Some Thoughts on the Future of Rally in America

The countdown is on in the rally community for January 1, 2015, when we will hopefully find out what all the hype over the USRA action really means. To say it's been confusing and a giant rumor starter would be an understatement, and the lack of response by Rally America to questions and concerns is frustrating to say the least. 
As a fan, crew member, and soon to be competitor in stage rally, I must say that I am a bit nervous about what this all means for the sport that I love. Like most of us, I'm not 100% thrilled with the way the sport is run, and would be happy to see some changes made that benefit smaller teams like ours. The constant catering by Rally America to the big names (cough, Subaru, cough) while almost entirely ignoring the small budget regional teams has left a bad taste in my mouth. Especially considering that in the past year, nearly all of the major competition and excitement has come from non factory backed teams, most of them competing at the regional level. Here in America, rally doesn't have the following that it does in the rest of the world. But it DOES have a following. And a loyal one at that. With the growth of rallycross, and the soon to be returning SCCA rally sprints, I think we will see a new wave of interest in the very near future as well. Rally isn't dead. Far from it. But it is getting increasingly more difficult to be a competitor and even a fan. So how can we fix that? What can we do to make the sport we love more available? 
The most obvious answer is to make entry fees cheaper. But is that possible? Rallies aren't free to run, and while I don't know the ins and outs of where the finances go, I don't think anyone is getting rich off of entry fees. (Although Anders at NASA Rally Sport DOES seem to have quite a nice hat collection... maybe we need to look into that.) But... what is the money going towards? Could it be used better? Or could some of that money be made in more creative ways? For example, at STPR in Pennsylvania, there is the super special event at the end of the rally, and spectators are charged a small fee to watch the teams compete in a rallycross type race. In my experience, that seems to get a pretty good draw. Would something like that be possible at all events? Or go even a step further, and for a larger fee, allow fans to enter their own cars, and compete against the drivers they admire. (An idea I saw suggested by a fan recently, that I think is rather brilliant.) Short ride alongs are another option. Anything that allows the fans to get closer and more involved is always going to help boost the sport. Let's start thinking outside the box. Maybe some of the bigger teams could hold raffles, and the winner could be an honorary crew member for the day. What about getting the local communities, who are hosting the races, more involved? A short parade ending at Parc Expose? Local businesses could pay to be in it, or teams could charge a small fee to drape banners or decorate their cars with the names of local shops, restaurants, etc. More often than not, the towns hosting these events have little to no knowledge of the sport, which leads to frustration and negative actions. (Holding up stages, complaints, etc.) If we made more of an effort to get them involved, who knows what kind of a difference it could make. 
Another issue I think needs to be addressed is media. Let's face it, we live in a media based world. It's never going to be easy to convince people to drive out into the woods, hike a few miles in the rain or snow, to watch a very small section of road, while one car every minute or two drives by. Even typing it is boring me. So how do we get them to watch? The obvious answer is through TV and videos. Rally America had an awesome opportunity with NBC Sports this past year, and they blew it. Aside from the fact that the episodes were essentially infomercials for Ford and Subaru, they also did a piss poor marketing job. No advertising, no internet availability, they even aired one event DURING another event. Seriously, guys? Get your heads out of your asses. I could go on forever about how disappointing that whole deal was, but I won't. Instead, I'll say this:
If FY Racing can get 20,000+ views on a YouTube video, there is most definitely a market for it. Maybe shooting for NBC Sports was too big of a jump. So let's start smaller. Nearly every team has a YouTube channel. Within hours of a race, there is countless fan and competitor footage floating around. Why not follow the likes of something like TheSmokingTire or /DRIVE and create small episodes for YouTube? Allow teams, fans, and photographers to submit their footage from each event. Or what about Netflix or HULU, or any internet based streaming company? Would it be possible to team up with them? Somehow we have to be able to get coverage to more people. I can't tell you how many non rally folks I have made watch 'Easier Said Than Done' who became instant fans. Those same people would never, ever take a weekend off to go sit in the woods and stare at 50 feet of gravel for an hour. Hell, I don't even want to spectate, and I AM a rally fan. But I'll be damned if I miss the latest FY, BRAKIM, or Subaru Launch Control video. Why? Because I can watch it without pants on, in my living room, and I can get a much better idea of the sport. If NASCAR only allowed fans to watch one turn, how many people do you think would show up to watch? The only way for fans to really see what goes on in a rally is through video. But guess what? Once they've seen the videos, they'll want more. So they'll come to events, they'll want to meet the drivers, they'll want to build cars and BECOME drivers. That is how a sport grows. Media is the gateway drug for the future addicts of rally.
We also need to start acknowledging that there are more than 3 teams in the sport. NASA Rally Sport does a great job of this, and Rally America should take a cue from them. Every single team paid to be there, and they deserve some recognition. It shouldn't be any harder to find times for small, regional teams than it is to find them for the big, national teams. If the only drivers people ever hear about and see are Travis, Ken, and David, then what happens when they quit showing up to races? Encourage fans to get to know their local drivers, interview the guy that worked two jobs to build his own car, share the stories of the other teams that aren't getting paid to be there. Let the fans know that rally is accessible to everyone, not just a few.
These are just a few of the things that I personally hope to see changed for the better in the new year. I love rally, and I'm excited to be a part of it, and I want everyone to know what an incredible sport it is. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed, as I know many others are as well, to see what happens with the announcements tomorrow.
Here's to keeping it dirty, my friends. 

(Thank you to Images by Achilyse for the original action shot used to make this.)

The Only Real Resolution

Let's be real... very few people ever stick to their New Year's Resolutions. Sure, we make them with the best of intentions, but isn't there a quote about the road to Hell and good intentions? 
Here is the reality. We could all stand to make some changes, but the majority of us just aren't going to do it. Why? Because it's hard, and most of the time life is hard enough, without adding more hoops to jump through. Sure we want to lose weight, save money, stop smoking/drinking/etc. and maybe we'll even make a valiant effort for a few weeks. But then we get busy with work or family, and those good intentions become one more thing we are forced to do that we just can't or simply don't want to do. 
So why do we even make New Year's Resolutions? Most people do it because it's the thing to do. Everyone else is doing it, so you jump on the bandwagon. But is that really a good reason to want to change? No, it's not. Change is difficult, and while we all might really want to make some changes, very few of us are truly ready or willing to make the sacrifices necessary to achieve it. Especially in January. You just survived the most stressful time of the year, do you really want to reward yourself by adding new stresses? It's winter, many of us are cold and depressed, and that cookie or glass of wine might be the only thing keeping us from losing our damn minds.
So I'm going to save us all a lot of hassle and say that there is really only one REAL worthwhile resolution to make this year. Drumroll please....

Be better.

Yup, that's it. Whatever changes you want to make, whatever goals you set, however big or small, the only thing that really matters is to be better versions of ourselves. To never stop growing and changing, to try new things and discover new joys. To accept that while there are some things we can't change, there are many more things that ARE within our control. Be a better friend, a better spouse, a better employee, a better human. 
Maybe you will lose all that excess weight and look great in a bikini, but if all you can do is change a few bad habits, and stop hating yourself... isn't that still better? Making big and difficult resolutions is merely setting ourselves up for failure, but if we simply try to be better, we are much more likely to succeed. A mountain is climbed one step up at a time, not in one giant leap. 
Here's to 2015.... may it be a better year for everyone. 

My Christmas Wish...

I want to feel something. Anything. I want to be awed by the lights, I want to be moved by the music, and I'd give anything to feel joyous. But I don't. 

I used to love Christmas. I used to spend days making the house festive and beautiful. I would worry about finding the perfect gifts, and make sure they were wrapped just so. I would play and sing carols for weeks, never tiring of them. I would read 'The Night Before Christmas' to our son, and when he grew older, I would listen to him read it to his younger cousins. 

When Zach hit his teenage years, the magic changed. He no longer believed in Santa, he didn't rush out of bed Christmas morning to tear into his gifts. But we still celebrated, and we still honored our traditions. We made holiday crafts, we watched movies, and we stuffed ourselves full of junk food and candy. I loved it. Though part of me longed for the days of innocence and wonder back. So I would dream of someday seeing our grandchildren's eyes light up with pure happiness at the lights on the tree. Of hearing them squeal in delight as they tore into their stockings and presents. Of seeing Zach watch them with the same pride and joy we had watching him. That's the way it's supposed to go. And I'd mistakenly believed that we would get to experience that. 

Then we lost Zach.  And with him, the magic died as well...

We don't celebrate Christmas anymore. I don't decorate, I don't listen to carols, I haven't even bought a single gift. People joke and call me Mrs. Scrooge, or say "Don't be such a bah-humbug!" and I feign a laugh, knowing that they'll never really understand why I feel the way I do. I scroll past their happy family photos around the tree, and my chest hurts, my eyes burn with barely contained tears. I read their cheerful posts, and I want to be happy for them. I AM happy for them, but I'm also jealous. And angry. I want my family back. I want my future back. I want all the things you're promised in life, that you take for granted. 

I wanted to have my son bring home girlfriends for Christmas, so I could try to embarrass him by telling them stories of him growing up. I wanted to help him pick out the perfect gifts when he finally found that one special girl. I wanted to surprise him and his new wife on their first Christmas with all the ornaments I had bought and made for him each year of his life, and then give them their first one together. I wanted to be the world's best grandma, and have our home filled with the laughter of grandchildren on Christmas morning. I wanted a happy, normal life. 

But I guess that was too much to wish for.... 

What Offends Me

I'll be honest, I'm not G rated. I'm an adult, so luckily I don't have to be. I don't take offense to cuss words, nudity, and adult humor. My idea of what's inappropriate is most likely vastly different from someone less.... well let's say... outspoken. 
I do have tact, and a moral code. I'm not an animal. I know that there's a time and a place for certain things. But, I also have a sense of humor. I know how to take a joke, and I am far from easily offended. 
So it never ceases to amaze me when other adults take offense to something that wouldn't even cause a blip on my Inappropriate Radar. 
You want to know what DOES make my Offense Spidey Sense tingle? I'll tell you. Here is a list:

Ignorance:
I loathe ignorance of all kinds. Racism, sexism, prejudice, and the like. Those things offend the hell out of me. I have never in my life judged someone by anything other than how they treat others. I don't care what God you worship, what color your skin is, who you want to have sex with, or how fat your momma is. If you are cool to me, I'll be cool to you. Period. 

Hurting Children:
Let's make something real clear. It is NEVER ok to hurt a child. Now, I'm not talking about light discipline. If you want to spank your kid when they misbehave, go ahead. But within reason. And never in anger.
But these people who molest, abuse, and murder kids.... fuck that. Eye for an eye in those situations. When I see images of bloody and bruised kids, I take major offense.

Fear Mongering:
Basically, I take offense to most types of media, because nowadays, this is all that they do. They play on our emotions, and feed our fears and insecurities. When people allow fear based media to override their common sense, I take issue with that. How many times a day do you see articles and "news" stories shared on social media? I'm guessing a lot. How often do you research those stories before you hit the share button? I'm guessing not often. When you do that, you are perpetuating the fear mongering. That bothers me. 

People Who Try to Control Others:
Remember when I said I hate ignorance? This falls into that category as well. When I see people trying to tell other people what to believe or how to feel, that pisses me off. If you aren't gay, you have no business trying to tell someone who is how they should act or feel. If you are religious, you have no right trying to force those beliefs on others. Just because you are wealthy, doesn't mean you should be treated better or have more say than someone who is poor. Live your life, be happy, and allow others the same courtesy. 

Bad Drivers:
Yes, I am offended by poor driving skills. And not just because it is annoying, but because it is dangerous. People have become so complacent behind the wheel, they've forgotten that they are in control of a potentially deadly machine. Distracted driving, drunk driving, and general lack of respect create a situation ripe for disaster. I can't tell you how many times a day I see people narrowly escaping an accident. This shit has to stop. People need to get their heads out of their asses and pay attention. 

Terrible Music & Television:
What happened to quality entertainment? Songs with stories and meaning, not just a catchy chorus and one repetitive beat. And don't even get me started on TV. It's one garbage show after another. Reality TV? Seriously, whose reality is that? Not mine, or anyone that I know. I miss music that moved you. Gave you goosebumps, and inspired you. I yearn for the days of television shows that you could really relate to. Shows that made you think, made you laugh, made you cry. So yes, I'm offended by today's entertainment industry as a whole. It's complete crap. 

That's just about it I think. I'm sure there are a few others, but these are the biggies. The ones that will instantly raise my hackles. Everything else is just not worth getting worked up over. Life is too short to be so sensitive. Take a joke, learn to laugh, and quit getting your panties all twisted over stuff that has no impact on you whatsoever. 

The Great Pot Debate

This is a subject that I have tried to stay out of for the most part. But with all the media attention lately, I feel compelled to share my personal views on the matter. 

The legalization of marijuana seems to be a very touchy subject for many. And most people fall very clearly to one side of the debate or the other, and don't seem open to changing their minds on the matter anytime soon. And while I think it is absolutely insane that pot is still illegal, that's not what this post is going to focus on. Instead I want to try and move past the stigmas associated with people who use marijuana. 

I know many people who either smoke or imbibe weed in some form or another, and contrary to stereotypes, these folks are nothing like Cheech and Chong. These are normal everyday people. They have jobs, raise families, drive nice cars, live in clean homes, are educated and intelligent individuals. Do I also know some stereotypical stoners? Yes. But they are by far the minority. Most people that use marijuana are no different than anyone else. Many of them are good Christians even. (Shock and awe!!) 

Pot is first and foremost a plant. It grows naturally and has many wonderful uses, aside from the bud itself. Hemp is an amazing material and can be used for everything from clothing and textiles, to fuel, biodegradable plastics, health foods and so much more. But the benefits of marijuana go so far beyond those things. Scientists and doctors have long understood the amazing things that pot is capable of. The healing abilities for wide ranges of medical issues is something we have barely even begun to tap into. 

Some of the most common uses are for things like nausea, vomiting, anorexia, movement disorders, epilepsy, glaucoma, pain reduction, asthma, inflammation, autoimmune diseases, mental disorders, and many many more. 

But because of legal issues, and the stigma involved, many people are hesitant or altogether against trying it. This is a shame to me. Pot is as organic a medicine as you could ever find, yet people would still rather fill their bodies with harsh chemicals and legal poisons than risk the side eye and judgment that comes with being a marijuana user. 

This needs to stop. People who use marijuana, whether for medical reasons or recreationally, are not drug addicts and dangerous criminals. 

Why are we so quick to judge someone who comes home from work and hits a joint in order to de-stress and relax? How are they any different from someone who comes home to a glass or two of wine? Why is it perfectly acceptable to pop a heavy duty pain killer for a head or backache, but frowned upon to turn to a plant? People who go out on the weekends and get drunk are just having a good time, but hit a bong once or twice and you're suddenly a bad person. I truly don't understand it. It has been proven time and again that alcohol is far more dangerous than marijuana, yet because it is legal, people think it is better. We have created a society that shames people who smoke weed, but very nearly encourages alcohol abuse. Call me crazy, but I will take a "stoner" over a drunk any day of the week. 

Marijuana relaxes your muscles, calms and quiets your mind, and can help you sleep just as well, if not better than alcohol. But you don't lose control of yourself (or your bodily functions) and there's no ugly hangover. 

To quote Peter Griffin "WHY ARE WE NOT FUNDING THIS!?" 

It's time we stop categorizing marijuana the same way we do cocaine, meth, and heroine. And we have to stop thinking that everyone who uses pot is somehow a criminal or a bad person. I bet if people were truly honest about it, you would be shocked by how many people you probably know who regularly smoke it. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, ministers, artists, musicians, scientists, etc. Your neighbors, fellow church members, and friends. It is not the evil monster that society has tried to make it. And the sooner we change that attitude, the better off we will be. Everyday, studies are being done that find more and more benefits of marijuana. Hidden inside that plant could be cures for deadly diseases, and countless ways to increase quality of life for so many. Don't we want that for ourselves? I sure do...
I encourage everyone to educate themselves on the realities of marijuana. Know what it is, how it effects the mind and body, and don't just blindly follow along with the ignorance. Pot isn't the boogeyman in your closet, or the elephant in the room. It's time we start talking openly and honestly about it, and treat it for what it is. An amazingly versatile and useful plant. Period.

Apologies

Hello readers,

You may be noticing that several images are missing from my posts. Not sure exactly the cause of this, but I am working as fast as I can to get it fixed. Thank you for your patience. 

-Teena

Untitled Short Story: Part 3

Chapter 3: The Awakening 

It's dark out, and there is a thick fog that covers everything in a blanket of white haze, making it difficult to discern where I am. I stop and try to get my bearings, but I have no clue how I got here or where here even is. It appears to be some kind of a garden, but I can't seem to identify any of the plant life. Must be some weird tropical flora. Whatever they are, they smell amazing, and I'm wondering if Yankee Candle sells this fragrance. If not, they really should. 
I can feel gravel under my feet, so I assume I am on a path of some sort. I continue forward, squinting to make out any shapes or markers that might help me gauge where I am. There is movement to my left.  "Hello?" I say, swinging around. "Is there someone here?" I can't see anything moving now, so I assume the fog is playing tricks with my mind. Suddenly a light appears ahead, not too bright, but surprisingly clear through the haze. I follow it without question. 
I trail the light through what appears to be a maze. A few times I could have sworn the path ended, and once I nearly face planted into a stone wall, but at the last moment, the light made a sharp right turn down a narrow aisle that I never would have seen. 
After what felt like hours of weaving and winding through corridors, the light passed through a small opening in the wall and disappeared. I stopped, realizing that I had been blindly following a floating light, and now I was utterly lost. The path dead ended at the wall, and the tiny crevice the light went through wasn't even big enough for my arm to fit in. I turned, looking for another way around, and found myself in a stone circle. No path in or out. "What the...?" I blurted out. "Hey! Where did you go? Hello, Mr. Floaty Light? Wanna help a sister out, please?" I had no idea who I was talking to, but panic was setting in, and if I didn't figure out how to get out of here very soon, I was going to freak out. Ok, Brooklynne... think. You got in here somehow, you MUST be able to get out. Maybe there's a hidden door. My inner monologue calmed me a bit, and I started pressing on the walls around me, hoping for some kind of opening to appear. My eyes kept going back to the small hole that the light had disappeared through. It was barely noticeable, and if I hadn't seen the light pass into it, I would have missed it altogether. I pressed my face to the wall, and looked into the hole. I couldn't see a thing. Wherever it lead to, it was very dark. But this was my only hope. Maybe the stones around the hole had been loosened, and I could somehow create a larger opening that I could squeeze through. Putting my hand against the stones around the tiny cavity, I used all the strength I had and pushed. Nothing happened. "Well shit." I panted. "Note to self, join a gym, and start lifting weights." 
Opting to try a different method, I stuck may hand into the hole to pull from the outside. But as soon as my hand crossed through the break, a vivid light filled the crack, nearly blinding me. "Holy crackers!" I shrieked, yanking my hand back. And as soon as my hand was out of the hole, the light disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. "Ok, not cool Mr. Floaty Light. Enough messing around! Come back here and show me how to get out of this cave, dammit!" 
The light didn't come back. I'm not really sure I was expecting it to, but I figured it was worth a shot. 
Making my way back to the hole, I tried to look inside again. Nothing but pure darkness. Very slowly, I placed my hand inside the hole, and as it crossed through, the light was back. This time I didn't pull back, but instead attempted to use the light to see past my hand into the space beyond. Before I could even press my face to the opening, my hand and arm started to tingle and the light became so bright, I had to cover my eyes for fear of going blind. The tingling sensation spread quickly down my arm, and through my body as the light grew even brighter still. Then just as quickly as it began, the tingling stopped, and the light faded. And I found myself standing in a forest clearing, with my back to a stone wall, staring out at a view that would rival a Bob Ross painting. "Wow." I breathed. It was all I could manage. 
"Wait. What the bloody hell...? How did I get here?"
"It's a magic opening, and you needed to figure it out for yourself. Sorry about that." came a voice from my left.
I spun around so quickly, I nearly made myself dizzy, and I found myself looking at the most gorgeous female I had ever laid eyes on. 
Skin the color of caramel, and hair that looked like it had been made from the finest silk, in a shade that rivaled the most beautiful fuchsia flower I had ever seen. But it was her eyes that stopped me in my tracks. They were magnificent. Big, with the perfect cat like shape, with lashes for days. And the color... I'd never seen anything like it before. It seemed to swirl and change, like a kaleidoscope as I stared open mouthed. "Your eyes...." I whispered. 
"Do they bother you? I can make them a solid color if you prefer." her voice was like music. A soft, lilting accent played on her words, but I couldn't identify its origin. 
"No, they don't bother me. They just took me by surprise is all. Actually, YOU took me by surprise. Where the heck am I? And who are you?"
"I am Alastrina. And this.." she said, gesturing to the space around her "is the Isle of the Diaga." 
"I've never heard of it. Is it in the Upper Peninsula or something? I'm not too familiar with towns there." 
Alastrina giggled "Not exactly, Brooklynne. The Isle of the Diaga is not in any specific place. It's everywhere and nowhere."
"Huh?" Was all that came out. "And how did you know my name?"
"I know a great deal about you, actually. But more about that later. First, you need to understand a few things." She took my arm, and began walking towards a lake in the distance. 
"We don't have much time, Brooklynne, so I need you to pay very close attention. Your world is in grave danger, and you are one of the few who can help save it. You have powers inside of you, and I am going to help you unlock them."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?!" I pulled my arm from her grasp, and took a step back. "What are you talking about? And how did I get here? You said something about a magic opening, and now you're talking about unlocking powers. Are you on crack?"
Alastrina sighed. "I know it is a lot to take in, but you need to trust me. I'm here to help you."
"Help me what exactly?" I asked.
"Save mankind." She replied, very matter of factly. "Now, we are almost out of time for tonight, you wasted too much getting through the opening. So listen carefully. You'll need to find your way back here each night, so that I can teach you what you'll need to know. Do you remember how you got here?"
"Umm... maybe. I'm not sure." 
"Start at the gazebo." Alastrina said. "Once you cross through, follow the light through the Garden of Wonder, and remember not to waste time at the stone wall. The opening is magic. Just put your arm through and your powers will do the rest. I will meet you here, and your lessons will begin. Speak of this to no one. Do you understand?"
"NO!" I shouted. "I don't understand a God damn thing that's happening! I don't know who you are, or what the hell you're talking about." 
"Give it time, Brooklynne. I promise it will all make sense. Now you must return." She placed her palm into mine, and there was a blinding flash of light. 
"Brooke! Hello!! Are you with me?" Darla was shaking me. 
"D? What are you doing here?" I said, rubbing my eyes.
"I would ask you the same thing. I went to pick you up from The Crappy Cup, and Jacks said you left early. I was headed back to the apartment, when I passed you standing in this empty lot, staring off into space. Are you high?" 
"I hope so." I mumbled under my breath, looking around and trying to get my bearings back. "Wait, what happened to you this morning? You were supposed to be back with my car, and I had to walk to work in the rain, and wearing THIS monstrosity!" I opened my jacket, and pointed to my pathetic excuse for an outfit.
"Yeah, sorry about that. I met a really hot guy at the laundry mat, and I lost track of time. His name is Dale, and he's an assistant at a law firm. He has these amazing green eyes, and he...." At the mention of amazing eyes, Darla's voice faded into the background, as I tried to wrap my head around what just happened. Did I doze off? WAS I high? I don't remember smoking anything. "Speak of this to no one." Alastrina's words echoed in my mind, as D took my arm and led me to the car and continued to ramble on about the laundry mat hottie. 

Dear Santa...

Yes, I am a full grown woman. No, that does not mean I am not allowed to write a Christmas wish list to Mr. Fat and Happy of the great white north. 
There is a lot of really cool shit out there, and currently none of it is in my budget. But that shouldn't stop a gal from dreaming, should it? And if I'm really good (ok, LESS naughty than usual) maybe at the bare minimum I'll find some Skittles and a 6 pack of Shiner in my stocking... 
But without further adieu, here is a list of 10 super kick ass things that would totally complete my life. Or at the very least make me pretty damn happy...

1. These fabulous, Barbie dream car looking, pimp as a mo-fo Sparco wheels, that would look swag-tastic on my Subaru wagon. 

2. The softest, most incredible throw I've ever touched in my life. Seriously... I want to make sweet, sweet love to this thing, and give birth to litters of its luxurious babies. Red, please. 

(Restoration Hardware is home interior Heaven)

3. This amazing, gigantic, ridiculous bean bag chair that will wrap me in its loving embrace while I lose myself in fantasy fiction and white cheddar popcorn. 

4. This pair of magical, wondrous, how have I lived without them, gnome heels, that I would wear with literally everything. (Size 7 should be perfect)

5. Vintage, hard cover, complete with original images, copies of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. 

6. These sexy, sensual, make me feel like Catwoman at her second job as a high class exotic dancer, over the knee, Christian Louboutin black boots. 

7. This showerhead that makes you feel like you are washing your ass in the middle of a rave. Where's my glowstick and Ecstasy to make this the ultimate bathroom experience?

8. This Bob Ross clothespin doll that makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over. 

9. This strawberry dress that I would never, ever take off, because it makes me feel so BERRY pretty in it. 

10. This perfect addition to my gnome collection that I would totally name Nighthawk, and take out into the garage to do karate with me. 

10 Things That Make Me Feel Violent

You know those moments, when suddenly something happens, and you feel your inner Hulk start rising to the surface? Those offenses that don't just annoy or irritate you, but make you question if your spork could be used as a deadly weapon. Yeah, we all have them. 
Here is a list of 10 things that make me feel murderish...

1. When grown ass people say birfday, libary, pacific (instead of specific) Valentime's Day, and I seen.

2. When people pull out directly in front of me, forcing me to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting them, and then go insanely slow. And there was NO ONE behind me. 

3. The sounds of people chewing, or just general mouth noises. 

4. The word 'Moist'. (cringe)

5. When I see people throw garbage out of their cars while driving. 

6. When I see/hear kids behaving terribly in public, affecting people around them, and the parents act totally oblivious. 

7. When people post/repost things to social media without doing proper research first. 

8. The song "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. 

9. When I'm watching my favorite show, and it gets interrupted by Breaking News about something that isn't breaking or newsworthy, and I end up missing crucial plot twists. 

10. When you are actually trying to do something important on your phone/tablet/computer, and it picks that time to work like total balls. 

Untitled Short Story: Part 2

Chapter 2: How it Began..

"Is it seriously still raining?" I asked aloud. Marley the cat rolled his head in my direction, and opened one green eye. I stared at him for a moment, expecting a response. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed when I didn't get one. 
The clock showed 9:15 am, which meant if I didn't leave now, I would officially be late to the Crappy Cup. And I was still in my pajamas. This day had not started out on the right foot. 
"Dammit, Darla. You knew I needed to work this morning, where the hell are you?"
My roommate and best friend, Darla, had decided that she needed to leave at the crack of dawn to run errands, which included not only the use of my car, but it was also her turn to do laundry, which meant that I was left with slim pickings in the clothing department. 
Refusing to wait any longer, and having to risk dealing with a lecture from Handsy, I stomped off to my room in search of something that resembled a suitable outfit. 
Five minutes later, I emerged in my worst nightmare. Black yoga pants, and one of D's Disney princess t-shirts. Not only was it a crime against the universe to wear yoga pants to anything but yoga, but to be an adult in a child's extra large, pink and purple sparkly Cinderella shirt was just torture. Maybe I should just call in sick. I mean, I WAS starting to feel nausceous all of a sudden. But I needed the money. My bank account was in the single digits, and my Subaru was in desperate need of new tires. 
"D, you are so going to pay for this." I mumbled to myself as I grabbed my jacket, tote bag, purse and umbrella and ran out the door. 
The Happy Cup was only a few miles from our apartment, and not a bad walk on a nice day, but it was pouring down rain, and I was miserably out of shape. I considered taking D's Vespa, but figured my outfit was already pushing the limits of my sanity, and being seen on a hot pink scooter with matching helmet was just more than I could take. Therapy just wasn't in my budget at the moment. 
So I sucked it up, and took off at a brisk pace. I was already late, but figured the sooner I arrived and explained the situation, the better Andy might take it. As much as I hated it, I needed this job, and let's be  honest, I wasn't exactly irreplaceable.
About halfway to work, soaked to the bone, and contemplating all the ways Darla was going to pay, something caught my attention. There was a park I hadn't noticed before. Just a small one, no playground equipment, more of a garden. I slowed my pace and found myself suddenly mesmerized by the incredible beauty of it. Massive trees that had to be nearly ancient surrounded a small clearing. In the center of that clearing was an ornate wooden gazebo. Without even realizing it, I made my way towards it to get a closer look. The detail work was beyond impressive, and it looked very old. How had I never noticed this before? I passed it twice a day. It must be new. But nothing here looked new. As a matter of fact, it looked older than anything I had ever seen. The designs in the wood on the gazebo reminded me of Celtic knot work, or something from The Lord of the Rings. Stunning, and obviously hand carved. I ran my hand across the pattern, and could have sworn I felt something akin to electricity run up my arm. I pulled my hand back, and looked around for an explanation. But there was nothing. No lights, nothing that even required power. And it felt warm to the touch. Even though there was no sun to speak of, and it had been raining for two days. 
I was snapped out of my zombie like daydream by the vibrating and ringing of my phone in my pocket. Natasha Bedingfield's Pocketful of Sunshine made me groan, since it was the ringtone I had set for when work called me. "Shit." was all I could say. Hitting answer, I tried my best to sound apologetic "Hi Andy, I swear I'm on my way. Darla took my car this morning, so I had to walk, and I'm almost there." I spit out, hoping he'd take pity on me and be sympathetic. 
"Not to worry, Brookster, Andy called in sick this morning, so I'm covering his shift. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. It's dead in here, so don't stress." I had never been so relieved to hear Jackson's voice. "Oh thank God! Have I told you how much I love you, Jacks?" 
Jackson's deep chuckle filled my ears, "Yeah, yeah... so you say. But I have yet to see any proof of that." 
"You will, I swear. I will totally be on bathroom duty for the rest of this week." I promised. "I'll take it. Now get your ass here, so I can fill you in on the latest Handsy gossip." Jackson said before hanging up. 
Laughing, I put my phone back in my pocket. Turning to go, I swore I caught movement from inside the gazebo out of the corner of my eye. Spinning around, expecting to see someone there, I was surprised to find it empty, and I was still alone inside the park. Shaking my head, I left the clearing, and headed back towards work. I couldn't help but notice that it felt noticeably cooler once I got past the tree line, and I was overwhelmed with what I could only describe as a feeling of homesickness. "I am losing my damn mind." I said, and took off at a jog for the Happy Cup. 
Twenty minutes later, I finally made it to work. Taking off my jacket, and reaching for an apron, I caught Jackson's open mouth stare. "Do not say a word. I know I look ridiculous, but Darla took all the laundry this morning, and it was either this or my Halloween costume from last year." 
"I might have gone with the costume." Jackson responded, tossing me a rag. 
"I'll keep that in mind for next time." 
I started wiping down the counters, while Jackson filled me in on the latest and greatest Handsy Andy stories. But I was barely listening. I couldn't get my mind off of the park, and that beautiful gazebo. "Hey Jacks, when did they put in that park on the corner of Clover Street?"
Jackson turned to me with a strange look "What park? There's no park on Clover." 
"I guess it's not so much a park, as a garden, but it has these huge trees, and a gorgeous wooden gazebo in the center. On the corner of Clover and Stone. I never noticed it before, so I figured it must be new."
"Brooke, there is no park, no garden, and certainly no gazebo on Clover Street. I jog up and down Clover every evening, and there is nothing but an empty lot at that intersection." 
At this point, Jackson was looking at me like I'd lost my mind, and I was starting to wonder if I had. 
"You must be getting confused, and thinking of the park on Grable." he offered. 
"Yeah, that must be it." But I knew I wasn't confused. And Grable Avenue was on the other side of town... 

To be continued... 
(Stay tuned for Part 3 of the story.)

Untitled Short Story: Part 1

Prologue

"Wake up! Wake up!" My roommate Darla's higher than usual voice interrupts my dream of lying naked on the beach with Paul Walker.
"For the love of all that's holy, Brooklynne, WAKE YOUR ASS UP!"
Darla's words were punctuated by her jumping on top of me and shaking the crap out of my sleep mushed brain.
"Darla, seriously, what is your issue? And this better not be another pigeon based emergency either. I already told you, you are on your own with the bird CPR. It's just nasty."
"This is bigger than that, Brooke. This is like The. Biggest. Thing. Ever! Now get your ass up already!"
(At least I think that was what she said. I'd need to confer with a dog to be sure, being that it was in a pitch only they could hear.)
"Sweetie, I'd love to get up, but there's one small problem. You have to get off me first."
"Oh. Yeah, sorry. Just hurry, please."
After Darla gracefully removed herself from my bed, I not so gracefully grunted, groaned and eventually removed myself as well.
"What is going on? I haven't seen you this excited since you discovered the Pink Floyd/Wizard of Oz correlation." I asked while attempting to rearrange my night shirt for maximum coverage. I wasn't big, but I wasn't exactly dainty either. My mother liked to refer to it as "shapely", but I preferred "healthy". That's not to say that I didn't have a love/hate relationship with Taco Bell, because I did. I loved it, my thighs hated me for it.
As I dug around the floor for a remotely clean pair of shorts to throw on (Note to self: do laundry or buy new undies. TODAY.) Darla kept popping in and out of the room like a chihuahua on crack.
"Darla, you are making me dizzy. Please just tell me what is going on."
Grabbing my hand and nearly dragging me into the living room, she said "I'll do you one better. I'll show you. Look." and pointed to the TV.
Please let it be porn, I thought. But it wasn't. Not even close.
What I saw on the TV that morning changed the course of my life forever. I know, I know, how trite. But it's true. You know how people can remember even the most mundane details of what they were wearing, eating or doing during a life changing event? It was like that.
I was wearing my ex boyfriend's Detroit Lions t-shirt and a pair of black running shorts. (And by running shorts, I mean I've worn them while making a mad dash to the kitchen for snacks before the commercial break ended.) I was eating one of Darla's homemade bran muffins, that she must have snuck into my hand somehow (She's like the bran muffin ninja. Good thing I was wearing my running shorts, in case I needed to hit the bathroom in a jiffy.) and I was sitting on our blue corduroy sofa, staring at the television with eyes the size of plates and my chin in my lap. Also known as my 'I'm looking at a half naked Vin Diesel pic' face.
And no offense to Mr. Diesel, but this was even bigger than that. (or so I'm willing to assume...)
But, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Before I tell you what Darla and I were looking at that fateful morning, let me start by telling you exactly how I arrived at that moment in my life.
Don't worry, I will tell you what we saw. Eventually....



Chapter 1: Brooklynne


"Excuse me, Miss. But I asked for no milk in this and judging by the color there is clearly milk in here. I realize this job must be oh so difficult, but if you could find the time in your busy schedule to remake this properly, I would greatly appreciate it."
Looking up from cleaning the poppy seeds out of the door track (try and contain your excitement) I made eye contact with the woman standing in front of the counter.
"Actually ma'am, you ordered a Caramel Macchiato, which is made with cream and milk, and I did not add the milk, but the coloring is the result of the cream. My job is quite easy, as long as the customers know what they are ordering, and I would gladly make you a new drink. At your expense of course. So what can I get ya?" I suppose adding the smug grin wasn't exactly necessary, but for the life of me I couldn't help myself.
After turning 8 shades of red (at least 6 of which matched her perfectly manicured nails) she picked up her beverage and stormed out. But not without muttering the perfunctory "I'll never come here again."
If only that were true. She came here at least 4 times a week and pulled the attitude each and every time. God, I loved my job.
After a quick check that the remaining customers, excuse me guests, (For the life of me, I will never understand that term. The word guest implies I invited you, and I clearly did not invite these caffeine slurping idiots into my life.) were all happy and not in need of anything, I went back to my poppy seed removal.
After restocking the muffins, bagels and assorted danishes and wiping down the counters for the millionth time in the last hour, I snuck a glance at the clock. "Is it seriously only 11:35?"
"And what time were you hoping it might be, sweet thing?"
Inner groan. I guess I asked that question aloud. Silly me.
"Oh, hi boss. Didn't hear you come in. How are you today?"
"Well I'd be better if my star employee didn't wear a constant frown and check the clock religiously." He replied.
Star employee. Insert fart noise here. My boss Andy (AKA Handsy Andy) was always spewing lines like this. He was the epitome of a coffee house douche bag and the owners of The Happy Cup thought he was the greatest thing since, well... coffee was invented. Those of us who worked for him thought differently. Underneath all the fake Burberry scarves  and knock off Gucci loafers, he was nothing more than a perverted jerk, who took any and all opportunities to brush up against his female employees. Rumor had it, he had brushed up against one of the males on the staff and didn't walk right for a week, but as far as I knew, that was just a rumor. A part of me (ok, all of me) hoped it was more than rumor, but since Andy was as tight lipped as he was tight assed, one would never know.
"Sorry, Andy. It's just been a rough morning. The main fridge went out again and I had to shift everything around, then the toaster quit toasting on one side, and we ran out of whipped cream. On top of that, the delightful Mrs. Arthur was just in, spreading her own brand of sunshine. So forgive me if I'm not grinning like an idiot and singing show tunes."
"No need to get testy, sweet thing. Papa Andy is here now and all will be right with the world. Do you need a hug, Brooke? I've been told I give great hugs." This was said with a wink, which only cranked the creep factor past 'horror movie' level right on to 'alone with the weird uncle' status.
"You know what, boss, I'll take your word on the hug thing. But now that you're here, do you mind if I take a quick break? I need to make a phone call."
"Just make it fast and if you hear the bell, you better be out here faster than bees on honey, got it?"
"Got it. Be right back."
Taking off my apron, and digging my phone out of my giant handbag, I dialed my roommate and best friend, Darla.
After way too many rings and a close call (no pun intended) with her voicemail, (Darla likes to listen to her ringtones.) She finally answered.
"Heya Brookie. You snuck outta here this morning pretty early, huh? How goes life at the Crappy Cup?"
I chuckled to myself at our little nickname for my place of employment before responding.
"Hey D. Yeah, I had to open this morning for Jackson. Apparently date number 3 went well with his new mystery woman, because he called last night and practically begged me to switch shifts with him. Being the sucker that I am, I said yes of course. Handsy just got here, so I gotta make this quick, but what are you doing later tonight?"
"Well I was planning on finishing knitting Marley's sweater but I suppose that could be put off if you've got something more exciting in mind." Marley was Darla's special needs cat (named for Bob Marley) who she loved torturing by making him little kitty outfits. Since he was mostly paralyzed and mute, and couldn't put up much of a fight, who knew if he hated it or loved it. My money said he hoped she made him a little kitty noose next, but Darla insisted the clothes made him happy. Far be it for me to argue. I couldn't keep a goldfish alive, so what the hell did I know?
"I'm not sure how exciting it is." I pointed out. "But since it's still in the 80's outside, I'm sure the sweater can wait. Besides, you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world, and I wouldn't trust anyone else with this very important mission."
Darla snorted, "Translation: Everyone else had plans and you don't want to do whatever this is alone. Spill it, Brooke."
Laughing, I said "Damn, D, you know me so well. Here's the deal, pet shop Paul asked me out again and I told him I already had dinner plans with a friend. He counter struck by saying he had an out of town friend staying with him for the weekend and they were planning on getting a bite to eat too, so why not eat together. Since it was 8:30 in the morning, and I hadn't had caffeine yet, my brain failed me and I couldn't come up with an excuse not to. Long story short, we are meeting them at The Den at 7. Oh and I love you."
"The Den? Oh they have the best steaks! Lucky for you, I haven't had my daily dose of face yet, so I'm in. I'll see you when you get home. Bring me a blueberry scone, will ya?" Darla was the definition of a hippie. She dressed in used and handmade clothes, drove a Vespa, complete with an "I hug trees." sticker, was a practicing Wiccan, rescued all living things and smoked a LOT of weed. But she refused to be a vegetarian. Her logic was that the meat industry wasn't changing its ways and those poor (and delicious) animals shouldn't die in vane. But she limited her animal (AKA face) intake to once a day when possible.
"Blueberry scone it is. I should be outta here by 3 at the latest, so I'll see ya then. Thanks, D. I owe you big."
"Yes you do, but I'll add it to the list. Good luck with Handsy Andy. Peace out."
Yes, she actually ends her phone calls that way. I wasn't lying about the hippie thing. But she's the most stable person I know and we had been living together for the last 3 years and I could always count on her. She was the sister I always wanted and the best friend a gal could ask for.
Sneaking another peek at the clock, which now read 11:45, (Gee I really knew how to kill time, huh?) I inhaled my lunch, hit the restroom, updated my Facebook status and got back to work.
The next few hours went by relatively quickly and pain free, thanks to Jackson coming in and filling me in on his date the night before. Turns out, he didn't get lucky, he got food poisoning instead. Poor guy. (Wait poor girl, eww.) But before I knew it, my shift was over and I was headed home. After a stop to fill up my ancient Subaru's gas tank, and grab some razors (Hey, better safe than hairy, right?) I was home. Ahhh home.
"Darla! I've got your scone and I bought razors. Where you at?"
Bouncing into the room, wearing what could only be described as a "very colorful" dress, Darla asked "Why razors?"
"Because we've been out for almost a week and even a hippie chick like you cannot pull off the European look, sugar." Cracking a smile and a beer, I tossed her the pack of razors. "Now get your ass in the shower, woman. We've got a date tonight." Ok, so maybe an evening with pet shop Paul and his weekend friend wasn't exactly something to write home about, but it was the most excitement either of us had seen in quite some time, so I was putting on my positive face.
"A date? Since when is Paul date material? And you never said anything about this being a date? I don't know anything about this friend of his. He could be a puppy killer for all we know!" Darla screeched.
Taking a drink of my beer and smiling to myself at Darla's ranting, I said "I'm certain he's not a puppy killer. He's friends with Paul, who owns a pet store and loves animals. And it's not really a date, it's just friends eating together."
"But you said date." Darla countered
"Slip of the tongue. Won't happen again, promise. Now will you please just go get ready?" I begged.
"Fine, but I'm wearing my granny panties, so if he thinks he's getting lucky, he's got another think coming." This was said with a flip of her crazy mane of red curls and a hand on her hip as she sauntered out of the kitchen.
Laughing, I told her "Duly noted. Maybe he'll be gay and you won't have to worry about a thing."
Ditching my bag in my room and peeling off my Happy Cup t-shirt, I wandered around the apartment sipping my beer. It wasn't the nicest place around, but it was homey. Darla was quite the crafter as it turned out and managed to make most of our Salvation Army finds look like items from a home magazine. The walls were all painted bright, vibrant colors (D said they inspired creativity.) and the furniture was a hodge podge of different styles but somehow it blended together quite well. Lots of healthy plants (of which I'm sure a few weren't legal in this state) filled the window sills  and corners, adding natural charm and character to the space. Marley slept on a lime green padded bench under the biggest window (Ok, the only window) in the place, soaking up the sunshine and enjoying his afternoon nap. Looking out the window, I took in the view below. We were on the fourth floor, so we had a decent view of the park across the street and into a few of the neighboring buildings windows. Not that we ever spied on anyone. Especially not the hottie on the third floor (Apt 310) who loved to do his workout half naked every morning at approximately 9 a.m. Nope, not us, we never peeped.
Wandering over to the sofa and flopping down, I sighed. This was my life, huh? I was 25,  worked at a coffee shop, drove a car that was older than me, shared a decent apartment with my best friend (ok, that part wasn't so bad) and had no man to speak of in my life. Eat your heart out Kim Kardashian. I looked across the room to the cabinet in the corner that contained my cameras and assorted equipment. They were all collecting dust instead of making my dreams come true. I suppose I couldn't exactly blame the inanimate objects themselves, could I?
Ever since Alec and I broke up, I felt like all my creative juices (and certain other generally damp areas) had all but dried up. When we had been together, it seemed like anything was possible. All my ideas were award winning and the world just seemed brighter. That was until I caught him underneath his co-worker, being ridden like a mechanical bull. Since that day (had it really been almost 2 years?) I haven't even picked up my camera or had a creative thought. Well unless you count all the creative ways I made Alec regret pissing off the wrong girl. Those were brilliant. But nothing since. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a filmmaker. In which case, I should really look for a new line of work. Being a 65 year old barista wasn't my long term goal. Not that I had many long term goals, but that definitely wasn't one of them.
Snapping myself out of my pity party, I decided I should find something halfway decent to wear out to dinner. Not that I wanted to impress Paul, but he was a nice guy, and the least I could do was put on a clean outfit. And maybe a little make-up, I was looking a bit green around the edges today.
After a quick shower and an even quicker shave (let's be honest, the guy owns a pet store, he's used to fuzzy things) I threw on a blue and yellow flowy skirt, courtesy of D, and a matching tank top. Combed out my hair, took a little extra time with my make-up, grabbed my bag and some sandals and was out the door.

Exactly 2 hours, 27 minutes and 12 seconds later, Darla and I were making our way home. I won't say it was the longest 2 hours, 27 minutes and 12 seconds of our lives, but it wasn't exactly the "Time flies when you're having fun." situation either.
"You owe me major for this crapfest of a night, Brooke."
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. But in all fairness, at least Paul's friend was nice." I replied.
"Nice?" Darla spat. "Did you say nice? 'Cause I think I heard you say nice. And yes, SHE was delightful, but contrary to popular belief, I am not a lesbian!" shouted Darla as she slammed her way into the apartment and flung her giant purse onto the sofa.
"D, I'm sorry, I really am. I honestly didn't know. But if it makes you feel any better, Paul may as well be a woman. All he talked about all night were puppies, kittens and his mother. Ugh! At least Kelsie was charming and funny."
In lieu of a response, Darla gave me an over the shoulder death look that I took to mean she wasn't quite ready to forgive me yet.
"And I shaved my legs for cripes sake!" She shouted from her bedroom.
Cringing, I picked up all the spilled contents of her purse and hung it up on the chair. D really hated to shave her legs. She's been known to go weeks in between trimmings (much to my utter disgust) and considers it a special occasion when she does. Tonight's "date" did not in fact, meet her special occasion requirements. Oh well... I tried.
Taking out two spoons and a pint of cookie dough ice cream, I made my way into her bedroom.
"D? I know I messed up, but I hope you still love me." I whispered, as I crept into the room ice cream first.
"That better not be fat free." she quipped.
Laughing, I flopped down on her mess of a bed and handed her a spoon. "It's full of fat and calories, I promise." I winked.

To be continued... 
(Part 2 coming soon)

What I Believe

If you know me at all, you most likely already know that I am not a religious person. 
I don't consider myself an Atheist necessarily, but I suppose I fit that definition better than probably anything else. 
I've never found comfort in religion, or the idea of God. I'm fascinated by it, and have studied many religions over the years, but it never struck a chord with me the way it seems to for so many. Much like with fairy tales and mythology, the stories are entertaining, and most carry some kind of a lesson in morality, which I can appreciate, but I've never taken them for anything more than that. 
If you've ever read classic fairy tales, such as Grimm's, you know that the original purpose was to frighten children in an attempt to control bad behavior. I view the Bible much the same way. Granted, it was written at a much earlier point in history, so the lessons derived from it are appropriate to that time and place. Now, that doesn't mean that there aren't still valuable lessons in the Bible. David and Goliath for example, teaches us that we can overcome our fears and our demons, and we can conquer even the biggest enemy with wisdom and determination. At least that's how I interpret the story. But the notion of believing these stories as fact.... well that baffles me. I don't want to poke fun, or upset anyone, but to me, believing that all of the stories in the Bible are real is just as silly as believing that vampires and werewolves are real. I think over time, in our fear to please God, we've taken the Bible and its lessons much too far, and much too literally. But that's a subject that I could carry on for a long, long time about.... 
In my experience, when you tell someone that you don't believe in God, you are most often met with shock and confusion. But how? How can you not believe? And it's quite simple really. I just don't. Do I believe that there are a plethora of things out in the universe that we simply do not understand? Yes. Do I believe that one of those things is a giant man in the clouds that watches us and controls us like pieces of a twisted game? No, I do not. Could there be a higher power out there? Sure. There could also be aliens. To be honest, I'm really hoping for the latter.
But I think the biggest misconception people have about the non religious is that we are somehow morally inept. That without some book or holy person guiding us, we must be utterly lost. Nothing could be further from the truth. I know many, many Atheists and secular people, and I can honestly tell you that they are some of the kindest, most giving, loving, positive, selfless, and wonderful people I have ever known. And they are this way because they choose to be. Not out of guilt, or for some golden ticket into the afterlife. Now that's not to say that if you ARE religious, you cannot be that way. Of course you can, and many are. But God and religion are not a requirement to be a good person. This is something I want to make VERY clear. A lack of belief in a God does not equate a lack in morals. I do not need to be told that it's bad to kill people, or to steal. I'm fully aware of that. And while my moral compass may not always point due north... I am not a bad or evil person. I'm human, I make mistakes. That's all part of living a genuine life. The idea that someone should never make bad decisions or "sin" is not an idea that I agree with. I think any life truly lived will be filled with mistakes and bad decisions. That's how we learn to make better choices. I don't think we should be made to feel guilty for that. 
So if I don't believe in God, what DO I believe in? 
I believe in myself. I believe that I am capable of making the right choices, and being a good person without being told how, by a book or anyone else. I believe in kindness, and the Golden Rule. I believe in love and respect for your fellow man, regardless of sex, race, religion, etc. I believe in honesty, and being true to yourself. I believe in compassion and understanding. I believe that sometimes the world is an ugly place, and there is no rhyme or reason for it, it just is. I believe that we are given a short time on this planet, and that we have to make the most of that time. 
I want to be clear on something... I am not saying that my way is right and yours is wrong. I am not saying that if you believe in God or practice a religion that you are a bad person. I am only telling you what I believe. And part of what I believe is that we are all entitled to our opinions. If your faith gives you comfort, hope, and peace of mind, then I am happy for you. I am not against religion. It just isn't for me. Plain and simple. I also don't like mushrooms or the color beige, but if you do, I don't hold that against you either....

(I suppose this sums it up. Lol)

My Crazy Thoughts....

This morning, I watched the film 'Silver Linings Playbook'. I really enjoyed it. It was a very thought provoking movie to say the least. And it was very relatable. At least for me. 
The movie addresses not just the issues facing the two main characters, but the fact that everyone is dealing with their own demons. No matter how "normal" and sane one may seem on the outside, we have no idea what they are dealing with internally. 
Whether you're just quirky and eccentric, or your problems are more deep rooted, we all struggle with something. Life hands us each a different set of circumstances, and we are forced to deal with them the best we can.
Since losing our son, I have felt like I am in a constant battle for my sanity. From dark thoughts and depression, to emotional roller coasters that I would give anything to get off of. Sometimes the pain and anger get the better of me, and I react in ways I normally wouldn't. Grief takes its toll on every aspect of your being. You become a passenger in your own life. No longer fully in control of your reactions and emotions.
That fucking sucks. I have always prided myself on my ability to control my feelings. Since Zach's accident, that control is fickle at best, and that makes me feel crazy. 
People often want to suggest medications or therapy. And while I do believe that those things can be beneficial for some, they are not options for me. 
The reality is, that life is going to beat you down. Sometimes, you will be forced to carry burdens far beyond what you thought you were capable of carrying. How you deal with those burdens will be what define your life. 
The challenges, the struggles, the hardships.... those are what make or break you. 
I'm not an optimist. I don't always see the silver linings. I have never viewed the world through rose colored glasses. Pouring glitter over a pile of shit doesn't make it any less of a pile of shit. Yes, it may be prettier, but it still stinks. I'm a realist. I see the world for what it is, and I do the best I can with the hand that I'm dealt. 
I don't know the meaning of normal anymore. Hell, I'm not sure I ever did. And you know what? That's ok. There's no such thing as normal. We are all crazy. We're just different kinds of crazy.