The Many Faces of Grief

It's funny how people think about Grief. I think a lot of people believe that if you aren't crying, you must not be sad. I can't begin to tell you how wrong that is. 
I had people approach me at the funeral home and say things like "I can't believe you're not crying." or "You don't seem very upset to me." I was so shocked, I didn't even know how to respond. Then a friend of mine arrived, who has also lost a child, and said "I see you are in robot mode. That's good." and I wanted to kiss her. FINALLY someone who understood what I was going through. When you suffer an extreme tragedy, you react in a million different ways at once. You are so overwhelmed with emotions, that rarely does one individual feeling supersede all the others. Well, except maybe numbness. Did I cry? Of course I did. And I still do. All the damn time. Did I scream and yell, and question why? Yes. I went through such an extreme range of emotions in such a short time, that I'm not even sure I had time to recognize them all. I am still experiencing new ones, in fact. And reliving a good deal of the old ones. That is what Grief does to you. It doesn't come in any particular order or arrangement. It can strike you at any time. In any place. And for as short or as long as it takes. Period. So to assume that because someone isn't crying, they aren't sad, is ignorant. 
If you've ever had to make life altering decisions in a limited time frame, plan and attend your child's funeral and grieve, all while attempting to maintain any bit of sanity you may still possess, you may understand what "Robot mode" is. It is survival mode, pure and simple. You put your emotions in lockdown and you do what you have to do. Is it easy? Hell no. And it doesn't always work, either. But it is THE ONLY way to get through. Losing a child is something no one should EVER have to deal with. It is unthinkable and more painful than anything you could ever imagine. And it never ends. 
But you still have to wake up each day and live. So in order to do this, you create a second face for yourself. And maybe a third and a fourth face, too. Whatever it takes to get through. You smile, you laugh, you act normal. But that is external only. On the inside you are ripped apart. Your heart and soul are barren and you wonder if you will ever truly feel happiness or joy again. 
Grief is more often than not, a silent emotion. It is hidden. It shows its face from time to time, but you learn to cover it up with fake smiles and pretend normalcy. You wear a mask and you push through. 
For nearly 6 months, I've lived this life. I show one face to the world, while the real one hides just below the surface. You say "I'm fine." or "Things are OK." and you change the subject. That is how you survive. It becomes your new way of life. This is my new normal. You may ask why. Why not show the world your Grief? And some people may choose to do that. I don't. Grief is a very private thing. I've never been one for public displays of emotion, so for me, this is how I deal. Sometimes feelings escape, and it is unavoidable. Triggers are everywhere, and there is nothing you can do at times, but succumb to the emotions. But the rest of the time, you put your mask on and you act normal. 
This is what Grief does. It changes you. So don't assume that person who looks "OK" or "Just fine" isn't sad, depressed or in unimaginable pain. Don't ask them why they aren't crying or think of them as cold hearted. They are dealing with things you probably cannot imagine, so just be kind, and sometimes, just offer them a hug.