on and on with this topic, but just like with car mods and selfies.... Moderation is key.

Reader Requests Day 2: What would women tell men

Today's topic is courtesy of my friend, Ted. In his infinite humor, he suggested several topics, and while they are all good, I opted for this one. But out of fairness, the others were "Most embarrassing moment" and "Single guys guide to aphrodisiac foods". Embarrassing moments is hard, considering I grew up with four older brothers. My pride/shame was knocked out of me by age 12, so there's not too much that I get embarrassed about these days. And as for aphrodisiac foods... well, the fastest way into my pants isn't through food, and I'm happiest with Taco Bell and a cupcake, so I'm not much help in that department. So... What would women tell men it is.

While I don't consider myself a normal chick in many ways, I do (mostly) understand how the female mind works. So here are some things that I think more women wished men knew.

1. Farting is just not that funny. Seriously... your ass made noise, and now it smells like something died in the living room. HOW is that so hysterical? And while I'm on the subject, Dutch Ovens are NOT the way to turn your woman on in bed. And for those of us who have brothers, we had enough Cup a Farts to last a lifetime. Can we please grow up, guys?

2. Remember important dates. I mean come on. You aren't incapable of memorizing numbers when it comes to your fantasy football stats and the horsepower of every car known to man, so why is remembering a few dates so complicated? If you don't know your wife's birthday, your anniversary, and the dates your children were born.... at least be smart enough to put them in your Google calendar to remind you.

3. Clean up after yourself. Now I don't personally have this issue. My hubs is more OCD than I am, and that's saying something. But I often hear my girlfriends complaining about the messy men in their lives. We may love you, but we aren't your mother, or your maid, so if you make a mess, clean it up. If you take off dirty clothes, at the very least put them in the hamper. Rinsing your dishes and putting them in the dishwasher takes very little time, but saves your lady from having to nag you about it.

4. We have more than two erogenous zones. Shocking, I know. Women's bodies are sensitive in so many places, even some that you wouldn't normally think. (Backs of knees, wrists, etc.) And most women, while they might enjoy the "hot spots", they may get greater pleasure from other areas entirely. So kiss her neck and her shoulders, stroke her back and legs, massage her feet. Touch her and pay attention to how she reacts to those touches. And yes... you can still touch your favorite places, too.

5. We like it when you take charge. And I don't just mean in the bedroom. We love that you trust us to make decisions, but we don't always want to. If your wife/girlfriend asks you what you want for dinner, and you don't care. Just suggest something anyway. Because more than likely, if she's asking, it's because she doesn't care either. She is probably tired of deciding what to make day in and day out, so she just wants someone else to do it every now and again. The same goes for questions like "What do you want to do?" Just surprise us on occasion, and make a plan. Whether it's picking the movie, or the restaurant. We want you to have an opinion. And don't worry... if it's the wrong opinion, we'll surely let you know.

6. You can't fix everything. Sometimes when we are venting to you, we aren't asking you to do anything other than listen. This means don't offer advice, don't tell us "Well if you had just done what I told you to do, this wouldn't have happened." or anything else. Odds are, we already know that. Sometimes we just want you to listen, and really hear us. And sometimes... we just need a hug.

7. Hygiene is crucial. Women want a clean guy. Does this mean we don't ever expect you to get dirty? Hardly. In all honesty, a man getting dirty can be a real turn on. But if you are taking us out, don't show up in your dirty clothes, and smelling ripe. And before you get all "But I'm a MAN!" on me, I'm talking the basics. Shower, shave, trim your ear and nose hairs (seriously... if you can see them, so can everyone else) put on deodorant, and a touch of cologne. Keep your nails neat and trimmed, and for the love of everything holy, you should have TWO eyebrows. Get your shit together, fellas.

These are just some of the things women want men to know. Everyone is different though, so I'm sure you could ask any woman on the street and get a slew of other responses. When in doubt... just ask her. She may actually tell you.