Various Other Projects (made recently)

If you haven't noticed yet, I make quite a few different things. I will attempt any craft once. And I am always getting requests for new things, so my projects span a wide range. Here are a few of my latest creations.

This is a tooth fairy door that I made for my nephews. I have 2 fairy doors in my home and they never cease to bring me a smile. I liked the idea of having one just for the tooth fairy though. You can leave your tooth on the little front step and in the morning, she has replaced it with a treat. I made this one bright colors since it was for 2 young boys, but they can be made in any color combo, and used in your home or garden for a touch of whimsy.

These are Beerings. They are the most popular item in my Redneck Chic line. I make them in a huge variety of styles. So much fun to wear and quite the conversation starter.

This guy was made as a Christmas gift for a lady who loves frogs. I've made him before in different colors, and he is just so fun. The glass knobs for hanging towels and such were a slightly different touch and a nice pop of color. 

This is another item from my Functional Wall Art line. It was made for a Wonderland themed nursery. I love all things Alice, so this one was a blast for me to make. 

More functional wall art. This pretty little owl is so sweet, I almost couldn't part with her. But I know she will get lots of love in her new home with a very lovely little lady. 

This I made just for me. I love wreaths & they are so quick and easy to make, so I am always making new ones to liven up my front door. This fun one was made using an old garden stake that my Mother-in-Law found. I repainted it and cut the stake off and it was perfect for a wreath! I have a minor (and well controlled) gnome addiction, so needless to say, I wasn't parting with this fella. 

I love to play with paint, but I am far from an artist. But when a friend of mine's birthday rolled around, I knew I had to make him something special. He is a huge Taylor Swift fan, so I made these using lyrics from some of his favorite songs. I want to make a million of these for myself now. A great way to display quotes, songs and more. 

I was recently asked to paint a wooden sign for a customer, and I was excited to try something new, since I had no experience in that. She was so happy with hers, that I wanted to make more of them. This one was for a family member's up north home. It's hard to tell in the pic, but the wood is white washed and antiqued. I look forward to making more of this. Wood is a wonderful medium to work with.

I have an odd sense of humor, so when I saw these pirate themed wood cut-outs on clearance, I knew I had to use them somehow. I have always found the phrase "poop deck" highly amusing, and thought it would be hilarious in a bathroom. So this little sign has a single hook to hang a towel or whatever you'd like. I'm still waiting for the right person for this though. 

Custom Dry Erase Boards (made recently)

I love organization of any kind. Seriously, I have some issues. So cork boards, dry erase boards and more are wonderful. But they are also so very ugly. I mean, who wants to hang a plain white board in a room they've tried so hard to make look beautiful? Not this gal. So I went about creating items that are not only functional, but lovely to look at as well. Yesterday, I showed you some of my latest cork and magnet boards. Today I want to share some of the fun custom dry erase boards I've been making. Remember, anything you see on here is available to order. You can either email me at teenah913@gmail.com or you can follow my facebook page and message me via there. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Berry-Favorite-Things/168231363272448

These 2 were made per request as gifts. They are so fun and would look great in a bar or man cave.

This french country themed dry erase board was made to match one of my regular customer's kitchens. She also ordered the decorative glass jars to match. I love these colors together.

This giant dry erase board was made for an office wall. It is MUCH bigger than my usual sizes, but it turned out beautiful and was a perfect match. I hope it gets plenty of use.

These 2 are part of a new Valentine's selection of gifts. They are the Love Notes dry erase board. A great place to share little confessions of love with that special someone. Can be made in any colors.

This dry erase board/desk organizer combo was created as a request for a unique and functional teacher's gift. It can be made in a wide variety of styles and colors, and would be great for an office or desk as well.

Custom Cork and Magnet Boards (recently made)

So I realized that I haven't posted many of my projects lately. For shame. Since this IS Berry Favorite Things, and my crafts are the biggest part of that, I promise to try and post them as I complete them from now on. (I've been slacking. Sorry, y'all.)
For today, I will show you some of the cork and magnet boards (Home Organizers) that I have made for customers as of late. I love this project. It is what started BFT, and it is still one of my all time favorite projects to make. Each one is unique and designed to match the customer's home. I hope you like them.

This one was a stunning example of how a black & white print can look so amazing with a pop of bright color. I love the charm detail along the bottom as well. This is a cork style board.

This is another cork style that was made for a french country themed kitchen. I love the way the pop of yellow accents the blue and white so well. And the little bow is so charming.

This is also a cork style. The look I was going for on this one was vintage glamour. The fabric pattern is very elegant and the shimmery gold trim accented it beautifully. The jewels at the bottom were the perfect finishing touch to this gorgeous piece.

These are two matching magnet style boards for a dining room. They are shown here in use, holding the customer's daughter's artwork. A great way to display kids projects and still maintain the classy look of your room.

Here is a closer look at those same boards. I also made matching magnets for it, but they aren't pictured.

This adorable owl themed magnet board with hooks for hanging jewelry was made for a sweet young lady's bedroom. The colors are soft and the polka dot trim adds just a touch of brightness. The matching owl magnets (pictured above the board) were also fun and whimsical.

This fiery magnet board was made for the son of the customer who ordered the owl board. It is the exact same size as the owl board as well, so no issues there. This one was a lot of fun to make, because the colors were so vivid. The red glass knobs are perfect for hanging his hat collection as well. The boy themed magnets (pictured below the board) were the perfect addition to this board.

This mini magnet board was a secret Santa order for a regular customer of mine. Since I knew it was going in a Paris themed room, I made the magnets match. This is just the right size to hold special photos or memories.

The Many Faces of Grief

It's funny how people think about Grief. I think a lot of people believe that if you aren't crying, you must not be sad. I can't begin to tell you how wrong that is. 
I had people approach me at the funeral home and say things like "I can't believe you're not crying." or "You don't seem very upset to me." I was so shocked, I didn't even know how to respond. Then a friend of mine arrived, who has also lost a child, and said "I see you are in robot mode. That's good." and I wanted to kiss her. FINALLY someone who understood what I was going through. When you suffer an extreme tragedy, you react in a million different ways at once. You are so overwhelmed with emotions, that rarely does one individual feeling supersede all the others. Well, except maybe numbness. Did I cry? Of course I did. And I still do. All the damn time. Did I scream and yell, and question why? Yes. I went through such an extreme range of emotions in such a short time, that I'm not even sure I had time to recognize them all. I am still experiencing new ones, in fact. And reliving a good deal of the old ones. That is what Grief does to you. It doesn't come in any particular order or arrangement. It can strike you at any time. In any place. And for as short or as long as it takes. Period. So to assume that because someone isn't crying, they aren't sad, is ignorant. 
If you've ever had to make life altering decisions in a limited time frame, plan and attend your child's funeral and grieve, all while attempting to maintain any bit of sanity you may still possess, you may understand what "Robot mode" is. It is survival mode, pure and simple. You put your emotions in lockdown and you do what you have to do. Is it easy? Hell no. And it doesn't always work, either. But it is THE ONLY way to get through. Losing a child is something no one should EVER have to deal with. It is unthinkable and more painful than anything you could ever imagine. And it never ends. 
But you still have to wake up each day and live. So in order to do this, you create a second face for yourself. And maybe a third and a fourth face, too. Whatever it takes to get through. You smile, you laugh, you act normal. But that is external only. On the inside you are ripped apart. Your heart and soul are barren and you wonder if you will ever truly feel happiness or joy again. 
Grief is more often than not, a silent emotion. It is hidden. It shows its face from time to time, but you learn to cover it up with fake smiles and pretend normalcy. You wear a mask and you push through. 
For nearly 6 months, I've lived this life. I show one face to the world, while the real one hides just below the surface. You say "I'm fine." or "Things are OK." and you change the subject. That is how you survive. It becomes your new way of life. This is my new normal. You may ask why. Why not show the world your Grief? And some people may choose to do that. I don't. Grief is a very private thing. I've never been one for public displays of emotion, so for me, this is how I deal. Sometimes feelings escape, and it is unavoidable. Triggers are everywhere, and there is nothing you can do at times, but succumb to the emotions. But the rest of the time, you put your mask on and you act normal. 
This is what Grief does. It changes you. So don't assume that person who looks "OK" or "Just fine" isn't sad, depressed or in unimaginable pain. Don't ask them why they aren't crying or think of them as cold hearted. They are dealing with things you probably cannot imagine, so just be kind, and sometimes, just offer them a hug. 

Tattoos and Opinions

I am amazed at how often I see and hear people make remarks about tattoos. I have had strangers approach me and compliment mine, but I've also had them tell me why I shouldn't have them, how I've ruined my body, or that I'm going to Hell. My general response to any and all comments is a simple thank you. Thank you for the compliment, and thank you for your unsolicited opinion. It works for both. 
I love the compliments. Who doesn't love a nice compliment, right? But the rest just blows my mind. Whatever happened to the "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." approach that we learned as children? Does this not apply as adults? Or maybe just not for body art. I've rarely had a stranger tell me they didn't like my shoes. And if they thought my blouse didn't match my pants, they managed to keep that to themselves. So what is it about tattoos (and piercings) that people just can't keep their mouths shut? 
I certainly wish I knew. Even before I got my first one, I've always found them beautiful. Of course there are some I don't care for. It's art. And art is subjective. But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the time, talent and possibly pain that went into creating it. And just like with any art, there are artists who are more gifted than others. I love my nephews drawings, and I'll hang them on my fridge, but I'd rather not adorn my body with them. Some tattoos are terrible. I think we can all agree on that. And yes, some people should spend more time thinking about what they get and where. But as with any personal style, it is just that. Personal. One man's trash is another man's treasure. The same is true with tattoos. What may look like nothing to you, could be that person's memorial tribute to a loved one. Or hold private & sentimental meaning. 
So why do people feel compelled to share their negative feelings on them? Would you walk up to someone who's had plastic surgery and tell them it looks awful and they shouldn't have done that to themselves? Or approach a stranger at the library and tell them their children are very unattractive? No. Those things are considered rude. So why is it not considered rude to do the same to someone with tattoos? 
When you see someone post a pic of their new car, and you don't care for it, do you tell them that? Or do you just say nothing? You probably just say nothing. And when your friend has a baby, and gets stretch marks, do you tell her she has ruined her body? No, you don't. So why would you tell someone with tattoos that? 
Let me just clear the air on something that people who say things about tattooed folks maybe don't know. We know they are permanent. That's kind of the idea. We also know that it changes the way our body looks. So does gaining/losing weight, having a baby, plastic surgery, etc. But people still continue to do those things. We also understand that not everyone will appreciate the art that we choose. But let me share a little secret with you... we don't care. Tattoos are a very personal thing, and they certainly aren't for everyone. But to imply that a body cannot be beautiful with tattoos is like saying the Louvre was better before they added the Mona Lisa. Maybe the architect thought so, but most people would disagree. Times have changed. People are finding new and creative ways to express themselves and their personal style. Tattoos are a part of that. They are a way to carry your thoughts, feelings, memories and more, with you all the time. And like it or not, they ARE art. And yes, someday they may fade and wrinkle. But there are cracks in the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and that is still an unbelievable  masterpiece. 
So the next time you see someone with a tattoo, and want to make a negative remark, keep in mind that what you say isn't going to change the way they feel about it. It is only going to make you look judgmental and rude. 

Apartment Living

So yesterday I was talking about how much I love my apartment, and my twitter sister, Nicole, said I should do a blog post (with pics of course) about it. Since she is the "Queen", and quite brilliant, I decided to heed her advice. So here it is.
A little over 3 years ago, when we moved back to Michigan from Texas, we decided to rent an apartment instead of buying or renting a house. We really liked our townhouse style apartment in TX, and had no complaints, so we opted to go that route again. We found our place via the internet and some suggestions from loved ones. They are considered condo style apartments, so it is a very small complex. Less than a 1/4 mile loop completes the entire thing. They are set in very natural surroundings, with tons of trees, water and pretty scenery. It is slightly off the beaten path, but conveniently located to highways and popular amenities. So we moved in. And ever since day one, we have been very happy. We have had the same wonderful neighbors, it is so quiet and peaceful, and very well maintained.
So, when people ask us (and it happens A LOT) why we choose to live in an apartment and not buy or rent a house, I feel like it is a silly question. Home is where you are happy and with those that you love, and this apartment is our home. (At least until we move again.) So when they ask that, I feel like I have a million great reasons. For starters, it is much cheaper than a house. If and when something major breaks (furnace, a/c, stove, etc) we make a call to maintenance and it gets fixed. At no cost to us. We don't have to have a lawn mower, weed whip, shovels, rakes, snow blower or any other yard care equipment (that cost money) because that is all done for us. In the summer, the grass is cut and cleaned up, and in the winter, the snow is plowed and sidewalks salted. All without us having to get a blister, or break a sweat. Or our backs. This means that when my husband gets home from work, we have that much more time together to do what we enjoy. I've been trying to convince him to get a dog, so we have something to play with. And if we do, we live in the perfect place. There is a "Bark Park" right in our complex. A fully fenced in play area for residents to bring their dogs to run around and socialize. Not to mention the several poopy stations throughout the complex with bags and a disposal for your little buddies messes. So if Fluffy makes a drop on your walk, you always have an accessible spot to take care of it. Brilliant, right? Oh and on that walk, you should stop by the office/clubhouse, since they always have doggie treats and love to say hi to the local furry residents. Oh yeah, that same clubhouse offers a full gym and a gorgeous pool. Very handy.
I'm sorry, what was I saying again?? Oh that's right. Why I love living in my apartment. My particular unit is a 2 bedroom, 2 full bath. It has a full laundry room, a garage, cathedral ceilings and plenty of room for activities. Don't believe me? Well let me just show you...

This is the view down to my front door. Each apartment has a private entrance, and since we are a second floor unit, we have this lovely space. (That is a little space heater built in also. These people thought of everything.) P.S- You know you dig the vintage gumball machine.

This is my surprisingly spacious kitchen. It has a full pantry, tons of cabinet and counter space and as of yesterday, brand new floors! (Yes, it is decorated in strawberries. Don't act shocked.)

This is my laundry room. It has plenty of space for storage, and it is where I keep all my Berry Favorite Things supplies. It also has brand new floors.

This is a view into my kitchen from the living room. I love the bar area. I sit there and do my crafts all the time. Great natural light throughout my entire place by the way, so sorry for all the glares. Above my bar is the giant cork board I made to go over the boring back of the cabinet space. I display photos of loved ones there. You'll notice all that floor space between the living and dining room as well. Yeah, we are far from cramped in here.

This is just some of my strawberry collection. Above my cabinets in the kitchen is the rest. But these are some of my fave pieces. To the left is my beautiful dart board and the creepy old ceramic cat that used to belong to my husband's grandparents. (I may or may not aim darts at it...)

This is the view into my living room. (The little bistro set is our mock cafe area. The faux window was created to hide the doors to the utility area.) Again, TONS of natural light, so sorry for the glares. But again... plenty of space.

This is the other side of the living room. This shelf is where we display all of our favorite Lego sets and that adorable little fireplace/stove is fake, but it looks great when lit up.

This is the second bedroom. It used to belong to our son, Zachary, but since his passing, we have attempted to turn it into a more functional guest room of sorts. We mostly use it to store his stuff and that futon faces a wall filled with photos and memories of his life. I like to sit there and read.

This is our bedroom. Or as my hubs refers to it, the Gypsy Room. I am NOT a morning person, so I created a space that is so filled with light and color, that is it difficult to not be happy when you wake up in there. It is a favorite room for many of my friends and loved ones.

This is the other side of the room. That door is to our bathroom. I didn't take pics of that room, since I still haven't done much to it. It's decorated in a sort of Americana theme at the moment and I'm not sure I love it.

This is the main bathroom. (also with new floors) and it has a pin-up type theme. It was hard to get a good pic, but the artwork in there is a mix of retro and modern pin-ups, all in black and white. The zebra curtain added a pop of wild fun. And it looked great against the bright red walls.

This is a different angle into the living room (the sliding doors are to the patio/balcony that overlook a pretty little wooded area) The shelves are my books, photos and assorted items that hold sentimental value to us. You'll notice the Curious George, Hello Kitty and stuffed chicken that are chilling on the sofa. Yeah, those are our favorite throw pillows. (I told you, our place is colorful and fun.)
So that's the tour. I could list a million reasons why I love our apartment, and have no desire to get back into the stress and hassle of home ownership, but the main reason is this. It's not only a lovely place, but living here saves us time, so we have more time to do the things we love. It allowed us so much extra time that we spent with our son the past few years, and we will forever be grateful for that time. We save money, so I can afford to stay home and we don't have to kill ourselves to pay for a mortgage, home repairs, energy bills and more. We save stress, not worrying about how much your home is worth, IF you can sell it if you need to, and how you will pay for a new roof, furnace, etc. is a huge weight off our shoulders. And right now, with everything we are already dealing with, that in and of itself is worth it. So, to those of you who think all apartments are tiny, ugly, noisy and cheap little holes, think again. Houses aren't a fit for everyone, so before you jump into one, consider your options and ask around. You'd be surprised what else is out there.

Cars and Fashion

Just last weekend, a very dear friend of mine, Vanessa, attended the North American International Auto Show (NAIAS) Gala Event. Now, Vanessa is a fashion blogger, and a damn good one. If you aren't familiar with her blog, you should definitely check it out. (http://readydressedgo.blogspot.com/) She has an artistic eye for design and a sense of style that is off the charts. Keep in mind, I said that she is a fashion blogger. Not a car enthusiast. So of course the Gala Event was right up her alley. Wall to wall formal wear, fabulous shoes and enough bling and accessories to make Zsa Zsa Gabor drool. 
After the event, she did a write up on her blog about the great fashions that she had encountered. Upon tweeting this, a rather angry gentleman implied that the NAIAS was too Hollywood, and that it was about the cars, rather than the fashion. Now my darling friend, being the sassy and smart gal she is, of course already responded in her clever way with a brilliant retort. But, being as I AM a car person, and someone who also loves and appreciates fashion, I felt the need to respond as well. So listen up, angry car guy, you might just learn something.
Cars and fashion have long gone hand in hand. From the very early days of the automobile, it was a sign of style and class. You put on your Sunday best and went for a drive. You wanted everyone to know that you had not only money, but great taste as well. You would never step out of a Rolls Royce in sweat pants and a dirty t-shirt. It would be a crime. 
Car companies and fashion designers quickly realized what a great opportunity they had. By teaming up, they could expand their brands to an entirely new audience. In the early 1970's, AMC teamed up with Gucci for an exclusive edition Hornet. This was such a success, that higher end companies started following in their footsteps. Lincoln had an entire Designer Series line that included interior finishes from Cartier, Pucci, Givenchy and Bill Blass. Customers ate it up. Not only did you have a great machine, but now it had even more style and finesse. And it appealed to a whole new market. We all know at least one person who owned an Eddie Bauer Edition Ford Explorer or an L.L Bean Subaru Forester. They were extremely popular with not only car enthusiasts, but fashion lovers as well. And who can forget the denim upholstered Gremlin? What a spicy little gem that was. And how about Mini? Each year, they team up with a fashion designer to create a unique car, all in the name of charity. What a brilliant idea! Cars and fashion have long been hanging in the same circles. This is nothing new. How many clothing brands use cars and trucks in their advertising? Tons! Why? Because it works. If that great pair of pants didn't catch your eye, odds are, the sleek and sexy muscle car the model is perched atop did. And have you ever been to a car show? Look around. Eight out of every ten people there are sporting some kind of attire with their favorite car logo. From hats, shirts and jackets, to shoes, handbags and more. There is absolutely no denying that cars and fashion belong together. 
And as for Hollywood, well, have you ever seen a movie? Hollywood loves its cars. Whether they are the star of the film (Transformers, Fast and Furious, The Italian Job, Smokey and the Bandit, Gone in 60 Seconds and MANY more) or they are just being raced, chased, smashed and crashed, cars have made their mark on Hollywood and they aren't going anywhere. 
If I haven't made it clear already, I love cars. I fully intend on a trip to the NAIAS and drooling over the latest beautiful machines on display. I will talk about engines and turbos and I will make cracks about terrible body lines hideous wheels. But let me tell you this... if whilst oogling a stunning piece of automotive art, I happen upon a fabulous pair of shoes or a glorious handbag, you bet your ass I'll be checking that out too. 

Love the Haters

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says "I heart Haters" and it couldn't be more true. The world is filled with negative people, putting out ugly juju into the universe. We all know at least one of these people. They come in many forms. 
*The Poor Me*
Everyone and everything in the known world is out to get them. They turn every situation around and make it about themselves and how much worse it is for them. They could turn even the happiest moment into a pity party somehow. 

*The Debbie Downer*
Nothing ever works out for these people. Their boss hates them, the mailman purposely lost their mail, the restaurant ALWAYS forgets the extra ranch dressing, they're too fat or too skinny, too hot or too cold... I think you get the picture. 

*The Extreme Narcissist*
They want attention for EVERYTHING! From whining to taking credit, they are always turning the spotlight on themselves. You know the ones. They think every facebook post is about them and they just cannot keep from commenting and bringing attention on themselves. 

*The Crazy Ones*
The liars, the backstabbers, the vindictive and evil ones. The people who will talk shit behind everyone's back and then try and turn the tables and blame them. The ones who think their shit doesn't stink and sit so high on their own pedestals that they lose track of reality. The ones who will read this and apply it to everyone they know, but not themselves. Yup, we all know at least one.

The world is filled with people like this. You are bound to come across them from time to time. So what do you do? Well, I am a firm believer in standing up for yourself and never allowing another person to walk all over you or use you. So, sometimes, you'll have to confront people like this. You'll have to be direct and honest and tell them you refuse to let them bring you down. I also believe that this approach sadly doesn't work for all Haters. Sometimes against all our better judgement, we just have to ignore it. Yup, you just have to be the bigger person and let it go. You can't change everyone, nor is it worth it to try to. Haters want to hate. It gives them a sense of power or purpose. It makes them feel like they are better than they really are by trying to make others feel like less. The only thing you can do is to take that power away. Don't give in to their games, and their manipulations and don't allow them to bring you down to their level. Raise your chin and walk away. YOU are the better person. I believe you reap what you sow. Haters create their own sad worlds. Life hands everyone their share of hardships, but it is how you respond to those hardships that make you the person you are. If you allow them to break you down and you wallow in that, you will only bring more of it onto yourself. If you try to rise above it, and find the positive, you will see the good things in life. 
Haters want to blame the world for their problems, when in reality, they are 99.9% responsible for them. When all you put into the universe is negative, how can you expect to get anything else in return? 
Now don't get me wrong, we ALL have our Hater Moments. It's only human. I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about the people who are Constant Haters. They can never truly be happy for another person, because they are jealous or bitter. They want everyone around them to be as miserable as they are, because, as we all know, 'Misery loves company'. 
Well, I've decided that from now on, I am going to love the Haters. They are going to be my motivation to NOT be like them. For every Hater I encounter, I am going to make a point of being the opposite. If you want to bring negative into my world, be prepared to be ignored. After the loss of my son, I am finding it harder and harder to be positive, and I am taking a stand right now and saying that I will no longer put up with negative attitudes. If you want to create drama, piss and moan constantly, be insulting and hateful, go right ahead. But consider yourself warned. I will no longer allow it into my life. I do not and will not hate you. That requires too much of my time and energy. Instead I will love you for reminding me that I am not like you, nor do I wish to be. I recently read a quote that said "Don't expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people." and I realized just how true that is...

Struggle

Let me start by saying that I LOVE cars. Ever since I can remember, I have been fascinated by the looks and sounds of these amazing machines.

They come in so many different shapes and sizes, you could never see them all. I love the way that people take an automobile and make it as unique as themselves. I love driving. I love the feel of the car under and around me. I love the sound of the engine as you accelerate and the noise of a turbo spooling up. Each car has its own unique and individual sounds, and the best ones can be recognized in an instant. 

When I met my hubs, and found out that he was a "car guy", I was elated. I grew up with four brothers, but even though they all have an appreciation for cool cars, they weren't what I would call "car guys". I love that Dan (my hubs) is into cars. And not only does he love them, but he knows damn near EVERYTHING about them. Seriously, it's kinda freaky. But I love it. I love that I can ask him questions and he can answer them. I love watching him work on cars and learning new things. I love the passion and excitement in his voice when he talks about cars and car parts. It's adorable. And contagious. I find myself getting giddy over carbon fiber and blow off valves. 

Dan comes from a long line of car guys. His dad, uncles, grandfather, etc. all have this love of vehicles. So, it was no surprise when our son, Zachary, started exhibiting all the usual signs of engine fever. It was in his blood. As a child, he was always in and around fast cars, he probably spent as much time in a garage as a playground. And he loved it. When he got his first car, he couldn't wait to start changing parts and "making it better". So, of course between him & his Dad, they did. Some of my favorite family memories with my husband and son involve cars. From hanging out together in the garage, to car shows, race tracks and more. We were a self proclaimed car family. Team Finn. That was us. We watched car videos together, and bought each other car parts for birthdays and Christmas. On any given day, one or all of us was wearing clothing with our favorite car company logo emblazoned on it. Bickering over our favorite cars or discussing parts was dinner conversation for us. 

Now part of being into cars is understanding all the risks and dangers involved with driving. Especially when driving fast or recklessly. My husband has always been an amazing driver. It's like he has a sixth sense when it comes to cars. He is so in touch with his car, it's like an extension of his body. I am continually impressed by what I have seen him do in a driver's seat. It's awe inspiring. And sexy as hell. But he is also VERY careful to explain to others that he has years of experience doing what he does. So when our son started driving, he had it drilled into his head on a regular basis to NOT do these things. And for the most part, he listened. At least as much as any teenager with oil in his blood and a genetic case of engine fever is bound to listen. He had a healthy respect for the power and dangers that come with the territory. On August 3rd, 2012, our son, Zachary was involved in a roll over car accident. He wasn't drinking or on drugs, and he wasn't driving carelessly. It was just a freak accident. On August 4th, he passed away due to his injuries. He had just gotten a new car less than a week earlier. A Subaru, like his Dad. We were becoming a Subaru family, and he was so excited to show it off to his friends. A few days before, he and his Dad had put a brand new stereo in it and were making plans for all the things they were going to do to the car.

He never got the chance to do any of it. At 18 years old, our son died doing something he loved. Driving. This is my struggle. For all the love I have of cars, and all the joy they have brought me and my family, I now find them in my nightmares. I am haunted by the images of my son's last moments and the twisted metal wreckage that brought them to pass. Although logically, I know the car was not responsible for his death, I cannot help but think that maybe things would or could have been different if he hadn't been behind the wheel. I know that this is a futile battle waging in my mind, because things are NOT different, and no matter how much I wish it so, the past cannot be changed. But I struggle, nonetheless. 

Each time my husband gets in his car to go to work, or run an errand, my heart stops beating, and does not resume its normal pace until he returns home safely. I live in constant fear of another knock at the door or panicked phone call telling me my life is forever changed. Again. 

I encouraged my husband not to give up his love of cars. To keep finding joy in them, as I know our son would want him to. And I am grateful that he has resumed car projects and I have seen his spark return while behind the wheel of his beloved Subaru. I wish I could say the same. I find myself dreading getting in it. I am OK in our daily drivers. They don't bother me too much. Though I certainly don't find the same simple joy in driving as I once did. But getting into my husbands project car makes me feel sick to my stomach. Maybe it's because that is what we drove to the hospital that fateful day, or maybe it's because I know the raw power and speed that car possesses and now am all too aware of what can happen. I'm honestly not sure. But I do know that I am almost grateful for the winter weather that keeps it tucked safely in the garage. I hope that in time, these feelings will pass, and I too can find the happiness I once found in it. Because I DO love it. 

But I still struggle with these mixed feelings about cars. I love them and hate them equally right now. I love hearing my husband get excited about parts and videos, but at the same time, I am struggling with NOT wanting to hear or talk about them because it brings up difficult memories. I hope this is just a temporary feeling, and that in time, I can get over it. But for now, this is just another path the Grief has taken me down, and I have little choice but to follow it...

(My son, Zachary, with his beloved first car. This was one of his senior pictures.)

My Inner Child

I'm going to just go ahead and say what we all think. Growing up sucks. Yeah, there's a few perks, like being able to drink & have sex, but those things are fun. But jobs, bills, responsibilities, stress and life in general, has a way of sucking the joy out of things. As a child, life was filled with happiness. It was everywhere you looked. From an empty box that could be anything from a robot to a rocket ship, to your backyard, which at any moment could be transformed into a magical fairyland or deep dark woods filled with evil goblins. Life was what you made it. Anything your mind could conjure up became your reality. At least until Mom called you in for dinner. 

The same just isn't true as an adult. You can't turn your stuffy cubicle into a pirate ship and shoot rubber band cannons at your enemy. Well, you could, but I doubt it would go over so well. When your spouse or your kids are stressing you out, you can't go hide in your fort and escape into a book. They'll just follow you. So what do you do? How do you keep your sanity in a world that does its best to make you crazy? 

Well, some folks do drugs. Some drink. Some spend entirely too much time on internet porn. I'm not judging. To each their own, I say. But I have taken a different route. I've opted to stay in touch with my inner child. 

Do you ever notice how when playing with kids, it's so easy to get absorbed into their activities? How quick to laugh, and be silly we are when surrounded by the innocence and joy of children? It's because we are connecting with our inner child during that time. 

Personally, I have a great relationship with my inner child. I'm not afraid to bring her out from time to time and escape from the all too real realities that are my life. Some people see my gnome collection or the silly pics I take of them and think "She's so weird." Yup. I am. But you know what? It makes me laugh. And if it brings a smile, or a laugh to one other person, even better. I still play with Legos. I wear a tiara when I clean my house. I have stuffed animals as throw pillows on my sofa. And sometimes, when life gets a bit out of control, I build a fort, hide in it and color. Does this make me insane? Who knows. I like to think I'm relatively sane. But if I'm not, oh well. I suppose it could always be worse. 

As a child, I had an imaginary friend, and while some people think that is the sign of a creative mind, others think it is a sign that you  might need therapy. It could go either way. I like to think of myself as a creative individual, but I'm sure a therapist would have a field day with me, as well. I'm not perfect. (Big shock, right?) But I have no desire to be. Where's the fun in being perfect? What could be considered flaws to one person may be charming quirks to another. I am who I am, and I make no apologies. 

So is being in touch with your inner child such a crazy thing? Is it so mad to want to reconnect with a part of yourself that was innocent and carefree? A part that found happiness in the simple things. A part that dealt with the disappointments in life with a snack and a brightly colored Band-Aid. A part that started each day with a smile and enough energy to take on the world. A part that knew the only difference between the bathtub and Atlantis was a matter of perspective. Call me crazy, but I think life is hard enough without having to grow old and cynical too. So, I'm sticking with my inner child. She has a great sense of adventure, and throws a mean tea party, too. 

Messages of Love

Ever since I lost the first person I cared about, I've wondered what happens to them after their passing. But after losing my son, this curiosity has become more of an obsession. I'm just not sure what to believe...

I myself am not religious. I was raised in the church, but I just never bought into the whole God thing. It just didn't click with me. I believe in the concept of being good to one another and trying to be the best person you can, and many of the facets of religion as a whole, but not so much the part about a giant, all knowing, all seeing, yet completely uninvolved entity in the sky. But that is a subject for another day, so back to the subject at hand. 

What happens to us after death? It is a question that has haunted (no pun intended) people for eons. I have talked to many people about this, and have heard everything from "Nothing." to every version of Heaven you can fathom. I really don't want to believe nothing happens. And I find that difficult to believe anyway. It is a fact that we are made of energy. It is also a fact that energy cannot be destroyed. It can however be changed. This leads me to what I have come to believe. 

I think that when a person passes away, their physical body dies. But the energy that they possessed must go somewhere. Since I very strongly feel that ghosts & spirits are real, having witnessed this myself, the idea that a person's energy (or soul) carries on is feasible to me. 

I think we are surrounded by the energies/souls of those that have gone. I believe that just like every person in life was different, so are their souls in death. Some are more energetic, some are quieter, some are angry, some are happy, etc. So their energy manifests itself in different ways. 

I FEEL my son with me. Not in a physical manner, but in an energy that surrounds me. Sometimes it is stronger than others, but it is there. I can't explain it, and if you've never experienced it, you'll probably think I'm crazy. But if you HAVE felt the "presence" of a passed loved one around you, then you know what I'm talking about. 

Since Zachary's passing, myself and others have had signs & messages that we have no doubt are from him. Are we just yearning so badly for proof that he's not gone, that we are reading too much into things? I suppose that's possible. But isn't it also possible that we really are receiving some kind of clue that he is still here? I understand that there are coincidences in life. But when do repeated coincidences become something more? When do we stop making excuses and just accept that some things we just can't explain? Maybe you have to lose someone close to you. Maybe you just have to have faith. Whatever the case, I have chose to accept that my son is still here. That although his physical body is gone, his energy and his soul are not. 

For those of you that have struggled with Grief, and especially the loss of a child, you know the hopelessness and pain that it brings. The sadness and agony that are always just below the surface. If you've ever received a sign or a message from that loved one, you also know the unadulterated joy it gives you. Though it may only be temporary, it is a reprieve from the pain nonetheless. And isn't that the point? They want us to be happy. To carry on. Not to forget THEM, but to try and forget the sorrow. So they are reminding us that they are not truly gone, they have just changed forms. 

Maybe this sounds crazy to you, and that's fine. Sometimes it sounds crazy to me, too. But I am choosing to believe. I am choosing my son over nothingness. So if that makes me crazy, so be it. I can't say I have felt 100% sane these past 5 months anyway. 

So to those who think that their loved ones are sending them messages or signs. Whether they are feathers, butterflies, dreams, music or something else. Embrace them. Allow them to fill your heart and bring you some much needed peace. Even if only for a little while. Where's the harm in that?

Five Months...

Today is five months since my son passed. 
Five months without seeing his smile. Five months without hearing his voice, his laugh. Five months since I held his hand and said goodbye... It feels like an eternity. People tell me it gets easier with time. Since each day has been harder than the last, I find that very difficult to fathom.  How long does it take to accept that your child isn't ever coming home? How long before you stop looking for them around every corner? A year? Five years? Ten? Maybe... but I doubt it. I don't think time is the answer. No amount of time will help this make sense. 
Today has been awful. I cannot stop crying. I sit in his room and stare at his face in photos and think "That's it. That's all there is." What we have now is all we will ever have. There will be no new ones. No college graduation pic, no wedding photos, no tender image of him holding his newborn child. I stare at them hoping to see something new. A cheesy grin I might have missed. But they don't change. I know them all by heart. Every memory is a treasure that I cherish. I live in fear of forgetting even a single moment. 
I have one shirt left that still smells like him. I keep it in a drawer away from other things to try to make it last as long as possible. I only pull it out when I need it most. Today it is wet with my tears. I'd give anything to hug him one more time and inhale his scent. As parents, we take things like that for granted. Their smell, the sound of their breathing as they sleep, the faces they make when they are mad, hurt, scared, happy or surprised. We get so used to them, we don't even realize we aren't paying attention to it anymore. Until it's gone. If someone had asked me 6 months ago if I would ever miss the smell of my son's dirty, stinky feet, I would've laughed in their face. Today, I would give anything to be picking up a pair of his ripe socks off the floor and teasing him about them. I see/hear parents complain about their kids and I think "You have no idea how lucky you are." I'd sacrifice everything for even one eye roll and a snarky remark from my son. See, the thing is, when you lose your child, you don't just miss the good moments, you miss every moment. Because even a pair of dirty socks left on the floor, or a glass of spilled juice, or a broken window means they are still with you. You can still wrap your arms around them. You can still tell them you love them. You can still hear the sound of their voice. To a parent who's lost their child, those moments are priceless and we'd do anything in our power to have them back. 
Today is five months. Five months of wishing I had him back. Five months of hoping this was all just a bad dream and hoping I'd wake up. Five months of wondering if I can make it another day without him.