Salt Dough Art Project

For anyone who ever went to camp or took an art class, you are probably familiar with salt dough. The safe for kids, non toxic, cheap and easy to make clay that, though technically edible, still didn't taste as good as Play-Doh. 
Anywho... Salt dough is a great medium for making all kinds of fun projects. It is lightweight, and once dry, can be saved for years to come. After spending an undisclosed amount of time on Pinterest the other day, and seeing endless salt dough crafts, I decided to whip some up and see what I could make. 
Here is the recipe:
1 cup flour
1/2 cup salt
1/2 cup warm water
That's it. Easy peasy. 
Then, you just knead it together until it is well blended (I recommend a floured surface for working with it.) and is a workable consistency. Then get creative. 
You can roll it out and use cookie cutters to make shapes, or just mold it with your hands. You can also use stamps or various objects from around your house to create patterns in the dough.  The possibilities are truly endless. This is also a great kids project. A little messy, but loads of fun. Remember: If you are making something you're going to hang (ornaments, etc.) be sure to make the hole before baking. It is MUCH easier. 
Once you are finished making your shapes/creations, you can set them aside to dry. This can take up to several days. Or you can bake them at a low temp (around 200 degrees) until dry. This can take anywhere from 45 minutes to several hours, depending on the thickness of the projects. I baked mine for about an hour, then set near a window to dry the rest of the way. (They were dry the following afternoon.) 
Once they are dry, you can choose to paint and decorate them, or leave them just as they are. I used craft paint, but any kind of paint will do. I also sprayed mine with a clear coat to finish them off, but again, this is completely up to you. The clear coat will help protect them from dust, skin oils and more, so if it is something you plan on displaying, you should really consider it. Also, it adds a shiny finish, which gives your project a beautiful look. 
All in all, I think this was a fun and successful venture. I plan to make lots more goodies in the future. Happy Crafting! 

My completed first project. I still haven't decided exactly what I want to do with these cuties yet, but I am leaning towards magnets. :)

Grief Anger

As I've said before, I don't think that my Grief has gone in any particular order or stages. It's been a hurricane of emotions right from the start, and that hasn't changed much. 
I'm better able to deal with some of them, but they are all still there. Still raw. Still fresh. It's been nearly nine months since we lost our son. Not long in the grand scheme of things. Too long to not see or touch your child. 
He would be finishing up his first year of college about now. He was so nervous to start. I have no doubts he would have done great, though. He was always such a smart kid. 
But I guess we'll never truly know how it would have gone...
It makes me angry to think about it. He had so much life ahead of him. So many things he never had a chance to experience. College, living on his own, true love, a career, marriage, children. The list is endless. He had such a zest for life. He loved every second of it. Even when most people were complaining, he rarely was. He'd just shrug, laugh and say "Oh well. May as well make the best of it." 
Maybe that's what makes me so furious. I know so many people who piss and moan nonstop about anything and everything. They are so miserable in their existence, and they have no passion for anything. And they live long and healthy lives. It's unfair. I don't wish ill on anyone, but I just don't understand how the wheel of life turns. Why do the good die young? Why are so many innocent and beautiful souls taken so soon, while others who bring nothing but negativity and ugliness into the world live so long? Why does it seem as though the scales are tipped in favor of evil? Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I am bitter now. Or maybe I have always been. I'm not sure anymore. I just know that right now, I am angry. I am angry that my son isn't here anymore. I am angry that he is missing out on so much. I am angry that I am missing out on so much with him. I am angry that life is unfair and that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I am angry that I couldn't protect him. I am angry that my husband lost his best buddy. I am angry that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law lost their grandson and their nephew. I am angry that my nieces and nephews will never remember my son. Some of them will never meet him. I am angry that I'll never see my son graduate college, fall in love, get married and have children of his own. I am angry about so much, but mostly I am angry that I'm angry. 
I know it's the last thing Zach would've wanted. He would want me to laugh and smile, and enjoy life for him. I can hear his voice in my head telling me to knock it off and cheer up. I'm trying kid... I really am. But sometimes the anger gets the best of me. Grief is funny that way. 

                        One of Zachary's senior pictures. Just look at that smile.

The Elmer's Glue Facial Review

When you see a bottle of Elmer's School Glue, you probably think macaroni necklaces and cotton ball snowmen, right? Well think again! 
Elmer's isn't just for crafts and eating anymore. It is now a beauty product. Yup... you read that right. A beauty product. Ever heard of the glue facial? No? Well I did. I read about it numerous times and couldn't help but wonder how the first person discovered it. Did you fall asleep, face first, into your third grader's art project? Were you enjoying a mid afternoon glue snack and dribbled onto your chin, only to realize later that your chin looked 10 years younger? We'll probably never know the answer to that one, but after hearing about this for the umpteenth time, I needed to know the answer to one major question. Does it work? And the answer is.... (drum roll, please) ... YES! 
I know, I know... I couldn't believe it either, but amazingly enough, it truly does work. 
How, you ask? Let me explain...
Have you ever used those pore strips that pull out blackheads and funk when you peel them off? This works in much the same way. You brush on a thin layer of glue to the areas you want peeled. (Start with a clean face.) I suggest staying away from eyes and hairline, and I'll explain why in a second. Once you've covered the areas, allow the glue to dry completely. This takes about 15-20 minutes or so. You'll know when it's dry. Once it dries, grab an edge and start peeling. This part is like a bad alien movie. If you have small children, you may not want to do this part in front of them. You know... nightmares and all. You'll look like you are peeling off your face, and in some areas, it'll feel like that's what you're doing, as well. This is where the avoid eyes and hairline tip comes into play. It pulls. Hard. (That is how it cleans your pores.) If there are areas that are too sensitive to peel, don't fret. It is washable glue, so you can clean them off once you are finished. 
Once you have peeled as much off as you can tolerate, (and have of course, closely examined the dried glue for all the nasty bits) give your face a good wash to remove the excess glue. Pat dry. 
I opted to go over my face with Witch Hazel afterwards, but this is purely preference. If you have a good astringent that you use, go ahead. If not, no worries. I do suggest a good moisturizer after though, since this will remove some of your natural skin oils, and may dry you out. 
If you have sensitive or allergy prone skin, try it out on a small area first. I have uber sensitive skin, and so far, I haven't had a problem. Your skin will appear slightly pinkish after, but that is due to the peeling, and perfectly normal. 
I honestly didn't have high hopes for this, but being a frugal gal who loves a good skin treatment, I had to try it. I must say I am pleasantly surprised, and will definitely be doing this again. My skin looks and feels great and I can absolutely see a difference. Give it a try and see what you think! 

New Favorite Project

I'm so lucky to have a husband who not only supports me in my crafting, but is a HUGE help. Whatever crazy projects I can dream up, I always know he will help me make them happen. 
This project was no exception. I received a message from a friend, asking if I could make some kind of a display to hold dress up clothes. She was buying several princess dresses from Disney, for a preschool class her mother teaches, and she wanted a fun place to store them. I jumped on the chance to make this. I researched different designs and found a few I liked. Then I took the details I liked from each one and worked with my husband to create this. 

This unit is 4 feet tall and 3 feet wide. The space at the bottom provides storage for shoes, tiaras, wands and more. This could be painted to match any decor. A fun superhero theme for boys would be great, too. Or gender neutral for a mixed group. You could also add a mirror to the side or hooks for more accessories. It is so easy to customize this in a variety of ways. A great heirloom piece for any family, or perfect in a classroom, daycare center, church, etc. 

                                     The piece in its new home and ready to use.

An Interview With Hank The Gnome

Hank may look just like the Travelocity roaming gnome from the ads, but they are certainly not the same gnome. 
Hank does love to travel, but Hank's adventures take him to more than just tourist traps. 
For those of you who have never met Hank, and for those who just want to learn a little more about him, here is my interview with him. 

Me: Hank, tell me a little about yourself.
Hank: Well, I'm married to my lovely wife, Willow, and we have two gnomies. Our daughter, Narnia Alice and our son, Tolkien. We live in a beautiful home, along with my brother, Hanni, my great uncle Hod and my father-in-law, Papa Birch. We have great neighbors, Mick & Min DisGnome, who we hang out with a lot. My life is fairly simple really. I travel as much as I can, I love to laugh, I have recently started a facebook page to share my adventures (check that out here) and I'm just a happy guy. 
Me: I've heard you've been seen at some rally events. Is this true?
Hank: Yes, it's true. I love cars, and all things car related. I attended my first rally event a few months ago, in South Carolina, and had a great time. So many fun people and so much fun. I'm now an official member of the rally scene.
Me: There is a great deal of fear and hatred for gnomes. How do you deal with that?
Hank: Well... I guess I just try to show people that not all gnomes are underwear and sock thieves, and just because we look a little different, doesn't mean we really are. We may be small, but we have big hearts, and we love people. Now trolls... that's who people should really be afraid of. They are nasty little buggers. 
Me: Why should people be afraid of trolls?
Hank: They are the real thieves. And they live under bridges and beds, and bite your feet when they hang off. Plus they have all that crazy hair that gets all over everything, and that's just unsanitary. Uncivilized beasts. 
Me: I'm sensing some animosity there, so I'm just going to move on. What are your goals for the future? Do you have any travel plans coming up?
Hank: No special travel plans. I just go where life takes me. Live in the moment. I'd like to expand my reach on facebook, maybe move into twitter, see how that goes. My fans are great, and if seeing me out there just living my life changes even one person's attitude about gnomes, or eliminates even a little of the fear, I've done my job. Someday, I'd like to see a gnome in every home. There are so many homeless gnomes out there, just looking for a family to love and a garden to guard. 
Me: Sounds like there's a bit of a philanthropist inside you. 
Hank: (blushes) Well yeah... probably a little. 
Me: Well Hank, that's all the time we have for today, but I am so glad you sat down to speak with us. I think a lot of people have some misconceptions about gnomes, and I think you've made great strides in opening some minds. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors and thank you for stopping by. 
Hank: Thank you for having me. I am a big fan of Berry Favorite Things and appreciate you taking the time to get to know me. With your help, I think we can definitely make a difference in people's attitudes towards the gnome community. 

                                                   On the road with Hank the Gnome.

What Now? (A poem)

What Now?

The house is far too quiet,
There's no music to turn down.
The laundry hamper's empty,
There's no socks lying around. 
No snacks inside the pantry,
No wrappers on the floor, 
There's no one here who needs me,
I'm not a mother anymore. 

No messes here to clean up,
No lessons left to teach.
No boo boos that need kisses,
No shelves that can't be reached.
No homework to be checked,
No lists and rules and chores.
There's nothing left for me to do,
I'm not a mother anymore.

Three toothbrushes in the bathroom,
But only two of us live here.
But you aren't away at college,
You aren't living somewhere near.
You won't need help with groceries,
Or tips on how to score.  
You don't need me now for anything,
I'm not a mother anymore. 

No more stockings to be stuffed,
No more birthday dinners made.
The sound of your voice in my head,
Will slowly start to fade. 
Memories of how you left,
Still hurt me to the core.
Each day is a reminder,
I'm not a mother anymore. 

I still have lots of love to share,
Some advice I'd like to give.
I wasn't ready to say good-bye,
You had so much life to live.
They say God must have needed you,
But I can't understand what for. 
He took away our only child,
I'm not a mother anymore. 

There will be no wedding dance,
I won't see you say "I do." 
I'll never be a grandma,
And spoil a child or two. 
I guess we never know
What the future has in store...
But I do know one thing,
I'm not a mother anymore.

-Teena M. Hauxwell-Finn
April 19, 2013

A Media Driven World

With news of the latest bombing in Boston filling our television and social media screens, I can't help but think back to a simpler time. A time when the media didn't control our lives. We often look upon our youth as a better time. Things were easier, safer and just better. But were they? We know that bad things still happened. The world as a whole has not necessarily become more dangerous, or more violent. In fact, there are many studies that insist on just the opposite. That the world is actually safer and less violent now than in the past. But it sure doesn't feel that way, does it? I blame technology and the media. 
The major difference in the world in the last 50 years isn't more crazy people, it's more awareness. Growing up in the 80's, the news was on at set times, usually twice a day, in the morning and evening. For one hour a day, you learned about what was happening in the world. The news gave you the facts and that was it. You made up your own mind what to think about it. Every house received a newspaper each morning, and if you happened to miss the news, you could read about what you missed. Again... just the facts. The who, what, where, when and ONLY if they were 100% sure, the why. No speculation, no interviews from irrelevant sources, no biased opinions and no unnecessary regurgitation of the same information just to fill space and try to gain viewers. The news was a necessity, not a form of entertainment. 
Now, not only is the news on 24/7, but we have the internet, social media and smart phones to access not just the facts, but a million different people's interpretation of those facts. We mistakenly think the news is giving us information we need, when in reality it is feeding our fears. By filling our heads with information we don't need and constantly repeating it, we are being brainwashed to think that it isn't safe for our kids to play outside, and that every time we leave the relative safety of our homes, we are risking life and limb. We are allowing the media to convince us that the only way to be safe is to tune in to their every word and do exactly as they tell us. Sounds a bit similar to cult behavior to me. I like to think that I am a fairly intelligent individual. This means that I am fully capable of making up my own opinion on things. I don't want to live in a world where I am afraid to go outside. Bad things happen. That is a reality. If you cower in fear of everything, then what is the point in living? If we teach our children to be afraid of every  noise and smell and food, they will never enjoy life. The more you keep your kids locked inside and staring at a television or computer screen, the more brainwashed they become. Teach your children to be aware, not be afraid. Teach them to make up their own minds, not to allow others to make it for them. Show them the good and beauty in the world, don't bombard them with the evil. Let them play outside. I don't watch a lot of news, but last I checked, fresh air is still safe to breathe, and a few grass stains won't kill you. 
I know that there is darkness and evil in the world. It has existed as long as man. But there is also goodness and light. For every one bombing and terrorist attack, there are hundreds of positive stories that get overshadowed. Don't let the media turn you against your fellow man. Don't let them feed your fears and make you forget that there is an amazing world out there ready to be experienced and enjoyed. You have a mind of your own. Use it to decide what is important to you. You cannot turn off the scary, evil and ugly things in the world, but you can turn off the TV and computer. 

Real Talk: Guy Time

Since I already talked to the ladies, I think it's time I had a little chat with the fellas, too. Being a female, I like to think I have some idea of what women are looking for. Although, as you already know, some bitches be crazy. So for the sake of argument, let's just say this is a general list of things *most* gals prefer to see in a man. 

1. Don't be an idiot.
If you want to be a complete jackass when you are hanging with your boys, feel free. But if you want to get/keep a decent woman, keep your idiotic behavior to a controlled level. This includes: out of hand drinking, childish activities, foul language, etc. If you think it might annoy her, it probably will. So don't do it. 
2. Hygiene is a must.
Women want a man who looks and smells clean. Not someone who looks and smells like they just rolled out of a dumpster. Take regular showers. Use good smelling products while you're in there. Deodorant isn't just for special occasions. Use it every day. Check your finger and toe nails. Do you look like you are ready to dig your way to China? Gross. Cut them. While we're on the subject, buy a nail brush and scrub underneath them. We can assume where your hands have been, we don't need proof. Do your laundry often. Unless you are working on your car or fixing something, there is no excuse to be rocking stained and dirty clothes. You don't look cool, you look homeless. Brush your teeth at least twice a day. If you had a coney with extra onions for lunch, brush again. And gargle. Oh, and flossing isn't just something the dentist can do. Buy some and use it. Invest in good cologne. A nice smelling man is sexier. Period. But don't overdue it. A little goes a long way. 
3. Hair dos and don'ts.
If you use hair products, I beg of you, don't get carried away. A woman wants to be able to touch your hair, and maybe run her fingers through it. Not get stuck in it. We also don't want to feel like it took you longer to get ready than us. So keep it simple. Keep your facial hair trimmed and nice looking. I know giant beards are all the rage now, and while *some* gals may like that, most of us prefer a minimal amount of facial hair. We don't want to guess at what you look like underneath the fur mask. Trim your nose and ear hairs. They make these great little tools for it and it takes seconds. If I can't focus on what you're saying because I am watching your nose hairs dance around, we're going to have a problem. Look in the mirror. If you can see them, so can everyone else. Snip, snip. Now fellas... if you are blessed with the body hair of a gorilla, don't fret. Not all women want their men as smooth and hairless as a newborn. BUT... we also don't want to date Cousin Itt. Invest in an electric trimmer. They come with all sorts of attachments and guards that can be used to maintain a clean look. When I said before, that women like to run their fingers through your hair, I wasn't talking about the hair on your back. So, keep it manscaped. And when in doubt, there's always waxing. Ask your mother for the number to her salon, and let them help you out. 
4. Expectations.
I said it to the ladies, and I'll say it to you guys. If you want the perfect girl, you better be the perfect guy. Unless you look like Channing Tatum, don't expect her to look like a Victoria's Secret model. Real women come in all shapes and sizes, and aren't airbrushed to perfection. The sooner you accept this, the better off you'll be. Also, don't expect a woman to think and act like you. Odds are, she won't. Women are different than men. Period. It is a scientific fact that male and female brains work differently. You may not always understand her, so just be patient and kind. A hug goes a long way sometimes. 
5. Helpful hints.
Here are a few secrets to help you guys out. Women are really not that complicated. If you want to understand her, listen to her. Pay attention to what she says and how she says it. Watch her body language. *Most* women crave attention. Compliment her. You don't have to lavish her with gifts, but please try to remember her birthday and your anniversary at the very least. Treat her with respect. BE HONEST. I cannot stress this enough. Right from the get go, always be honest. No woman wants to find out 3 years into a relationship that you're anti marriage and kids. 

Now guys, these are by no means the only rules you should follow, but they are a good baseline for finding and keeping a quality woman. And if you are ever in doubt, feel free to ask us, we love to tell you what we want. ;)

Yes, this is a photo of bacon. If you treat a woman right, she might just make you some. 

Bitches Be Crazy

Ok gals, it's time for some real talk. As a female, I hear all the "Bitches be crazy" stuff and as much as I want to argue... well, I can't. Bitches really CAN be crazy. I think it's time we started being honest with each other. So here goes...

Ladies, if you are single and can't seem to find or keep a man, maybe it's time to stop blaming the guys and start being honest. Maybe the problem isn't with the fellas. Maybe YOU need to work on some things. Here's a basic checklist to see if *possibly* the problem is you.

1. Are you expecting more than you are offering? 
For example: Do you expect a man to be gorgeous, physically fit, employed, a home owner, no kids, no baggage, etc? If so, you better take a minute to run through that checklist yourself. Do YOU meet all your own requirements? If not, than why is it ok to expect someone else to? 
2. Do you have a romantic notion that life is like the movies?
If you spend all your free time watching romantic comedies and reading romance novels and expect life to be the same, you are insane. Life isn't a movie. The perfect guy probably isn't going to look like Ryan Gosling and write you love songs. 
3. Are you realistic in your expectations of a partner?
It's ok to have an idea in mind of what your "perfect" man might be, as long as you understand that he probably doesn't exist. If you spend all your time looking for some unrealistic perfect man, you are going to miss out on some real, genuine good guys. If you are over the age of 16, more than likely anyone you meet will come with some baggage. Guess what? You have some too. No one is perfect, so stop looking for that or you will find yourself alone forever. 
4. Are you crazy?
This is where you will need to be VERY honest with yourself. Women have a tendency to overlook a lot of unattractive behaviors or make excuses for them. If you act crazy, you will attract crazy men. If you act trashy, you will attract trashy men. If you act like a crazy, jealous stalker, you will scare men away. Here's a quick crazy test. Go to your social media pages and take a scroll. What do you see? If you are constantly bitching about your ex or being single, causing drama or posting a million duck face photos of yourself, you might be crazy. Get yourself in check. 
5. Stop using your past as an excuse.
If every time you meet a new guy you are comparing him to an ex... STOP. Not only is that unfair, but it is inexcusable. Unless you want to be compared to every female he has ever known, knock it off. Your past is your past. Leave it there. Unless you want to continue to make the same mistakes, let it go, move on and start fresh. Remember, YOU made those choices, so you can blame the guys all you want, but if you stayed with a cheater or a loser or an abuser and allowed the behavior to continue, you have to accept some of the blame. That is the harsh truth. If you keep picking the "wrong" guys every time, maybe the problem isn't the guys. 
6. Are you overlooking the obvious?
Do you have a male friend that you adore? Do you turn to him each and every time a relationship doesn't work out? Well, unless he's gay or spoken for, maybe it's time you opened your eyes. Stop "friending" every good guy just to continue to date losers. If he treats you well, you have tons in common, and he makes you laugh... he's a catch. One day, some girl is going to snatch him up and you are going to realize what you missed. Maybe it's time to make your "Plan B" your new Plan A. 

Bottom line ladies, is that if you want a REAL relationship, then you have to start by being real yourself. If you expect perfection, than you better be offering it. Be honest about who you are and what you expect. Life is enough of a guessing game, relationships shouldn't be. If you want a man to treat you like gold, you better be ready to return the favor. This is a two way street. You need to be willing to give in order to receive. And compromise is key. You aren't always going to get your way. So get your crazy in check and stop giving us ladies a bad name. 

Busy, Busy...

How often do you hear people say things like "I'm just too busy." or "Things have just been crazy busy lately!" or "I WISH I had time to do that, but I'm so busy all the time."? I hear it A LOT!

Busy, busy, busy... Sometimes I think that people just like to say that they are busy, when really, they aren't. I know a lot of people with A LOT of time on their hands, but if you ask them, they are just SO busy they barely have time to eat or sleep. What's up with that? Don't get me wrong, I think some folks really are busy. They work long hours, have multiple jobs, etc. But a vast majority of the people who THINK they are so busy, really aren't. So why say it? Is it an excuse to get out of doing something you don't want to do? Does it make you feel special or important? 

I myself am rarely busy. Sure, sometimes I have plans, or am currently doing something, but I am hardly ever truly "busy". Even when I worked two jobs, raised a son, maintained a spotless home, made time for my husband and loved ones, I still didn't consider myself busy. I often had things going on, sure, but I still made time for things I needed and wanted to do. I think that is the biggest problem people have. They often think they are busy, when in reality, they just don't manage their time well. Most people have a set work schedule. And if you have kids, they generally get out of school at the same time every day. And if they have activities, those often have a predetermined schedule as well. So... that means that if there are other things you need to do, (clean, eat, exercise, have sex, etc.) you must fit those in during the remaining hours. Makes sense, right? Yet people still seem to struggle with it. I know it can be challenging at times, life happens, and things don't always go as planned. But for the most part, it can be done. 

I often ask people who say they are busy a lot how much TV they watch. Or how much time a day they spend online. If people are honest, they realize a great deal of time is wasted doing a whole lot of nothing. "Oh my house is a disaster, I just haven't had time to clean! But can you believe what happened on The Bachelor? " Ummm.... really?? If you have time to watch useless television, than you have time to keep a house clean. If you've made 50 posts on facebook and pinned 800 things to boards on pinterest, but make your kids eat McDonalds because you didn't have time to cook... you are NOT managing your time well. Sorry, but that is just the truth. 

I think my biggest pet peeve with the "busy epidemic" is when people use it as an excuse to not be good parents, friends, spouses, etc. Children are not small for long. They grow up in the blink of an eye and before you know it, you've missed out on everything. Sitting in front of a TV or computer or staring at a phone should NEVER come before your child. Period. You should never be too busy to spend time with your kids. If you have to miss out on the latest twitter trends, or skip a blog post once in awhile, so be it. If you have your kids scheduled for activities during every free moment, you aren't doing them any favors. Kids need time to run and play, they need time with their siblings and parents to do family stuff. They need to not stare at a clock and feel rushed and hurried. They shouldn't be busy. 

If you and your spouse/partner haven't had sex or alone time in more than a week, and one of you isn't out of town or in a coma, you need to manage your time better. If you don't make time to nurture that relationship, it WILL fall apart. You need to make time for each other, even if it is just a few hours a day after the kids go to bed. Heading to separate rooms to watch TV, etc. will not bring you closer. Your children learn how to have good relationships from watching you, so if they see that you are always "too busy" for each other, they will take that lesson into their future relationships and continue the pattern. 

If every time your friends/loved ones invite you to do something, you are just too busy, eventually they will stop calling. Relationships are a two way street. If you want people to be there for you, then you sure as hell better return the favor. Even if it is just coffee before work, or dinner and drinks once a month. Maybe run your errands together, or join an exercise class with a few friends. Whatever you do, MAKE TIME. Those people will not always be there. Time is not a guarantee, nor is it infinite. 

Busyness is a state of mind. If you convince yourself that you are busy, you will feel busy. If you use your time wisely and manage it well, you will be surprised at how much you really have. If you put important things and people first, the rest will fall into place. So the next time you catch yourself saying "I'm just so busy." stop and think... are you truly?

8 Whole Months...

April 4, 2013. Eight months to the day. I still can't decide if it's been forever or merely a moment.  Time hasn't held much meaning since the accident. I barely know what day of the week it is anymore. But the 3rd and 4th of every month seem to find a way to make themselves known. It's like a funk that I just can't quite shake. The ever present depression and black hole are bigger and stronger than normal. I sleep even worse than usual, and I wake up feeling lost. 
Zach was born on a 4th, and he passed on one as well. He also graduated from high school on a 4th. Which wouldn't seem like that big of a deal, except that it was his first major life moment, and as it turned out... also his last. He never had the chance to start college. He never got engaged, married or had kids. His entire life was wrapped up into 18 short years. It isn't fair. I try not to get angry. I try to be thankful that we had him in our lives at all. I try to remind myself that he made a bigger impact in 18 short years than most people do in a lifetime. But then I get even more angry. I think "Imagine what he could have done with another 18 years. Or 30, or 50." 
Why him? I hear people say "It must have been his time." and I think "Is that true?" Do we come with expiration dates? Is there an invisible countdown somewhere that is ticking off the hours and seconds of our lives? If this idea is supposed to make me somehow feel better, it doesn't. Why do some people get so little time while others get so much? Why are killers and rapists allowed to live while innocent children are taken? Is this truly God's will? If so, how does anyone have any faith? I don't. I refuse to believe in any God who allows evil to continue and innocence to die. It gives me no comfort. 
Eight months ago, a single moment changed the course of our lives forever. The path that we were headed down, suddenly became a dead end. I don't know where the road leads now. I'm not even sure there IS a road. Sometimes it feels more like we are stumbling blindly through a forest, with no clear trail. Each step just takes us further away from him. From our son. From the family that we once knew. Sometimes I want to just stand still, and make time stop. I'm afraid as time passes and we continue on, I will forget things. The sound of his voice, the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. The feel of his arms around me in a hug. I'm afraid the memories that seem so clear now will start to fade. I cannot make new ones. These ones I have, are all I will ever have. They are precious and fragile. Time changes things. I now live in fear that time will take these from me, too. When 8 months becomes 8 years, will I still be able to hear his laugh in my mind? Will I still remember each line of his face? The smell of his hair? 
It's been 8 whole months... and my son is never coming back. 

                                              My little family. It will never be the same.

Surviving...

Well... we survived yet another holiday. Nearly 8 months have passed since losing our son, and though it certainly hasn't gotten any easier, we are learning to deal with our new normal. 
Holidays suck. Since losing Zach, I've had absolutely no desire to celebrate any holiday. They just don't feel happy anymore. I thought that Easter would be easier, since he was well grown out of the childish Easter traditions years ago. But as it turns out, that doesn't matter. We still always colored eggs together as a family and had a blast doing so. We'd dye so many eggs, we didn't know what to do with them all. We still colored eggs this year, but it wasn't the same. Nor will it ever be the same again. 
We still always bought him a basket of goodies. Though it was more candy and car parts and less games and toys. But I still loved buying his favorite treats and making up a basket to surprise him with. I didn't get to do that this year. Nor will I ever get to do it again. 
The funny thing about holidays after losing your only child is that you not only mourn the present, you grieve for the memories of the past. And you mourn the loss of a future. Dan & I will never take another family Easter photo. We will never have grandchildren or great grandchildren to hide eggs and buy treats for. We will never make new memories with our son. Our holiday & family traditions died with Zachary. 
People invite you over to celebrate with them and say things like "It's just a dinner." That couldn't be further from the truth. Every act is a reminder that our lives are forever changed. Every smiling photo is one that he isn't in. Every get together is one that he should be a part of, and isn't. And never will be again. 
Holidays suck. And we still have some of the biggest ones ahead of us. Surviving the loss of a child is... well, there are no words to describe it. Painful, awful, never ending and heart breaking aren't nearly adequate. 

                               My boys coloring eggs together. I miss this...