And The Award Goes To...

I think I was part of a very small number of people who didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. Nor did I watch the Grammy's, Golden Globes, etc. I don't like awards shows. They hold no appeal for me. I am disgusted with today's Hollywood and what equates celebrity status these days. Fame used to mean something. It meant you had talent, grace, poise and character. Yes, of course there were some exceptions, but they were few. These days all it takes to be famous is a sex tape, a crotch shot, a bad break up or sleeping with the right (or wrong) people. Movies are pumped out faster than I can keep up, and the vast majority of them are downright awful. True creativity has gone the way of the true celebrity. I am thoroughly unimpressed with all of it. 
The golden age of Hollywood is long gone. Most of today's youth will never know real talent. When actresses like Kristen Stewart are winning awards, you know things have gone sour. 
Awards shows, especially the Oscars, used to be reserved for the best of the best. For actors like Sidney Poitier, Grace Kelly, Elizabeth Taylor, etc. For movies that could do more than move you to tears. They ripped your heart out and stomped on it. If you've ever seen 'Sophie's Choice' and felt the raw anguish that Meryl Streep portrayed when her character has to choose which of her children should be killed, then you are familiar with true talent. I can't think of a single popular actress today who could even come close to filling her shoes. 
Movies used to be produced because they were good. They were funny, heart-warming, dramatic, intense and worth watching. These days, we are lucky if 1 out of every 20 movies that gets released is worth not only watching, but paying top dollar to see at the theater. Now all it takes to make a movie is enough money and connections. No talent, passion or creativity required. 
And along with everything else that has turned to crap in Hollywood and the television industry, awards shows have jumped on the bandwagon. Your product no longer has to be good to win awards. It just needs the right promotions. Get someone well known and respected to talk about it. Put your actors and music in every commercial, media spot and website you can find and... BRAVO, you win. It doesn't matter that your product was a complete flop, it only matters that you convinced the right people that it wasn't. And guess what?? The public falls for it. We start to question our own opinions and good taste. Well it won so many awards... maybe it really was good. 
And don't get me started on the sheer number of awards shows there are now. How can anyone keep up? So you weren't talented enough to win a Grammy? Oh, but you killed it on the Teen Choice Awards! *eye roll* Enough is enough. You make a gazillion dollars to play dress up and pretend, isn't that sufficient? Now you need to be gushed over and told how amazing you are not just once a year, but hundreds of times? It might be time for an ego check, folks. 
I think it's time for a real life awards show. The American Hero Awards, The Super Soldier Show, The Best of the Brave Honors... shall I continue? Everyday in America alone, there are millions of people just doing their jobs. Saving lives, risking life and limb, volunteering their precious time and doing amazing things. When do they get the accolades and standing ovations that they deserve? Instead they get pay cuts, job loss, more bills and less money. Yet they get up every single day and do what's right. They support their families, pay their taxes and help out their neighbors. No fancy outfits, borrowed diamonds or red carpet required. 
I think it's time for a reality check. I think it's time we stopped idolizing the wrong people, and start valuing quality again. I think it's time for celebrities to step up and set better examples, not just for their fans, but for themselves. I think we need to take a step back and get our priorities in order. I think it's time we teach our children that they can like the sports stars, rappers and actresses, but that they should be able to name at least as many scientists, soldiers, doctors and REAL people that they admire as well. Turn off the Grammy's and turn on The Nobel Peace prize awards. Watch at LEAST half as many educational shows as you do movies and reality shows. Honor the people in your lives who do great things. Have your kids make awards and pass them out to teachers, volunteers, firefighters, etc. Let's start putting some time and energy into things that really matter. 
Now before I wrap this up, let me just say that I'm not judging those of you who watch awards shows. If it entertains you, that's great. I have no problem with that. Even I get sucked in from time to time and watch for a few minutes. I am merely saying that I think we need to start investing some time for better things as well. I would like to see real heroes get as much attention as the Oscars and Grammy's.

Facebook Pros and Cons...

I want to do a little venting today, so please bear with me. 
I love facebook, I truly do. I have made amazing connections with people I would otherwise never have met, stayed connected to family that I don't have the luxury of seeing often and reconnected with old friends. I get to see photos of loved ones, learn new and interesting things, laugh at funny posts and kill time on a slow day. These are the perks. 
Now let me tell you what I loathe about facebook. 
*I hate when people feel the need to bombard their friends newsfeeds with overly opinionated posts. We get it, you like your guns and hate the president. Or you think everyone should eat organic, save the trees and breastfeed. Whatever your beliefs, is it REALLY necessary to share every single post and photo about it? I don't mind the occasional rant, hell, we all do it now and then. But the ones who do it constantly, non stop, all day, and then get mad when someone disagrees with them, really irritate me. Wake up, folks! You aren't the only one entitled to an opinion, so if you aren't big enough to respect someone else's, then keep yours to yourself. 
*I hate when people share every single picture/quote that they like. It's bad enough that facebook shows us what all of our friends like, but then you feel the need to share each one, it gets out of hand. Do you really believe that by sharing or liking something, you won't go to Hell, a puppy won't die and you'll win a million dollars? If you do, we need to have a little chat... 
*I hate the "begging for attention" posts. If you post open ended or non descriptive, generic statuses about being sad, lonely, fat, ugly, etc. you are clearly trying to get people to ask you what's wrong, or tell you how great you are. Save us the eye roll, and just say what's on your mind. Stop fishing for comments. While I'm on the subject, is it honestly necessary to post thousands of pics of yourself alone in your car or in your bathroom? You look exactly the same as you did yesterday. And if you are going to insist on doing it, maybe take a minute and put the lid down on the toilet or make your bed. 
*I hate the rotating relationship statuses. Maybe try dating for more than 15 minutes before deciding you are "in a relationship". And posting endless cheesy crap on each other's timelines for EVERYONE to see does not make us think you are the perfect couple. It makes us gag. If you love each other so much; call, text or private message it. Or better yet, get off facebook and go say it to their face. And if you are single, PLEASE stop complaining about it every single day. Just a hint, you look desperate, needy and pathetic. So unless you wish to remain eternally alone, maybe tone it down a notch. Let them figure out how crazy you are AFTER they date you...
*I hate the constant game requests. Let me clear something up for you, I am fully aware that those games exist. IF I wanted to play them, I would. I have refused every request you've ever sent me, so take the damn hint and knock it off. Or don't be surprised when I unfriend you. 
*I hate the drama llamas. (A term coined by my friend, Nicole F. *trademark pending*) If you don't want the whole world involved in your business, then stop posting it. It's ok to share, but some things can be kept private as well. I don't want or need to know every detail about your baby daddy/mama, your ex, your boss or anyone else. It's a public forum. If you think it isn't going to get back to that person, you are wrong. 
Now these are just some things that annoy me personally. You probably have your own lists. And before you go commenting, I am fully aware that from time to time, I may fall into one of these categories. We all do. If you think you don't, just ask me, I'll be happy to let you know. But I'm addressing the folks that do these things ALL THE TIME. Not once in awhile, but daily or hourly. If you aren't sure if this is you, take a second, go to your timeline and take a scroll....

The Road to Healing...

If you've ever lost a child, you know the incredible sense of hopelessness and emptiness that take over your world in the aftermath of their passing. I've talked before about the "black hole" of Grief and how it follows you around and becomes a part of everything you do. You begin to accept certain things as your new normal. You understand that even the happy moments will forever be tainted with the knowledge that they aren't a part of them, or the guilt that you are enjoying something that they cannot. And that is just the beginning. It is said that love and hate are the most powerful emotions, but in my opinion Grief trumps even them. Because Grief is a shadow emotion. It surrounds all other emotions. Whether it is overpowering them, or just hovering near the edges, it is ALWAYS there. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but there just the same. 
In the time since Zachary's passing, we have had our share of ups and downs. Bad days and easier days. Plenty of tears, and bits of laughter. But the Grief has been there. A constant shadow in our lives. Until this past Saturday. It was the first day in the over 6 months that Zach has been gone that I almost didn't notice its shadow. But let me back up a bit and explain...
I've told you before that we are a big car family. Team Finn, that's us. Well over the years, we had made plans for things that we wanted to do. Like most families do. One of the things that we had talked often about was Dan and Zach's dream of entering a rally together. They would build the car and race it. Dan as the driver, Zach as his co-driver. And me, well I was the team cheerleader. Since Zach was finally getting old enough to be able to do these things, this dream was finally starting to become a reality. Zach had just purchased his first Subaru. He barely had possession of it, but he and Dan already had a list of all the things they were going to do to it. They were so excited. I loved seeing them like that. All happy and silly. Father and son, doing what they loved together. Their dreams were FINALLY going to be a reality. 
And that was when our lives were changed forever. After the accident, dreams no longer mattered. Nothing did. Just breathing became a challenge most days. Without our son, we were lost. The path that had seemed so clear before, was now gone. We were wandering around without direction in a world that no longer mattered to us. Wake up, survive the day, go to sleep, and repeat. For 6 months, that was our only goal. Just to survive the next 24 hours. 
I knew something needed to change, and soon, or we were NEVER going to get out of this routine. And I also knew that if we didn't get out, we were going to eventually succumb to the "black hole" and in doing so, would be breaking the last promise I made to our son. The only problem was, I had no idea what to do. 
Then one night, we were sitting around watching TV and playing online and Dan was watching a video about a rally team that he had watched before, but I hadn't yet seen. We were familiar with the team, because prior to Zach's accident, we had planned on participating in a tribute they were having in honor of their friend. The tribute was a parade of Subarus, and the three of us thought it was such a touching and cool idea, we were all for it. Of course, after Zach's passing, we just couldn't do it. But Dan hadn't forgotten about this team. He had been so moved by the story before we lost Zachary, and now after, it seemed even more powerful. So we watched the video. It was about how they were carrying on in his memory and doing what he would've wanted. The Team was Noble Star Rally. They were honoring Matthew Noble Marker and the impact he had on their lives and continued to have, even in spirit. The things they said touched us so much. And while watching, Dan made the comment "If I was to ever get involved in rally, like Zach and I had wanted, I would love to do it with a team like this." In that moment, I knew what I had to do. It was like a light came on and cleared a path in my Grief for me to follow. So that same night, I found that team's page on facebook and sat down to write to them. I told them our story, and about the dreams that my husband and son had. I didn't know what to expect, if anything, but I knew I HAD to try. That this might be our only chance out of the darkness that was surrounding us. To my complete surprise, I received not just an answer, but one even better than I had hoped for. The team's driver, Amanda, responded. And in her response, moved me to tears. She wanted to help us. Over the next several days, she and I messaged back and forth, and she suggested that we come to a Rally X event and check it out and meet her and some of the team. I was beyond thrilled and touched that she was being so amazing. I told Dan about it, and he was floored. This was really happening. So he looked into the event, and to my amazement, decided to enter it. He was so excited. I knew right then that we were on the right path. I could feel our son smiling down on us. 
So we went to the Rally X event, not really knowing what to expect. We figured at best, it would be a fun distraction. Boy were we wrong. It was a blast. We spent the day laughing and joking and having a great time. We not only got to meet Amanda and Derrick, (and some of their friends) I swear we became instant friends with them, as well. They were even more awesome than we had imagined they would be. It was honestly the first time in the over 6 months since losing our son that we had a truly happy day. We felt Zach with us the entire time, and for once, Grief wasn't rearing its ugly head. Dan was smiling bigger and more than I can almost ever remember. We both knew without question that we had made the right decision. The road to healing was finally clear to us. So when Amanda offered us the chance to join her team and help out at the next event, there was absolutely no hesitation. 
Now, I am a big believer in signs, and since the very beginning there have been numerous signs that continue to reinforce what we already know, that this IS the right path. I know it will not always be an easy road, and just like in a rally, there will be unexpected bumps and turns along the way. But I also know that it will be rewarding and exciting, and that we will be making friends and memories that will last a lifetime. And that in doing so, we are honoring our son's memory and making good on our promise to him, and that is the most important thing. 
Right before leaving the event, I snapped this photo, and since orange and black were Zachary's favorite colors, I had no doubt this was his way of letting us know he was there, and that he approved. 

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. For some, this is exciting and you can't wait. For others, it is the worst day of the year. For me, it's just another day...
I've never quite understood all the hype about Valentine's Day. And I worked for Hallmark for over a decade. It's just a day. It is exactly as important or as meaningless as you make it. 
Me, I prefer the Valentine's Days of old. When we made mailboxes out of tissue and cereal boxes and passed out funny and silly cards with lollipops attached. Everyone was included and it was just fun. No pressure, no stress, just good times. 
Now, I see all my friends in relationships stressing out over the perfect gift or date, and couples fighting about how important it is or isn't. Husbands cramming into stores for last minute flowers and cards, and restaurant lines filled with people who, if they were to be completely honest, would rather be home eating pizza and watching TV. I don't get it. If you love your spouse, you probably tell them that fairly often, right? (If not, maybe you should start.) Is a romantic gesture really that much more special or important because it came on February 14th? If your husband brought you flowers on April 6th, would you be angry? No, you'd probably think he's the best. So why does it matter? If you have a partner who loves, supports, respects and cares for you, why is 1 day out of a year so important? And if that is the ONLY day that your significant other shows you they care, you may want to rethink your relationship. 
And don't get me started on my single friends...
People, it is just another day. Why get yourself all worked up and depressed over it? Does being single on February 14th differ that much from being single on February 17th? I mean, let's be honest, it really doesn't. If you didn't own a calender, and had no idea what the day was, would you even care? The answer is no. If you like chocolates and flowers THAT much, go buy yourself some. Or better yet, get together with other single friends and treat each other. We put enough pressure on ourselves every day of the year, is it really necessary to add a cheesy holiday? Being single isn't the best, I understand that. But it's also not the worst. Think of the reasons you are single. Didn't that last guy treat you like crap? So would you honestly rather be back in a bad relationship? If you said yes, you need more therapy than I am equipped to offer... 
The point is, Valentines' Day is just a day. It's no different than any other, unless you make it so. So stop giving it so much power over you. 
If you are in a good relationship, be grateful for it. 365 days a year, not just one. Surprise your partner with messages of love, or little treats on occasion, don't wait for the world to tell you to do it. I'll take spontaneous acts of love over demanded ones any day of the year. 
And if you are single. Treat yourself to a massage, or plan a girls night. Do something to remind yourself that being single isn't a curse, and it isn't permanent. Good things come to those who wait, so be patient, and be good to yourself. Or do what I do, and buy a pack of kids Valentines, and pass them out to your friends. Attach a flower, or a candy bar, and make someone's day.
Just don't let one day out of a year become so important that you overlook the other 364. Happy Valentine's Day, my friends. You are all special, wonderful and beautiful to me. 

Gift of Life??

Yesterday we received a letter in the mail from a recipient of one of our son's kidneys. A woman with children close to Zachary's age. It was a life saving procedure for her. She feels so blessed to have a second chance at life now. A chance to see her children graduate college, get married, have children of their own. 

When we made the decision to donate Zach's organs, this was exactly why. We wanted other people to have a chance to live. A chance to do things our son would no longer have the option of doing. We knew it was the right thing to do and we did it without question. Since that day, I haven't thought much about it. We've heard a few things from Gift of Life since then, but for the most part, I haven't allowed myself to focus on that part of our situation. Until yesterday...

Reading that letter, I expected to feel something. Anything. But I didn't. I wasn't sad. Or happy. Or relieved. I was just numb. I am grateful that this woman has a second chance at life. That her children will have their mother for (hopefully) many more years. But to be completely honest, I just don't care that much. I'm touched that she chose to write us and thank us, don't get me wrong, but I just don't feel like I hoped I would. I had hoped to feel some kind of peace at the idea that a part of our son lived on. I don't. Am I glad that he saved lives? Absolutely. But it isn't as though it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. In some ways it actually makes me angry. This woman, this stranger, will get to see her children do things that we will NEVER get to see our son do. And she gets to do it because of him. It just doesn't seem right. I know that is WHY we donated. It makes sense in my head, but just not in my heart. Does a piece of Zachary live on? Yes. But it isn't something I can see, or hold. It isn't a part of him that I can connect to. When we made the decision to donate, I kept thinking "I wonder who will get his heart." because to me, that was my lifeline. In my mind, there was this possibility that someday, just maybe, I would get to hear and feel my son's heartbeat again. That I could close my eyes and pretend for just a moment that my son was still here. But they couldn't use his heart. It had been damaged from being revived so many times. That news crushed a part of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to acknowledge. Until yesterday... 

I've read that letter over and over, hoping for some kind of reaction. I keep thinking it should have some emotional impact on me, but it hasn't. It's just an overwhelming numbness. She hopes to meet us someday. Right from the beginning I said that I was open to that, and I am. But I know now, that it can't be for awhile down the road. I am just not ready for that yet. I also know that I need to respond to her letter in some way. Gift of Life sends you guidelines to follow. They suggest what you should say, and list the things that aren't allowed. The letter goes to them first for them to "check" and then they pass it on. Logically, I know that this is for both parties protection, but it seems so cold. So stiff and arranged. It makes it hard to know what to say. I may have to give this some time, as well. I just don't know how I feel right now... 

Gift of Life sounds so profound. You are literally giving someone else life. But at what cost? Maybe gift is the wrong word. When I give someone a gift, I feel excitement. I can't wait to see their reaction. I feel nervous. I hope they like it as much as I hoped they would. And I feel warm. It's a good feeling to give a gift. I certainly don't feel any of those things in this case. People keep telling us we did such an amazing thing, and how we should be so proud of ourselves for doing that. I don't get it. We did the logical thing. It just made sense to do it. And if it saved even one more person from feeling what we were feeling, it was the right decision. But we still lost our son. That fact didn't change. Giving away pieces of him doesn't make our loss any easier, or ease the endless ache we feel. Donating organs saves lives. That is a fact. But those lives were saved because our son lost his. This is a very unbalanced scale for me. I would easily trade any of those lives to have my son back. Does this make me a bad person? 

This is the part of organ donation that no one talks about. The ugly side effect of The Gift of Life. Am I glad that these strangers get a second chance at life? Yes. But I am also angry that our son didn't. Do I regret our decision to donate? Absolutely not. But does it make me "feel good"? Not really. Am I touched that this woman chose to write us and thank us? Certainly. But it doesn't change anything. Zach is still gone. I still feel empty. Maybe it's just too soon still. Maybe somewhere down the line, I'll feel differently. Who knows... But for now, I just feel numb. 

Tools of the Trade (Makeup)

Ok, Berry Friends, It's Makeup Monday on my Berry Favorite Things facebook page. If you don't already follow it, (click here) and check it out. If you do follow it, you know that I have a passion for all things beauty related, but especially makeup. Makeup should be as important as any outfit or pair of shoes in a girl's closet. You wouldn't put on your best dress with a pair of Crocs, would you? So don't ignore your face. 
Today I want to talk about tools. As we all know, in order to do any job well, you MUST have the right tools. Makeup is no exception. Here are just a few must haves that every gal should have in their collection. 

*Sponges: Makeup sponges are a must. Used wet or dry, they are ideal in getting the perfect clean look with your foundation. But that's not all. They are great for blending concealer, blush and eye makeup as well. They are inexpensive and disposable so you can always use a clean one. 
*Q-Tips: Yup, you read that right. Those handy little swabs you use to clean your ears are a great tool for your makeup. Used wet, you can clean up an uneven eye liner line, or makeup boo-boo, and used dry, they can be used to apply and blend shadows and more. 
*Eye Lash Curler: I know many people are afraid of this tool. I promise you it is not an ancient torture device. Though it takes a little practice to learn to use it well, it is worth it. You can pick these up just about anywhere for around $1-$3 and they can take your lashes from sad to fab. 
*Tweezers: An absolute MUST for any woman is a great pair of tweezers. Even if you have your brows waxed, you can still use them to touch-up in between visits. Also, we all get that random neck or chin hair from time to time, right? I recommend splurging on this tool a bit and getting a good brand. I use Tweezerman point tips and LOVE them. (Also great for removing slivers, by the way.) 
*Blush/Powder Brush: I know what you're thinking... My blush and powder came with brushes, why can't I use those? And you can. But you shouldn't. Those brushes are fine for emergency application, but they aren't quality. A good blush and powder brush should be a  medium to large brush. I recommend a soft bristle, but with a relatively firm feel. You want it to blend the makeup, not just fling it around. Brushes are another tool that I suggest getting a better quality of. Cheap brushes don't hold up to regular use and tend to fall apart when cleaned. 
*Eye Shadow Brush: I have several different styles of shadow brushes. I have a small angled one, a small thin one (great for wet shadow application) and a regular rounded tip style for blending. With these, you really have to just try different styles and see which ones you prefer. I like mine a bit on the firm side, but you may prefer a softer style. 
*Face Brush: This would be those giant brushes you see from time to time. They are great for dusting on a finishing powder, but I like to use mine to just give a quick final blend. I don't use the largest size, I prefer a bit smaller for better control, but again, try different styles and see what you like best. There are no written in stone rules on this. 
*Your Fingers: More often than not, you will find yourself blending, applying and wiping with your fingers. I cannot stress this enough, MAKE SURE YOUR HANDS ARE CLEAN. Wash your hands prior to doing your makeup and keep a wet rag near you to wipe them off from time to time. 
These are not all the tools by any means, but these are a great place to start. You may find that you prefer to use more or less, depending on your technique and skill level. But try them and see. You may find that using the right tool can make the job easier and better. 
--------- VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION--------
As with all things, cleanliness is of THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE. This is especially true when it comes to things you use on your face. 
Washing and cleansing your tools is a must. You don't need expensive cleaners for this, either. For your metal tools, like tweezers and eyelash curlers, a good soak in peroxide or rubbing alcohol every few days (more often if you have skin conditions and immediately after use if you are sharing tools) for at least 15 minutes should do the trick. For brushes, you can soak them as well, but I prefer an easier method. I spray my brushes with Lysol to kill bacteria and germs, then vigorously rub them on a clean, dry towel to remove any excess. For really dirty brushes, a good soak in hot, soapy water will remove clumps and funk. Then rinse out all remaining soap, squeeze out as much of the water as you can, and allow to dry. 

Newest Project

I love getting requests for new and fun projects. This one was from a friend of mine, Brenda, who saw it on a website and wanted to know if I could make something similar for her. I figured I'd give it a shot. And thanks to the amazing skills of my hubs, it turned out pretty well.

Tada! She requested an antiqued look in ivory, so that's what I did. The one from the site she had seen was made using scrap pieces of wood, which I did not have. But since I use old cabinet doors for a lot of my projects, I did have one of those that worked as the base. All in all, I think it turned out very well, especially for a first time. So well, in fact, that I already have orders for more. 

This is just another shot I took as an example. But I think this will make a lovely addition to my collections and I look forward to making many more. 

Who Am I To Judge?

I spend some time online. (OK, I spend a lot of time online.) And I am constantly amazed by how often I see people openly judging and criticizing others. Especially strangers. Now don't get me wrong, you see this a lot everyday if you spend enough time around people. I worked with the public for MANY years, and I saw a great deal of it. But I think people certainly do it more from the safety of their keyboards and smart phones. 
Before I go any further, let me point out that I am not referring to the occasional joke or smart ass remark. We ALL do this from time to time. I am talking about those people who constantly stereotype, insult and blame others. We've all seen these types of posts. Whether on facebook or twitter, or comments on blogs, videos and articles online. 
I just don't get it. So because one republican or democrat said or did something you disagree with, they are all idiots? Oh, you heard that some Mexicans are illegal citizens, so you think they all must be? All white people are racists, is about as true as all black people are criminals. Gays and women shouldn't be in the military? I'm sorry, I didn't realize that sexual preference or having a vagina had anything to do with patriotism and courage. Asians are all terrible drivers? Have you SEEN a drift event? I could go on forever, but the point is, that stereotypes are ignorant. Are some of them true? Sure. There are always going to be people who fit stereotypes. That is why they exist. But they certainly don't fit every person in every category. Take myself for example. For starters, I am Irish. Do I enjoy a drink from time to time? Yes. But guess what? I'm not an alcoholic. Also, my family hails from West Virginia. Like, backwoods WV. Am I an ignorant redneck? Hardly. AND... I have all my own teeth! (Shocking, I know.) Stereotypes can be humorous from time to time, because there will always be some truths behind them, and we can ALL relate to some of them. We may even fit into a few. I will admit to using duct tape to repair some things from time to time. Granted, I prefer Hello Kitty duct tape, so I must be an Asian hillbilly, right? 
I guess what I am getting at is that I don't understand this level of ignorance. When did it become acceptable to publicly bash an entire group of people over the ignorance of one or a few? What happened to "Only God can judge." folks? And for the love of everything Holy, can we stop using religion as an excuse to hate??!! I may not be religious, and I'm not sure if God exists, but I can tell you this much, if he is as hateful, condemning and cruel as some people make him out to be, I don't want any part of it. Groups like Westboro Baptist Church must be worshiping the Devil, since their God hates practically everyone.
Come on people. It is 2013. We have come so far in so many ways, yet we continue to hold ourselves back with ignorance and hate. Racism is disgusting. Period. Judging someone on the color of their skin makes you an idiot, plain and simple. And are we honestly still living in a society where people don't believe women are equal? Women are doctors, scientists, sports stars, mechanics, plumbers, police officers and more. And they do them all just as well as men. Let's just get over that already, shall we? And don't get me started on all the hatred towards gays. So you are judging someone based solely on their sexual preferences? I gotta be honest here, I think about sex A LOT, yet I rarely meet someone and think "Gee, I wonder what they do in their bedroom." For starters, it's none of my business. Not to mention, I think if you are spending that much time thinking about someone else's sex life, YOU may be the one with the issue. There are straight people who dress up in furry costumes, tie each other up, ride their partner around like ponies, fantasize about children and more, yet they are considered the "normal" ones. Really?? How messed up is that? Gays shouldn't get married, because it will "ruin the sanctity of marriage"? Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. What sanctity were you referring to again? Celebrities can get married and divorced faster than I can say "Kiss the Bride" and that is just dandy. But a gay couple who has been together (happily and successfully) for years, being allowed to get married, is inconceivable? You do realize just how dumb that sounds, right?
Wake up, folks. We reap what we sow. Do you want to live in a world filled with hate and judgement? There is enough ugly and evil in this world already that is out of our control, so why not do better with the things we CAN control? Teach your children acceptance, understanding, empathy and love. We don't hesitate to recycle, because we want to save our planet for our children. We want them to have a beautiful world to live in, right? Well let's make it as beautiful to live in, as it is to look at. So stop hating and judging things and people we don't understand. Ask questions, learn and be open to the possibility that people may surprise you. 
"Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."

Grief: Six Months

Today is six months. Six months ago we said goodbye to you. Six months ago we watched as you took your final breath. Six months ago the light in our world went out. Six. Long. Months. It feels like forever, yet at the same time, it feels like just moments. In many ways, time has stood still since you left. I'm standing still. I'm standing at a cross roads, and I'm not sure where to go. I still relive that night over and over in my mind. I see your face as you are lying in that hospital bed, and the pain hits me like a punch each and every time. Each morning is a reminder that you are gone. I know time has passed, because I can mark the days that you have missed. Holidays, birthdays, etc. But looking back on the last 6 months, it is simply a film reel of moments and memories. Some good, some bad, but all of them missing one thing. You. 
Half a year. In the next 6 months, we will have to survive all the rest of the days and dates that are important, that you should be a part of. Mother's Day, Father's Day, special birthdays, spring, summer and more. They will pass by just like the others, I'm sure. In a fog. Not fun, not special, not meaningful. Just another 24 hours without you in it. 
I think about what you would be doing. Would you be enjoying college life? Would there be a special girl you couldn't wait to tell us about? Would you be planning another Spring Break trip with your friends? Whatever you were doing, I know you would've been doing it with a big smile and a positive attitude. 
I know you are watching over us all. We've all felt your presence and your signs and messages are coming through loud and clear. Thank you for them. 
Thank you for being the best son any parent could hope for. Thank you for seeing the best in everyone you knew, and the world around you. Thank you for all the smiles and laughter. Thank you for teaching me that family isn't about whose blood you carry, but who carries you in their heart. Thank you for showing me that life isn't measured in years, but in memories that last a lifetime. Thank you for bringing light and love into the world. Thank you for giving me the chance to be a mom. To be your mom. Which was the best job in the world. Thank you for being my angel. For giving me the strength to survive these past 6 months, and the hope that I can survive the next 6, and the 6 after that. I love you more than anything, and I miss you so much it hurts. But because of what you taught me, and continue to teach me, for the first time in 6 months, I honestly believe that we can get through this. It won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. And I can think of nothing more worthwhile than keeping your spirit and memory alive...

The Black Hole of Grief

Last night, I had a really good talk with my sister-in-law, Tonya. She is one of the very few people who has shown endless support and concern for Dan and I. She doesn't just ask how I'm doing, and if she does, she refuses to let me get away with saying "I'm ok." or "I'm fine." She digs deeper, and she asks real questions. When I talk to her, I feel like she is genuinely trying to understand where I'm coming from and she truly wants to help. She has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever met, and when she cries with me, I know her empathy is sincere. That means more than she'll probably ever know, because that is such a rare quality. Now don't get me wrong, I have wonderful friends and family. I know that there is a large number of people out there who care about Dan & I and would be there in a heartbeat if we asked. But that's where the problem lies. We aren't going to ask. Grief is a strange emotion, and as I've said before, it is 99% private. More often than not, I am going to keep my feelings to myself. Not because I don't want to talk about it, though that may be the case sometimes. But mainly because I know that most people just don't want to hear about it. And that is fine. I don't blame them. So I put on my normal face, and I go about my life. They assume I'm fine, and I am perfectly happy allowing them that peace of mind. But the truth is, I am far from fine. And last night, while talking to Tonya, she mentioned how much she thinks writing about what I'm going through helps me. But she also told me how it helps her to understand what I'm dealing with and how she can better help me. And you know what... She's right. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I never thought about whether or not I was good or bad at it. I only knew that when I sat down to write, I felt better, like a weight had been lifted. That my mind felt clearer afterwards. I realized last night that I don't like to talk about my feelings, but I don't mind writing about them. So, in some strange way, this is therapeutic for me. And if by reading this, it helps someone else, that is just a bonus. 

One of the things that came up in our talk last night was what I refer to as the Black Hole of Grief. I've referenced this before, but I'm not sure I ever really explained what it is, or what it feels like. So here goes...

From the moment I walked into the hospital room and saw my son, I instantly knew that my life had been changed forever. I didn't need a doctor or nurse to tell me that he was gone. I just knew. My son was one of those people that exudes energy and light. His presence was felt from the moment he entered a room, and noticed as soon as he left. When I saw him in that hospital bed, his light was gone. Not just dulled, but extinguished entirely. It was in that moment, that the Black Hole became a part of my life. I've talked about those first moments before. How I wanted nothing more than to get in the car and follow him into whatever came next. And had the situation gone differently, who knows... I may have just done that. But I couldn't. Not only did my son need me, but so did my husband, and we had decisions to make, and questions to answer. But the Black Hole was there, just looming in the background. I'm not sure how to describe the Black Hole. It's like a physical presence that is constantly lingering by your side. It beckons you to fall in and forget everything. To give up. To be swallowed by the overwhelming pain and allow it to take over. It is the darkness that you struggle to ignore. It is the shadow that accompanies every bit of light that you fight to uncover. It is always there and it is very strong. From the moment I wake up, it is there. It's like a constant battle of wills. To get out of bed and keep going, or give in to the Black Hole and give up. Do I go to the party and TRY and have fun? Or do I give in to the Black Hole and wallow in my misery? Do I continue on in search of the light? Or do I give in and succumb to the darkness? 

I made a promise to my son that day at the hospital. I promised him that I would fight. That I would live for him. That I would try and be more like he was, and find the joy in life. That I would take care of his Dad and that together, we would make him proud. I knew when I made this promise that it would be the hardest promise I've ever had to keep. But I refuse to break it. It was the last one I made to him and sometimes it is the only thing keeping me from falling into the Black Hole. So I get up. And I get dressed. I put on my makeup, and I plaster a fake smile on my face. I fight the darkness with every fiber of my being, and I hope that someday, I win. I hope that someday the smile will be real, and that as time goes on, the Black Hole will get smaller and less powerful. This is my daily battle. And it is far from an easy one. But I have the most amazing angel on my team, and together, we WILL get through this.